Moving in together before wedding?

SKPM

NYCBruin said:

Rebl90 said:

Personally, my FI and I are not moving in with each other until after the wedding. He is purchasing a home for us and will move in when everything is settled, but I won't be joining him despite the fact we will be in the same city.  We have quite a few reasons, he's a sociologist and I'm finishing my graduate degree in psychology and both have discovered that couples living together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce within the first 5 years of marriage (no, I'm not making that up or exaggerating anything, it's been academically proven). Also, we both chose to be abstinent before we married when we were teens, and have stuck to that through our relationship, so it means a lot to us and we would like to see it through to the end. 

There's nothing wrong with choosing to not live together before marriage, but as a person with a graduate degree in psychology I'm rather shocked at your statement.  Yes, some studies show higher rates of divorce.  Others show this to be false.  Many of these studies fail to take into account a whole lot of mitigating variables.  

--------------------
Yup. Correlation =/= causation. (Research 101, no?) What if, for one reason or another, couples who are more likely to get divorced anyway are also more likely to move in together? For example, a couple who moves in together for primarily financial reasons may be less financially stable and more likely to divorce due to finances later. (I am not making ANY implications about PPs, just using an example for the sake of argument.) Or a couple that's codependent to the point of being unhealthy moving in together and, not shockingly, has greater issues later on.

The potential implication for the general population, of course, would be that living together has little or no bearing on the likelihood of your marriage succeeding.

ETA malfunctioning quote boxes.

chibiyui

mcross10 said:

http://firstthings.org/what-you-should-know-about-living-together

If you believe this, cool. But please don't post something like this by itself like its 100% true for everyone. Plenty of women get shamed enough as it is without stuff like this being passed around.

Swazzle

Spark52 said:

It's to your advantage not to live together prior.  The divorce rate of those who live together prior to marriage is higher.   Also, if you haven't been abstinent, adapt that lifestyle in the months prior to your wedding.  It will make your wedding night sooooooooo much more memorable!!!

This post is just... no. 

As you can see from PPs responding to someone else above, there are SO many things to take into account when looking at this. 

And for the 2nd part of your post, I'm pretty sure most people would consider their wedding night memorable even if they didn't have sex at all that night. While I realize it's a very personal decision, deciding to become abstinent for a couple of months is just odd to me. 

NYCBruin

mcross10 said:

http://firstthings.org/what-you-should-know-about-living-together

It concerns me that you're a graduate student and think this is a "source."

Swazzle

NYCBruin said:

mcross10 said:

http://firstthings.org/what-you-should-know-about-living-together

It concerns me that you're a graduate student and think this is a "source."

Agree 100% with this. 

From that website: 

What is the problem?

Chattanooga has a reputation for setting standards. But beneath the community’s growth, environmental health and booming economy lies the hidden fact that many families are in crisis. Divorce, absent fathers and unwed births are compromising the future of Hamilton County’s children.

Yes, unwed mothers are exactly what's causing all of the problems in the world.

kerbohl

Is the "70% of statistics are made up" a made-up statistic? 

My sister, who is usually lovely with her advice, tried to help me out with relationships and sent me an article about women moving in with their boyfriends before marriage.  The one thing I had the most problem with is that it stated that women are more likely to get abused when they move in with their boyfriends.  Um . . . so much wrong with that.  First of all, if their boyfriends are abusive (whether these women know it or not before moving in), of course the abuse will increase because there are increased opportunities when you are around the person 24/7.  You know what else increases the opportunity in the same way - marriage!!  If I hadn't already made the choice to not move in with FI before marriage, this article would have not helped me at all, just because of the ridiculousness of its one statement.  Fear-mongering if anything.

Nikita2013

Swazzle said:

Spark52 said:

It's to your advantage not to live together prior.  The divorce rate of those who live together prior to marriage is higher.   Also, if you haven't been abstinent, adapt that lifestyle in the months prior to your wedding.  It will make your wedding night sooooooooo much more memorable!!!

This post is just... no. 

As you can see from PPs responding to someone else above, there are SO many things to take into account when looking at this. 

And for the 2nd part of your post, I'm pretty sure most people would consider their wedding night memorable even if they didn't have sex at all that night. While I realize it's a very personal decision, deciding to become abstinent for a couple of months is just odd to me. 

I thought the second part of the post was funny and cute at the same time. I don't think it's odd at all, like you said it is a personal decision. I was thinking about doing that myself. I don't know, that's just my opinion.

arrippa

Nikita2013

Swazzle said:

Spark52 said:

It's to your advantage not to live together prior.  The divorce rate of those who live together prior to marriage is higher.   Also, if you haven't been abstinent, adapt that lifestyle in the months prior to your wedding.  It will make your wedding night sooooooooo much more memorable!!!

