Losing a family member before the wedding

Jen4948

bmydesigner said:

Well, this is kind of a sensitive topic. And although I agree that yes, this is a public forum and anyone is allowed to give their opinion - subjects like this should be handled gracefully. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and I expect the same of you. I do not automatically think someone who has not been in that situation is insensitive to the subject. It all depends on how they handle the situation. In this case, I disagree with how you would handle this situation. Which is fine, life will always have its disagreements. I just wanted to try to point out to you that sometimes, in certain special cases like this, it is more important to keep in mind of what the bride and groom want and not necessarily what the guests would want.

Sorry, but you did call me insensitive, and sorry, but I don't agree that the couple should automatically ignore the feelings of their guests to indulge their grief.

We can agree to disagree, but it's not up to you to decide how anyone should answer a post.  The only thing you can "expect" of anyone here is politeness, and at no time was I impolite to you.  You do not have the right to "expect" anyone to agree that the couple should be allowed to indulge their grief and sorrow in memorials to the dead as they see fit even if it makes their guests uncomfortable or to label anyone "insensitive" for not agreeing with your personal beliefs on this. 

My BF's father is deceased, so we will be dealing with this.  While I am open to his remembering his father in many respects, I am not going to be open to his doing it in ways that make what are not only his, but also my, guests, many of whom will have never met his father, uncomfortable.  I also have deceased relatives I would like to remember, but I am going to be subtle about how I do it and not engage in tear-jerking.  Our wedding is not a memorial service for his father or any other deceased persons-on either side.

virdi17

Thank you all for your advice and input! I really appreciate it.

KickAssMOH

Inkdancer said:

bmydesigner said:

Well, this is kind of a sensitive topic. And although I agree that yes, this is a public forum and anyone is allowed to give their opinion - subjects like this should be handled gracefully. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and I expect the same of you. I do not automatically think someone who has not been in that situation is insensitive to the subject. It all depends on how they handle the situation. In this case, I disagree with how you would handle this situation. Which is fine, life will always have its disagreements. I just wanted to try to point out to you that sometimes, in certain special cases like this, it is more important to keep in mind of what the bride and groom want and not necessarily what the guests would want.

I disagree on the bolded. While a wedding does celebrate the union of the bride and groom, guests should always be considered and treated with respect. If the bride or groom wants to remember a family member or important person who has passed, that is fine. However, they should be considerate of their guests' time and feelings-- many of their guests will also miss these people, and will want to grieve or remember in their own way. For example, surprising an uncle by leaving an empty chair for his deceased sister might cause him a world of heartache that he wasn't expecting on a day he should be celebrating the new happy life of the bride and groom.

TL;DR version: The feelings of your guests should definitely be taken into account while planning to honor someone at your wedding.

To be fair, I talked to my uncle about this beforehand (which I assume anyone doing this to remember their mother would do). It was a family decision, and has been done before at many of our family weddings, and at the weddings of my friends. No one was surprised by anything.

When you are young and you lose a parent or grandparent, most people instantly think of the future happy times that that person will miss, such as weddings and meeting future babies. During the time that my mom was ill and passed away after her 5-yr battle with ovarian cancer, I constantly envisioned how my wedding day would be without her and that hurt me the most. If I wanted to spend ten minutes out of a 6-hour event honoring her by shouting her name from the f'ing rooftop, then I would've. When you spend years and years of your life watching a loved one suffer and then have the biggest celebration of your life without them present, then you earn the right to honor them however you damn well please. Guests who know you and love you should respect that and let you honor those who have passed however you see fit.

Inkdancer

KickAssMOH As long as you discussed it with your mother's other relatives, then I see nothing wrong with it. Your fiance's ex-roommate's sister isn't going to be affected by how you choose to honor your mother. I'm just suggesting that if you do want to honor someone who has passed, you should think about how others who also have lost this person will feel.

