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NWR: Baby shower without the mother?

auriannaaurianna member
Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
edited December 2013 in Etiquette
A friend of mine at work has a SIL who is due in May, however she's hundreds and hundreds of miles away from anyone she knows (besides her husband) and supposedly is in a brutal internship residency and can not take any time off work to come in town until after her internship is over next August.

I pretty much said, "too bad. She doesn't get a shower." My co-worker still wants to give her one because there's a lot they need.

This is what I suggested to my co-worker. Please let me know if any of the options (except maybe the last two) are terribly rude, or if you have better ideas for me to pass along! Thanks.

First Choice: She realizes what an honor it is that her SILs want to throw her a shower so she takes the time off work to drive down here for it and properly greet the guests that give her gifts and to greet the hostesses that were sweet enough to give her a shower.

Second Choice: You get the mother on Skype and her husband drives down here to properly greet the guests that give them gifts and to greet the hostesses that were sweet enough to give her a shower.

Third Choice: Immediate family of parents and siblings agree amongst themselves to send the presents the couple will need the most first, early (and make Christmas presents sent heavily baby themed). And then you do a “Welcome Home, Baby!” shower when they get back next summer that you invite lots of guests to where she'll get more of the 6mo+ presents.

Fourth Choice: She doesn’t get a shower on this baby. Maybe she’ll get one on the next kid if she has one. Tough s***. Showers are gifts and not requirements. If she can’t be in town to receive the gift, she doesn’t get one. Life isn’t fair.

Fifth Choice: Try to hook up a skype connection to a big screen. She registers only on Amazon or for items at places that offer free or low-cost shipping. You serve your guests food and they’ll eat while they watch her open her presents on Skype. This does not work though if the guests have to pay through the nose for shipping.

Sixth Choice: Try to hook up a skype connection to a big screen. She and the guests watch you open the presents. Then you ship to her only the necessary items, assuming she pays for the shipping.


Re: NWR: Baby shower without the mother?

  • Hmmm... I don't know.

    I can understand throwing a shower if mom is in the hospital or something.  That's legitimate, and it'd be a nice gesture if someone wanted to throw her a shower still even though she couldn't be there.

    At the end of the day though, I guess it's really what you think the host and guests would be comfortable with.  There might be some close friends/family who don't care at all if she's just skyping, and still want to hold a shower for her.  That's their prerogative.  But for others, the skype thing is going to seem really tacky.

    Maybe just keep the shower super small?

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm kind of bordering on the Fourth Choice. It sucks. But that's life. If she's going to be in town after the baby is born, they should do something like the Third Choice with just family. 

  • #4- tough shit, she doesn't get one. I have a very hard time believe that she doesn't have 24 hours off in the next four months. 
    Me too...Is she doing a surgical internship because that is the only reason  I can think she would be working or at least on call 7 days a week. 
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    When my SIL's family wanted to throw a wedding shower for her, she drove the 5 1/2 hours to be there. Same deal with a baby shower. You want the presents, you find a way to get there.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I agree on #2 or #4.  If the husband can make it but she can't for some legitimate reason, there's still a parent there to receive the gifts and thank the guests.  I don't see any reason why a baby shower needs to only be for the mother (but somebody correct me if I'm wrong, other than that this just isn't how it's usually done).  We have had baby showers at my work for male co-workers expecting babies.  But if neither parent can make it-- no shower.  Friends and family who want to send gifts anyway will do so.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    #4. If the new mom really wanted a shower, she would make it a priority to be there.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Me too @krizzo17, I send a gift whether or not there's a shower.  Those close to the mom-to-be will ask her what she needs and send a gift.  If she cannot physically be at a shower, then no shower.

  • Is it possible that this woman doesn't actually want to have a shower?  I could see her SIL offering to throw her one and her saying "oh I'm so sorry, I just can't make it down there before the baby is due" as a gentle way of getting out of it if she didn't truly want to have one.
  • We did this years ago for my sister in-law.  My brother was stationed in LA and all of the family and friends were in Ohio.  Gosh, no one seemed to have a problem with it.  We had a nice shower with food and drinks for everyone.  She received lots of baby gifts and the mom and mother in-law drove them down to LA after the baby was born.  Dont be so negative about everything ladies.
  • I don't see any reason why they couldn't give the expectant father a shower. If it is really a case that she can't make it, throw him the shower.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    #4 - if you can't be physically present for your baby shower then you just don't get one. Period.

  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Coworker told me that it's pretty much "expected" that she and the other SIL will throw a shower. Now whether that expectation comes from the expecting mother or the expecting grandmother I can't be sure.

