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Talk me down

smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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edited December 2013 in Chit Chat

Alright, so I am perusing FB and I see my FMIL has commented on something in the side scroll bar thing so I just peeked at it. Supposedly it was her birthday on Tuesday (first of all, this is news to me) and someone had wished her a happy birthday. She had commented back that she "had a fun day with friends and family"...well REALLY?!?! because your son didn't know anything about it. D didn't even CALL his mom ...Right now I am so hurt and pissed.. I feel like she doesn't consider us family..and now I don't really want to invite my own FMIL to our wedding. I know that sounds extreme...but from what D tells me she's never been the motherly sort...and my thoughts (could be crazy thoughts right now) are that if she doesn't want to spend her birthday with us..why should we spend the money on her and invite her to the wedding. When she got remarried, D wasn't invited,but her H's kids were.

I told D that he can go celebrate Christmas with them (which was planned for after the first of the year) alone.

 

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Re: Talk me down

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    aefitz29 said:

    smalfrie19 said:

    Alright, so I am perusing FB and I see my FMIL has commented on something in the side scroll bar thing so I just peeked at it. Supposedly it was her birthday on Tuesday (first of all, this is news to me) and someone had wished her a happy birthday. She had commented back that she "had a fun day with friends and family"...well REALLY?!?! because your son didn't know anything about it. D didn't even CALL his mom ...Right now I am so hurt and pissed.. I feel like she doesn't consider us family..and now I don't really want to invite my own FMIL to our wedding. I know that sounds extreme...but from what D tells me she's never been the motherly sort...and my thoughts (could be crazy thoughts right now) are that if she doesn't want to spend her birthday with us..why should we spend the money on her and invite her to the wedding. When she got remarried, D wasn't invited,but her H's kids were.

    I told D that he can go celebrate Christmas with them (which was planned for after the first of the year) alone.

     

    Did he forget her birthday? I feel like it's kind of his responsibility to tell you her birthday and then get the plans for you guys. If he forgot it was her birthday and didn't contact her then that is kind of his fault isn't it?

    Nope, he said he has never known when her birthday is...I am just so baffled..this is NOT how we are in my family and its not how I was raised.
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    I have no clue.. but what hurts me most was her comment about spending it with family...I was like really..because your kids are family...maybe I am just being over emotional about it...but I just..im upset...
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  • afox007afox007 member
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    If he didn't bother to call to say happy birthday it isn't her fault that the two of weren't included. And she said she  "had a fun day with friends and family" she didn't say she had a fun day with ALL her friend and family or closest friends and family. I've posted on FB that I had a great night with the girls and no one got butt hurt that since they weren't there I clearly couldn't have been out with the girls. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Wait, she got remarried and didn't invite her son?
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  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
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    edited December 2013
    smalfrie19 said:
    I have no clue.. but what hurts me most was her comment about spending it with family...I was like really..because your kids are family...maybe I am just being over emotional about it...but I just..im upset...
    Well she didn't say her whole family did she? If she just said family it could mean just part of the family.

    I would be more upset at my FI. He would be the one who didn't tell you when his mother's birthday was or find out about plans that included his side of the family. I don't really think it's anything to get excessively upset about.

    I just think your FI may need to keep track of dates like those so you don't miss them as a couple. I mean she's had a birthday for as long as he has been alive...
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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear member
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    Is there a chance that she could have felt equally hurt that D didn't remember her birthday?  I kinda get where you're coming from, but it's not really your FMIL's job to go around reminding everyone it's her birthday, so it isn't her fault you didn't know.  Maybe you're not close enough to her to know, but it seems like D should have known it was her birthday.  That might be why you guys were left out, she might have gotten upset that D didn't even call and spent her birthday with other family members.  Now I don't know the whole dynamic of your relationship with your FMIL and D's relationship with his mom, but before you get too angry try to take into account how she feels too before you do anything rash.  
    I know if I were on the receiving end (And again, I don't know the full story so what I'm describing might not really match up) and someone forgot my birthday, then got so mad at me for not being included in my birthday plans that they didn't invite me to their wedding, that would upset me and cause a lot of friction in our relationship.  I think before you do ANYTHING you should wait until you calm down a bit, then decide from a less angry point-of-view what you want to do.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    edited December 2013
    smalfrie19 said:
    I have no clue.. but what hurts me most was her comment about spending it with family...I was like really..because your kids are family...maybe I am just being over emotional about it...but I just..im upset...
    What was she supposed to say? I have a great time with these specific family members and friends? I think you are reading too much into a facebook comment.


