Sorry Kids Aren't invited

Jen4948

GrrArgh said:

Ultimately we can't control our guests only how we react to and host them

What you can control is whether or not you host them at all.  You are not required to host people who are not invited; you can tell the invited guests who bring them that they cannot be accommodated;  you can refuse to provide accommodation for those uninvited guests; and you can ignore the pouting, temper tantrums, threats, and entitled attitudes when you go back into the event without providing the accommodation for said uninvited guests.  By doing nothing and letting them come in and providing them with accommodation even though you don't want to, you are not controlling anything at all-you are allowing your lack of control to run the show.

GrrArgh

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

huskypuppy14

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

Exactly, so people who were rude to begin with are being rewarded, while the nice polite people are not. Kids are not required to be invited, just because their parents are. If people are going to be hurt and potentially ruin a friendship over special snowflake not being invited, than they are not worth being friends with.

I went to my cousins wedding a few years ago where my boyfriend at the time (now FI) was not invited. Granted we were only dating a couple months, so I was fine with not bringing him- but I would have preferred if he was invited. However, my sister was also not invited with her boyfriend, but she wrote him in on the RSVP card. No one ever said anything, and he went to the wedding. My mom thought it was rude of her to do that, and I thought, oh I should have wrote my BF on the RSVP card too, but I would never do that, because I think it's rude. Now, some may say, well the bride and groom should have invited my sisters boyfriend anyway, so 2 wrongs sort of made a right. I don't know where I'm going with this, but just trying to give another perspective of being the polite one, but getting the shaft.

manateehugger

Dictating a guest's dress is not trying to teach them proper etiquette . Telling guests your invitation wasn't meant for their children isn't trying to teach them proper etiquette either. It's literally saying - "I am not hosting your children, sorry."

It's your burden because you're the hostess. You take on the burden to say who is and who is not invited to an event you're hosting. 

PrettyGirlLost

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

Firecode and budget are also important.  FI and I are hosting our wedding ourselves and the venue has a max capacity of 200 people due to firecode.  Under no circumstances will we be going over that limit, and I will be happy to explain this to anyone who tries to add guests to RSVPs.

Also, we won't be going over budget for addons- sorry,  just not happening.

GrrArgh

PrettyGirlLost said:

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

Firecode and budget are also important.  FI and I are hosting our wedding ourselves and the venue has a max capacity of 200 people due to firecode.  Under no circumstances will we be going over that limit, and I will be happy to explain this to anyone who tries to add guests to RSVPs.

Also, we won't be going over budget for addons- sorry,  just not happening.


and if that were the case for us I would totally agree however the one hosting in this case is fine with incurring the extra it won't be taking us over budget or out of max capacity for the venue. I get really tired of people talking about people who don't adhere to etiquette not having any consequences they do have a consequence bad guess I don't get invited back and you're Nieve if you think word does not get around that you're the type of person who does not RSVP or brings extra uninvited guests or bringA their children uninvited. these are adults I don't have to punish them for their bad behavior. I'm not trying to educate them.

manateehugger

GrrArgh said:

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

Firecode and budget are also important.  FI and I are hosting our wedding ourselves and the venue has a max capacity of 200 people due to firecode.  Under no circumstances will we be going over that limit, and I will be happy to explain this to anyone who tries to add guests to RSVPs.

Also, we won't be going over budget for addons- sorry,  just not happening.

and if that were the case for us I would totally agree however the one hosting in this case is fine with incurring the extra it won't be taking us over budget or out of max capacity for the venue. I get really tired of people talking about people who don't adhere to etiquette not having any consequences they do have a consequence bad guess I don't get invited back and you're Nieve if you think word does not get around that you're the type of person who does not RSVP or brings extra uninvited guests or bringA their children uninvited. these are adults I don't have to punish them for their bad behavior. I'm not trying to educate them.

To the bolded - What? 

It's not "bad behavior." It's trying to invite someone who wasn't invited and had no requirement to be invited on your dime. No one is educating anyone. Again - you're simply saying, "I am not able to host your kids, sorry." The only lesson there is "your kids aren't invited."

