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Wedding Party

Should I pay for an ex bridesmaids, dress?

SES2014BrideSES2014Bride member
10 Comments
edited December 2013 in Wedding Party
To cut the story short, I am no longer friends with an ex bridesmaid. I didn't want to cut her out but after very hurtful things her and her mom said to me, I decided that there was no way in heck that I wanted someone like her in my wedding. She's 5 years younger than me (18) so I am going to blame it on rudeness and immaturity at this point. When we went BM dress shopping, she paid for her 200 dollar dress herself. Months later, here we are, she's not in my wedding anymore. I didn't want it to come to that but she was one of the meanest people I have ever come across in my life and I had no choice. Now, my mom is saying I need to give her money for her dress. Is that fair? I own up to my faults but she was a flat out terrible person to me so why should I pay her for the dress? Would you? 
Her being my 19 year old brothers gf isn't helping any of this. I have always been respectful to her and will continue to do so (especially for my brothers sake) but I just don't see how I should have to pay her for the dress when she is the one who said such horrible things to me and also let her mom (who doesn't know me) say horrible things as well. It was a bad situation. It was the most drama I have ever been in. I was being the adult in the situation, because not only should I be because of my age but because I was taught to! I couldn't believe the level she went down to after all that I have done for her.
My brother has asked me to try to be friends with her again and I just can't. I have forgiven friends in the past but she is not one I want in my life as a friend, ever. 
Should I buy her dress back?
I am not trying to be rude or selfish but to me, I don't think I should have to. I am still hurt by it and just want to move on. I need advice. 

«13

Re: Should I pay for an ex bridesmaids, dress?

  • If she had removed herself from your wedding party, then you would have no reason to pay for her dress. But since you made the choice to remove her from the wedding party, it is reasonable to expect you to reimburse her for the dress.
    melbelleupjenniferurs
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and your friend, but you owe her $200.
    melbelleupjenniferurs
  • Of course you should pay for the dress.  You told her to buy a dress for your wedding and then you told her she wasn't in the wedding anymore.  Why would she pay for it?
    JoanE2012doeydomelbelleupjenniferurs
  • Should I wait until the dress comes in or give it to her now? The bridal store said she has to give them proof that I have full right to the dress. She hasn't done that yet although I have told her. The dress doesn't come in for a few more weeks.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You kicked her out of the wedding, so you must pay her back for the dress.  I would exchange the money with her for the dress when the dress comes in.



    melbelleup
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    To cut the story short, I am no longer friends with an ex bridesmaid. I didn't want to cut her out but after very hurtful things her and her mom said to me, I decided that there was no way in heck that I wanted someone like her in my wedding. She's 5 years younger than me (18) so I am going to blame it on rudeness and immaturity at this point. When we went BM dress shopping, she paid for her 200 dollar dress herself. Months later, here we are, she's not in my wedding anymore. I didn't want it to come to that but she was one of the meanest people I have ever come across in my life and I had no choice. Now, my mom is saying I need to give her money for her dress. Is that fair? I own up to my faults but she was a flat out terrible person to me so why should I pay her for the dress? Would you? 
    Her being my 19 year old brothers gf isn't helping any of this. I have always been respectful to her and will continue to do so (especially for my brothers sake) but I just don't see how I should have to pay her for the dress when she is the one who said such horrible things to me and also let her mom (who doesn't know me) say horrible things as well. It was a bad situation. It was the most drama I have ever been in. I was being the adult in the situation, because not only should I be because of my age but because I was taught to! I couldn't believe the level she went down to after all that I have done for her.
    My brother has asked me to try to be friends with her again and I just can't. I have forgiven friends in the past but she is not one I want in my life as a friend, ever. 
    Should I buy her dress back?
    I am not trying to be rude or selfish but to me, I don't think I should have to. I am still hurt by it and just want to move on. I need advice. 





  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yes, you need to pay her for the dress since you kicked her out.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • You kicked her out, you pay for her dress.

