Bouquet toss rudeness?

Amyzen83

I'm not sure if this is particularly an etiquette question, or if this is the right board. Maybe it belongs in the Snarky section. but either way this situation kind of ruffled my feathers a bit. A few months ago, a really good friend of mine got married, and I went to the wedding solo. Don't worry my FI was actually properly invited and everything, but he couldn't make it due to the fact that he was still recovering from a major knee surgery and couldn't handle all day events. I still had fun because the bride and I had the same circle of good friends. At the reception however, there was the bouquet toss, and yea I am still unmarried, but I'm engaged never-the-less and have had the wedding date picked out for months. My very single friend decides to pull me out on the dance floor with her for the toss and I protested strongly. She was all, "Technically you're still single because you aren't married yet!" *facepalm* I proceeded to tell her that me being there was extremely pointless, so I let her drag me to the floor and I just backed away and stood there so the real single ladies could catch it.
     My thoughts on the traditional bouquet/garter toss is that it's supposed to be an opportunity for single guests to see who else is single and potentially meet. Or if people are in relationships, perhaps it determines who's the next to get engaged. But for engaged people to be called out for any kind of toss seems completely pointless and silly to me. Am I correct? Also this particular friend has irritated me in this way before by treating me like I am single because of the technicality but that's kind of one of my biggest pet peeves. What are your opinions on the bouquet/garter toss etiquette?

aRachel21

Ugh I feel the same way.  The last wedding I attended, people were asking me why I didn't participate in the bouquet toss.  Umm, because I already know that I will be the next one to get married. 

AddieCake

This is one of the reasons the bouquet toss sucks. Anyone who thinks it is appropriate to drag someone onto the dance floor to participate in something they don't want to is a douchey friend. 

photokitty

In my circles, one of two things happen during the bouquet toss - a knock down drag out mad dash for the bouquet OR it hits the ground. Maybe she was worried it would hit the ground and figured you'd catch it. IMHO I don't see why engaged ladies can't catch the bouquet. I thought it was who is supposed to get married next not get engaged. And you are single, as single as any of the ladies in relationships are - there isn't a engaged box on tax forms, KWIM... I'm guessing she is not trying to offend you and I'd let it go

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

Jen4948

I'd say that it's never okay for the bride and/or groom to single anyone of any status out for the bouquet or garter toss.  I myself am not a fan of awarding the bouquet to the couple married longest or anything like that because it singles them out for attention they may not want.  But if these are done, then trying to force anyone onto the floor to catch them is wrong.

But I don't think that these tosses are about being an "opportunity for single guests to see who else is single and potentially meet."  Any participation in either of these tosses should be voluntary on the part of everyone participating-there should be no pressure on singles to "meet someone."  Maybe they actually are already dating someone, or just plain don't want to meet someone.

annathy03

AddieL73 said:

This is one of the reasons the bouquet toss sucks. Anyone who thinks it is appropriate to drag someone onto the dance floor to participate in something they don't want to is a douchey friend. 

This.  People shouldn't have to participate in something they don't want to, engaged or not.  I was heckled more than once this year about not getting up for a bouquet toss, and found holding up my left hand and saying "um, he put a ring on it" is pretty effective, especially if the DJ is playing Beyonce for the toss.

princessleia22

I have no problem with engaged people getting out there for the event, but they shouldn't be dragged or forced to participate if the don't want to.  I've always avoided the bouquet toss, even when I was single.

Now, at my upcoming wedding, I've had complaints that I don't want to do the bouquet toss.  Um, ALL of my invited guests are married, except for one couple who is already talking marriage and expects to be engaged by then. Seems pointless to me if there isn't any single people to catch it, right?

mysticl

I've always heard that whoever catches it is the next to be married, not sure how that works when a ten-year-old catches it though.  There was no reason that you couldn't be out there.  However, it is rude for anyone to pull you out on the floor if you don't want to be there.  As for your friend if she keeps insisting on pointing out that you are technically still single could it be because she's jealous or afraid of being the only single girl left?

annathy03

nicoann said:

I have no problem with engaged people getting out there for the event, but they shouldn't be dragged or forced to participate if the don't want to.  I've always avoided the bouquet toss, even when I was single.