Viczaesar

GrrArgh said:

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

Firecode and budget are also important.  FI and I are hosting our wedding ourselves and the venue has a max capacity of 200 people due to firecode.  Under no circumstances will we be going over that limit, and I will be happy to explain this to anyone who tries to add guests to RSVPs.

Also, we won't be going over budget for addons- sorry,  just not happening.

and if that were the case for us I would totally agree however the one hosting in this case is fine with incurring the extra it won't be taking us over budget or out of max capacity for the venue. I get really tired of people talking about people who don't adhere to etiquette not having any consequences they do have a consequence bad guess I don't get invited back and you're Nieve if you think word does not get around that you're the type of person who does not RSVP or brings extra uninvited guests or bringA their children uninvited. these are adults I don't have to punish them for their bad behavior. I'm not trying to educate them.

Who is Nieve?

GrrArgh

I'm at work typing on my cell. I'll rejoin the convo later when I'm not getting auto corrected to death.

NYCBruin

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

If someone would decide to not be my friend because I told them "I'm so sorry for the confusion, the invitation was just for you and so and so, we can't accommodate little Joey, I hope to still see you both there!" that's probably not a friendship worth keeping.

FWIW if I had kids who weren't invited and I found out all I had to do to bring them was rudely RSVP with them (because someone else opened their big mouth), I would be LIVID!

Sharpschruter22

As another poster said, we did the "Blank seats are reserved in your honor". I only had one issue with my husband's second cousin who wrote in on her RSVP card, "We are a family of five." Wow, right? My husband was so mad he called her and had her apologize to me for her passive aggressive behavior. I told her that if we had invited kids, we would have an additional 40 guests when our cap was 75. I'm not knocking out my already small list of friends and family for your three kids and it's our wedding! We control the guest list. I didn't say it at all like that but I wanted to.

Other than that, no problems and no kids!!! (except our ring bearer and flower girl.)

lc07

I think the problem with "2 seats are reserved in your honor" is that if one of the adults cannot attend the remaining parent may think they can bring a child in that person's place.

Jen4948

lc07 said:

I think the problem with "2 seats are reserved in your honor" is that if one of the adults cannot attend the remaining parent may think they can bring a child in that person's place.

Or they may think they can bring someone else.

Okay, everyone: Invitations are only for the people listed on the envelope, and if one or more can't make it, their invitations are not transferable to anyone else.  It doesn't matter whether or not the hosts budgeted for those extra people or have the space or resources to entertain them-those invitations are not transferable to anyone else.

Justus2Plus2

I have sent out invites that say on them "Mr and Mrs Doe" and then also say, we have reserved you 2 seats, that way they know there are only 2 seats, thats it. It is clear and doesn't leave any room for the uncomfortable conversation.

luckylibra86

We are adding on the RSVP that this is a ADULT only reception..;.that way they should know that kids are not allowed. Once you say "adult only" reception it should be clear.

Jen4948

luckylibra86 said:

We are adding on the RSVP that this is a ADULT only reception..;.that way they should know that kids are not allowed. Once you say "adult only" reception it should be clear.

This is not polite.  It is rude to indicate on an invitation who is not invited.

JoanE2012

luckylibra86 said:

We are adding on the RSVP that this is a ADULT only reception..;.that way they should know that kids are not allowed. Once you say "adult only" reception it should be clear.

No, it should be clear by the names that are written on the invitations. 

CrazyCatLady3

Sharpschruter22 said:

As another poster said, we did the "Blank seats are reserved in your honor". I only had one issue with my husband's second cousin who wrote in on her RSVP card, "We are a family of five." Wow, right? My husband was so mad he called her and had her apologize to me for her passive aggressive behavior. I told her that if we had invited kids, we would have an additional 40 guests when our cap was 75. I'm not knocking out my already small list of friends and family for your three kids and it's our wedding! We control the guest list. I didn't say it at all like that but I wanted to. Other than that, no problems and no kids!!! (except our ring bearer and flower girl.)

That's so annoying.  People need to learn that not everything is a full family function and some events are just for invited adults.