Jen4948

KickAssMOH said:

Inkdancer said:

bmydesigner said:

Well, this is kind of a sensitive topic. And although I agree that yes, this is a public forum and anyone is allowed to give their opinion - subjects like this should be handled gracefully. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and I expect the same of you. I do not automatically think someone who has not been in that situation is insensitive to the subject. It all depends on how they handle the situation. In this case, I disagree with how you would handle this situation. Which is fine, life will always have its disagreements. I just wanted to try to point out to you that sometimes, in certain special cases like this, it is more important to keep in mind of what the bride and groom want and not necessarily what the guests would want.

I disagree on the bolded. While a wedding does celebrate the union of the bride and groom, guests should always be considered and treated with respect. If the bride or groom wants to remember a family member or important person who has passed, that is fine. However, they should be considerate of their guests' time and feelings-- many of their guests will also miss these people, and will want to grieve or remember in their own way. For example, surprising an uncle by leaving an empty chair for his deceased sister might cause him a world of heartache that he wasn't expecting on a day he should be celebrating the new happy life of the bride and groom.

TL;DR version: The feelings of your guests should definitely be taken into account while planning to honor someone at your wedding.

To be fair, I talked to my uncle about this beforehand (which I assume anyone doing this to remember their mother would do). It was a family decision, and has been done before at many of our family weddings, and at the weddings of my friends. No one was surprised by anything.

When you are young and you lose a parent or grandparent, most people instantly think of the future happy times that that person will miss, such as weddings and meeting future babies. During the time that my mom was ill and passed away after her 5-yr battle with ovarian cancer, I constantly envisioned how my wedding day would be without her and that hurt me the most. If I wanted to spend ten minutes out of a 6-hour event honoring her by shouting her name from the f'ing rooftop, then I would've. When you spend years and years of your life watching a loved one suffer and then have the biggest celebration of your life without them present, then you earn the right to honor them however you damn well please. Guests who know you and love you should respect that and let you honor those who have passed however you see fit.

Sorry, no. An attitude of "It's my wedding, I'll do whatever I damn please and fuck the guests if they don't like it" is rude and inconsiderate of people you are asking to take time out of their lives for you and to give you a gift. At the very least you owe them the courtesy of not turning your wedding ionto a sequel to a funeral. As much as you miss your loved ones, and as tragically as they may have died, you do not have the right to invite your guests to a happy occasion only to find that there are too many and/or too heavy references to grief, loss, and suffering. If a couple needs to engage in that at the time they get married, then tr aditionally etiquette holds that they keep their wedding small, quiet, and private-or delay the wedding until the heavier mourning is no longer necessary and more subtle and less in-your-face forms of remembering are sufficient.

A big, loud, public wedding should be an indication that the couple no longer needs to indulge in those types of "memorials." So sorry, but you are not going to convince me that "the couple should remember their dead however they please at their wedding." There are a number of beautiful, subtle ways that the couple can remember their deceased loved ones at their wedding and that's what they should stick to, not turn the funeral into a memorial service for the dead.

bmydesigner

bmydesigner said:

Well, this is kind of a sensitive topic. And although I agree that yes, this is a public forum and anyone is allowed to give their opinion - subjects like this should be handled gracefully. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and I expect the same of you. I do not automatically think someone who has not been in that situation is insensitive to the subject. It all depends on how they handle the situation. In this case, I disagree with how you would handle this situation. Which is fine, life will always have its disagreements. I just wanted to try to point out to you that sometimes, in certain special cases like this, it is more important to keep in mind of what the bride and groom want and not necessarily what the guests would want.

I disagree on the bolded. While a wedding does celebrate the union of the bride and groom, guests should always be considered and treated with respect. If the bride or groom wants to remember a family member or important person who has passed, that is fine. However, they should be considerate of their guests' time and feelings-- many of their guests will also miss these people, and will want to grieve or remember in their own way. For example, surprising an uncle by leaving an empty chair for his deceased sister might cause him a world of heartache that he wasn't expecting on a day he should be celebrating the new happy life of the bride and groom.

TL;DR version: The feelings of your guests should definitely be taken into account while planning to honor someone at your wedding.

