Moving in together before wedding?

smalfrie19

smalfrie19 said:

I am firmly in the camp of try before your buy.

Just to add my story. I was with my ex for 3 years before we moved in together. We lived together for a year and I discovered that he was a slob, and dependent and in the end it became emotionally and psychologically abusive (which I am still recovering from almost two years later). My now FI moved in with me when my ex left, (it was my FI that gave me the courage to leave) and so we never lived apart. Learning each other is something we still do...every day. But in no situation, would I ever enter marriage with ANYONE without living with them first.

HisGirlFriday13

DH and I lived together before we were married -- first with family and then on our own -- and I'm glad we did. It gave us some time to work on the bumps that come with living together. We could have worked on them after marriage, too, but this is what worked for us.

It's very much a personal decision. However, I wouldn't live with someone I wasn't engaged to. I wouldn't live with a casual boyfriend, for example.

selenathegreat

It's definitely a very personal decision, but if a friend asked me for advice I'd say live together, no question. It creates some inertia that makes breaking up messier, sure, but it's such a valuable learning experience.

Could you luck out and be totally compatible without living together? Sure. You could luck out and be sexually compatible without trying it, too, but you could also discover your partner wants sex twice a day and you want it once a week. Or wants you to wear a tail. Or you could discover when moving in together that your partner gets violent when the bed isn't made or plays video games all night and ignores you. It's all part of getting to know someone, I'd say. Doesn't make it a guarantee of course.

lovesclimbing

No, it's not important. We did not live together before we got married and the majority of our friends haven't either. We talked about our living styles and stuff before getting married and we're doing fine. Neither of us has changed into a different person after moving in together.

thisismynickname2

emmyg65 said:

But I'm not a big fan of cohabitating unless you view it as a lifetime commitment (with marriage later or not). Breaking up is hard and having to move out makes it harder, which can work like inertia to keep you in a relationship you shouldn't be in. I speak from experience.

This. I've lived alone for 8 years but FI will be moving in with me about 6 months before the wedding. I saw too many friends move in with regular boyfriends go through bad breakups, lose their apartments, get stuck finding roommates, moving back in with their parents, you name it. I knew I would never live with a man until I had a ring on my finger. 

Friends of mine who are married--- some lived together for a long time before engagement, others moved in after engagement. It doesn't seem to make much difference in how the relationships are working out. 

ETA: clarified that my friends moved in with boyfriends without any kind of commitment- more out of financial convenience than anything else. That, I would not do. Wait until you know marriage is in the future, I'd say. 

Nikita2013

I am living with 2 roommates currently but even before than my parents had always taught me to be self-sufficient and how to be on a budget. My fiancee had to grow up early on in his life because of family and finanical problems so he understands more about  actually paying for rent and things like that. I think that between the both of us, we would work out great no matter what circumstances.

monkeysip

H and I did not live together before marriage.  We dated 10 1/2 years before getting married.  

Living together has just been fun.  We love it, and it really hasn't caused many problems for us.  Yes, we had to have a few conversations about laundry and bills, but if you have good communication skills in your relationship (which hopefully you do if you're getting married), then you'll be fine.

Hopefully you already know your FI really well, trust them, can communicate well with them, agree with them on the important issues, and respect each other.  If that's true, then living together shouldn't reveal any crazy issues.  If its not true, then you shouldn't be getting married.

I don't judge people who move in together before marriage.  That's their decision, and I can definitely understand the appeal.  However, I thoroughly disagree with the "try before you buy" mentality.  Your spouse is not a car.  They're a PERSON.  It implies that if the person doesn't meet your standards, then you're going to dump them and move on to the next car.  That's not a good mentality to bring into marriage.

smalfrie19

monkeysip said:

H and I did not live together before marriage.  We dated 10 1/2 years before getting married.  

Living together has just been fun.  We love it, and it really hasn't caused many problems for us.  Yes, we had to have a few conversations about laundry and bills, but if you have good communication skills in your relationship (which hopefully you do if you're getting married), then you'll be fine.

Hopefully you already know your FI really well, trust them, can communicate well with them, agree with them on the important issues, and respect each other.  If that's true, then living together shouldn't reveal any crazy issues.  If its not true, then you shouldn't be getting married.