Lily9911

GrrArgh said:

GrrArgh said:

I would not put a dress code on an invitation as I would expect guests to be adult enough to know what to wear. Why, when it is no issue to us, would we start trying to teach the same adults etiquette? Why does it become the burden of the host to also play mommy to a group of adults? This is the option my mom has chosen, the extra doesn't bother her as she would rather put her attention to other more important things. But please free to hurt feelings and ruin friendships at your wedding if the principle of the matter is more important than your invited guests.

I legit had people ask me if my wedding would be gothic style clothing required since I'm Pagan.

Nope... nice shoes and a blazer will be perfectly fine thank you. 

Lily9911

I always thought that whatever you write on the envelope is who is invited to your wedding. If you have only one person on the envelope but the RSVP has the space for "and guest" then you can bring one other person.

I've never had an issue with people squeezing in their 5 children in the "and guest" space, but I can see a lot of other people have.... Why can't some parents just be ok with the fact that they can have a night off to get stupid and leave the kids home with a sitter.

lizzypoo96

I hope that by addressing the invites specifically to "Mr. and Mrs." and adding in the # of seats people will get the hint. As far as substituting people from the invites, I've been in a situation when I split from my SO before RSVPs were sent out. I called the bride and she told me to bring a female friend in his place.

Regardless, if you make an exception to the children rule, you have to be consistent. You can't include one coworker's kids and exclude another's. For example, the ONLY people under 18 at our wedding will be our nieces and nephew. Period.

My guests with young children are all stoked to get a babysitter and have an excuse for a rare, fun, "adult" night.

lyndausvi

Lily9911 said:

I always thought that whatever you write on the envelope is who is invited to your wedding. If you have only one person on the envelope but the RSVP has the space for "and guest" then you can bring one other person.

I've never had an issue with people squeezing in their 5 children in the "and guest" space, but I can see a lot of other people have.... Why can't some parents just be ok with the fact that they can have a night off to get stupid and leave the kids home with a sitter.

We didn't have issue either.    It surprised me how often this happens on TK.   My friends and family all understand the simple concept of who's ever name is on the envelope is the one invited.   Like when I got a shower invite addressed  "Lyndausvi" DH didn't assume he was also invited.

Both our social groups also assume kids are NOT invited unless otherwise noted.  Babysitters are not a taboo concept.  If anything they are welcomed.

jdluvr06

lyndausvi said:

Lily9911 said:

I always thought that whatever you write on the envelope is who is invited to your wedding. If you have only one person on the envelope but the RSVP has the space for "and guest" then you can bring one other person.

I've never had an issue with people squeezing in their 5 children in the "and guest" space, but I can see a lot of other people have.... Why can't some parents just be ok with the fact that they can have a night off to get stupid and leave the kids home with a sitter.

We didn't have issue either.    It surprised me how often this happens on TK.   My friends and family all understand the simple concept of who's ever name is on the envelope is the one invited.   Like when I got a shower invite addressed  "Lyndausvi" DH didn't assume he was also invited.

Both our social groups also assume kids are NOT invited unless otherwise noted.  Babysitters are not a taboo concept.  If anything they are welcomed.

I've never known anyone who has had issues like that. I've only been to one wedding where kids weren't invited so it might be a more common issue than I'm aware of.

NrossNYR

I am having this same issue.  I wrote "Adult Reception to follow" on the bottom of my invitation which is the best way to blatantly scream out "NO, YOU CAN'T BRING YOUR 2 YEAR OLD"

I have tons of 2-3 year olds in my family and will only allow my one nephew, the ring bearer to the reception.

My soon to be mother-in-law (or, Monster-in-law) is all upset because she has a cousin with a 3 year old daughter and stomped her feet and said she wont come if she can't being her daughter... BEFORE THE INVITES WERE SENT OUT!!!  I said that I don't care and will not make any exceptions.  As a bride, you must pick and choose your battles and I, for one, think that this is something worth standing up to.  A wedding reception is no place for young children to run around, and when theres more than one, theres no stopping them.  If a parent is going to put up a fight about it, then maybe it's better that they just RSVP no.  Whether you, or your parents are paying for your wedding, its YOUR wedding and theres no reason to spend thousands upon thousands to have a bunch of kids screaming and breaking things, and have guests leave early because it's past their bed time.

huskypuppy14

lizzypoo96 said:

I hope that by addressing the invites specifically to "Mr. and Mrs." and adding in the # of seats people will get the hint. As far as substituting people from the invites, I've been in a situation when I split from my SO before RSVPs were sent out. I called the bride and she told me to bring a female friend in his place.