    Also, if she's your brother's GF, and they end up married, expect a seriously difficult relationship with her going forward.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    doeydomelbelleup
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    You kicked her out, so you should pay for the dress. Is it possible to ask your perfectly reasonable mother to meet your brother's gf at the salon, with your cash payment in hand, so that she can sign the dress over to your mom? To be proactive, here, it would be very rude to ask anyone to step in as a replacement to the bm that you kicked out of the wedding party. 
                       
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Why did you delete?

    If you're embarrassed about your behavior, and I think you should be, you could try apologizing to your brother's girlfriend and ask her to rejoin the wedding party. 
                       
    [Deleted User]melbelleupBlue_BirdRebeccaB88
  • Sigh - you were quoted, so everyone can read what you wrote anyway. If your brother's girlfriend is going to be in your life for time to come, you might want to consider having an adult conversation with her about her comments. 

    And I agree with the others - you kicked her out, you need to figure out how to refund her. 
    image
    doeydo
  • I deleted it because so many of you take it farther than what it is. She simply said some things that are not forgivable. Big deal that I deleted it. I didn't want it to go this far. I told her I would pay for her dress but then she blocked me on facebook and her iphone because I told her it was inappropriate that she let her mom get involved and say more hurtful things. I also told her that I would  pay her but she has to get me proof of rights for the dress. You guys would never ever want someone like this to be apart of your most important day of  your life.  She is not a good person. Point blank. She kicked herself out of my wedding saying she doesn't need to be part of it so that is when I told her, I agree and can't see her being part of my day. 
    I am not embarrassed about my behavior because I have respected her and have been very kind to her during and after the fight. I am not the only one who was involved and they feel the same way about her. Re join the wedding party? I'm not going to say anymore specifics but why on earth would you want to have someone like that, be part of your day that you are going to remember when you're 90 years old? I cannot express anymore how terrible of a "friend" she was during the fight. Her and my brother went on a long break because he did not like how she treated me. I then told him that I want him happy and that no matter what, I was going to support who he dates. He won't even be at my wedding because he is in the military and in an elite group who just found out he is deploying. He also said to me that she doesn't belong to be in the wedding or even as a guest.  
    Should I wait until the dress comes in or give it to her now? The bridal store said she has to give them proof that I have full right to the dress. She hasn't done that yet although I have told her. The dress doesn't come in for a few more weeks.
    If you have not seen my previous comment because you are so wrapped up being rude,  you could have answered my questions. Where I basically said that I was going to pay her! 
    logana1
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Can't you just send her a check? That's what I would do. Forget about getting the dress picked up b/c what do you even need it for?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    If you kicked her out of the wedding party but she already purchased a BM dress, then yes I think you should reimburse her for the cost.
    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I deleted it because so many of you take it farther than what it is. She simply said some things that are not forgivable. Big deal that I deleted it. I didn't want it to go this far. I told her I would pay for her dress but then she blocked me on facebook and her iphone because I told her it was inappropriate that she let her mom get involved and say more hurtful things. I also told her that I would  pay her but she has to get me proof of rights for the dress. You guys would never ever want someone like this to be apart of your most important day of  your life.  She is not a good person. Point blank. She kicked herself out of my wedding saying she doesn't need to be part of it so that is when I told her, I agree and can't see her being part of my day. 
    I am not embarrassed about my behavior because I have respected her and have been very kind to her during and after the fight. I am not the only one who was involved and they feel the same way about her. Re join the wedding party? I'm not going to say anymore specifics but why on earth would you want to have someone like that, be part of your day that you are going to remember when you're 90 years old? I cannot express anymore how terrible of a "friend" she was during the fight. Her and my brother went on a long break because he did not like how she treated me. I then told him that I want him happy and that no matter what, I was going to support who he dates. He won't even be at my wedding because he is in the military and in an elite group who just found out he is deploying. He also said to me that she doesn't belong to be in the wedding or even as a guest.  
    Should I wait until the dress comes in or give it to her now? The bridal store said she has to give them proof that I have full right to the dress. She hasn't done that yet although I have told her. The dress doesn't come in for a few more weeks.
    If you have not seen my previous comment because you are so wrapped up being rude,  you could have answered my questions. Where I basically said that I was going to pay her! 
    You were given very good advice.  You just didn't like it.  It doesn't sound like you are very mature either.  Have your mom meet this girl at the bridal salon when the dress comes in.  Then have your mom give her the money for the dress and your mom takes the dress with her.  But Addie makes a good point, why do you need the dress anyway?  I hope you aren't planning to replace her in the BP, that's just terrible for whoever is the replacement.  

