Open Bar vs Cash Bar

lavenderfields13

If your in-laws are offering to pay for a full open bar I would take it. It's their money and it's not like you don't want to serve alcohol and they're making you.

Also- I'm with Jessica- I guess most parts of the country consider it rude to have a cash bar. Not where I'm from. I've been to ONE wedding that was an open bar and that was out of state. People would actually be shocked if someone in my circle had an open bar. So if it this norm in your area and social circle then it is not rude. I go to every wedding expecting to pay for my drinks and I don't have a problem with it- I would rather pay than not be able to drink if I choose.

NYCBruin

amandaj424 said:

Back to OP's original point, regardless of the appropriateness of cash bars, you cannot tell someone how to spend their money. If they want an open bar and are willing to pay for it, that is the only thing they are paying for. Don't tell them what you want because in this instance it doesn't matter what you want.  My parents are graciously paying for my entire wedding. I wanted the shrimp dish but my mom wanted the filet - the filet won because she was paying. That is how it works.  

On the open vs cash bar issue and in relation to what @PDKH was saying regarding liability.  My venue and many that I looked at will not allow an open bar for the entire length of the event. The bar must switch to cash for the last hour as a liability issue.  What they told me is that if a guest drinks too much and gets behind the wheel and gets into an accident (which yes most people drink responsibly, but lets be honest, there is always one or two that don't), the liability falls on the person who bought the last drink. So with an open bar that liability falls on you as the host, with a cash bar the liability falls on the venue which most likely has a 1mil or higher insurance policy.  Not sure if that is a law in my state or just the trend for venues in my state but that is the policy for quite a few of the venues.

Where do you live? I don't know of any state with this type of law. If any one is liable for someone else's irresponsible drinking it's the bartender (and often even the bar tender isn't liable) as they are responsible for gauging whether someone has had too much to drink (regardless if who is paying). This rule makes no sense and basically defeats the whole purpose of having bartenders from a public safety standpoint.

mrsbanany

I live in MA.  We were surprised when we learned that and if it's not the law it may just be the trend for the venues in the area (Cape Cod). I don't know, that was just the policy.  Also, when I talked to friends and family no one said they would be offended at a cash bar or an open bar for limited time. Also, no one said they had ever been to a wedding where the bar was open the entire time.  I don't know if that was on the part of the venue or the hosts. I guess it could be just the social circle or area of the country.  

NYCBruin

amandaj424 said:

I live in MA.  We were surprised when we learned that and if it's not the law it may just be the trend for the venues in the area (Cape Cod). I don't know, that was just the policy.  Also, when I talked to friends and family no one said they would be offended at a cash bar or an open bar for limited time. Also, no one said they had ever been to a wedding where the bar was open the entire time.  I don't know if that was on the part of the venue or the hosts. I guess it could be just the social circle or area of the country.  

The policy just doesn't make sense. Assuming everything they are saying is true, the people paying would be responsible if a guest got rip roaring drunk and left before the bar switched over to cash. Or happened to have just ordered a drink before it switched over and didn't finish it until the party ended.

Switching the bar situation is just confusing. I would be really confused and probably a little pissed if I went to order a refill at the end of the night and was handed a bill.

Cash bars are always rude. Even if they are only for a short period of time.

Jen4948

leese19 said:

If your in-laws are offering to pay for a full open bar I would take it. It's their money and it's not like you don't want to serve alcohol and they're making you.

Also- I'm with Jessica- I guess most parts of the country consider it rude to have a cash bar. Not where I'm from. I've been to ONE wedding that was an open bar and that was out of state. People would actually be shocked if someone in my circle had an open bar. So if it this norm in your area and social circle then it is not rude. I go to every wedding expecting to pay for my drinks and I don't have a problem with it- I would rather pay than not be able to drink if I choose.

To the bolded-it "being the norm" anywhere never make it polite anywhere.  It is always rude to expect guests to pay for alcohol simply because you don't want to pay for it.  You are not entitled to expect alcohol at all at a wedding-but if the hosts want to serve it, it's their job to pay for it-not the guests'.

kmmssg

Here in MI the bartender is held accountable.  This is why you don't just bring in alcohol and ask a friend to serve it!

Anyhoo - @amandaj424 - what the venues are saying makes no sense to me.  If someone gets rip roaring drunk prior to the last hour of your reception and leaves early - you are still liable under their scenario.  Changing it to cash for the last hour just covers anyone who wasn't already good an sloshed.  This makes no sense to me at all.

