NWR: Baby shower without the mother?

clarke10

I think its fine as long as one of the parents is there. But if neither parents attends, no way. 

aurianna

photokitty said:

I think you are being a little judgmental of your co-worker and the situation - assuming she is invited friends and family of her sister, these people love her and probably want to have a shower in some way for her. Residency is awful, I can't imagine having a baby during it. You don't just get to take time off, it doesn't work like that.

For the record, co-worker asked me for advice because the idea of having a shower without the mother physically there didn't sit well with her either.
And she really didn't offer this shower in the first place; it was just expected of her. So I didn't sugar coat my opinions.

That said, thanks ladies! She actually likes the idea of the dad coming down, but who knows if he'd be able to either. I'll be interested to see what they ultimately decided to do.

ETA:
Glad that some of you have had pleasant experiences with skype showers in case they end up needing to do that.
The big thing is my co-worker really doesn't want to be responsible for shipping all the presents, but also doesn't like the idea of making the guests pay to ship them themselves. That's the wrinkle they'll need to overcome if they go down that road...

PrettyGirlLost

aurianna said:

photokitty said:

I think you are being a little judgmental of your co-worker and the situation - assuming she is invited friends and family of her sister, these people love her and probably want to have a shower in some way for her. Residency is awful, I can't imagine having a baby during it. You don't just get to take time off, it doesn't work like that.

For the record, co-worker asked me for advice because the idea of having a shower without the mother physically there didn't sit well with her either.
And she really didn't offer this shower in the first place; it was just expected of her. So I didn't sugar coat my opinions.

That said, thanks ladies! She actually likes the idea of the dad coming down, but who knows if he'd be able to either. I'll be interested to see what they ultimately decided to do.

ETA:
Glad that some of you have had pleasant experiences with skype showers in case they end up needing to do that.
The big thing is my co-worker really doesn't want to be responsible for shipping all the presents, but also doesn't like the idea of making the guests pay to ship them themselves. That's the wrinkle they'll need to overcome if they go down that road...

Isn't there someone more local to the couple that could host a shower for them? 

I would side- eye a Skype shower in this situation.  It just seems gift grabby.  I know residency programs can be difficult, but I have never known a physician who didn't have some time off during their residency or who was on call 24-7 for the duration.

If this were truly the case, how in the hell is she going to have and care for a baby?

photokitty

aurianna said:

I pretty much said, "too bad. She doesn't get a shower." My co-worker still wants to give her one because there's a lot they need.

You said she "still wants to give her one." You also didn't say she didn't offer to have it, but it was expected.  If you said in your original post - my coworker doesn't want to throw her sister a shower, but is being pushed/ guilted to do so - I would have answered differently.

What if the mother is on bed rest and can't travel for a shower. Does that fall under tough luck, if you can't make it you don't get one too? People will have to ship her gifts when the baby is born, assuming they want to celebrate the birth with a present, so I don't think  shipping them for a skype shower is that awful IMHO

Liatris2010

No shower. If the purpose of a shower is celebrating mom, she isn't getting that if she isn't there. If the purpose of the shower is getting gifts I'm sure many of the people who would have been invited to the shower will send gifts anyway. So no shower.

TKzilla

So if my math is correct (and it probably isn't) this woman is like... four months pregnant?

Doesn't the shower usually take place later in the pregnancy? Maybe everybody should CTFD and wait a month or two before worrying about a party.

Although it does seem kinda lousy that this pregnant woman is expected to drive "hundreds and hundreds" of miles (according to the OP) to attend a shower...

PrettyGirlLost

CourtaniaLynn said:

So if my math is correct (and it probably isn't) this woman is like... four months pregnant?

Doesn't the shower usually take place later in the pregnancy? Maybe everybody should CTFD and wait a month or two before worrying about a party.

Although it does seem kinda lousy that this pregnant woman is expected to drive "hundreds and hundreds" of miles (according to the OP) to attend a shower...

So why doesn't somebody local to her host the shower?  "Easier" for non pregnant guests to drive, right?

photokitty

PrettyGirlLost said:

CourtaniaLynn said:

So if my math is correct (and it probably isn't) this woman is like... four months pregnant?

