Is there any polite way to invite half a family?

thelastdreamer

I met my best friend and MOH in college. I went to school really far from home, and her parents sort of adopted me. I absolutely love her mom and dad and consider them like second parents. I planned to invite them. Her younger sister (age 16) is an amazing piano player, so I asked if she would be willing (I'm paying her) to play piano at our wedding. She was so excited. She also has a brother who is 19, but I don't know him because he goes to school far away. Since he is an adult, I figured I would be fine addressing the invitations to "Mr. and Mrs. MOH's Parents" and then writing their younger daughter beneath it. However, they recently adopted two young children. 

Now I'm in a dilemma. I feel like I can't just invite the parents and then one of their children (two, if you count MOH, but she obviously will be getting her own invite with her husband). Since MOH's little sister is participating in the wedding and has already been asked, I can't just decide to only invite her parents. Do I now need to invite MOH's parents and all three children living at home? Should I then also send an invite to the son at college? I can't imagine he'd come, but it seems to rude to invite four out of five of their children. 

I really don't want to add that many guests though, we're having a small wedding and are trying to keep the guest list under 90, which has been a huge challenge. Could I send the parents an invitation, and then the 16 year old her own, even though they live at the same address? Thoughts? 

HisGirlFriday13

I met my best friend and MOH in college. I went to school really far from home, and her parents sort of adopted me. I absolutely love her mom and dad and consider them like second parents. I planned to invite them. Her younger sister (age 16) is an amazing piano player, so I asked if she would be willing (I'm paying her) to play piano at our wedding. She was so excited. She also has a brother who is 19, but I don't know him because he goes to school far away. Since he is an adult, I figured I would be fine addressing the invitations to "Mr. and Mrs. MOH's Parents" and then writing their younger daughter beneath it. However, they recently adopted two young children. 

Now I'm in a dilemma. I feel like I can't just invite the parents and then one of their children (two, if you count MOH, but she obviously will be getting her own invite with her husband). Since MOH's little sister is participating in the wedding and has already been asked, I can't just decide to only invite her parents. Do I now need to invite MOH's parents and all three children living at home? Should I then also send an invite to the son at college? I can't imagine he'd come, but it seems to rude to invite four out of five of their children. 

I really don't want to add that many guests though, we're having a small wedding and are trying to keep the guest list under 90, which has been a huge challenge. Could I sent the parents an invitation, and then the 16 year old her own, even though they live at the same address? Thoughts? 

Short answer: yes you can.

You're inviting MOH and her husband, one social unit.

You're inviting her parents, a second social unit.

You're inviting her sister AS A VENDOR, a third social unit.

You absolutely can choose not to invite the other at-home children because you're not inviting the 16 year old as a guest, you're inviting her as a vendor and then hosting her at the reception properly.

photokitty

How young are the children? Are you inviting any other children under the age of 16 or the same age as the adopted children?

If you aren't inviting any young children and the 2 others are young, then I guess you could split the family but it will seem awkward and you risk it appearing you are alienating the adopted 2. You can definitely not invite the brother, even if you invite everyone else. He is an adult and not part of the family or social unit. If you don't think he will come, or are ok with him coming I would invite him. 

If the 16 year old is being paid to be there you could not invite her, as she is a vendor. Then invite only the parents. Tell her you have included all your vendors in both the ceremony and the reception. Perhaps you could pay her to play during cocktail hour. This would get around the other 3 siblings needing invites.

thelastdreamer

@HisGirlFriday13 Honestly, I would have invited the 16 year old anyway. I know her pretty well. I had always planned on inviting MOH's parents and sister, but when I told MOH I was looking for a pianist, she said she knew her sister would love to do it and that was how it started. So yes, I'm paying her because I think it would be rude not to, but she would have been invited no matter what. I don't want to imply to her that she's only getting to come because I'm getting something out of her.

@photokitty The adopted kids are ... 9 and 6 I think? Something like that. We aren't inviting a lot of kids, but four or five of our cousins are coming who are 12 and under. And yes ... I really don't want it to look like I'm not counting the adopted kids as their real kids. It's not that at all ... 

HisGirlFriday13

In light of the new information, then, no, you must invite the adopted kids, too. You can not invite the older, adult brother, but you have to invite the at-home kids.

The only social out was the one I offered initially, sorry. If you would have invited one kid regardless, you have to invite them all.

photokitty

thelastdreamer said:

@HisGirlFriday13 Honestly, I would have invited the 16 year old anyway. I know her pretty well. I had always planned on inviting MOH's parents and sister, but when I told MOH I was looking for a pianist, she said she knew her sister would love to do it and that was how it started. So yes, I'm paying her because I think it would be rude not to, but she would have been invited no matter what. I don't want to imply to her that she's only getting to come because I'm getting something out of her.

