A "best" friend that does not seem to care about the wedding or that she is in it...

lemonade323

I have a friend who I have known since the first grade (so over 22 years).  When she knew my now fiancee and I were talking about marriage she always talked about how excited she was to be in the wedding party (though never formally asked).  When we did get engaged she automatically assumed she was in the wedding party.  I contemplated over what to do and decided that it was not worth the fight and potentially losing the friendship (though I do not feel as close to her as I once did) and just let her be in the wedding party.

Well, ever since then she seems to show no interest in the wedding at all.  Whenever I bring up something small to discuss (and trust me - I am not one of those brides that talks about her wedding 24/7 and actually told me friends to smack me if I do! lol) she always changes the subject.  She also never asks how planning is going and never asks if there is anything she can help with.  I am totally loving the wedding planning process (including all my DIY projects) so it's not necessarily that I want or need help, but it would be nice if she were to at least ask every so often.

So what do should I do?  Whenever I have tried to talk to her about things in the past she always gets defensive so I don't know if I should go the route of trying to talk to her, or just let her be the way she is....Thoughts?  Any advice would be appreciated!  Thank you!

KeptInStitches

How long is it until the wedding? I mean, if it's more than 4-6 months or so (the range generally when you should start looking at dresses), it's probably not the most important thing in her world - and that's okay. It's the center of your world right now; it's an event in hers, and not one that's happening soon. She might be really excited to be in the wedding, but that doesn't mean she has to be excited about helping you with the wedding. You had to have some idea that she would be this way when you let her be in the wedding party, so I'd let her be the way she is.

vk2204

While it would be nice of her to ask how things are going, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be a part of your wedding day. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. I wouldn't talk about it with her unless you absolutely have to. Like PP said, it is only an event in her life compared to being the center of your life.

lemonade323

Yeah I guess I never looked at it that (event versus center of world) way-especially since I don't even feel it is the center of my world. I guess I am comparing my friend to my friends/bridesmaids who are actively doing things or asking to help.

southernbelle0915

It sounds like you're disappointed because the outcome of your interactions with her aren't living up to your desires/expectations. 

You asked "what should I do?" The only way to close this expectations gap is to either lower your expectations or for her to rise to your expectations. Since you can't control her and it sounds like she is not interested in the things you'd like her to be interested in, you'll need to lower your expectations. Don't expect to talk about your wedding with her, don't expect her to help out with DIY stuff, etc. That way, if she does want to talk about it or help it'll be a nice surprise, but you won't keep being disappointed when she doesn't.

lemonade323

Yeah, I didn't expect much from her to begin with but I guess when she calls me her best friend i thought that she'd just ask the occasional, "Hey How's everything going with the planning?"

KeptInStitches

It would be nice, but not everyone's into wedding planning. Maybe your friend just isn't.

lemonade323

Man, reading all of the replies I feel like I am almost in the wrong. Lol I do appreciate all of the feedback. I guess I just expected something different. Oh well..

southernbelle0915

lemonade323 said:

Yeah, I didn't expect much from her to begin with but I guess when she calls me her best friend i thought that she'd just ask the occasional, "Hey How's everything going with the planning?"

I hear that. It's a really exciting and important time in your life and of course you want your nearest/dearest to be excited and interested. It could be as simple as she's really not interested in wedding stuff in general, or that she has a lot going on personally and is distracted. If she's been your friend this long, i wouldn't let this taint your view of the friendship. Just talk to people who ARE excited. TK is a good place because everyone is into weddings.

princessleia22

You didn't seem too thrilled to include her in your wedding party, and only included her because you "decided that it was not worth the fight and potentially losing the friendship".  Although I'm sure you didn't blatantly portray that feeling to her, but maybe you unconsciously let some of that show and she picked up on it. I know a lot of times negative feelings can be portrayed or picked up on, even if you think you are doing a good job of hiding it. If you weren't super excited to have her involved in your wedding planning, why should be be super excited to be included in it? Also, like others have said, it's your big day, not hers, so that could be a part of it too.  But, since it seems she started out excited to help out but then backed off, I'm wondering if my initial thought is more accurate for the cause.  

kitty8403

How often do you guys just talk? Totally non-wedding stuff? Could be she has other things going on in her life right now and would rather discuss those or just have some give and take happening, you know? Z
My wedding's in less than 8 months. Bridesmaids in three different states. All were happy about the wedding, but I have had to make a point of focusing mostly on non-wedding related stuff in our conversations now. One has four kids and a major illness. One's about to quit her job and go back to school. One just went through a serious breakup. It's your job to still be a social support to the women like this in your life; it can't always (or mostly ) be about supporting you.

lemonade323

I almost never bring up wedding stuff so that's why I'm kind of surprised she always changes the subject. I even told all my friends to tell me if I start talking about it too much because I didn't want it to be all about Me

lemonade323

nicoann said:

But, since it seems she started out excited to help out but then backed off, I'm wondering if my initial thought is more accurate for the cause.  

She never mentioned anything about wanting to help.. ever. .. Just about being in the wedding party. And I ama therapist so I am always focused on other peoples' needs. Always have been and probably always will be.

MyNameIsNot

Not everyone is interested in wedding planning.  It sounds like she is happy for you, but just isn't interested in the process.  It isn't wrong of her to not be interested, but it isn't wrong of you to be a little disappointed.  

There's no way that you can bring it up, and there's no way that you can change how she feels.  All you can do is adjust your expectations of her.  She's given you no reason to think that she won't be standing up next to you and happy for you on the wedding day.  That's good.  Be happy about the friends that are excited and want to help with the planning, and think of this girl as the BM who does the BM minimum.  (Show up in the dress, clean and sober, smiling for photos.)  

lemonade323

The sober part is questionable! Lol

OliveOilsMom

Going forward, the only wedding related question I would ask her is if she has a budget she needs to stay under for the BM dress and if she has any opinions on what type of BM dress to wear.  If she does not respond to that, then go with the rest of your BM to find the dress.  Then send her details of the dress and the deadline to buy it.  If she never buys it, then she took herself out of the wedding.