NER: Is the $20k wedding worth it?

Sars06

Long-time lurker, first-time poster.

This isn't really an etiquette-related question, but I'm asking here because you guys are thoughtful and sane and give great advice.

My fiance and I just got engaged (woohoo!), and we are considering what kind of wedding we want to have. There are few enough people on our "absolute must-have" guest list (<15, basically parents and close family) that we could have a small courthouse ceremony followed by a nice little restaurant reception. So that's one option.

Once we expand our guest list into the "it would be great to have" people, it grows to 60-90 - big enough that it would require reserving a suitable ceremony/reception venue and planning an Event. Our friends and family are scattered around the country, so most of our guests will be out-of-town no matter where we have it. As a result, while I would love a simple cake and punch reception, I do feel we should provide a meal and entertainment. That's the second option.

My question is, is the $20k wedding worth it? I know that it is possible to have a lovely, tasteful wedding for 60-90 on a smaller budget, but it also requires more time and planning than either of us want to put in. I am not a person who finds joy in event planning. The venues that offer an easy, low-stress package deal (that can be done in the next year) will run us about $12k, so the whole shindig would end up being around $20k.

While we can afford this if we really want to, I'm not sure it's the best use of our savings. We make about $135k in a major city, and we have about $40k in savings. We would like to buy a house in the next few years.

What do you all think? If you had the tiny wedding, do you regret not having more friends and family there? If you had a bigger wedding, was it worth what you spent? What should I be thinking about that I'm not?

For the record, I'm leaning towards the tiny inexpensive wedding and my fiance is leaning towards the bigger, more expensive wedding.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts!

krizzo17

What type of budget are you looking at for your "small" wedding? We were in a similar situation - when we got engaged, we knew we had a certain amount of money set aside to pay for our wedding and make a house downpayment. Because we wanted to make our downpayment at least 20%, we knew that the more we spent on the wedding, the smaller the house would be.

A $20k wedding can be totally worth it if it's the wedding of your dreams, or a waste of money if you're spending it just because someone told you that's how much you had to spend. I'd say pick a price you're both comfortable spending, somewhere between the two numbers you've talked about, and figure out what you can do with that money, whether it be a lavish reception for a small group, a simple reception for a large group, or something in between.

Sars06

Our small event would be less than $5k, probably including a nice honeymoon.

Sars06

What would a simple reception for a large group look like? I guess I get stressed out because I think, well once we have 60+ people, we need a ceremony space with chairs, a rented reception space, an officiant, a photographer, a cocktail hour with music, a dance floor, a DJ, centerpieces, bridesmaids, invitations, save the dates, agh!! It just seems like you get hit with an avalanche of stuff to plan once your group gets big enough.

HisGirlFriday13

We had 100 people at our Sunday-afternoon Catholic church wedding and country-club reception and it cost us less than $7K.

Have the larger wedding your FI seems to want doesn't mean spending $20K. There is middle ground, and you don't have to like wedding planning to find it.

There are tons of ways to save money; if you want help, we are here to help!

clarke10

I'm currently planning a wedding with 150 guests with a $10,000 budget. When I first started I thought it would be so much work trying to keep everything in my budget, but it really hasn't been. It's not that difficult to find less expensive alternatives that are still great. We have an all inclusive venue and on my local board I found great recommendations for DJ's and photographers just making their way into the business who will do weddings for cheap. If you genuinely want to have the larger guest list on a small budget, its totally doable. 

KickAssMOH

I just spent 39k on mine, and experienced instant regret weeks later when we started to house-hunt with a smaller downpayment than what we would've had without throwing a big fancy party. Yes, I got what I wanted, it was the wedding i always imagined, and I even cut corners where I could (cheaper dress, DIY invites and some decor, used reward points to pay for honeymoon, etc)....but I wish I would've spent 10k instead... on a wedding with cheaper food/drink/location. 

climbingsingle

I don't think any of us can really answer this for you. 

This is my second wedding and FI's first. I had a huge wedding 10 years ago - the whole shebang. I would have been happy this time to fly to an island and have just a small wedding with our families. But my FI really wanted to have a wedding in NY with his family and friends. So that's what we're doing. We're keeping it relatively small (100 people) and we're spending what we're comfortable spending (not going into debt or overextending ourselves). And even though it's not the DW I was originally planning on, I'm extremely excited and I think it's going to be a fantastic day. 

annathy03

I would try for a middle ground, it sounds like your FI wants to celebrate with the 60-90 group, and I don't think it's something you'll regret if you keep costs down.

There are loads of ideas on the budget board and PPs have mentioned a few, but it is more than viable to get married somewhere low key like a park and have BBQ catered there or have the reception at a restaurant- many larger restaurants have private sections they'd be happy to book with your reception.