I don't judge people who move in together before marriage.  That's their decision, and I can definitely understand the appeal.  However, I thoroughly disagree with the "try before you buy" mentality.  Your spouse is not a car.  They're a PERSON.  It implies that if the person doesn't meet your standards, then you're going to dump them and move on to the next car.  That's not a good mentality to bring into marriage.

This is certainly not the way it was meant. Marriage IS very serious and is very permanent and should not be looked at as going into with divorce being the way out. That is kind of the whole point of the phrase. Try thing out before you settle into something permanent. That is why the phrase is not "try, buy and return it if you don't like it"....

monkeysip

But isn't that what dating is?  Discerning your relationship and who your spouse really is?

My point is that there shouldn't be that many new things you find out from moving in with a person.  The types of things you find out after moving in aren't "dealbreakers" but something you should be able to work on.  Again, unless you didn't have communication or respect already.

smalfrie19

monkeysip said:

But isn't that what dating is?  Discerning your relationship and who your spouse really is?

My point is that there shouldn't be that many new things you find out from moving in with a person.  The types of things you find out after moving in aren't "dealbreakers" but something you should be able to work on.  Again, unless you didn't have communication or respect already.

In a perfect world yes, dating should be enough, but I feel like in the world we live in so many people "put their best foot forward" so to speak until they get comfortable with one another... and sometimes that can come through dating..and sometimes people don't "show their true colors" until you live with them...

monkeysip

I guess I'm coming from a different perspective since we dated so long.  There's no way H could have held up a facade for 10 years.  Obviously I don't think people need to date THAT long, but still, if you're dating for a long time, seems like it'd be hard to "put that best foot forward" the whole time.

I'd kind of worry if I never saw my mate's "bad side", you know?  

Either way, I still don't like the analogy.  People aren't objects, and marriage isn't a purchase.  When we buy a car, it's because we intend to use that car for our own purposes.  I fear that some people view their spouses that way... an object to "use" for their own desires.  

NYCBruin

monkeysip said:

I guess I'm coming from a different perspective since we dated so long.  There's no way H could have held up a facade for 10 years.  Obviously I don't think people need to date THAT long, but still, if you're dating for a long time, seems like it'd be hard to "put that best foot forward" the whole time.

I'd kind of worry if I never saw my mate's "bad side", you know?  

Either way, I still don't like the analogy.  People aren't objects, and marriage isn't a purchase.  When we buy a car, it's because we intend to use that car for our own purposes.  I fear that some people view their spouses that way... an object to "use" for their own desires.  

I'm not disagreeing with your last part, but I do have to disagree with the first part.

Just because you've seen your SO's "bad side" so to speak doesn't necessarily mean you've seen all of it.  I don't think @smalfrie19 meant that most people have never seen their SO mad or upset or gross or whatever before moving in together, but there are an awful lot of things you can manage to "hide" from someone until you live with them.  If one of those things has the chance to be a dealbreaker, I think the argument is that it's better to know that before you commit to the person for life.

Also, some things you just have to experience.  Before FI and I merged our finances we thought we had talked through everything, but there were an awful lot of things we didn't think about in the discussion phase.  Moving in together is the same way.  You can talk about what you think you'll be ok with/what you expect, but there are some things you might not think of until you're in the situation.

monkeysip

NYCBruin said:

monkeysip said:

I guess I'm coming from a different perspective since we dated so long.  There's no way H could have held up a facade for 10 years.  Obviously I don't think people need to date THAT long, but still, if you're dating for a long time, seems like it'd be hard to "put that best foot forward" the whole time.

I'd kind of worry if I never saw my mate's "bad side", you know?  

Either way, I still don't like the analogy.  People aren't objects, and marriage isn't a purchase.  When we buy a car, it's because we intend to use that car for our own purposes.  I fear that some people view their spouses that way... an object to "use" for their own desires.  

I'm not disagreeing with your last part, but I do have to disagree with the first part.

Just because you've seen your SO's "bad side" so to speak doesn't necessarily mean you've seen all of it.  I don't think @smalfrie19 meant that most people have never seen their SO mad or upset or gross or whatever before moving in together, but there are an awful lot of things you can manage to "hide" from someone until you live with them.  If one of those things has the chance to be a dealbreaker, I think the argument is that it's better to know that before you commit to the person for life.