Now, at my upcoming wedding, I've had complaints that I don't want to do the bouquet toss.  Um, ALL of my invited guests are married, except for one couple who is already talking marriage and expects to be engaged by then. Seems pointless to me if there isn't any single people to catch it, right?

To the bolded, I've heard of doing a toss for ALL the ladies with a prize for whoever catches it.  We might do this if FI wants to do the tosses, but we are just as likely to skip it.

Amyzen83

I like that plan!

Bubblegum5586

photokitty said:

In my circles, one of two things happen during the bouquet toss - a knock down drag out mad dash for the bouquet OR it hits the ground. Maybe she was worried it would hit the ground and figured you'd catch it. IMHO I don't see why engaged ladies can't catch the bouquet. I thought it was who is supposed to get married next not get engaged. And you are single, as single as any of the ladies in relationships are - there isn't a engaged box on tax forms, KWIM... I'm guessing she is not trying to offend you and I'd let it go

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

I agree with all of this, as special as your engagement is, its still nothing final - you are still technically single. We had 8 weddings during our engagement (didn't realize that till just now when I counted!) and I went up for every bouquet toss! I feel like it was less stressful knowing I really was getting married soon - vs making anything awkward for my BF in the past.

I think engaged women should go up for the bouquet toss to be a good sport and support your friend on a exciting and special day BUT I also think a bride should NEVER make a guest uncomfortable and should never force anyone up!

And I am all about fun but draw the line at the winner of the garter toss putting it on the winner of the bouquet toss.... weird and awkward!!! 

wrigleyville

This is exactly why we didn't do a bouquet toss at our reception. I've never seen one that didn't last forever because the DJ and wedding party were making everyone feel awkward and put on the spot.

Some DJs will call you out if you aren't married, since the bouquet toss is technically to determine who will get married next. The tradition has evolved into truly single people so they can dance together and maybe start dating, but really? It's usually some 13-year cousin and a 25-year old, so it's still awkward. Ugh. Double ugh. I can't stand the bouquet toss.

bethsmiles

In my circle the bouquet toss has always just been for any women (single, married, engaged, whatever) to participate in. Nothing special happens for whoever catches it. It's just viewed a fun, random thing people do at weddings.

The whole thing is pointless no matter what your relationship status. I get it's annoying that your friend dragged you into it but your reason for being upset seems a little silly to me.

Amyzen83

bubblegum1309 said:

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photokitty said:

In my circles, one of two things happen during the bouquet toss - a knock down drag out mad dash for the bouquet OR it hits the ground. Maybe she was worried it would hit the ground and figured you'd catch it. IMHO I don't see why engaged ladies can't catch the bouquet. I thought it was who is supposed to get married next not get engaged. And you are single, as single as any of the ladies in relationships are - there isn't a engaged box on tax forms, KWIM... I'm guessing she is not trying to offend you and I'd let it go

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

I agree with all of this, as special as your engagement is, its still nothing final - you are still technically single. We had 8 weddings during our engagement (didn't realize that till just now when I counted!) and I went up for every bouquet toss! I feel like it was less stressful knowing I really was getting married soon - vs making anything awkward for my BF in the past.

I think engaged women should go up for the bouquet toss to be a good sport and support your friend on a exciting and special day BUT I also think a bride should NEVER make a guest uncomfortable and should never force anyone up!

And I am all about fun but draw the line at the winner of the garter toss putting it on the winner of the bouquet toss.... weird and awkward!!! 

I appreciate everyone's input on the subject! So here's the reason I have a problem with the whole "single" thing. First of all, I gave in primarily so my friend wouldn't feel lonely there, but we have tons of other single friends who were there. I didn't want to catch it because I know sometimes they have a dance for the guy and girl who catch the bouquette and the garter. I feel uncomfortable dancing with any other guy who is not my FI, especially if it's a guy I don't even know. Secondly, there was a particular guy at the wedding who I have an awkward history with, that I strongly would have felt very uncomfortable dancing with especially since my fiance wasn't even there.

netskyblue2

You shouldn't feel forced to participate in anything.