And the amount of time and planning required is completely up to you.  All that's required are invitations, an officiant, a seat for every butt, and appropriate refreshments for your guests.  Some brides love to DIY and have a great vision for centerpieces, others use whatever the restaurant already has on their tables.

Sars06

Where on earth are you all finding these inexpensive venues? Everywhere I've inquired is at least $100pp for food and alcohol - not including the rental fee, taxes, service charges, and gratuity! And most are much higher. I guess I have been asking about Saturday evenings, but still.

melbelleup

I think you can shop around for a better price. I'm having 250 people on a 20k budget. You can also cut costs other places than just catering. It honestly depends on what you would like. The best way to do this is close your eyes, what did you always imagine at your wedding? What does it look like? This way helped my FI and I both stay level headed about the wedding.

clarke10

Sars06 said:

Where on earth are you all finding these inexpensive venues? Everywhere I've inquired is at least $100pp for food and alcohol - not including the rental fee, taxes, service charges, and gratuity! And most are much higher. I guess I have been asking about Saturday evenings, but still.

Where do you live?! Ours is around $40 pp for food and beverage and that was pretty much the average we found.

melbelleup

Sars06 said:

Where on earth are you all finding these inexpensive venues? Everywhere I've inquired is at least $100pp for food and alcohol - not including the rental fee, taxes, service charges, and gratuity! And most are much higher. I guess I have been asking about Saturday evenings, but still.

Do you live in a major city? Check restaurants, fire halls, barns, banquet halls, etc. All make excellent receptions. Actually, a fire hall/banquet hall might be a good option for you. Then hire an outside caterer it is usually cheaper.

NYCBruin

I don't think there's a definite answer to this as it depends on what you and your FI want.

FWIW FI really wanted a big shindig and I would have been perfectly happy to have a smaller affair.  However, I didn't really feel strongly about having a smaller wedding and it was really important to him so we are having a big wedding.  As the planning process has been going on, I'm actually really happy we are having a bigger wedding.  We both have large families and friends that live all over the country (and world) and this will be our one opportunity to have all of the people we care about most in the same place.  Our budget breakdown is skewed HEAVILY towards the reception/guest comfort (venue, food, bar, entertainment, etc and we skimped on most everything else-attire, decorations, invitations, etc.).  We both love hosting and treating people, so spending what seems like almost an insane amount of money is worth it to us.  I also have realized that if we had done a smaller wedding, we definitely would have had a lot of hurt feelings.  Until I really started planning, I didn't realize how many people genuinely wanted to come to our wedding.

XrebeccaX

Our situation is not exactly the same because we are getting married overseas so there are some obvious travel costs inherent, but we chose an all-inclusive venue to save a LOT of aggravation. Our venue has one price for use of the accommodations for one night (it's a country house), set-up, chairs, linens, dishes/barware, servers, tear-down, cleaning, etc. And then you pay per head for the food, bar and ceremony set-up (if you're having the ceremony on-site).

I despise event planning so it was worth it to me to choose a place that would handle a lot of the detail. We aren't even having a proper wedding cake because the pudding course is included in the per-head dinner price and I don't want to fool with arranging another vendor across an ocean! I want our guests to be well taken care of and it makes me feel better to know that someone experienced in these matters is taking care of many of the details.

So I think the question is: what is it worth to you, price-wise, to take some of the fiddly planning bits off your plate? To me it was worth paying a bit of a premium. As PPs have said, I think there is a middle ground and that you may not (depending on where you live) need to spend as much as $20k but it might take a little research and a little imagination.

We also recently finished house-hunting and to me, being able to afford the house we wanted was always more important than a wedding, but by identifying our priorities up front we were able to do both sensibly/the way we wanted.

mommapizano

Like PPs said, it's really dependent on what you and your FI imagine for your big day. We ended up spending $50K with everything and don't regret it. That being said, we had worked a lot of overtime and would have not done it that big or upscale had we not. Our day was everything I wanted and more but we both wanted something on the extravagant side so it made sense for us. 

I bet you can find something for much less than you are thinking and still have something very nice. There are so many options to cut costs like unconventional reception spaces, lunch receptions or maybe look into restaurant venues. I know all inclusive is easier but I think you can get nicer stuff for less money when you look vendors individually. 

krizzo17

Even if your local board isn't very active, go through some old posts to see if you can find quotes for places near you. Consider renting a community space (Church, school, firehall) and getting the event catered by a local restaurant (I worked at a wedding that was catered by Famous Daves - I was very jealous!)

You don't need to rent tableware and linens - if everyone has a place to sit and some good food, no one cares that it was buffet style or served on paper plates.

 

ETA: What's making up the 8k between the reception price and the total wedding cost? Our reception was right outside of Philly and cost us $10k, I did everything else on $5k and could have even cut that down if I needed to.

phira

To answer the big question (is it worth it to spend so much): It depends. We are being very picky about what we spend our money on, but a lot of stuff really is that expensive. However, our expensive venue (which includes catering+liquor) is doing a LOT of work for us, and they'll make our wedding run very smoothly. That money is definitely worth it.