    I think people are poopoo'ing over the virtual shower because in some ways it reflects the air of entitlement. "I managed to successfully spawn. And even though millions of people do it every day, I am somehow entitled to lots of free gifts and attention, no matter what, even if I can't be bothered to make any effort whatsoever to get the presents or to spend time with the people who give them to me."
    NOT saying that's way every woman is; definitely not saying your SIL is like that ktjanesmom, but in general it just doesn't sit right with me.

    I just think it's seedy to get a bunch of gifts without even having to show up or arrange transport of them yourself.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    happy dp time
  • nsweare said:
    I don't see any reason why they couldn't give the expectant father a shower. If it is really a case that she can't make it, throw him the shower.
    The only thing about this is that it's my friend's husband's sister. So this would turn it into her husband's sister's husband. I guess it's still her nephew... it just makes it a little more awkward since it's someone she's even less close to. But she liked the idea.
    But he's working on his phd so no clue if he'll be able to swing it or not. She's going to find out though.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    stupid double posts. I made a chocolate cherry cheesecake this weekend. It was pretty cool.
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Recipe, @aurianna? I love cheesecake.
  • Yeah, #4. People can send gifts without her having a shower. I don't find a shower necessary. 

    @aurianna I believe I would be the best FW ever if I made that for my FH. I'll have to look that recipe up.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013


    With the following variations:

    I used about 1/4c semi-sweet chocolate chips because that's all I had and then 3/4c dark chocolate chips instead of all semi-sweet.
    I threw a teaspoon of Baileys in there because why not?

    I couldn't find cookie crumbs so crushed up a bunch of chocolate graham animal crackers and chocolate teddy grahams with a rolling pin.
    I also used 5 or 6 tablespoons of butter instead of 3 because 3 just wasn't enough to moisten all of the cookie.
    I also melted just a few chocolate chips into the butter. I doubt this added anything but who knows.

    Someone commented that 1/2 tsp of almond extract was too much so I did a little less than a half a tsp.
    I also threw in another teaspoon of Bailey's, because why not?
    ETA: And I mixed the sugar in immediately after the cream cheese. Who puts sugar in after the egg???

    ETA: I used a 9" springform pan. And I think if I did this again I might make a little more icing since mine barely covered it.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    la la la
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Yum!  Delicious recipe.  Looking forward to trying it!

    I vote 4.  If she really wants a shower, then she has to make the effort to attend.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I wouldn't have any issue with the husband/father attending in the mom's place. I mean, he was kind of necessary to create the baby, and he'll be using the shower gifts for the baby. I see showers as being for the new parents, not just the mom.  Besides, what happens when the mom has medical issues and has to go on bed rest, not travel, be in the hospital, or the baby comes early, and she has to miss the shower?  The ones I've been to in those situations, the shower already goes on as planned (assuming it's already planned and invitations are out) and it isn't cancelled because the mom can't be there. Usually the dad makes an effort to be there, but sometimes that's not possible either.

    If the shower isn't planned yet, and #2 isn't an option, then #4 is about the only option. It sucks that they need things and are so far away, but that's the breaks. People can still send things if they want to.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Would it be possible to have the shower right after the baby is born?  The new mom should still have a maternity leave despite her residency.  This isn't too far out, it's traditional in Jewish families to wait until after the baby is born for a shower. 

    I like the idea of dad coming in place of mom to the shower.  If that works with scheduling.
  • #4

    If she really wants a shower, she will find time to get to one. Otherwise tough luck

  • I say #2.  The baby is just as much the dad's as it is the mom's.  Or as OliveOilsMom said, have it after the baby is born.  About half the showers I've been to have been after the baby is born.  However, for that it should be within a month or so of the birth.  I would definitely side-eye more than  two months after the birth.

  • When my cousin's wife was pregnant they were overseas because he is in the military. So we had a video shower. We video taped (this was before Skype) her MIL opening the gifts and then we shipped them to her.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I went to a Skype shower. We mailed the gifts before hand and the mom-to-be open them on Skype and we all ohhhed and ahhed. I was GREAT! No baby games, it wasn't 3 hours. I got to see everyone, eat awesome food and shower the mommy. I think her MIL paid for the shipping as she hosted the shower, I know I dropped the gift off a week in advance to be mailed.

    I think you are being a little judgmental of your co-worker and the situation - assuming she is invited friends and family of her sister, these people love her and probably want to have a shower in some way for her. Residency is awful, I can't imagine having a baby during it. You don't just get to take time off, it doesn't work like that.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I like the combo of dad goes and mom skypes. But I agree that one parent should be there.
  • While in theory I like the Skype concepts they're a little impersonal for a large shower. The mother wouldn't be able to see everyone and not everyone is going to be able to see her. My vote would be for a modified #3. Have a small, intimate Skype shower with the immediate family and then have mom and baby travel back during her mat. leave for a larger shower.

    I think that a shower 4-5 months after the baby is born is a little weird TBH, at that point the parents should have everything they'd need minus larger clothing.

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