This post is just... no. 

As you can see from PPs responding to someone else above, there are SO many things to take into account when looking at this. 

And for the 2nd part of your post, I'm pretty sure most people would consider their wedding night memorable even if they didn't have sex at all that night. While I realize it's a very personal decision, deciding to become abstinent for a couple of months is just odd to me. 

As a someone who waited to have sex until they were married, even I don't get the point of couples who are already banging to hold off until the wedding night.

For someone who waited 20 years to even experience sex, I don't really think it matters. I could have waited until the wedding night but I decided not to. Now I'm engaged to that same man and I'm thinking about waiting a little while to not have sex before the wedding. It's true it can make it more special. That is also someone's personal decision.

PolarBearFitz

Oh the dead horse beating...

photokitty

It was really important for me not to live together before I got married, then I got married and left him after 8 months. Had we lived together before hand I think his less than stellar qualities would have manifested before it was too late. They started to manifest within 2 months of living together/ being married. He hid them really well during dating and out engagement.

The second time around I wouldn't have gotten married without living together first. We'd lived together a year now, and been married for 5 months and no surprises - everything is ducky =o) But I wouldn't move in without marriage being imminent. 

So that's MHO  

msamandalewis

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

Swazzle

msamandalewis said:

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

I find your post to be really asinine and offensive. How the hell do you know if couples that live together have more problems? That is such an ignorant statement to make and based on what? Your own personal opinion?

No, we were not in a "fake marriage" we were in a goddamn relationship and we chose to live together because that's what was right for us. We've been "firmly committed" to each other for 6 and a half years, not just 7 months because we got married. 

JCbride2015

 

msamandalewis said:

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

I have so many problems with this statement it's hard to know where to begin.  First off, correlation =/= causation.  If you are already in a codependent relationship, or have financial problems, you're more likely to make a poorly advised choice to move in together for the wrong reasons.  Thus you're more likely to break up because you weren't in a good relationship to start with.  It doesn't mean that living together actually caused your problems.  In fact, I'd say the many responses on this board strongly suggest the other way: living together either helps you figure out what's wrong and get out before you make a big mistake of marrying a jerk, or it strengthens your relationship and subsequent marriage.

And what the hell are you talking about with the "your* in a fake marriage" thing?  I'm so offended, I can't even. Just... what @Swazzle said.

It sounds to me like you're spouting thinly veiled church propaganda. 

*Learn grammar.  You're in a fake marriage.

NYCBruin

msamandalewis said:

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

What the actual fuck?

In addition to the excellent points already made, I would like to point out that there are some couples who live together that have no desire or intention to get married.  That doesn't mean that their relationship is any less meaningful or that they "wasted" time, energy, love and spirit (whatever the fuck that means).

Newsflash, not everyone has the same views as you or wants the same things out of life as you. 

smalfrie19

Glad to know I am in a fake marriage!!!! /sarcasm

Senecaf

msamandalewis said:

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

Did you write this? Not only is it offensive and judgemental I'd say it's also poorly written.

"The bottom line is" it's wrong

photokitty

msamandalewis said:

The bottom line is couples that live together before marriage have more problems than those that wait. Living together creates an environment of cohabitation and marriage without the firm commitment between both parties to work together through any issue. You do not have the security of a true commitment and pledge that this person is committed to you no matter what. 

The bottom line is living with someone, you encounter what it is to be married/but not really. Your in a fake marriage. A lot of people who live together also don't get the benefit of understanding if the problems they experience are issues they should resolve within themselves, or because that person isn't really right for them. The waters are muddied and it becomes increasingly difficult to make informed decisions. 

In the end it is your decision, but there is absolutely no reason to live with someone unless you are absolutely sure they are the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why waste your time, energy, love, and spirit in such a huge way if you and he/she are not absolutely in it all the way?

Maybe couples that didn't live together have the same amount of problems, they have just been taught antiquated ways and told they HAVE to make it work because family/religion/morals were ingrained in them that MAKING it work is the ONLY option. Ever thing about that??

NYCBruin

Also, I don't know you @msamadalewis but I have a feeling based on your post that my "fake marriage" is more awesome than your "real" marriage.

Swazzle

NYCBruin said:

Also, I don't know you @msamadalewis but I have a feeling based on your post that my "fake marriage" is more awesome than your "real" marriage.

I agree with this assessment.