But there's more than just that. First of all, where you live (or where you're planning to get married) is a HUGE factor. I live in Boston, which means I would have to be incredibly savvy and creative to have my wedding be cheaper, unless we invite maybe a quarter of our guests. If you live in less expensive areas, it's easier to find rentable spaces and affordable catering.

What I want to stress is that you should plan your wedding as if it's 1) only one day of your lives where you just happen to get married, and 2) it's a big important event where you want no regrets.

1) Your wedding is just another day, and if you're married by the end of it, you're successful. It sounds like you already have this attitude down, but I want to emphasize that even when you're spending closer to $20k, you can STILL have this attitude. You don't have to worry about matching napkins to tablecloths if you don't want to. You don't have to find cute ways to ask people to be a member of the bridal party. You don't have to have centerpieces.

2) When I posted on Facebook that I was engaged, I got WAY more likes, comments, and excited feedback than I did when I announced (a few days prior) that I had qualified for PhD candidacy. Getting married is A Cultural Big Deal. While I'm ALL for saving money where you can, and going without expensive extras, I do think that you should consider that yes, it is worth spending this much money to have the event you want. That means that if there are 80-90 people you want to celebrate with, then you should find a way to host those 80-90 people at your wedding.

vk2204

We had a larger wedding and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Granted, I have a huge family and we wanted to celebrate with everyone. It is all about who you and your FI want to be there.

tammym1001

I think there are definitely a lot of other things besides small and cheap or big and expensive. We are having a very small wedding (about 35 people), but when everything is said and done we will definitely be close to a 20k wedding. I think you should talk with your FI and decide between the two of you what's important. FI wanted a small, intimate wedding and I wanted a big country club fancy wedding. Our compromise was a small guest list, but the luxury wedding that I wanted. Perhaps you guys could come to a compromise like 80-90 people, but with a 10k budget. Posting on your local boards may help you get some budget friendly reception places. Also, if you give us an idea of where you are some of these ladies may be able to help you. 

Calypso1977

im in metro boston and was able to do an italian buffet luncheon for 75 people for about $2500.  i married off season which also got me a huge deal on my photographer.  with honeymoon, rings, and everything else we spent between 5-6K.

i would never spend $20 (or even $10K) but that's just me.

kmj500

We're planning for 150 people for roughly $20k. If I wasn't planning it, what I'd want would cost a lot more but I like to shop around for the best price on everything, and I like being creative, so I've used Pinterest for inspiration and made a lot of things myself. For example, we wanted to do a photobook with our engagement photos and have our guest sign anywhere in that instead of a normal guest book. I kept an eye out and found a Groupon that was $25 for a $100 photobook. It's 11x14 with a leather cover with all our engagement pics inside and we're both pleased with it.

I think you just need to sit down with your fiance and decide what is most important to you and find a middle ground. I know how important getting into a house is...we're just finishing up renos on the condo we bought 2 years ago so we can sell it and move out of the city.

Good luck with your planning!

Sars06

Thanks everyone for your responses! For those who asked, we live in Washington, DC - so a lot of the venues are not only expensive but have the added bonus of an oh-so-romantic "political fundraiser" ambiance.

As I am reading through the comments, I think I am realizing that it's the planning/fussiness that's stressing me out more than the money. Maybe it's worth it to sacrifice something (size, grandeur, money) in order to take a lot of that planning off my plate. You have all given me a lot to think about and discuss with my fiance!

kgd7357

I live in DC too! The venue prices are crazy. We are doing ours at the Army Navy Country Club, since we are members so the fee is way reduced. My goodness, some of the halls were like $10K for just a room. WHAT!!! Our wedding is pretty big ~180, so we need a big hall.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

However, we are doing our rehearsal dinner at Acadiana (upscale southern food...sooo good) near Penn Quarter for about 50-60 people. The room actually can expand up to about 100ish. After taxes and tip and everything it's coming out to about $100 per person. There is a negligible rental fee (like $100) for the private room. And if it's opened up, you can certainly dance there. If you had 60-90 people it would be $6-9K. That would leave plenty of budget for photog, DJ (or just Ipod it), dress, cake, décor.

 

Another place that does weddings and definitely has a space big enough for your crowd is Carmines (family style Italian food), right off the Archives Metro Stop. We looked at it, but decided against it b/c we love the Acadiana food, but there room is really pretty. There is no fee for the rooms (they have a 70 person room and a bigger one), but you do have to meet room minimums, which is easy to do.

 

What's great about these options is that you barely have to plan. Pick up some Costco flowers to throw on the table, and pick the menu, and you are 60% there.

