Moms and Maids

Bridemaid drops out of wedding..4 months before wedding!

So due to switching jobs and medical issues, my bridesmaid dress shopping was put off until about a month ago (5 months before the wedding) I did mention to my four bridesmaids over the summer that we would be going in November and that I would certainly take into consideration their general financial situations. My four bridesmaids consist of my sister (MOH), a friend I have known 18 years, another I have known 17 years, and my fiance's cousin.

My sister, my friend of 18 years, and I went to two different shops to try on several dresses. My friend happens to be fairly large up top and has little to no hips/butt, so I wanted to find a dress that she would feel lovely in. After 4 hours, we found the perfect dress and it would look great on everyone and was priced at $166. Everything seemed perfect until three weeks goes by and my friend has still not gone for measurements or put her order in. Finally 2 weeks ago she tells me "I can't be in your wedding I can't afford it." So I tried to help her out by offering to put in the order for the dress and she can always pay me back at another time.  She continues to put me off and says "Just replace me then."  This coming from her, who just purchased a $600 camera and loves to go drinking on Friday and Saturday nights and spends money on other frivolous stuff. Finally she gave me a final answer of she just can't afford to be in my wedding.

Here are my two issues: First, my (old/ex) bridesmaid doesn't understand now why I am pissed at her. She thinks I should be okay w/everything.

My 2nd dilemma..I would like my wedding to look symmetrical (same amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen). I have two close friends at work; one I directly work with every day and another I talk to quite frequently. I have known the teacher I talk to frequently longer, but I have become better friends with the coworker I work with. How do I ask either of them? I don't want to offend them where they feel they were chosen 2nd, but I also feel bad choosing between one or the other.

So my two questions are: Do I have a right to be mad at the bridesmaid who dropped out of my wedding and how do I go about choosing a new bridesmaid w/out offending anyone, including the person I choose?

Re: Bridemaid drops out of wedding..4 months before wedding!

  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Well, you should have asked what their budgets were and not just have assumed what their "general financial situation" was. She was probably embarrassed to announce in front of everyone that she didn't have the money. She's allowed to prioritize her money how she wishes. If she'd rather spend money on herself than on a dress for you, so be it. It sounds like there's more going on between you two than just money; you might want to actually talk to her as a friend, not a bride. 

    Second, absolutely do not replace her. That's telling your other friend that she was a replaceable prop and the new friend that she was a tier two friend who has recently been promoted. How the heck is she supposed to feel honored or excited about that? You will offend them. 

    You don't need even sides. 

    ETA: To be fair, I do understand feeling irked or upset, but you need to get over that fast and realize you should have had a budget talk with her first.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I did know her budget ahead of time and she was perfectly fine w/the price of the dress and how the dress looked up until a few weeks ago and as I ALREADY posted I took into consideration every brides financial budgets (so please read what I post before you become nasty). While I did not admit it on here originally, she is also using her money to buy recreational drugs every week (she smokes a lot of weed), which just pissed me off that that was her main priority.  I just feel that having been friends w/her for 18 years and me bending over backwards to accommodate her budget and body type (AHEAD OF TIME), trying to make her feel beautiful (which she said she did in the dress), I have every right to be upset to an extent.


  • brita7869 said:
    I did know her budget ahead of time and she was perfectly fine w/the price of the dress and how the dress looked up until a few weeks ago and as I ALREADY posted I took into consideration every brides financial budgets (so please read what I post before you become nasty). While I did not admit it on here originally, she is also using her money to buy recreational drugs every week (she smokes a lot of weed), which just pissed me off that that was her main priority.  I just feel that having been friends w/her for 18 years and me bending over backwards to accommodate her budget and body type (AHEAD OF TIME), trying to make her feel beautiful (which she said she did in the dress), I have every right to be upset to an extent.



    image
  • You have two options.  You tell her you will pay for the dress so that she can be in the wedding.  Or you don't pay and she has taken herself out of the wedding, and you do not replace her.  I repeat, you DO NOT REPLACE HER.  I can understand that this changes your vision of the wedding, and that is hard, but the hurt feelings that will result from you getting a replacement BM, both coming from your friend and the "new" BM, will not be worth it for you.  Save yourself the stress and the strain on your relationships. 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    brita7869 said:

    So due to switching jobs and medical issues, my bridesmaid dress shopping was put off until about a month ago (5 months before the wedding) I did mention to my four bridesmaids over the summer that we would be going in November and that I would certainly take into consideration their general financial situations. My four bridesmaids consist of my sister (MOH), a friend I have known 18 years, another I have known 17 years, and my fiance's cousin.