Well like I had said before, I do agree that it is important to check with the family members as well. Those aren't the guests I'm talking about here. I was talking about a guest beyond the family members being offended at how the lost loved one was remembered, and that's what I don't agree with. I also do agree that in most cases the guests should always be considered and respected, but this one I do think the concerns of the bride and groom are slightly more important, being that they are the ones grieving and going through a hard time.

Jen4948

Weddings require a lot of balance. Nobody-not even me-has said that the deceased should not be remembered at all.

All those of us who have disagreed with you have said is that the couple owe a responsibility to everyone they invite to what should be a happy occasion not to make it overflow with grief for anyone or cause them discomfort. So we've suggested ideas on how to remember loved ones in ways that shouldn't do that because they don't call undue attention to the reason why those loved ones are no longer with us. It shouldn't be a power play of "we're the couple and we'll do whatever we please and too bad for everyone else." This is never appropriate-not even in cases of bereavement.

Since both weddings and memorials are for the living, not the deceased, and weddings are about life and not death, this is why we are advocating that "memorials" at weddings not be too heavy with reminders of death and what causes it. A tribute in a program or including a photo of a loved one in a group of family photos of both living and deceased loved ones shouldn't do that, but empty chairs with big photos or flowers can.

bmydesigner

@Jen4948 do you honestly think the pain of someone losing their close relative is less painful then a guest whom has no relation to that loved one seeing a couple memorial aspects for that loved one? No. It is NOT about the guest here. No matter how much time goes on, mourning is still going to occur. Especially if it's someone that typically would be at the wedding. Such as mother, father, sister, brother, etc. These people are not expected to be lost before the bride and groom get married, and it is a very tragic situation. Although the bride and groom are going to still be very happy on their wedding day, it will also make them happy to remember their loved ones life at the wedding. However they do this is completely up to them, because once again, they are the ones grieving. I agree completely that they should take into consideration other family members input - but on one else should have any say in this matter at all. Now I am not saying that the wedding is going to be a funeral service. Things such as an empty seat, moments of silence, remembrance videos, or whatever the bride and groom decide to do, does not make the wedding a funeral service. There's still going to be a ceremony isn't there? There's still going to be vows, ceremony, reception, food, cake / deserts, dancing, entertainment. ALL of these aspects do in fact make it a wedding. Just because one of the grieving types above mentioned is added, does not make it a funeral service at all. There's still going to be a lot more happy aspects then there are sad. I'm sorry your bf's father is deceased. Whenever you two decide to get married, you need to ultimately let him and his family decide how they would like to remember his father. I'm sorry, I don't know him or his family, but I highly doubt they are going to care if you think what they want to do is not appropriate for the wedding. In fact, they might actually be pretty offended. Just a fair warning there.

Jen4948

bmydesigner said:

@Jen4948 do you honestly think the pain of someone losing their close relative is less painful then a guest whom has no relation to that loved one seeing a couple memorial aspects for that loved one? No. It is NOT about the guest here. No matter how much time goes on, mourning is still going to occur. Especially if it's someone that typically would be at the wedding. Such as mother, father, sister, brother, etc. These people are not expected to be lost before the bride and groom get married, and it is a very tragic situation. Although the bride and groom are going to still be very happy on their wedding day, it will also make them happy to remember their loved ones life at the wedding. However they do this is completely up to them, because once again, they are the ones grieving. I agree completely that they should take into consideration other family members input - but on one else should have any say in this matter at all. Now I am not saying that the wedding is going to be a funeral service. Things such as an empty seat, moments of silence, remembrance videos, or whatever the bride and groom decide to do, does not make the wedding a funeral service. There's still going to be a ceremony isn't there? There's still going to be vows, ceremony, reception, food, cake / deserts, dancing, entertainment. ALL of these aspects do in fact make it a wedding. Just because one of the grieving types above mentioned is added, does not make it a funeral service at all. There's still going to be a lot more happy aspects then there are sad. I'm sorry your bf's father is deceased. Whenever you two decide to get married, you need to ultimately let him and his family decide how they would like to remember his father. I'm sorry, I don't know him or his family, but I highly doubt they are going to care if you think what they want to do is not appropriate for the wedding. In fact, they might actually be pretty offended. Just a fair warning there.

