Feel awkward about the bridal shower

afox007

My MOH is also engaged and last night I was thinking about planning her bridal shower. My big concern is her first wedding was only 4 years ago. She got divorced right before her 2nd anniversary. Her wedding isn't until next Oct or Nov so I have plenty of time, but does it seem weird and gift grabby to have a shower only 5 years after her last one? She was already saying she would be registering for a lot of the same stuff since what she didn't lose in the divorce she sold since she saw it as a reminder of her ex. 

photokitty

Good news - you are under NO obligation to throw her a shower. If you feel awkward hosting, don't offer. The only duties you are required to do are buy the required dress and show up sober. The other things for you to decide if you want to do them of not. If you feel uncomfortable throwing her a shower let someone do it. If no one offers to throw her one, she doesn't get one. Showers are not required. GL!

I did not have a shower for my second marriage and I had a 5 year gap between weddings. I thought it looked gift grabby IMHO so did my family, so no one offered to throw one. There's nothing wrong etiquette wise with having one, but I didn't feel right having one - again that's just MHO.

afox007 said:

My MOH is also engaged and last night I was thinking about planning her bridal shower. My big concern is her first wedding was only 4 years ago. She got divorced right before her 2nd anniversary. Her wedding isn't until next Oct or Nov so I have plenty of time, but does it seem weird and gift grabby to have a shower only 5 years after her last one? She was already saying she would be registering for a lot of the same stuff since what she didn't lose in the divorce she sold since she saw it as a reminder of her ex. 

I think that's just weird. She sold it bc it reminder her of him?? It's an inanimate object for pete's sake - from someone else. I would be annoyed if I bought her something nice that I thought would last a life time, only to see it back on her registry since she plans to registry for the "same stuff."

radleyboo

If you want to celebrate her marriage, but feel odd about the traditional shower route, why not throw her a 'personal shower'?  My BMs did this for me, and it was lovely.  I didn't want a traditional shower or a bachelorette party, so we just got family and friends together for food and drinks at a restaurant.  They 'showered' me with personal gifts like lingerie, gift cards to the salon, candles, a nice tote for the beach, etc.  It was great and might be a nice option for you.

AliLovesJD

I'm a second bride. I was married in 2008 and was divorced only a few years later. By the time my second wedding rolls around it will be 8 years between the two. I am not having, nor expecting, another shower.

I know people break the standards and do what they wish, but a shower is going to look gift greedy. You really are supposed to only have one bridal shower.

It's no ones problem that she sold the things that she was given as gifts. And why didn't she then turn around and buy replacements on her own?

My fiance and I chose to create a wedding website and designate a page for our registries. That way, if any our guests would like to get us something, they will have some ideas. But gifts are not expected at all. It sounds more like your friend is hoping to restock her new life a second time which isn't right.

If she brings it up there are a number of reasons you could give her for not wanting to host it:
a. It's not in your budget
b. It's too much for you to take on
c. or the truth: you don't feel comfortable

Good Luck!
 

laceyjo18

I've been struggling with this too. I did not want a shower for my first wedding, as both my ex-husband and I had lived on our own for YEARS and didn't need or want for any household things. However, my aunts threw my a surprise shower, and I did receive a lot of gifts that I still use to this day - and I was very thankful! However, for my second wedding I REALLY do not want a shower and as much as I express that I fear that (like the first time) someone will throw one for me. Although I do think it is fine to have one if you wish, I feel that it is a personal decision and whatever the bride wants should be honored. For our wedding DF and I have chosen a honeymoon registry, since we will be paying for the wedding ourselves and if people (read: my family) feel inclined to give a gift we would prefer the gift of a honeymoon. 

In your situation, as someone said, if you feel awkward don't put yourself in that situation; she should understand. Maybe another person (a family member perhaps?) could take on the task, so that she can have the shower that she wants but the burden is not on your shoulders. Good luck!

photokitty

laceyjo18 said:

I've been struggling with this too. I did not want a shower for my first wedding, as both my ex-husband and I had lived on our own for YEARS and didn't need or want for any household things. However, my aunts threw my a surprise shower, and I did receive a lot of gifts that I still use to this day - and I was very thankful! However, for my second wedding I REALLY do not want a shower and as much as I express that I fear that (like the first time) someone will throw one for me. Although I do think it is fine to have one if you wish, I feel that it is a personal decision and whatever the bride wants should be honored. For our wedding DF and I have chosen a honeymoon registry, since we will be paying for the wedding ourselves and if people (read: my family) feel inclined to give a gift we would prefer the gift of a honeymoon. 

In your situation, as someone said, if you feel awkward don't put yourself in that situation; she should understand. Maybe another person (a family member perhaps?) could take on the task, so that she can have the shower that she wants but the burden is not on your shoulders. Good luck!

Sorry @Laceyjo18, but HM registries are not polite.

We did not register - anywhere. And I did not have any showers for my second wedding, bc I didn't feel comfortable doing so.

Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use HM registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. They believe you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. HMR are deceitful and almost all of your guests are unaware they are being charged a fee and that you will not actually receive the gift they select.

But I have good news  

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

 A HM is not polite, sorry. There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

lauranchad

This is going to be my third marriage.  I am not wanting a shower, however my wedding party wants to have SOMETHING, so we are having an "Engagement" party.  That way if people want to bring gifts, they can, if not, they still can celebrate with us.  Also, that way the guys can be involved too.