I would be interested to know the laws in your state on this.  If these venues have liquor licenses I just can't see how someone buying someone else a drink makes them liable.  The server/holder of the license should be liable.

JoanE2012

bridgtmcw said:

My FH and I like to drink socially, Inlaws like to drink alot, and my dad doesnt drink. My in laws want an open bar (that they are paying for), but do not want to help with food for reception. I want a cash bar with beer and wine included to save on money and to be able to help with food(which my fh and i have to fully cover). Our wedding size is 150 people.  Ideas?

Your inlawas said they'd pay for the open bar.  You cannot shift that money elsewhere.  If you planned the wedding you could afford, this shouldn't be a problem.

singinchick13

@amandaj424 thank you for your liability post. In my area this is a huge issue so much so that our preferred venue will likely not allow open bar at all as it is one of the most reputable event spaces in the city. Overservice is a major concern, so they include a drink for each guest at cocktail hour, 2 glasses of wine with dinner, and a glass of champagne for the toast (a total of 4 drinks per guest) with their package. Everything else is a cash bar so that alcohol consumption can be monitored closely by the bartenders. I would love to provide an open bar, but it is simply not an option (I'm from Canada as well so liquor service laws are a bit different here).

Maggie0829

singinchick13 said:

@amandaj424 thank you for your liability post. In my area this is a huge issue so much so that our preferred venue will likely not allow open bar at all as it is one of the most reputable event spaces in the city. Overservice is a major concern, so they include a drink for each guest at cocktail hour, 2 glasses of wine with dinner, and a glass of champagne for the toast (a total of 4 drinks per guest) with their package. Everything else is a cash bar so that alcohol consumption can be monitored closely by the bartenders. I would love to provide an open bar, but it is simply not an option (I'm from Canada as well so liquor service laws are a bit different here).

I know this is your venues policy but this just does not make sense.  Whether open or cash bartenders should be monitoring alcohol intake of all guests.  And even if it is a cash bar people can and will still get drunk.  Just go to a bar on a Friday or Saturday night and I am sure you will see many drunkards who all happily paid for their drinks.  Paying for drinks does not stop people from over drinking.

gm5

I've been to lots of wedding's in my life.  I can honestly say the only 2 that have stuck out in my mind (and these were years ago), are the ones where they had a cash bar.  I needed to bring money (in addition to my travel and gift expense) to drink at an event they invited me to?  Made zero sense then, and it makes zero sense now.  Do I remember what the bride was wearing, what she wore, what we ate... no.  I remember I had to pay to have a drink... which I didn't do by the way (and I like to drink).  This has been stated before, but bears repeating - please listen:  If you invite me to your home for dinner and when I get there you bring out wine and beer (or whatever floats your boat), offer it to me then tell me - oh!  that will $5 a drink please with a big smiley face... It's wrong on so many levels and if you care AT ALL about being a good hostess you won't do it.  Let the inlaws fund the cash bar and you serve what food you can afford for the crowd you are inviting.  Make that decision and move on.

comish32

If you want a majority of your guests to leave shortly after dinner......have a cash bar. Even beer and wine only will chase many of your guests. Always keep in mind the answer to one very simple question when making ANY reception decision: WILL MY GUESTS LIKE THIS? If the answer is "No" or "Not really" or "I don't know"......DON'T DO IT! You are throwing a "party" after all.

grumbledore

bridgtmcw said:

@jen4948 I am not looking to do a full cash bar ( but I see what you are saying). But wouldn't it make more sense to have FILs help with food rather than bar?

I'm not really sure how it's even a discussion - your OP says they want the open bar and they want to pay for it, therefore it's not really your decision. It doesn't sound like they said they would pay for something else in lieu of the open bar. Also, see the cash bars sticky on the Etiquette board. Guests don't pay for the reception - you do.

grumbledore

bridgtmcw said:

@jen4948 I am not looking to do a full cash bar ( but I see what you are saying). But wouldn't it make more sense to have FILs help with food rather than bar?

I'm not really sure how it's even a discussion - your OP says they want the open bar and they want to pay for it, therefore it's not really your decision. It doesn't sound like they said they would pay for something else in lieu of the open bar. Also, see the cash bars sticky on the Etiquette board. Guests don't pay for the reception - you do.

kleblanc&carlson

I haven't read thru this whole thing. but in MY opinon I think you need to do what you think is best. 