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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    I have no clue.. but what hurts me most was her comment about spending it with family...I was like really..because your kids are family...maybe I am just being over emotional about it...but I just..im upset...
    You're way over reacting.... Family can mean anything, her husband, her siblings, her mother/father, her husband's kids...

    and it's on your FI's head for forgetting her birthday. It's not her fault that you guys didn't know when it was.
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Wait, she got remarried and didn't invite her son?

    Yep... and you guys are right... I am overreacting. But l asked D..I was like why didn't you call your mom on Tuesday..and he was like..I had no idea.. I knew it was in Dec but we have never celebrated it ....I mean we saw her last weekend and she didn't say anything about making plans for her birthday or anything... its just weird to me...
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
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  • afox007afox007 member
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    aefitz29 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Wait, she got remarried and didn't invite her son?

    Yep... and you guys are right... I am overreacting. But l asked D..I was like why didn't you call your mom on Tuesday..and he was like..I had no idea.. I knew it was in Dec but we have never celebrated it ....I mean we saw her last weekend and she didn't say anything about making plans for her birthday or anything... its just weird to me...
    And in addition she shouldn't be making her own birthday party and then informing you. It's considered poor etiquette to throw yourself a party. The family should be throwing her the party, dinner, etc.

    If she did she's not alone my FMIL told us when we called her on her bday that we had to have a party for her I HAD to make a cake since I made one for FI and his son on their bdays. The day before this required party my friends sister passed away, the cake was baked but I made FI decorate it since I went straight to my friend. I still get shit for having better things to do than attend her party. 
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    aefitz29 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Wait, she got remarried and didn't invite her son?

    Yep... and you guys are right... I am overreacting. But l asked D..I was like why didn't you call your mom on Tuesday..and he was like..I had no idea.. I knew it was in Dec but we have never celebrated it ....I mean we saw her last weekend and she didn't say anything about making plans for her birthday or anything... its just weird to me...
    And in addition she shouldn't be making her own birthday party and then informing you. It's considered poor etiquette to throw yourself a party. The family should be throwing her the party, dinner, etc.


    You are right...there's a lot more to it.. but its irrelevant..she has ALWAYS been aloof and stand offish...like is stated..when she got remarried she didn't invite him or his sister but her H's kids were invited...I guess its just so foreign to the way I was raised...
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  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
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    edited December 2013


    If she did she's not alone my FMIL told us when we called her on her bday that we had to have a party for her I HAD to make a cake since I made one for FI and his son on their bdays. The day before this required party my friends sister passed away, the cake was baked but I made FI decorate it since I went straight to my friend. I still get shit for having better things to do than attend her party. 
    @afox007 - That is awful and I am so sorry for your loss.

    @smalfrie19 - Unfortunately that is a battle for your FI. He should be the one finding out these things and deciding on his mother's attendance to your wedding. That's crappy that she distances herself from her own children.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
    He never bothered to ask anyone?

    I mean, it sucks that no one invited you guys, but I think that if he's an adult, he should be able to figure it out and at least know when it is.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    edited December 2013
    dp
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    s-aries8990 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
    He never bothered to ask anyone?

    I mean, it sucks that no one invited you guys, but I think that if he's an adult, he should be able to figure it out and at least know when it is.

    I think that's part of what has me so irked as well..he didn't know..didn't bother to care..and didn't say anything ...and I think its WEIRD...and so I am kinda upset with him too...
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    s-aries8990 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
    He never bothered to ask anyone?

    I mean, it sucks that no one invited you guys, but I think that if he's an adult, he should be able to figure it out and at least know when it is.

    I think that's part of what has me so irked as well..he didn't know..didn't bother to care..and didn't say anything ...and I think its WEIRD...and so I am kinda upset with him too...
    If he didn't bother to care, you shouldn't really get too worked up over it.

    I think it's weird too, but every family is different.... I mean i don't talk to my dad or call him on his birthday, but I know when it is.

    Can you just put a card in the mail? Or buy a card or a token something for her and give it to her when you see her next? Just tell her you forgot to give it to her when you saw her last.