Regardless, if you make an exception to the children rule, you have to be consistent. You can't include one coworker's kids and exclude another's. For example, the ONLY people under 18 at our wedding will be our nieces and nephew. Period.

My guests with young children are all stoked to get a babysitter and have an excuse for a rare, fun, "adult" night.

For exceptions to who you invited, I think this can be a case by case basis.  Your good friend at work just had a baby, and you want her to be able to come- sure let her bring her baby. Your other co worker wants to bring her 12 year old daughter that you don't even know- nope sorry. 

However, you are allowed to invite whatever children you want, just like adults. There is no all or none rule with children.

Jen4948

NrossNYR said:

I am having this same issue.  I wrote "Adult Reception to follow" on the bottom of my invitation which is the best way to blatantly scream out "NO, YOU CAN'T BRING YOUR 2 YEAR OLD"

I have tons of 2-3 year olds in my family and will only allow my one nephew, the ring bearer to the reception.

My soon to be mother-in-law (or, Monster-in-law) is all upset because she has a cousin with a 3 year old daughter and stomped her feet and said she wont come if she can't being her daughter... BEFORE THE INVITES WERE SENT OUT!!!  I said that I don't care and will not make any exceptions.  As a bride, you must pick and choose your battles and I, for one, think that this is something worth standing up to.  A wedding reception is no place for young children to run around, and when theres more than one, theres no stopping them.  If a parent is going to put up a fight about it, then maybe it's better that they just RSVP no.  Whether you, or your parents are paying for your wedding, its YOUR wedding and theres no reason to spend thousands upon thousands to have a bunch of kids screaming and breaking things, and have guests leave early because it's past their bed time.

While I understand and sympathize with your desire to have a child-free wedding, the bolded is not polite.  It is never acceptable to indicate on an invitation who is not invited-not even children.  Had someone RSVPd for their children, you could have and in fact would have had to call them and clarify that the only persons invited were those whose names were listed on the envelope, which would not have included the children.

MKM2014

If you have a lot of family flying in from out of town, and your families indeed "expect" children to be invited, I would be clear about this well before invites are sent out (at least with the families that you believe this might be an issue for). For local families if you find out you can't bring your children 8 weeks ahead of time that's not a big deal. For out of town families it can be an issue since many people book travel well ahead of time and it would be particularly frustrating if guests booked flights for a family of 5 only to find out they will be losing money on 3 tickets. I don't have children, but if I did I'd check with the bride before booking flights, as I think most people would. HOWEVER if inviting children is the norm for your family and you are changing it your guests may make assumptions, and I would not wait on the invites to get the word out  (unless of course all of your guests with children are within driving distance).

bianchis1

On the invite rsvps, say how many seats you have reserved for that family. Something like "There are 2 seats reserved for you". And then put "We accept ___ seats" so they can fill in the number of seats they would like. 

kgd7357

AMattina said:

I'm currently debating what to do about my youngest cousin. My fiancé and I want to keep the wedding adults only, and all of our first cousins are 18+ except for one, who is 7. I'm torn about whether to invite her based on how close she is on the family tree (we're not close personally; we've only spoken 3 or 4 times), or let her be the only cousin left out because of her age. I know I'll catch a lot of flak about it, so maybe that's why I'm waffling. 

We have a similar issue. We have one 7 year old first cousin. The next youngest is his 13 y/o brother, and most of the rest are 16+. In my family 13 and up is considered adult enough to go to weddings. We talked to his parents and they said they would like to bring him since they are making this a family vacation. They assured me he is well behaved and they and his siblings would make sure of it. I would talk to the parents and see what they think. I was not about to ruffle feathers over this.

luckypri83

Lol I love this comment! I have an extremely large family, and it seems like everyone has children. I don't want small children at the ceremony, but I don't mind kids being at the reception per say. I just don't want children taking over everything. However, I was curious If you think its rude for me to ask guest that have children to pay for their children's plate at the reception? I know that babies and toddlers don't count, and I'm waiting to get more information about children plates for the reception.