Wedding Woes

FMIL Response to Fiance telling his mom we're engaged

we were just engaged Dec 12th, a few days my fiance told his mom, just to let him know, he asked me to marry him and that we were engaged and we set a date for June 27, 2015. She said congrats, then right after that went into a TOTAL money discussion for 20 minutes. Starting and repeating over and over to him again, "make sure you don't spend too much, I just gone done paying for your sisters wedding (over 30,000) 2 years ago) He's the oldest child, and there is one younger sister between the three of them. She asked, well, her family is paying for all of it right? The brides family is supposed to pay for it." He told her (since she really hasn't gotten to know me yet) I only have 2 sisters. No relatives. Then goes to, well, make sure you don't spend too much. We can help a little, but not a lot. 
I already never really cared for his mom, he really doesn't either. I think it REALLY upsets him more than he says and shows that that's all she could stop talking about and how his mom just paid for an entire wedding for his sister, and isn't really willing to do much for him. 
We had been talking about getting engaged for months. We said when we did, WE were going to set a budget and guest list where WE could afford and pay for it ourselves.  We aren't and werent looking for help. She's sort of more on my bitter side because she reacted like that to him. He was just expressing happiness. She just thought "money" 
When we told his dad (his mom and dad were divorced and live a state away) we called them, they both spoke to us on speaker phone and were so excited, his dads wife said we will have to celebrate and "welcome to the family" to me" They came up this past weekend. It happened to be around dinner time so I made them dinner and some dessert.  They greeted us with gifts, we talked more, they were excited, my fiance told his dad what his mom had said, and his dad and step mom had such a disappointed look on their face, like a (that's so wrong/terrible) We explained we set a budget, we plan on paying for it ourselves, and his dad and step mom said they insist on helping with the costs of the wedding. It would make them very happy.
His moms reaction just makes us want to elope on a beach in Florida... Without her around.  Especially since my fiance and his father said they know when his sister gets married (shes not even engaged) her mom will likely pay they entire wedding bill.. Just a rant.

Re: FMIL Response to Fiance telling his mom we're engaged

  • No one is expected to pay the bill for your wedding other than you and FI.

    Anyone who does pay gets a say -- from the sound of it, neither you nor FI would really want his mother's input, so be glad you dodged that bullet.

    Good luck and happy planning!
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    CLI242009doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • From what you've posted already it definitely sounds like you don't want her to be the one who "pays, gets the say". I agree with HisGirl, you dodged a very annoying and excruciating bullet.

    Happy Planning!!!!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    MadHops21
  • I agree completely with both of you, when we started panning a budget, we also set a max. amount of people we were going to invite. We want closest friends and family. Then he brought up his may want to invite some of "her close friends" and want "this type of open bar" (top of shelf everything ect..) I told him this is OUR wedding we set a budget WE can plan on paying for ourselves. IF anyone chose to contribute thats fine, but never expect anything. Our guest list would exceed the amount of people  we wanted to invite, so if she wants to have them then he said he will explain it's coming out of her pocket or they aren't going to be invited. Honestly with her reaction to him just expressing his happiness and news, just going to money, I would rather NOT accept any help if she offers and not allow her friends to be invited at her cost. My fiance even said when we see her on Christmas if she brings up the whole "money" thing again, he will agree to a destination wedding that we had considered in Florida, just taking his kids, and mine, an let her know that the frustration he's caused her may be the reason why. 
  • Just a word of warning -- if you agree to let her invite extra guests with the expectation she will pay, GET THE MONEY UP FRONT. There are horror stories all over these forums of brides who did what you plan to do -- let their parents or FILs pay to invite extra guests -- and then they got stiffed by the parents and/or FILs, so they're left having invited these guests (or at least sent STDates, which they must then follow with an invite), that they cannot pay for, so they're forced to cut their budgets elsewhere.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLostMadHops21
  • Thank you! Will make sure I do just that!

  • Just a word of warning -- if you agree to let her invite extra guests with the expectation she will pay, GET THE MONEY UP FRONT. There are horror stories all over these forums of brides who did what you plan to do -- let their parents or FILs pay to invite extra guests -- and then they got stiffed by the parents and/or FILs, so they're left having invited these guests (or at least sent STDates, which they must then follow with an invite), that they cannot pay for, so they're forced to cut their budgets elsewhere.
    To piggy back HisGirl - I would suggest getting the names and count of how many people. Also be specific. Like if you give them 10, make sure to say if that does or doesn't include SO/+1s. Not saying that your in laws would stoop that low but you never know, right?

    Be firm too. You don't want your in laws to think that "oh she gave in to this, maybe she'll give in to this too" If you set that tone for them then it'll just get worse.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Stop, stop, stop.  Take a deep breath.  Now, as for the guest list, don't discuss it with her, as for the bar, don't discuss it with her. She has made her intentions clear.  FMIL wants to be treated as any other guest, who would not contribute to the wedding, therefore, you are under NO obligation to discuss anything with her.  If she starts making suggestions, FI is going to have to have a steel rod in his spine and shut down the conversation immediately.  The more she gets to express herself during planning, the more frustrated you will be.  Let her decide what she is wearing like any other guest.  If you feel she gets a "plus 1" then do so.  What we often forget is, if you give her a guest list of 10, the money increase is not just food. It's another centerpiece, may cause you to hire more waitstaff, and may increase the bar tab.  I would not even open myself up for any of it.
    OliveOilsMomhisnikkiePrettyGirlLost
  • thanks everyone!
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