That said, I've always seen engaged ladies go up for the bouquet toss.  Anybody who's not married can try for it.  We got my 70 year old grandma to go for it at my sister's wedding!

CLI242009

photokitty said:

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

I have never seen this done. I have heard about it or seen wedding videos of it but never in person, not attended a wedding that did this. Why would anyone think this is okay? Yes the person is "single" but what if they brought a date or SO to the wedding? I just never understood this.

OP: My very single friend decides to pull me out on the dance floor with her for the toss and I protested strongly. She was all, "Technically you're still single because you aren't married yet!" *facepalm*  That is my reaction as well. Single to me is you don't have someone/not in a serious relationship. Engaged means you are taken. You're the next to get married, you know this, the bouquet catch is to see out of the single gals who will be the next to be married. Also when someone says that "oh you're just engaged you can still live a little" it makes it sound like they're taking your up coming marriage to be a joke? Not serious? They're making fun of it?

Being dragged is also bull.

lovesclimbing

I had this exact same thing happen to me at my cousin's wedding. I was annoyed but went along so as not to make a scene. My other cousin, quite literally, dove for it. She landed on her butt on the ground and got muddy ( fortunately she'd already changed out of her BM dress into jeans).

If you're engaged and want to go up for the toss, by all means, knock yourself out. However, no one should be forced. And there should be no putting the garter on the bouquet catchers leg or making the two dance together or anything forcing the two of them together. I took a pic with the bouquet catcher and a pic with the garter catcher (because it was my little bro) - nothing more.

jessicabessica

No one should be forced or pressured to participate, regardless of their relationship status. 

rajahmd

We announced that everyone was invited to catch either the bouquet or the garter and also announced that the winners would get a 25 dollar gift card. We had a great turnout for both tosses, mostly our friends and family under 30. I had originally refused to do either toss, but they really meant a lot to my now husband. Now I'm glad we did them because people really enjoyed trying to catch the items in order to win the gift cards.

ohmrs2014

All of our guests, with the exception of a few male guests are either engaged or in long-term relationships living together stauts, or married.  FI and I want to do an Anniversary Dance instead of the bouquet and garter toss and the couple left standing will get the bouquet and the garter.  My dad was furious.  He went all father-of-the-bridezilla on me and said that who cares if no one is truly single, everyone is still going to get up and participate.  He claimed that its just a fun thing for everyone to do, whereas I feel as though if you aren't single, you don't do it.

Amyzen83

CLI242009 said:

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photokitty said:

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

I have never seen this done. I have heard about it or seen wedding videos of it but never in person, not attended a wedding that did this. Why would anyone think this is okay? Yes the person is "single" but what if they brought a date or SO to the wedding? I just never understood this.

OP: My very single friend decides to pull me out on the dance floor with her for the toss and I protested strongly. She was all, "Technically you're still single because you aren't married yet!" *facepalm*  That is my reaction as well. Single to me is you don't have someone/not in a serious relationship. Engaged means you are taken. You're the next to get married, you know this, the bouquet catch is to see out of the single gals who will be the next to be married. Also when someone says that "oh you're just engaged you can still live a little" it makes it sound like they're taking your up coming marriage to be a joke? Not serious? They're making fun of it?

Being dragged is also bull.

I completely agree with this statement! Just because someone is legally single does not make them available. I hate it so much when people use that as an excuse to be unfaithful to their partners or hit on people who are in relationships. "Well technically they aren't married so that makes the person fair game." For me the commitment had to be there before even discussing marriage because that's how I know that they are somebody that I can trust to be faithful after we get married. So that's where I stand with the whole single thing. As far as the bouquet toss tradition, if engaged couples want to participate because it's fun, that's cool, but being coerced into it, especially when the party being coerced doesn't see the point in doing it, not cool.