    My sister, my friend of 18 years, and I went to two different shops to try on several dresses. My friend happens to be fairly large up top and has little to no hips/butt, so I wanted to find a dress that she would feel lovely in. After 4 hours, we found the perfect dress and it would look great on everyone and was priced at $166. Everything seemed perfect until three weeks goes by and my friend has still not gone for measurements or put her order in. Finally 2 weeks ago she tells me "I can't be in your wedding I can't afford it." So I tried to help her out by offering to put in the order for the dress and she can always pay me back at another time.  She continues to put me off and says "Just replace me then."  This coming from her, who just purchased a $600 camera and loves to go drinking on Friday and Saturday nights and spends money on other frivolous stuff. Finally she gave me a final answer of she just can't afford to be in my wedding.

    Here are my two issues: First, my (old/ex) bridesmaid doesn't understand now why I am pissed at her. She thinks I should be okay w/everything.

    My 2nd dilemma..I would like my wedding to look symmetrical (same amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen). I have two close friends at work; one I directly work with every day and another I talk to quite frequently. I have known the teacher I talk to frequently longer, but I have become better friends with the coworker I work with. How do I ask either of them? I don't want to offend them where they feel they were chosen 2nd, but I also feel bad choosing between one or the other.

    So my two questions are: Do I have a right to be mad at the bridesmaid who dropped out of my wedding and how do I go about choosing a new bridesmaid w/out offending anyone, including the person I choose?

    Please be MUD. Please be MUD. Please be MUD.
  • You have a right to be mad- but don't let it ruin the friendship. I'm sorry to hear this is your issue right now. Luckily- you have time! When picking a coworker, sounds like the one you haven't known as long would be your top pick since you seem to like spending time with her more. I don't know how to ask her. Good luck.
  • You don't have the right to be mad. If she says she can't afford it, she can't afford it. You don't get to judge how she chooses to spend her money.

    And honestly, the uneven sides is not a big deal at all. Don't replace her. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • "I would like my wedding to look symmetrical"

     

    =

     

    My pictures are more important than my friends, and i am treating my bridal party as props.

     

    Fail.

    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88buddysmom80
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    brita7869 said:

    Here are my two issues: First, my (old/ex) bridesmaid doesn't understand now why I am pissed at her. She thinks I should be okay w/everything.  I agree with your friend.  It's a bummer she can't be in your wedding, but why would you be pissed at her?

    My 2nd dilemma..I would like my wedding to look symmetrical (same amount of bridesmaids to groomsmen). Why?  Who cares what your freaking pictures look like as long as all your closest friends and family are with you in them?  I have two close friends at work; one I directly work with every day and another I talk to quite frequently. I have known the teacher I talk to frequently longer, but I have become better friends with the coworker I work with. How do I ask either of them?  You don't.  I don't want to offend them where they feel they were chosen 2nd, but I also feel bad choosing between one or the other.  They will feel like they were chosen 2nd because that is exactly what happened.  You don't ask ppl to be in your wedding party because you want even side or because of how much they can do for you during your planning.  You ask them to stand up with you because you greatly love them and value their friendship.

    So my two questions are: Do I have a right to be mad at the bridesmaid who dropped out of my wedding  Nope.  and how do I go about choosing a new bridesmaid w/out offending anyone, including the person I choose? You don't replace members of your wedding party when they drop out.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • clarke10 said:
    You don't have the right to be mad. If she says she can't afford it, she can't afford it. You don't get to judge how she chooses to spend her money.

    And honestly, the uneven sides is not a big deal at all. Don't replace her. 
    She can be disappointed. You don't have a right to tell her what she is feeling is wrong.
    applezing
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    clarke10 said:
    You don't have the right to be mad. If she says she can't afford it, she can't afford it. You don't get to judge how she chooses to spend her money.

    And honestly, the uneven sides is not a big deal at all. Don't replace her. 
    She can be disappointed. You don't have a right to tell her what she is feeling is wrong.
    Except for the bolded, I agree with you.  But yes, she does have the right to be mad, or to feel however she wants to feel. 
    applezing
  • I would offer to just buy the dress for her. I'm buying one of my BM's dresses. It's my FI's sister and she is the only one in college with no income. The other girls (all 26 or 27) all have a much larger budget and steady jobs. It was an easy solution to allow for more options. The other girls don't even know that I bought the one.

    If you want even sides, you need to convince your friend to stay in the wedding, and this is the easiest way. If the cost of the dress is just an excuse and she really doesn't want to be in your wedding, then I would be pissed. She shouldn't have said yes in the first place. You could have then easily asked another girl. At this point you really can't.
    MairePoppy[Deleted User]
  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    stupid double post
  • I was replaced in a wedding of a very close friend of mine. My dad was having medical issues at the time and my family need help with the costs, I chose to help my family out because that took priority. My friend did not offer to help buy my dress and did not act like i was irreplaceable. seeing as we were close that really hurt that I was replaced. especially without any means of a compromise. but i understand her side too. Be mad at your friend, get over it. Dont replace her, because the causes damage to the friendship, it is something she wont ever forget. try offering to help pay for the dress privately or just purchase it for her. make her feel like you really want her to be there. 

    I agree with all the above you should not judge her based on her spending habits the is her business alone. she is still your friend. 
    aurianna
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