@bnydesigner, please stop arguing this with me.  I disagree with your view that it's all about the couple and their need to grieve.  As I said, you are not going to convince me that it is ever all about the couple and never about the guests.

Inkdancer

I can only agree with @Jen4948

This is the etiquette board, where we tell brides all the time that "what I want on my day" comes second to considering your guests.

moosette113

I have to back up @Jen4948 on this one. My grandmother, who I saw essentially every day for the 24 years leading up to my wedding, was hospitalized 2 weeks before my wedding. The Friday before my wedding, it was clear she had a couple of weeks left, at best, so we canceled our rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon and seriously considered postponing the wedding. She was devastated to hear we had changed any of our wedding weekend plans, so everyone in the family decided it would be best to hold the ceremony and reception as planned. All I wanted to do was be with my grandmother in her last few days, but she wanted to see us get married, so we went through with everything and skyped the ceremony to her. 

It was one of the saddest days of my life, but you know what we didn't do? Tell our guests about it. We put on a big happy face and acted as gracious hosts. We didn't have a moment for prayers or anything like that because the wedding would have immediately turned into a pre-wake. The few people who did know about the situation behaved very differently than our guests who were blissfully unaware. 

What we DID do was privately see my grandmother after the wedding while we were still all dressed up. So my now husband and I were able to get what WE needed from the day, without dragging our guests down with us. She died exactly a week after the wedding. Most of my guests tell us how wonderful and fun our wedding was- those that knew keep asking how I got through that day. I know my experience might have been more extreme than losing a loved one 5 year ago and leaving a seat open, but we saw first hand how exposing some of our guests to our grief had an impact on the wedding as a whole.

ahende04

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Jen4948

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Inkdancer

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

bmydesigner

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

I am sure the girl has enough common sense to ask her mother how she feels about it. Let her do what she wants.

I'll stop arguing with you @jen4948 because you're not going to convince me that in this one case it's not about the guests. I just hope that when you look back at your wedding day, YOU were truly happy with all of your decisions and did not have to sacrifice anything you really wanted to do in order to make the guests happy.

aurorajanette

bmydesigner said:

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

I am sure the girl has enough common sense to ask her mother how she feels about it. Let her do what she wants.

I'll stop arguing with you @jen4948 because you're not going to convince me that in this one case it's not about the guests. I just hope that when you look back at your wedding day, YOU were truly happy with all of your decisions and did not have to sacrifice anything you really wanted to do in order to make the guests happy.

Actually in this case it is about the guest: the mother, who is most likely grieving just as much if not more than the bride. Jen was pointing out that it would be best to check with her mother first. I know, in my case my mother would not want to sit next to an empty seat, she would want her family next to her supporting her.

You know, I work around death all the time, and everyone grieves differently. This is precisely the reason why it is inappropriate to draw so much attention to the passing of a loved one at an event such as a wedding. Other family members and family friends may become very upset by something that you are doing to honor your loved one. I see family arguments ensue all the time about what degree of mourning is displayed and at what times. I understand that you have the "It's my special day" attitude bmydesigner, but when other people you've invited are mourning, you need to think about the greater good. Keep it simple and subtle if you choose to recognize a death. Chances are, you've spoken with your immediate family, but you can't possibly account for every mourning person's emotions.

bmydesigner

bmydesigner said:

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

I am sure the girl has enough common sense to ask her mother how she feels about it. Let her do what she wants.

I'll stop arguing with you @jen4948 because you're not going to convince me that in this one case it's not about the guests. I just hope that when you look back at your wedding day, YOU were truly happy with all of your decisions and did not have to sacrifice anything you really wanted to do in order to make the guests happy.

