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FMIL Annoyance - HELP!!!!

pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
edited December 2013 in Chit Chat
Okay so FI and I decided we were going to stay at home tn. He is really sick battling a bad cold and I am not in the mood to go out. So I told him that we would have a romantic evening at home with the kitties, and I would make us a fancy dinner, and get us these fancy chocolates we love - which he was on board with. So I trekked to the chocolate place on my lunch break, and he texted me asking for OJ and champagne. Okay, no prob, I was going to get some anyways. So he texts me a little while ago [about 15 minutes ago] "My mom was asking if she should come over." Now, yesterday she texted me saying "Please make chicken soup for my baby, he sounds like he has a really bad cold." Duh, I know this. Then, "I am going to call him when I get home." For a second time I'm assuming since she must have already spoken to him to know he sounds bad. So when he told me she asked if she "should" and not "could" come over that really put me over the edge.

So I need some advice. Am I wrong to be annoyed? She lives on her own, so I understand she may not want to be alone. But we have never spent NYE with her. We always go out and do something, this is just the first year [and we just got engaged in September and moved in this year might I add] that we will be spending it in our home together. She has a boyfriend, so I don't know why she is not spending this day with him. Also, his grandma has the family over, so she has the option to do that, which she does almost every year. So IDK if I am being unreasonable or not. BTW, he is her only child and she is very clingy. In college she used to call him multiple times a day. She still does. Or at least daily. When we were apartment hunting she came to see places with us almost every single time we went. So I just kinda feel smothered sometimes. I don't say anything I suck it up, but I feel like tn I just really wanted it to be about us. Plus, had we decided to go out, we would not have spent it with family. We would have gone to our friends party. So what do you guys think? Am I being an unreasonable brat? Or am I right in feeling that I just want my fiance and I to spend tonight together?

edit: grammar
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Re: FMIL Annoyance - HELP!!!!

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think your FI needs to put up some boundaries. I would be pissed. I would remind him that you planned a ROMANTIC night together and no you don't need his mommy to supervise.
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    MrsDeRuyter87EverAferdoeydomimiphin
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't think it is at all unreasonable. I would like to know why your fiance permitted her to go apartment hunting with you. He needs to cut the cord. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    RebeccaB88doeydo
  • My FMIL was very much like this in the beginning. She still gets like this from time to time but it's less now. It's the whole letting go thing. She is probably more emotional during the holidays and this could be affecting her. The more my FI assured her that he was doing ok and was really happy with me and our life the more she backed off. If I were you I would ask your FI to tell her that you already have plans just the two of you and that you are doing a great job of taking care of him while he is sick. The more she hears this kind of stuff the better she will get.
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
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    banana468 - LMAO. I think a huge part of it is a man cold especially since he was off yesterday, and worked from home today while I have been at the office both days.

    AddieL73 - This annoyed me SO much, because obv he was telling her about our plans. Supposedly she was also in the market for a place so that's why she wanted to come with. Ummm okay, well is she trying to be our neighbor?! 

    I just tend to feel both annoyed and kinda guilty when she does stuff like this. 
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  • Well he can include her in things because she is, after all, his mother but warn him to be careful. If boundaries aren't set you never know what you will get; like lets say she is feeling particularly lonely after your wedding and invites herself to the honeymoon LOL jk obviously but you never know.! ;)
  • AddieL73 said:
    I don't think it is at all unreasonable. I would like to know why your fiance permitted her to go apartment hunting with you. He needs to cut the cord. 


    I agree with this. While I think that it is completely unreasonable that she is coming apartment hunting with you and calls him multiple times per day, I don't think it's unreasonable that he would let her know about your plans. Could it be that she's lonely and wants to spend NY's with someone? Maybe it's just because I think NYE is overly hyped up, but I don't see the big deal in her coming over as long of it's okay with both of you (this is key). You'll have plenty of romantic evenings together, and plenty more New Year's celebrations in the future.

    I'm not saying that you have to let her come over. If you really don't want her that, make that clear to FI and have him fix it. I just don't think it's that unreasonable that this situation occurred.
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2013
    @mrsderuyter87 - Yes, I feel that it's fine to share things with his mother, and to include her in things. But, I feel that sometimes it's a bit much. I mean, being that she came to see so many apartments with us means that he obviously told her about each of our appointments. OH! And how about the cost of the wedding?! Apparently he told her how much we were looking to spend and she said we shouldn't spend that much money on a wedding and that we should buy a house with that money. First of all, I don't like telling anyone my business, especially when it comes to finances. And I HATE unsolicited advice, so I feel he includes her too much. And the honeymoon thing is my biggest nightmare lol....

    @hisgirlfriday13 - you're right I should have been firmer about the apartment thing. Don't even get me started on the kids - she keeps telling us that we need to "get rid of the cats" once the kids come. Another thing that pisses me off when people act like my cats are just things to get rid of. 

    @aurorajanette - IDK. Maybe if we had established this ahead of time I wouldn't feel that this is a big deal. After all, we have spent NYE with my family, his family, or our friends in the past. But to me, I make a bigger deal about NYE. I'm one of those persons that loves to celebrate holidays, and I love getting a kiss at midnight and all that jazz. So a few days ago I suggested the romantic night in, and asked him if this was what he wanted and he said yes. He never mentioned inviting his mom over, or having friends over, or wanting to go out -  he was fine with the plans. Even excited about the 2 steaks I got for us! So for him to be like well should my mom come? At 3PM -  It's kinda like the equivalent of inviting her out on our anniversary with us, if that makes any sense. 