Also, some things you just have to experience.  Before FI and I merged our finances we thought we had talked through everything, but there were an awful lot of things we didn't think about in the discussion phase.  Moving in together is the same way.  You can talk about what you think you'll be ok with/what you expect, but there are some things you might not think of until you're in the situation.

I'm not doubting that.  But I also think that marriage will throw a lot of things at you.  Things that you NEVER would have thought about before or been able to predict.  You're never going to be fully prepared for marriage.  It's good to develop the relationship skills to be able to deal with those sometimes *very challenging* surprises.  It's good to go into marriage with the mindset that whatever surprises arise, you WILL work through them.

NYCBruin

monkeysip said:

NYCBruin said:

monkeysip said:

I guess I'm coming from a different perspective since we dated so long.  There's no way H could have held up a facade for 10 years.  Obviously I don't think people need to date THAT long, but still, if you're dating for a long time, seems like it'd be hard to "put that best foot forward" the whole time.

I'd kind of worry if I never saw my mate's "bad side", you know?  

Either way, I still don't like the analogy.  People aren't objects, and marriage isn't a purchase.  When we buy a car, it's because we intend to use that car for our own purposes.  I fear that some people view their spouses that way... an object to "use" for their own desires.  

I'm not disagreeing with your last part, but I do have to disagree with the first part.

Just because you've seen your SO's "bad side" so to speak doesn't necessarily mean you've seen all of it.  I don't think @smalfrie19 meant that most people have never seen their SO mad or upset or gross or whatever before moving in together, but there are an awful lot of things you can manage to "hide" from someone until you live with them.  If one of those things has the chance to be a dealbreaker, I think the argument is that it's better to know that before you commit to the person for life.

Also, some things you just have to experience.  Before FI and I merged our finances we thought we had talked through everything, but there were an awful lot of things we didn't think about in the discussion phase.  Moving in together is the same way.  You can talk about what you think you'll be ok with/what you expect, but there are some things you might not think of until you're in the situation.

I'm not doubting that.  But I also think that marriage will throw a lot of things at you.  Things that you NEVER would have thought about before or been able to predict.  You're never going to be fully prepared for marriage.  It's good to develop the relationship skills to be able to deal with those sometimes *very challenging* surprises.  It's good to go into marriage with the mindset that whatever surprises arise, you WILL work through them.

I agree.  But there are some things that ARE deal breakers for some people: abusive habits, drug use with no intention/desire to quit, your SO not being attracted to individuals of your gender, etc.  These are all things that have caused people I know to divorce or break up after living together that they only discovered after living together.  There are some things that you really can't just work through and would probably prefer to know before getting married. 

Nikita2013

I agree with the both of u, yes I am engaged, we just haven't gotten a chance to move in together yet since I'm finishing up my bachlor's degree. I understand that the "bad side" can come out of a person but as @monkeysip said you need to work through your problems.

smalfrie19

Nikita2013 said:

I agree with the both of u, yes I am engaged, we just haven't gotten a chance to move in together yet since I'm finishing up my bachlor's degree. I understand that the "bad side" can come out of a person but as @monkeysip said you need to work through your problems.

I agree..you can work through some REALLY tough shit when both people try. But sometimes when you experience those problems first hand, what you thought you could handle, you can't. 

Full disclosure - I have issues from my ex and I let my emotional issues get the better of me and I get anxiety attacks or rage depending on them. Its not right and I am working on it, but sometimes I am not always strong enough. I would NEVER expect anyone to commit to dealing with that, possibly for life (I don't know how successful I will be in conquering these issues), without knowing what it was like to be around it. Talking about it and disclosing it is WAY different then experiencing it. 

monkeysip

smalfrie19 said:

Nikita2013 said:

I agree with the both of u, yes I am engaged, we just haven't gotten a chance to move in together yet since I'm finishing up my bachlor's degree. I understand that the "bad side" can come out of a person but as @monkeysip said you need to work through your problems.

I agree..you can work through some REALLY tough shit when both people try. But sometimes when you experience those problems first hand, what you thought you could handle, you can't. 

Full disclosure - I have issues from my ex and I let my emotional issues get the better of me and I get anxiety attacks or rage depending on them. Its not right and I am working on it, but sometimes I am not always strong enough. I would NEVER expect anyone to commit to dealing with that, possibly for life (I don't know how successful I will be in conquering these issues), without knowing what it was like to be around it. Talking about it and disclosing it is WAY different then experiencing it. 