    AND, write it down for next year! :)
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    s-aries8990 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    s-aries8990 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
    He never bothered to ask anyone?

    I mean, it sucks that no one invited you guys, but I think that if he's an adult, he should be able to figure it out and at least know when it is.

    I think that's part of what has me so irked as well..he didn't know..didn't bother to care..and didn't say anything ...and I think its WEIRD...and so I am kinda upset with him too...
    If he didn't bother to care, you shouldn't really get too worked up over it.

    I think it's weird too, but every family is different.... I mean i don't talk to my dad or call him on his birthday, but I know when it is.

    Can you just put a card in the mail? Or buy a card or a token something for her and give it to her when you see her next? Just tell her you forgot to give it to her when you saw her last.

    AND, write it down for next year! :)
    I will..and I will pick up something now and take it with us when we celebrate Christmas after the first of the year...
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  • audubonbride2013audubonbride2013 member
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    s-aries8990 said:
    smalfrie19 said:
    He didn't forget...he has NEVER known when it is...
    He never bothered to ask anyone?

    I mean, it sucks that no one invited you guys, but I think that if he's an adult, he should be able to figure it out and at least know when it is.
    This.  I know I don't go around reminding people of my birthday.  If they forget it's NBD, but I probably wouldn't call them to celebrate with me.
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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
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    I agree with PP's who said it's not your FMIL's responsibility to remind her son of when her birthday is. I, too, find it really strange that he didn't know when his mom's birthday was for his entire life. 

    What about you, though? Did you never wonder at all when your FMIL's birthday is in the time you've been together?



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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    Swazzle said:
    I agree with PP's who said it's not your FMIL's responsibility to remind her son of when her birthday is. I, too, find it really strange that he didn't know when his mom's birthday was for his entire life. 

    What about you, though? Did you never wonder at all when your FMIL's birthday is in the time you've been together?

    You are right. I never questioned....idk why I overreacted...
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    scribe95 said:
    Your anger is completely misplaced. Your FI doesn't know his own mother's birthday? That is insane. And no way is the Mother at fault for his rudeness. If anything, he should call and apologize for missing her birthday, not considering not inviting her to wedding when she didn't do anything!
    I agree.. I overreacted...However, its not just the birthday..the birthday think is the tip of the iceberg..
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Your FMIL is a bitch. That happens. My husband's grandmother is a bitch, too. 

    It was on your FI to either find out when his mother's birthday is and call her, or not, depending on the relationship he wants to have with her. DH calls neither of his parents on their birthdays, despite their desire that he do so and his BSC grandmother's desire that he call his father (her son). He's determined what boundaries he is comfortable with and he sticks to those.

    If you think she is being inconsistent -- inviting her other kids to her wedding but not your FI, wanting to spend Christmas with you and FI but not reminding him about her birthday (and that is TOTALLY on him, btw) -- then he needs to have a conversation with her about what realistic expectations she has for a relationship with him and you, and what he's willing to give.

    It sounds like he's OK with the status quo, but you aren't -- and that's something you and he need to discuss as a couple and work on a solution going forward. 

    But just because HIS family is different than YOUR family doesn't make what they do or how they interact inherently wrong. It might not be how you were raised, but it is how he was raised, and he clearly turned out OK -- after all, you plan to marry him! 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I agree with PPs that this is an overreaction. I realize you're emotional about this because she used the words "with family" in her FB post and there's an underlying perception that she doesn't treat her son (your FI) as family. 

    Objectively though, she may have been with other family - her kids aren't her ONLY family. She probably has a husband, parents, siblings, cousins, etc. who she may have been with on her birthday. Her description may be 100% accurate. 

    And further, if my own son didn't even know when my birthday was (and obviously never cared enough to find out and pursue celebrating with me), I probably wouldn't go out of my way to include him in festivities. 

    I would let this go. If you want, send her a belated birthday card and let her know you'd love to celebrate with her next year.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
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    If she's on Facebook (which apparently she is), her birthday would pop up on his or your Facebook. So, yeah, I'm with PP. this is completely your FI's fault.
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    edited December 2013
    misshart00 said:
    If she's on Facebook (which apparently she is), her birthday would pop up on his or your Facebook. So, yeah, I'm with PP. this is completely your FI's fault.


    Actually she shares a FB with her Husband who's birthday I believe is the one used for the FB.

    ETA Not everyone uses their "real" birthday for FB

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