    Edit: grammar
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    MrsDeRuyter87
  • Not unreasonable at all. I'd be saying, "No -- there's no need for your mother to come over. We agreed on a quiet night in, just the two of us, and since this is our first New Year's in our own place, and as an engaged couple, I'd like some alone time." It's completely within your rights to do so.

    Also, I agree with PP that FI needs to cut the cord -- ASAP. Make 2014 the year that you prepare to marry a man, not a mama's boy.


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    MrsDeRuyter87pinkcow13HisGirlFriday13doeydo
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Haha thanks @pumpkinsandturkeys - you're totally right. Well that will be one of my resolutions  - to put my foot down more often so that he can learn to set boundaries on his own.
    Thanks so much for the advice guys! So far things look good and I think I made my point across. Hope you all have a fabulous New Year :)
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    pumpkinsandturkeys
  • @pinkcow first I don't think it is unreasonable that you want to spend the night alone with your FI. Second why does FMIL think you have to get rid of your cats when you have kids? That would piss me off,
    doeydo
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @jdluvr06 - Thanks! And she hates cats. Okay, fine to each their own. But she also says that the cats will "scratch up the baby." Okay first of all she is not Jackson Galaxy [My Cat from Hell anyone?] to be an expert on kitty behavior. And she has never even owned a cat to make such an assumption!! My cats are my babies and they are family, and for someone to say something like that and act like they are just accessories I'll get rid of pisses me off. When [if] the time comes to have kids, I will certainly NOT be giving up the kitties, that's for sure.
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  • @pinkcow good for you. My kitties are my family too so I completely understand.
    pinkcow13
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs on you and your Fi setting boundaries and putting your feet down.  Also, I hate when people think pets are disposable.  If I ever had a baby, I would imagine my cat Maggie would watch from afar and run away from it if it tried to crawl/pet it but my other cat Cali would probably want to cuddle him/her.
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    aurorajanettepinkcow13[Deleted User]rajahmd
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    doeydo those GIF's warmed my heart!!
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    doeydo
  • pinkcow13 said:
    @jdluvr06 - Thanks! And she hates cats. Okay, fine to each their own. But she also says that the cats will "scratch up the baby." Okay first of all she is not Jackson Galaxy [My Cat from Hell anyone?] to be an expert on kitty behavior. And she has never even owned a cat to make such an assumption!! My cats are my babies and they are family, and for someone to say something like that and act like they are just accessories I'll get rid of pisses me off. When [if] the time comes to have kids, I will certainly NOT be giving up the kitties, that's for sure.
    If it was me I would buy a kitten for future 'baby pinkcow' after they are born. Then FMIL can watch them grow up together and remain in one happy loving piece.

    If someone told me I should get rid of my dogs if I have children, it would be hard for me not to show them what five fingers say to the face.

    pumpkinsandturkeys
  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    doeydo said:

    Ditto PPs on you and your Fi setting boundaries and putting your feet down.  Also, I hate when people think pets are disposable.  If I ever had a baby, I would imagine my cat Maggie would watch from afar and run away from it if it tried to crawl/pet it but my other cat Cali would probably want to cuddle him/her.
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    Quoting just because I want to see these gifts multiple times. Happy feels!

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    doeydo
  • I don't even like cats (please don't hate me; I'm a dog person is all. And I don't hate them, I just don't want one as a pet for me and DH), and I would NEVER, EVER, EVER tell someone they have to get rid of their kitten because they had a baby.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pumpkinsandturkeys
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    aefitz29HisGirlFriday13, yea not everyone is a cat person. But it is good to know that even with you not liking them you would not say such a thing. In fact when my cats were kittens I was telling my cousin how it was hard to sleep because of them and I was trying to find solutions to tire them out at night. She was like "You might have to give them away." WTF is wrong with people?! And she has a dog [or had... she hated the dog and I haven't heard anything about him lately]. 
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  • Hey, my family is dog people, and our dogs are like children. We baby them and spoil them and cuddle them and they sleep in bed with us and they get to sleep on the furniture and when someone suggested we'd have to get rid of our dog when my nephew was born, my father looked at them like they'd sprouted a second head and was like, "WTF?!"

    I may not like cats personally, but I can absolutely identify with the pets = members of family mentality and I endorse it entirely. 

    Also, I like to pet my friends' cats. I just don't want one as a pet personally. 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I love dogs, but they are too much work for us right now. I think I am still more of a cat person, though. I like how low maintenance and tender they are. But no matter what type of pet, I definitely feel that they are part of the family! I totally endorse that mentality as well.
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  • I'm not a dog or cat person. I'm a dog and cat person. Lol. I have 2 cats and a dog currently.
    HisGirlFriday13
  • I don't generally like cats A) because I'm allergic and B) because I'm just not a cat person -- I find them to be moody and unpredictable and weird, but I would still never advocate someone giving up their cats just because they're having a baby. I just put my dog down recently, and I know that if someone had told me that I couldn't keep her and have a baby (or now, get a new dog and then have a baby), I'd probably ask them what the hell they've been smoking, because that would never be an option.

    Pets (no matter what they are -- with the exception of the legitimately dangerous/illegal kind) are family to most people who have them. You wouldn't just give away an aunt because you have a new cousin, so why give away a pet for a baby?


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