    Remember that this girl is your brother's gf.  She could very well be in your life for a very long time.  And if you continue to want your brother to be apart of your life, you need to be cordial to her.
    My guess is that she would make an attempt to re-sell it via Craig's list.  I'm wondering why the OP asked her to be a BM in the first place.
    doeydomelbelleup
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, you sound just as immature as your brother's girlfriend. Pay her for the dress. And take my advice - don't fight with your siblings' significant others.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just mail her the check.  Trying to get the "rights" to the dress to sell it on ebay is not worth the drama and hassle of meeting her and making the exchange, nor is it worth it to get your mother involved.

    This is your brother's significant other, and they are back together.  She's probably going to be in your life for a while.  You don't have to be best friends, but your life will be a lot easier if you start taking the high road.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Well I told her that I will happily send her a check to just move on. She blocked me on her iphone. I just can't win with her even though I keep trying to be civil. I was thinking about selling it but with the way she is acting, I no longer care. We were once really good friends. My brother broke up with her again this morning. He said he can't deal with her lies and craziness. He is in the military and I am glad because he doesn't need this while he is deployed. They were together for a year. I have done all in my power. Now I am just ready to move on. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Well I told her that I will happily send her a check to just move on. She blocked me on her iphone. I just can't win with her even though I keep trying to be civil. I was thinking about selling it but with the way she is acting, I no longer care. We were once really good friends. My brother broke up with her again this morning. He said he can't deal with her lies and craziness. He is in the military and I am glad because he doesn't need this while he is deployed. They were together for a year. I have done all in my power. Now I am just ready to move on. 
    Ditto Addie.  Just mail her a check and move on with your life.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • natswildnatswild The F-f-f-rozen N-n-north (Northern Alberta) member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    also, google is your friend.  Type in her name, and eventually you should be able to find her address.  This is what we did with my brother's ex when we needed to send some of her things, but she'd refused to give us an address.

    melbelleupMadHops21
  • Just send her the money and then you can move on.   She sounds like she's no prize but taking the high road will be a big help.   It sounds like her relationship with your brother is on and off so do not take a breakup this morning as something permanent. 
  • edited December 2013

    Well I told her that I will happily send her a check to just move on. She blocked me on her iphone. I just can't win with her even though I keep trying to be civil. I was thinking about selling it but with the way she is acting, I no longer care. We were once really good friends. My brother broke up with her again this morning. He said he can't deal with her lies and craziness. He is in the military and I am glad because he doesn't need this while he is deployed. They were together for a year. I have done all in my power. Now I am just ready to move on. 
    Well if everything is said and done.. why are you stressing about paying her back? I wouldn't worry about it.. she is out of your life, let her be. Has she asked for you to pay for it? I guess i just wouldn't worry about it. let her keep the damn dress.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • You kicked her out. You owe her the money. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Viczaesar said:

    Well I told her that I will happily send her a check to just move on. She blocked me on her iphone. I just can't win with her even though I keep trying to be civil. I was thinking about selling it but with the way she is acting, I no longer care. We were once really good friends. My brother broke up with her again this morning. He said he can't deal with her lies and craziness. He is in the military and I am glad because he doesn't need this while he is deployed. They were together for a year. I have done all in my power. Now I am just ready to move on. 
    Well if everything is said and done.. why are you stressing about paying her back? I wouldn't worry about it.. she is out of your life, let her be. Has she asked for you to pay for it? I guess i just wouldn't worry about it. let her keep the damn dress.
    Because it's the right thing to do.  How is that a difficult concept? 
    Alexandrathgr8 please stop giving bad advice! 

    Rebl90
  • I'm slightly confused. At first it seemed like you kicked her out, in which case unfortunately despite how awful she may be, you do owe her. But now it seems like you're saying she kicked herself out? If she willingly kicked herself out then I can see not paying her back, but other then that - you do owe her.
    aleighc3
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