I'm not trying to nitpick here.  I agree that there are things a person should know about their potential spouse before marrying them.

But Im honestly curious.  Are you saying that your FI would never experience this without living with you?  I mean, people make it sound like they only see their mate a few hours a week before they live together.  H and I spent A LOT of time together.  He definitely experienced my issues with depression years before we got married/moved in together.  I agree that experiencing is different from just talking about it.  But dating should involve experiencing your mate in many ways.

Nikita2013

In my situation, my fiancee knows how I am just by a look, we talk about anything and everything even things that we may not want to talk about but we do. Because in the end we feel so much better about it. Even though we don't get to see each other as often as we would like during the summer time I'm over at his home practically 5 times a week. I agree dating should involve experiencing your partner is different ways,and in all ways.

smalfrie19

monkeysip said:

smalfrie19 said:

Nikita2013 said:

I agree with the both of u, yes I am engaged, we just haven't gotten a chance to move in together yet since I'm finishing up my bachlor's degree. I understand that the "bad side" can come out of a person but as @monkeysip said you need to work through your problems.

I agree..you can work through some REALLY tough shit when both people try. But sometimes when you experience those problems first hand, what you thought you could handle, you can't. 

Full disclosure - I have issues from my ex and I let my emotional issues get the better of me and I get anxiety attacks or rage depending on them. Its not right and I am working on it, but sometimes I am not always strong enough. I would NEVER expect anyone to commit to dealing with that, possibly for life (I don't know how successful I will be in conquering these issues), without knowing what it was like to be around it. Talking about it and disclosing it is WAY different then experiencing it. 

I'm not trying to nitpick here.  I agree that there are things a person should know about their potential spouse before marrying them.

But Im honestly curious.  Are you saying that your FI would never experience this without living with you?  I mean, people make it sound like they only see their mate a few hours a week before they live together.  H and I spent A LOT of time together.  He definitely experienced my issues with depression years before we got married/moved in together.  I agree that experiencing is different from just talking about it.  But dating should involve experiencing your mate in many ways.

----stuck in a box---

Maybe, maybe not, that's very hard to say. I agree with what you say in a perfect world that you should know everything about your SO through dating.. I really get it. But this isn't a perfect world and people DO hide things..regardless of time/experiences. I have close relationships with a lot of people who have NEVER see that side of me. People I spend a lot of time with have never seen it. Its not something that I turn off or on either its not like I can say "this is what you will experience" and demonstrate.... 

NYCBruin

monkeysip said:

smalfrie19 said:

Nikita2013 said:

I agree with the both of u, yes I am engaged, we just haven't gotten a chance to move in together yet since I'm finishing up my bachlor's degree. I understand that the "bad side" can come out of a person but as @monkeysip said you need to work through your problems.

I agree..you can work through some REALLY tough shit when both people try. But sometimes when you experience those problems first hand, what you thought you could handle, you can't. 

Full disclosure - I have issues from my ex and I let my emotional issues get the better of me and I get anxiety attacks or rage depending on them. Its not right and I am working on it, but sometimes I am not always strong enough. I would NEVER expect anyone to commit to dealing with that, possibly for life (I don't know how successful I will be in conquering these issues), without knowing what it was like to be around it. Talking about it and disclosing it is WAY different then experiencing it. 

I'm not trying to nitpick here.  I agree that there are things a person should know about their potential spouse before marrying them.

But Im honestly curious.  Are you saying that your FI would never experience this without living with you?  I mean, people make it sound like they only see their mate a few hours a week before they live together.  H and I spent A LOT of time together.  He definitely experienced my issues with depression years before we got married/moved in together.  I agree that experiencing is different from just talking about it.  But dating should involve experiencing your mate in many ways.

Even spending a LOT of time together is different than the amount of time you spend together living together.  Also, when you're dating and not living together, the time you spend together is more like to be "up" time, meaning that the percentage of time that your SO is seeing you in a "bad" place is significantly less than the actual amount of time you are really in a "bad" place or feeling "down" or whatever you want to call it.  It's one thing to experience something in small doses and another to live with it full time.  

monkeysip

The sad part is that if they were able to hide that from you for so long while dating and spending lots of time together, they could find ways to hide it even after living together.

Then you hear about these cases where after 15 years of marriage it turned out the spouse was gay, or already married to 5 other women, or a drug user, or a secret agent, etc.  If people really want to hide something, they'll hide it even after marriage.  One could go crazy thinking about that stuff!