Amyzen83

mysticl said:

I've always heard that whoever catches it is the next to be married, not sure how that works when a ten-year-old catches it though.  There was no reason that you couldn't be out there.  However, it is rude for anyone to pull you out on the floor if you don't want to be there.  As for your friend if she keeps insisting on pointing out that you are technically still single could it be because she's jealous or afraid of being the only single girl left?

@mysticl, I've wondered this myself about her many times, and I reluctantly joined her partly so she could participate and not feel singled out, but I still felt silly. I also wonder whether she has a chip on her shoulder about men in general, because when I told her and my other close friends in that circle that my fi and I were moving in together (at that time we were not yet engaged) she basically was all, he better propose to you within a year, and was essentially telling me that if he didn't I needed to give him an ultimatum. I wasn't going to do that, plus I trusted him and he proposed to me much sooner than I expected, like a few months after we got our place. 

For the longest time she was also obsessing over this one guy in our church group who kind of treated both of us the same way - he lead me on for over a year only to choose another chick, this was before meeting FI. Then he did the same to my friend but not to the same degree he lead me on. The difference was, that I addressed his behavior at the time he hurt me and I did it with my head held high, told him I was going to move on, and I did. (FYI, this was the guy I was dreading catching the garter and possibly being forced to dance with) She on the other hand said I was a masochist because I didn't yell at him or continually harp on him like she did, but I didn't care about what he chose to do because he was no longer my problem and it was inappropriate considering I had found the person I really am meant to be with. 

Anyway I eventually told her that calling me a masochist crossed a major line with me, and for me to "school" this person would be inappropriate and none of my business, especially when I was completely over the situation. She did apologize but she has the tendency to meddle a lot in other people's affairs. We also had a disagreement on inviting SO's to weddings. She said anybody other than a spouse etiquettewise is a plus one and optional to invite. Oy vey!

NYCBruin

jessicabessica said:

No one should be forced or pressured to participate, regardless of their relationship status. 

This.  Even truly single women can hate the bouquet toss.  I think it's rude to force anyone to participate.  I'm also not a fan in tosses in general, though (I pretty much dislike any interruptions once the party has started and I've always thought they were strange/awkward).

Amyzen83

I completely agree!

courtneythesquid

I got married at 33, and I'm the youngest of my cousins, so most of my girlfriends are already married.  I didn't want to possibly embarrass the single girls by asking them to line up (it would have been just 3 girls at most), so I just tossed my bouquet directly to one of my friends who is engaged and is getting married in January.  There wasn't a big announcement or anything, and it was as things were winding down and after most of the guests had already left, I just grabbed her and said, hey, you've next- catch!  The photographer got a great picture of it, and she seemed happy (hopefully I didn't offend her or anything!)

I have seen the bouquet hit the ground too many times in my circle, so at my sister's wedding, I must confess that I kind-of accidentally-on-purpose shoved one of my best friends (who was engaged at the time and getting married in a few months) into the bouquet.  She gave me the stink eye for a second, but then she came around and decided it was pretty funny.

Weesh

wrigleyville said:

This is exactly why we didn't do a bouquet toss at our reception. I've never seen one that didn't last forever because the DJ and wedding party were making everyone feel awkward and put on the spot.

Some DJs will call you out if you aren't married, since the bouquet toss is technically to determine who will get married next. The tradition has evolved into truly single people so they can dance together and maybe start dating, but really? It's usually some 13-year cousin and a 25-year old, so it's still awkward. Ugh. Double ugh. I can't stand the bouquet toss.

Agreed, the only ones I've seen have been awkward and the DJ has made it worse.  We aren't doing either at our wedding.  

Dreamergirl8812

As a guest I've always hated the tosses so I didn't consider doing them at my wedding (DH agreed). Now that I think about though, the only non-married/non-engaged women at my wedding were SIL (her BF was there and her traditional family is pressuring him to put a ring on it), my mom (divorced), and my step-aunt (recently widowed). Oy vey did I dodge a bullet.