 

Also, the Residence Inn in Pentagon city gave us a wedding rate of $119/night for King Suites. They don't require you to put a deposit on a room block of 20 or less either. It's a great option for out of towners flying into DCA.

 

Let me know if you want any other DC tips. I've been picking them up over the last couple of months.

 

Inkdancer

Do what makes you happy. My mom had 17 people at her wedding, and hired a company at the wedding location to coordinate everything for her. She loved it.

I, on the other hand, am having about 90 people at my wedding and I'm doing all of my decor DIY... because I love it!

If finances are a concern, cut costs in other places than your guest list. FI and I are having a lunchtime wedding with no alcohol, which means we're only paying $2000 to feed 90 people. (That's about $22 per person, less than you'd spend taking them all to a chain restaurant.) We won't be dancing the night away with our family, but we will have an afterparty at a local club so those who want to dance their butts off can do so... without scandalizing Grandma.

Sars06

Thanks for the Acadiana tip! I love that place. 

orwhatuwill

Is a wedding that may be 15-18K more than a small VIP one worth it? Only you and your FI can answer that. You've heard here from some folks that have mentioned regret, you've heard from others that wouldn't have changed a thing. 

No matter what, if you are paying for your own wedding, every penny you spend on it will be gone from your bank account. The only thing you'll be guaranteed in exchange are memories (and photos-hopefully they will pan out, but I have heard of some data losses, photographers that go out of business, etc.). Spending any amount *will* have an impact to your immediate finical situation. Yes, you may earn it again and, yes, you may receive some gifts. The question is, are you spending an amount that you are comfortable with not having in the bank anymore, at least for a large period of time?

So, I have a question about your venue? What is the all inclusive wedding venue's headcount policy? I.E. when do you need to give the final headcount?

The best advice for budgeting is to assume that you could get 100% "yes" RSVPs. BUT, if your larger number includes a ton of out of town folks, you may also find that the travel is out of some folk's budget. My own personal experience is that nearly all of the guests that we've invited that would need to travel more than a couple of hours have RSVPd "no". This has put our budget (22k) down (to about 18K). It's possible that your numbers may come in lower than you're planning for. But, base that budget on all guests showing.

lyndausvi

Our wedding was a lot more and YES it was worth it for US.   That in no way means you will think the same thing.

We wanted to host a big party. We wanted to have a large quantity of good quality foods, top shelf open bar, good music for 150 of our family and friends (I come from a large family).    Add in the location, that meant it would cost money.  We were 100% okay with that.    We were not going to compromise the guest list or how we wanted to host the guests.

We made good money.  Owned a condo on the water, owned our car out right, had not debt (not even student loans).  Our savings and retirement were all funded.   

I've been to weddings that were nice and simple costing less than $5k.  Those weddings were also great and fun and exactly what that couple wanted.

As long as you host your guest properly for the time of day, don't go into debt and all those involved in paying for the wedding are in agreement it doesn't matter how much you spend.

easilyunamused

Sars06 said:

Thanks everyone for your responses! For those who asked, we live in Washington, DC - so a lot of the venues are not only expensive but have the added bonus of an oh-so-romantic "political fundraiser" ambiance.

As I am reading through the comments, I think I am realizing that it's the planning/fussiness that's stressing me out more than the money. Maybe it's worth it to sacrifice something (size, grandeur, money) in order to take a lot of that planning off my plate. You have all given me a lot to think about and discuss with my fiance!

The planning might not even end up being an issue. I planned my wedding from out of state. I thought it was going to be hell, but it ended up being quite easy. I just set certain goals and didn't overwhelm myself. 

We had about 60 guests and originally would have been about $12,000. Not including our airfare and things. 

thisismynickname2

OP, I felt like you right out of the gate as well. I also live in a city where all inclusive is $100pp minimum. We've chosen an 80 person list on a $20k budget. Two things helped me come around to the idea: a) splitting the budget four ways by family and b) spending where it matters. Our reception is at an excellent restaurant and food is something I won't compromise on. I want to dance all night and love photography so those are splurges. Dress and invites, programs and stuff? Frugal! Don't let anyone talk you into things that you don't believe are worth the money. Don't "keep up with the Joneses" and I'm sure you'll be happy. Good luck!

manateehugger

We're spending $20K. I feel bad/silly about it sometimes, but at the end of the day we are getting the wedding we want (for the most part, there's been a lot of compromises on budget) and we can afford it. When you envision your wedding, what do you want? And how does your budget match that vision?

It's all about prioritization though. Our reception venue and food/drink are eating up a large portion of the budget (we're at $100/person) so we pretty much skimped on everything else. We chose a pricier venue, but it doesn't need decorations beyond centerpieces (it's a museum). We are going cheap on stuff no one will really remember (including us) like stationary, flowers, etc. I splurged on the stuff I wanted to be good and then shopped around to find the best "budget" vendors for stuff we didn't really care about.