NYCBruin

Also I feel like I need to clarify, I'm not saying that people intentionally "hide" things from their SO before living together, it's just that there are some things you are FAR less likely to see/experience unless you share a living space with someone.

hlvonb

I personally like living together before marriage. Had I not lived with my last FI first I would be going through a hell-ish divorce (that's being nice). There were so, so, so many things I didn't know / see / realize until living together.

Also, living with my FI now actually made me fall more in love with him by just seeing the little ways he helps out.

vk2204

H and I were together 7.9 years before we got married. We both lived with our parents and bought our first home 6 months before our wedding and moved in just over 2 months until our wedding day. For us it was the best decision. We would have liked to move in together earlier, but we just couldn't make it work financially for how we wanted to live. Plus, at the time, the economy was so bad that my H couldn't find a job in the field he wanted so we didn't want to put down roots and then have to move to a different state. Thankfully a few months before we were going to start looking to move out of state he got the call and was hired so it all worked out lol. For us, It wasn't going to be a deal breaker if we couldn't live together before we got married.

I don't think that people need to live together before making a lifelong commitment, I think you should do what works best for the both of you.

ei34

I lived with my hubby for a couple years before getting married and I'm glad we did, it was right for us.  Almost all of my friends/siblings also lived with their SO's before marriage.  I know of one or two couples who didn't move in together until they were married, and they seem happily married to this day, so I think each couple has to do what feels right for them.

Ven&Radio

For me, personally, I wouldn't even been comfortable getting engaged without living together first. That's my comfort level though - everyone is going to have their own ideas about what is right for them. It's a lot like asking how long a couple should be together before getting engaged - for some it's a matter of weeks, others it's many years. Trust your instincts and do what feels right to you.

Belthil

Personally, I think living together prior to marriage is important. Like some PP's have posted there can be big problems that are only exposed when you live together, but I think those are rare and there may be some red flags prior to moving in together that weren't picked up.

But I think it's up to a person's comfort level. If, for whatever reason, you don't feel comfortable living with your SO prior to marriage then don't.  As this discussion has shown it's a very personal decision.

kerbohl

I'm enjoying this discussion - it's been really interesting to hear other people's opinion on this.

I am in the "not living together before marriage" group, but I second (and would stress) the importance of living independently before moving in together.  Some guys (and some girls as well) go straight from their mother's house to their marriage house and expect the spouse to do everything that their mother did.  I know a guy like this, and he doesn't pick up after himself or do any cleaning or laundry - it has been very unpleasant for his spouse.  It has gotten better over the years for that couple, but it is so important to live on your own and see everything that goes into maintaining a household with just you before you try to make a household with a spouse.

I feel confident that I know my FI well enough to live peacefully with him after the marriage, but that is after a number of years of dating and recognizing fully that the first year of marriage will involve a bit more work with figuring out how to live together at the same time.  But if you keep your eyes open during dating and be honest with each other, that should be sufficient.  However, I recognize that it isn't enough for everyone.

And to add, I LOVED living on my own.  I've had to move back in with my parents briefly before the wedding, and I miss having a house to myself. 

Cokezerofreak

We aren't living together but not because we don't want to; he's in the AF and retiring a few years after we get married (deployed at least twice during that time period) and I am pretty well established where I am at (good job, my own home, family and friends).  Would I love to move in with him before and after we are marred? YES.  But our brains are working harder/smarter than our hearts for our future.

Over the last year we've been on road trips across six states.  If you can survive that stress of all different types of weather, confined it a small space, traveling with a dog, being stopped by the police for not paying a gas bill (funny story, now), I feel we can survive anything!

It's up to you what you'd like to do. Don't be pressured into something that you don't want to do.

Emmy1493

I know when my FI and I graduated high school, I wanted to live together. We had pretty much been anyway since I stayed the night there a few nights, and vice versa. We never really did anything sexual-so it wasn't a huge issue with our parents. I am actually really glad we decided on living together too because it has taught us so much about finances, and not relying on parents to pay our way for stuff. We have also learned so much about each other and I don't regret the decision one bit. It has been almost three years, and even though it is a lot of work, were happy to come home to each other every day! Now that were engaged and about to be married-it's one less new thing to have to get used to. Just my opinion though.