Doesn't the shower usually take place later in the pregnancy? Maybe everybody should CTFD and wait a month or two before worrying about a party.

Although it does seem kinda lousy that this pregnant woman is expected to drive "hundreds and hundreds" of miles (according to the OP) to attend a shower...

So why doesn't somebody local to her host the shower?  "Easier" for non pregnant guests to drive, right?

Because she is doing her residency. The only people you know if during residency when you are hundreds and hundreds of miles from home is typically other residents - who BTW are mad as h*ll that you are pregnant bc they have to cover for you when you give birth. Residency =/= not normal working conditions. Normally you go where ever you get a residency and move after it is over, often back to where your friends and family live.

AddieCake

I'm just here b/c I heard there was cheesecake. 

rajahmd

Here's my two cents, as a medical student currently in the process of applying to residency who's also worked with dozens of residents in a variety of specialties:

It's actually entirely possible. I've known residents to work 20+ days in a row. Most residents only get about 3 or 4 weeks paid vacation time and when you can take it is extremely limited. Residents are also probably pushed to not take off, especially in high intensity specialties. If the party would be several hundred miles away, she would probably need at least two days in a row off. That's hard to do. Also, she's probably saving vacation time for after the baby. Most residencies only allow you to take so much time off without making it up later. Time taken off before baby gets here = less time with baby after it's born.

I see nothing wrong with throwing a shower if dad can make it. If neither can make it, then fine, no shower. Given we only know that this coworker thinks she's expected to throw one, but we don't know by who, I'm willing to give the resident the benefit of the doubt. Chances are, she's got a lot more important things to worry about (like scheduling her maternity leave, making sure she doesn't miss too much of her rotations, planning for child care, etc) and isn'isn't even thinking about a baby shower yet. I would not be surprised if the grandparents are the ones pressuring for the shower.

aurianna

photokitty said:

Because she is doing her residency. The only people you know if during residency when you are hundreds and hundreds of miles from home is typically other residents - who BTW are mad as h*ll that you are pregnant bc they have to cover for you when you give birth. Residency =/= not normal working conditions. Normally you go where ever you get a residency and move after it is over, often back to where your friends and family live.

Bingo.
They have no family and very few friends in Boston. They are from St. Louis.
And she's supposedly saving every bit of time-off for when the baby comes.

She's 5 months along but doesn't come home until August.

And it's true. I did say in the OP that my friend wanted to give it to her; initially I didn't want to throw anyone under the bus... my bad. Really she just knows that they don't have much, would really like presents, and feels like it's expected of her and if she doesn't do it people will be mad.

ETA:
And yes, I'm getting the impression that the pressure is coming from my friend's MIL, though I didn't want to stir anything up by asking.

PrettyGirlLost

photokitty said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

CourtaniaLynn said:

So if my math is correct (and it probably isn't) this woman is like... four months pregnant?

Doesn't the shower usually take place later in the pregnancy? Maybe everybody should CTFD and wait a month or two before worrying about a party.

Although it does seem kinda lousy that this pregnant woman is expected to drive "hundreds and hundreds" of miles (according to the OP) to attend a shower...

So why doesn't somebody local to her host the shower?  "Easier" for non pregnant guests to drive, right?

Because she is doing her residency. The only people you know if during residency when you are hundreds and hundreds of miles from home is typically other residents - who BTW are mad as h*ll that you are pregnant bc they have to cover for you when you give birth. Residency =/= not normal working conditions. Normally you go where ever you get a residency and move after it is over, often back to where your friends and family live.

Oh I know, I work in a research lab in a hospital and we work with residents all the time.  I was trying to figure out if this woman had any one at all some what near the city where she was doing her residency that could possible host a shower for her.

aurianna said:

photokitty said:

Because she is doing her residency. The only people you know if during residency when you are hundreds and hundreds of miles from home is typically other residents - who BTW are mad as h*ll that you are pregnant bc they have to cover for you when you give birth. Residency =/= not normal working conditions. Normally you go where ever you get a residency and move after it is over, often back to where your friends and family live.

Bingo.
They have no family and very few friends in Boston. They are from St. Louis.
And she's supposedly saving every bit of time-off for when the baby comes.

She's 5 months along but doesn't come home until August.