Actually in this case it is about the guest: the mother, who is most likely grieving just as much if not more than the bride. Jen was pointing out that it would be best to check with her mother first. I know, in my case my mother would not want to sit next to an empty seat, she would want her family next to her supporting her.

You know, I work around death all the time, and everyone grieves differently. This is precisely the reason why it is inappropriate to draw so much attention to the passing of a loved one at an event such as a wedding. Other family members and family friends may become very upset by something that you are doing to honor your loved one. I see family arguments ensue all the time about what degree of mourning is displayed and at what times. I understand that you have the "It's my special day" attitude bmydesigner, but when other people you've invited are mourning, you need to think about the greater good. Keep it simple and subtle if you choose to recognize a death. Chances are, you've spoken with your immediate family, but you can't possibly account for every mourning person's emotions.

Do you see what I have bolded? Obviously I can not speak for her, but I did say that I am sure she checked with her mother about this. Never in this discussion, was I against going against the family's wishes. I am completely for talking to the family about it before the final decision is made. I'm well aware of the fact that everyone grieves differently. I've seen quite a few instances of death and grieving in my lifetime, so I am aware thank you. What my argument is, is this: saying that some random bride or groom's friend or co-worker may get offended if the bride and groom give their lost loved one a special moment that they may not agree with, is more important than the bride or groom who are the ones grieving. Nothing to do with the family, and the other ones grieving.

arrippa

bmydesigner said:

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

I am sure the girl has enough common sense to ask her mother how she feels about it. Let her do what she wants.

I'll stop arguing with you @jen4948 because you're not going to convince me that in this one case it's not about the guests. I just hope that when you look back at your wedding day, YOU were truly happy with all of your decisions and did not have to sacrifice anything you really wanted to do in order to make the guests happy.

You'd be surprise with the lack of common sense found on this board. I, for one, would never assume that the OP would talk to her mom. It's always good to point out that not everyone grieves the same and to make sure the mom would be okay with the flower on the empty seat.

aurorajanette

bmydesigner said:

bmydesigner said:

Jen4948 said:

ahende04 said:

I have lost my dad and my maternal Grandmother during my engagement (Dad in April, Grandma in November) For my Dad I will have my cousin sing a song called a dozen red roses and then I will lay a rose on a sear next to my mom when I come down the aisle. For my Grandma I will have a picture of her and my Pap (he died 13 years ago) and memorial candles. I will also play a song for my dad at the reception (My mom and I are dancing to dance with my father again). Although it may make people sad, I am sad that they can not physically be with me on my wedding day and I need time to have those emotions as well as other members of my family needing to remember them. I do not think this will down play the celebratory nature of the day nor will my wedding focus solely on their remembrance. I am happy with the balance!

Your mother may not want to sit next to an empty seat with a flower on it.

Agreed with Jen. Talk to your mom about this before you do it. It's going to be hard enough for her to be there without her husband, this might make it even harder on her.

I am sure the girl has enough common sense to ask her mother how she feels about it. Let her do what she wants.

I'll stop arguing with you @jen4948 because you're not going to convince me that in this one case it's not about the guests. I just hope that when you look back at your wedding day, YOU were truly happy with all of your decisions and did not have to sacrifice anything you really wanted to do in order to make the guests happy.

Actually in this case it is about the guest: the mother, who is most likely grieving just as much if not more than the bride. Jen was pointing out that it would be best to check with her mother first. I know, in my case my mother would not want to sit next to an empty seat, she would want her family next to her supporting her.

You know, I work around death all the time, and everyone grieves differently. This is precisely the reason why it is inappropriate to draw so much attention to the passing of a loved one at an event such as a wedding. Other family members and family friends may become very upset by something that you are doing to honor your loved one. I see family arguments ensue all the time about what degree of mourning is displayed and at what times. I understand that you have the "It's my special day" attitude bmydesigner, but when other people you've invited are mourning, you need to think about the greater good. Keep it simple and subtle if you choose to recognize a death. Chances are, you've spoken with your immediate family, but you can't possibly account for every mourning person's emotions.

