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Wedding Party

Wedding Party Drama

Help!! I did not ask my FH's SIL to be a bridesmaid but asked her to a reading instead - she initially agreed and was excited. She then stopped speaking to us, refused to attend Thanksgiving, and has been refusing the attend the wedding. After hearing how hurt she was my FH offered for her to be a groomswomen - she refused. I reached out to her explaining that I had chosen my bridal party for a reason and that I had not intended to hurt her feelings - she responded saying it was an insult to be asked to do a reading and preceded to bring a whole bunch of family drama into it - that does not involve me and happened long before my FH and I were even dating. I told her it was unfair to be using my wedding to "take a stand" against other family members and that her behavior was selfish and hurtful... after a week or so she then called a apologized to my FH and asked to be a groomswomen (I think she realized I was not going to bend and ask her to be a bridesmaid despite her acting like a petulant child)... she has yet to apologize to me - my family/friends are very upset with her behavior... I am having a hard time moving past this and now my FH wants me to pick out her dress!!! I had already made the appointment for hair and make-up (which are optional) - but I really can't fathom spending the day with her after all the stress and drama she created, especially without even an apology... Would it be terrible for me to not include her and to have him pick out her dress??? 

Re: Wedding Party Drama

  • Well this sounds like something you should air out, so to speak, before the wedding day. But since she's a grooms woman and not a bridesmaid, that makes her your FI's attendant, not yours. So yeah, totally ok to have him pick her outfit alone if you haven't already agreed to help select his or his groomsmen's outfits.
    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Good for you for standing your ground!  You did nothing wrong here!  I agree if she can't be bothered to apologize to you, then you are justified in being angry and not wanting to help pick out something for her to wear. It's possible your fiance wants your help b/c he doesn't have any idea what to tell a woman to wear, though. If so, I would just suggest to him a dress color and have him relay that info and she can get a dress on her own. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    doeydoei34
  • I have plans to discuss things with her further but I am trying to let myself "cool down" before I do - hopefully that's before the wedding! My FH believes she is aware of how foolishly she behaved and is embarrassed which is why she hasn't apologize to me yet... I just have a hard time understanding someone who behaves like she did... not how I was raised that's for sure!! 
  • She sounds ridiculous and immature. 

    Yeah, I'd guess your fiance wants help because he's clueless. My FI would walk into a store and buy the first dress in our wedding colors he saw to be done with it, even if it was in crushed velvet or something.  I'd say give her a color and maybe another detail, and then tell him to tell her to pick anything she'd like within that range. 

    As for the day-of, I'd tell your FI how you're feeling and then weigh out the options. Is the drama of having her be shuffled away from you worth the drama of having her there? It may or may not be, but you'll just have to figure it out. 

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  • @ AddieL73 - I have told my FH that much... short, not shiny, and in a color that matches the men's khaki linen suits!! I also told him his mother and daughter can help her - they have both seen my dress and his daughter is my MOH... so she knows what the bridesmaids are wearing...
    MairePoppy
  • edited December 2013
    It's funny. I had the opposite drama when my MOH decided she wasn't close enough to me to be MOH and dropped down to a bridesmaid. Then a little less than a year goes by and she won't help me with anything wedding related. The drama came to a head with an all out yelling match where she didn't want to even be a bridesmaid. Now I just shake my head at it all because after letting her go from the party, I was able to fully appreciate how wonderful my other bridesmaids are. Our friendship survived, but barely. She's happy because I no longer have any expectations of her. Not even expectations for her as a friend.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Congratulations on standing your ground successfully!