And it's true. I did say in the OP that my friend wanted to give it to her; initially I didn't want to throw anyone under the bus... my bad. Really she just knows that they don't have much, would really like presents, and feels like it's expected of her and if she doesn't do it people will be mad.

ETA:
And yes, I'm getting the impression that the pressure is coming from my friend's MIL, though I didn't want to stir anything up by asking.

And I guess she does not.  Bummer, but I would still find a Skype shower odd and gift grabby.  Instead of throwing her a shower, everyone who would have normally attended and brought a gift could just mail it to her directly.

TheBaysideBride

Why doesn't your friend just contact all the Mom-to-Be's friends and say, "Mom-2-b is very crazed w/ the residency, we're all pitching in and getting her a giant Target gift card since we can't throw her a shower...."

No mom = no shower. Asking other people to take time out of their own busy lives to attend a shower that the guest of honor doesn't come to - noooooo.

PrettyGirlLost

TheBaysideBride said:

Why doesn't your friend just contact all the Mom-to-Be's friends and say, "Mom-2-b is very crazed w/ the residency, we're all pitching in and getting her a giant Target gift card since we can't throw her a shower...."

No mom = no shower. Asking other people to take time out of their own busy lives to attend a shower that the guest of honor doesn't come to - noooooo.

That is a nice idea too.

aurianna

But is it worse to do that since you're asking friends for money but not hosting them with a meal and/or refreshments?

southernbelle0915

I'm late to the party, but I mostly agree with the sentiment that it's fine if at least one of the parents attends, but if neither can swing it, it just shouldn't happen. It sounds like they're both pursuing big things in life (advanced degrees/careers, starting a family...). I honestly think a shower would be nice, but totally unnecessary if it's difficult logistically.

It's a new baby. Friends and family will almost DEFINITELY send presents whether she has a shower or not. I get the feeling your co-worker is a little more concerned that she's feeling pressured to throw this gig than she is about etiquette. It's a unique situation and until someone pressures her about it, I say she lets it be. If/When they do, she can explain that it didn't work out due to the couple's schedule but she plans to send a gift to their Boston address. If they want to follow suit, they can.

TheBaysideBride

Aurianna - IMO, no, because we're talking good friends. I wouldn't expect everyone to chip in, but it's fine. My good friend's b-day is this week, and she's in Shanghai, alone on a business trip, so I emailed our friends to say "let's send her some flowers, champers, etc."

I would do the same if a friend was OOT and couldn't come home for a shower.

PrettyGirlLost

What are champers?

TheBaysideBride

Prettygirl -- Champagne

PrettyGirlLost

Ooooh!  I'd like someone to mail me some, lol.

MGP

"I can't wait to spend my Saturday watching someone open gifts over Skype!"

Said no one ever. .

Seriously either one parent to be makes the effort to attend or no shower. Its a first baby, people will send gifts regardless.

photokitty

MGP said:

"I can't wait to spend my Saturday watching someone open gifts over Skype!"

Said no one ever. .

Seriously either one parent to be makes the effort to attend or no shower. Its a first baby, people will send gifts regardless.

I did...i was very happy to spend my Saturday with family, eating awesome food at a well hosted event while skping with the mom to be. I'd rather go to a skype shower than one with stupid games any day ! But that's just me...so I did say just that

LizM61409

Please stop assuming that she can magically take time off if she really wants to be there. I'm in my residency now, I get 3 weeks of vacation per year which are assigned in April for the entire academic year (July - June). The weekend schedule is usually set in stone around that time too. It can be difficult, if not impossible to make changes to the schedule. Yes, the work rules state you need 1 day off in 7, but sometimes that means you work a 24 on Friday then are off from Sat 7a until you come back to work on Sun at 7a (not really a "day off" but it counts as one b/c it's 24 hours). Not exactly time for a cross country trip there. Additionally, there are rules about how much time you can miss from any given year so often times pregnant residents don't have any other vacation time aside from maternity leave, b/c maternity leave + vacation means they can't advance in residency.

I totally agree it's weird to throw a shower for a mom who can't be there (I like the ideas of a shower after the delivery vs family/close friends sending her gifts b/c they want to but not at a shower). I just don't like hearing about how this woman MUST be able to make it if she really wanted to, because in residency this is definitely false.