@photokitty The adopted kids are ... 9 and 6 I think? Something like that. We aren't inviting a lot of kids, but four or five of our cousins are coming who are 12 and under. And yes ... I really don't want it to look like I'm not counting the adopted kids as their real kids. It's not that at all ... 

I would be afraid it would look bad if I didn't invite the adopted kids. Personally, I would invite them and hope the parents opted to get a babysitter because they are under 10. I would not invite the 19 y-o brother.

Or I would talk to your best friend, the MOH, and see what she thinks.

I would just worry how it would come off to the parents and MOH since you are so close to the family.

GL!

thelastdreamer

Yeah That's kind of what I figured. I had no idea they were going to be adopting the kids until recently and have only met the adopted kids once very briefly. I just feel a little bad now because there are other children of friends we're inviting who I'm a lot closer to who I'm not inviting. But I guess this is just how some things go. Maybe they'll decide to hire a sitter and leave the two young kiddos at home anyway.

photokitty

Take solace in the fact that although you are closer with other kids, you probably aren't as close with any of their parents or siblings as you are with this family. Over the years you might become incredibly close to the 2 new additions and there may be a point in time where you couldn't imagine them not having been there on your wedding day  

mysticl

Not inviting the two younger children sends the message to the family that you do not consider them to be part of the family.  It would be one thing if you weren't inviting the sixteen year old but since you are it will look like a snub.  You cannot play the vendor card and host her as an employee.  Children will not understand that, they will see that their sister was included and they weren't.  The parents also may not buy it and see it as you making excuses for not including their children. 

thelastdreamer

So the consensus is that I should definitely invite the adopted kids, but it's ok if I don't invite the adult son? Although at this point since I'm inviting the rest of his family I might just send him an invite anyway. He'll probably think it's bizarre and I'd be shocked if he came, but I don't want MOH's parents to think I excluded anyone from their family. 

Thanks guys

photokitty

thelastdreamer said:

So the consensus is that I should definitely invite the adopted kids, but it's ok if I don't invite the adult son? Although at this point since I'm inviting the rest of his family I might just send him an invite anyway. He'll probably think it's bizarre and I'd be shocked if he came, but I don't want MOH's parents to think I excluded anyone from their family. 

Thanks guys

It is totally OK not to invite him.

While this is totally against etiquette (zips up flame suit), if it was me, I would just include his name on the parents' invite with the other 3 children. Since you would otherwise not invite him -- except he is part of the family. I realize anyone over 18 is supposed to get their own invite, but my extended family doesn't do it this way (if you live at home or are at college you are on the family invite) and I am in no way saying it is proper. But if my main goal was for the family to all be included, I would just put him on his parents' invite.

kgd7357

I'm also going to zip up my flame suit. In my family (not saying this is proper) you don't get your own invite until you are married, which I think is dumb. I at least think you should get your own invite if you live at a different address, which we plan on.

Using the phrase "and family" is also improper, but may be helpful for a questionable situtation. There is one family I plan to send "and family" too. The husband is my cousin and has early two teenage kids. His new wife has two kids (one college age and one teenager). I don't know the step kids really at all, and if it was my call I wouldn't invite them. And sending an invite to a random girl at college I don't know seems weird. However, I'm quite close to his biological kids, and don't want to leave them out. I'm just going to send "and family" to my cousin and let him choose who to bring. You do have to be prepared for them all to come though if you use this strategy.

*Note. This is not proper etiquette, but a possible way of dealing with the situation.

cidefi

I was always told that children living in the household should be included in the invite if it is a children friendly function.

I know that when we did our guest list numbers we included all in the household. So a husband and wife with 2 kids (in college or not as long as the parents are supporting them) was a 4 count, and we addressed the invite Mr. and Mrs. Somebody and children. If you were a person living by youself (single or not) you was a 1 count, and we didn't do plus 1's for singles. So they were addressed as Mr./Ms. Somebody and children. However I did send out 1 invitation adressed as "To the Somebody Household", because 4 generations live in 1 house (a mother in her 80's, 2 of her daughters in their 50's, and granddaughter in her 30's, and her children). I was not about to send 5 invites to 1 house (too much paper and too much on postage).

But I don't know if there's a rule for that. I would include all the members in the household if it were me.

s-aries8990

I would just go ahead and invite the brother and 2 younger siblings. Do you know if the brother has a SO? IDEALLY  you would invite the brother and his SO on a separate invitation, but if he doesn't (and fingers crossed he doesn't) just add him onto the family invite.

huskypuppy14

I'm thinking of this a little differently. It seems like the OP is friends with her MOH (obviously) and her 16 year old sister. It would be perfectly fine to only invite those 2.  However, since she is also close with the parent's she wants to invite them as well. I think to be on the safe side, just invite the other 2 younger children, but I do think there is a gray area. No need to invite the brother. But to be safe, why don't you just talk to your MOH and see what she thinks?