On a side note, while I was typing this I had to delete "FI" and put "DH" (for the first time ).

CLI242009

Amyzen83 said:

show previous quotes

CLI242009 said:

photokitty said:

My general opinions on the tosses are as long as you don't have the guy who catches the garter put it on the lady who catches the bouquet (HATE THAT), I don't really care. No strong feelings for or against them.

I have never seen this done. I have heard about it or seen wedding videos of it but never in person, not attended a wedding that did this. Why would anyone think this is okay? Yes the person is "single" but what if they brought a date or SO to the wedding? I just never understood this.

OP: My very single friend decides to pull me out on the dance floor with her for the toss and I protested strongly. She was all, "Technically you're still single because you aren't married yet!" *facepalm*  That is my reaction as well. Single to me is you don't have someone/not in a serious relationship. Engaged means you are taken. You're the next to get married, you know this, the bouquet catch is to see out of the single gals who will be the next to be married. Also when someone says that "oh you're just engaged you can still live a little" it makes it sound like they're taking your up coming marriage to be a joke? Not serious? They're making fun of it?

Being dragged is also bull.

I completely agree with this statement! Just because someone is legally single does not make them available. I hate it so much when people use that as an excuse to be unfaithful to their partners or hit on people who are in relationships. "Well technically they aren't married so that makes the person fair game." For me the commitment had to be there before even discussing marriage because that's how I know that they are somebody that I can trust to be faithful after we get married. So that's where I stand with the whole single thing. As far as the bouquet toss tradition, if engaged couples want to participate because it's fun, that's cool, but being coerced into it, especially when the party being coerced doesn't see the point in doing it, not cool.

Bold - THANK YOU!!! I think the exact same thing. I didn't know how to word it so thank you! I have had so many friends try to drag me out on a "night of fun" (I've never gone thank god) and the stories they come back with are just....maybe to them it isn't cheating, but to me it is. Thank you so much for wording it when I couldn't. ^_^

I also agree with your bold. If the engaged couple want to participate, by all means okay, but the being dragged onto to the floor or being harassed till you frickin say yes is bull. In the end the one that gets to me the most is of course the whole "technically you're not taken yet"....etc. >.<!!!

Amyzen83

Your welcome i just strongly believe that if people aren't faithful when in a serious relationship, how is marriage going to change that pattern of behavior much less make that person trustworthy? I would never want to hurt my fi in that way just as I wouldn't want him to hurt me in that way

climbingsingle

I despise the bouquet toss!! I've told this story here before. I was at a wedding with a guy that at the time was my boyfriend. We had been together and lived together for about 4 years. The DJ announced the bouquet toss. There was no way I was going up there. 1 - I wasn't single. 2 - I hate it. When the bride noticed I wasn't up there, she actually had the DJ call me by name to floor! I wanted to die of embarrassment. I begrudgingly went up and hid in the back. 

CLI242009

Amyzen83 said:

Your welcome i just strongly believe that if people aren't faithful when in a serious relationship, how is marriage going to change that pattern of behavior much less make that person trustworthy? I would never want to hurt my fi in that way just as I wouldn't want him to hurt me in that way

Yes exactly!!! To me if you or your friends have this mentality, to some, it may sound like you are not even taking your/the relationship seriously. Not just for the bouquet toss but for all things really. I have had many gal pals try dragging me out on a "fun girl's night" & don't get me wrong it's fun for them and a good time, but it's just not for me. When I would tell them why it made me uncomfortable - I have a boyfriend, I don't need to go and pick up/flirt with guys" and of course their responses "He's 3,000 miles away, how would he know?" "You guys are in a long distance relationship, you're allowed to have some fun!" "He's your boyfriend so you're still technically allowed to do what you want it's not like you guys are married"  *facepalm* I swear these statements are all true....I love my friends but some of them I don't have the heart to say "And you wonder why you have guy/relationship problems?"

Don't get me wrong, you want to go catch the bouquet/go party, go right ahead, but it's just one of those things that if you don't talk about it with your SO, it could make you look really untrustworthy....