    As far as picking out a dress goes, I agree with PPs that your FI probably asked your assistance because he doesn't really know what to do about a groomswoman.  You might just pick a color, fabric, and/or style and tell him that as long as she gets something in those parameters that meets her budget, she'll be fine.
    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    It's funny. I had the opposite drama when my MOH decided she wasn't close enough to me to be MOH and dropped down to a bridesmaid. Then a little less than a year goes by and she won't help me with anything wedding related. The drama came to a head with an all out yelling match where she didn't want to even be a bridesmaid. Now I just shake my head at it all because after letting her go from the party, I was able to fully appreciate how wonderful my other bridesmaids are. Our friendship survived, but barely. She's happy because I no longer have any expectations of her. Not even expectations for her as a friend.
    This is what happens when a bride expects her wedding party to help plan the wedding. By dumping  your friend from your wedding party, you have damaged a friendship that you once valued. This story says more about you than it does about her. 

    @Starlet514 Your FSIL was wrong, but don't hold your breath for an apology. It's fine to have your fi pick out the outfits for all his attendants, including the groomswoman. You've given him enough instructions for the two of them to figure it out. I wouldn't offer more help than that, unless she approaches you directly and politely.
                       
    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • Your FSIL sounds ridiculous. I would not invite her to hair/make-up. If she hasn't apologized to you, I just wouldn't put in that extra effort. 

    As far as her dress, I would definitely help your FH. He's probably clueless trying to pick out women's clothing and just wants your help. Don't punish him for his sister's bullshit.
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  • Thank you all for the support!!  Hopefully she and I can have a meaningful conversation about what all went down... I know my FH was mostly concerned that she wouldn't allow his brother to come to the wedding since she was banning herself and son... so at least that part of the drama is patched for now... 
    I will see how she's behaves over the next couple of months with regards to including her in hair/make-up.. but I will review dress shopping instructions again with FH and let him take the reins!! 
    Lesson for all - crazy comes up in weird and unexpected times!!! 
  • My FSIL pulled a similar stunt. Said she wouldn't attend the wedding at all if she couldn't be a bridesmaid. We had planned on her as an usher since she is younger and I have a younger sibling who would also be an usher rather than a groomsman. Long story short-FH's family made it very clear I would not be on good terms with them after the wedding if she wasn't a maid. I now have 7 bridesmaids-including her-and still feel angry/frustrated when I think about the situation. You did nothing wrong by taking a stand. It is your big day and trust me if you would have given in to her, you'd feel much worse at this point. Kudos to you for standing your ground!

  • @jpfaff92 - It's too bad the family didn't support you. I hope that you will be able to have some better feelings about the situation by the time you wedding comes around!!! Just embrace your other 6 bridesmaids - they will keep you smiling on your day!! 
  • @jpfaff92 I had a very similar situation with my future SIL's and now they have a part in the wedding vs being BMs...there was so much drama involved because SOMEONE's feelings would get hurt. I told my FH that we should just elope the other day...good to know im not alone!
  • Ok... this is a VERY silly question... but does my FH's current SIL (his brothers wife) become my SIL when we are married??? 
    Or is it like a 3rd cousin twice removed??? lol... Can I just pretend she isn't my SIL??? 
    and YES TO ELOPING!!! I wish we were!!! 
  •  

     Just embrace your other 6 bridesmaids - they will keep you smiling on your day!! 
    Good advice!
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ok... this is a VERY silly question... but does my FH's current SIL (his brothers wife) become my SIL when we are married??? 
    Or is it like a 3rd cousin twice removed??? lol... Can I just pretend she isn't my SIL??? 
    and YES TO ELOPING!!! I wish we were!!! 
    Aren't you being a little melodramatic here?  I know you are probably joking, but weddings can bring out the worst in families.  Hopefully this is the last BSC outburst from your FSIL ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @prettygirllost - of course I am joking! Humor helps get through sticky situations! And fingers crossed it's all up from here! =)
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @prettygirllost - of course I am joking! Humor helps get through sticky situations! And fingers crossed it's all up from here! =)
    Good luck and hopefully she is just having a rare, bad time. . . maybe you will become nice friends!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Ok... this is a VERY silly question... but does my FH's current SIL (his brothers wife) become my SIL when we are married??? 
    Or is it like a 3rd cousin twice removed??? lol... Can I just pretend she isn't my SIL??? 
    and YES TO ELOPING!!! I wish we were!!! 
    Yes, she does become your SIL.

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