Do you see what I have bolded? Obviously I can not speak for her, but I did say that I am sure she checked with her mother about this. Never in this discussion, was I against going against the family's wishes. I am completely for talking to the family about it before the final decision is made. I'm well aware of the fact that everyone grieves differently. I've seen quite a few instances of death and grieving in my lifetime, so I am aware thank you. What my argument is, is this: saying that some random bride or groom's friend or co-worker may get offended if the bride and groom give their lost loved one a special moment that they may not agree with, is more important than the bride or groom who are the ones grieving. Nothing to do with the family, and the other ones grieving.

The majority of people who have posted on this thread have commented that they feel that attention shouldn't be drawn to the passing due to other mourning family members and friends. I think only one person mentioned other guests that weren't mourning. If you invite people who are also in mourning, they are your guests. You keep commenting that it's not about the guests, it's all about the bride and groom. Get your story straight.

bmydesigner

My story is perfectly straight, you just obviously haven't bothered to read it all. I'm not talking about the family, although I am aware that the family are guests as well. But the bride and groom are more than likely going to have other guests beyond family / grieving family members. Those people, are not more important than what the bride and groom want. If you don't agree with that fine, but that is what my point is and I have not changed my story at all.

Jen4948

bmydesigner said:

My story is perfectly straight, you just obviously haven't bothered to read it all. I'm not talking about the family, although I am aware that the family are guests as well. But the bride and groom are more than likely going to have other guests beyond family / grieving family members. Those people, are not more important than what the bride and groom want. If you don't agree with that fine, but that is what my point is and I have not changed my story at all.

Yes, I did.  It's not up to you to decide what we read.

And sorry, but the needs of everyone, grieving or not, need to be taken into consideration in planning a wedding-not just the bride and groom.  The instant anyone else is involved, their needs count too.

Elopements are the only type of wedding in which the only persons whose needs and opinions count are the bride and groom.

delujm0

We are lighting a non-specific commemorative candle at the beginning of the ceremony...i really REALLY did not want to do it, but FI felt that it would please his mother, whose mother passed away (over 3 years ago) and his dad's brother, whose wife passed away last year.  We will also have rememberances mentioned in the program.

 

FI is basically letting me do whatever I want with the planning, so since he felt so strongly about including it, i compromised.  No specific person will be mentioned, the officiant will just mention "those that cannot be with us today" and we'll move on.  Members of FI's family aren't entirely thrilled that we're not doing this in a church, so hopefully this will at least make that up to them a little bit.  Anything more than that would make me uncomfortable.

 

I was at a wedding a few months ago where the bride's father was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty when she was a child.  She had an official police escort down the aisle (not sure the appropriate wording for this) and it made me so sad, even though it was completely appropriate given the circumstances. 

Jen4948

delujm0 said:

We are lighting a non-specific commemorative candle at the beginning of the ceremony...i really REALLY did not want to do it, but FI felt that it would please his mother, whose mother passed away (over 3 years ago) and his dad's brother, whose wife passed away last year.  We will also have rememberances mentioned in the program.

 

FI is basically letting me do whatever I want with the planning, so since he felt so strongly about including it, i compromised.  No specific person will be mentioned, the officiant will just mention "those that cannot be with us today" and we'll move on.  Members of FI's family aren't entirely thrilled that we're not doing this in a church, so hopefully this will at least make that up to them a little bit.  Anything more than that would make me uncomfortable.

 

I was at a wedding a few months ago where the bride's father was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty when she was a child.  She had an official police escort down the aisle (not sure the appropriate wording for this) and it made me so sad, even though it was completely appropriate given the circumstances. 

These are better. 

heathertims

My father lost one of his best friend's a few years back very suddenly. The Summer after, his oldest son got married, and my parents attended the wedding. They mentioned him in the program. He was also a pretty funny guy who liked a good drink, they put a great picture of him (i think it was from sometime in the 90s) at the bar. My dad said it was a bit emotional when he first saw it, but he quite liked the idea of having a drink with his old friend.