I find it odd that someone things its rude to have a cash bar.  Some people, like myself, are not fortunate enough to fund an opened bar...there for I need to have a cash bar. 

I NEVER expect a wedding to be opened bar when I go up,...my first drink I walk up with all cash in hand - unless I was personally told that its an opened bar.

My family also likes to drink a lot there for I thought it was in everyones best interest to moderate it by them having to pay.  Call it rude if you want but WE know our families limits

JoanE2012

kleblanc&carlson said:

I haven't read thru this whole thing. but in MY opinon I think you need to do what you think is best. 

I find it odd that someone things its rude to have a cash bar.  Some people, like myself, are not fortunate enough to fund an opened bar...there for I need to have a cash bar. 

I NEVER expect a wedding to be opened bar when I go up,...my first drink I walk up with all cash in hand - unless I was personally told that its an opened bar.

My family also likes to drink a lot there for I thought it was in everyones best interest to moderate it by them having to pay.  Call it rude if you want but WE know our families limits

Are you serious?  You are HOSTING a reception....which is a THANK YOU for your guests.  Is that your way of saying thank you.....by making your guests open their wallets to pay for drinks?

If you cannot afford to have an open bar, you have just wine and beer or you have a dry wedding!   Charging your guests is completely rude.

Gizmo813

I've been to a cash bar wedding. My friend got married last year, and was operating on a TINY budget ... I think it may have been 3k total. There weren't that many people there to begin with, and they cut costs in many, many other ways. The wedding was absolutely not what I would have wanted, but, as the bride's friend, I understood the dilemma, and quite frankly, the day wasn't in any way about me. They chose to have a cash bar (because I think they, too, wanted to enjoy a couple drinks with friends at their own wedding) and a small dinner buffet with limited choices.  Oh, AND I flew across the country to be there with her on her wedding day.

The cash bar didn't bother me one bit, because the bride was my friend, and I understood her circumstances. I was there to watch her get married, and honestly, that's all that was important. If you care about somebody, you want to be there to share their day with them, in whatever capacity that means.

I get the impression by reading these boards that a lot of posters are playing the role of entitled guests. "How dare the hosts of the wedding not cater to my every need and whim. As a guest I am entitled to certain things, and I frown upon situations that do not meet my expectations of what I should be given. All that matters is what is done for me, regardless of the cost involved."

Yes, it is important to consider your guests when planning a wedding. But, I feel badly for people who's supposed family and friends are less-than-supportive and judgmental in any way about the way they go about hosting their wedding. Who is anybody to judge? And if people are going to hold against you something as trivial as whether they, as guests, have to pay for a glass of wine, do those supposed loved ones really care about you as much as you think they do? 

It's an attitude of entitlement. And it's petty. 

Viczaesar

Gizmo813 said:

I've been to a cash bar wedding. My friend got married last year, and was operating on a TINY budget ... I think it may have been 3k total. There weren't that many people there to begin with, and they cut costs in many, many other ways. The wedding was absolutely not what I would have wanted, but, as the bride's friend, I understood the dilemma, and quite frankly, the day wasn't in any way about me. They chose to have a cash bar (because I think they, too, wanted to enjoy a couple drinks with friends at their own wedding) and a small dinner buffet with limited choices.  Oh, AND I flew across the country to be there with her on her wedding day.

The cash bar didn't bother me one bit, because the bride was my friend, and I understood her circumstances. I was there to watch her get married, and honestly, that's all that was important. If you care about somebody, you want to be there to share their day with them, in whatever capacity that means.

I get the impression by reading these boards that a lot of posters are playing the role of entitled guests. "How dare the hosts of the wedding not cater to my every need and whim. As a guest I am entitled to certain things, and I frown upon situations that do not meet my expectations of what I should be given. All that matters is what is done for me, regardless of the cost involved."

Yes, it is important to consider your guests when planning a wedding. But, I feel badly for people who's supposed family and friends are less-than-supportive and judgmental in any way about the way they go about hosting their wedding. Who is anybody to judge? And if people are going to hold against you something as trivial as whether they, as guests, have to pay for a glass of wine, do those supposed loved ones really care about you as much as you think they do? 

It's an attitude of entitlement. And it's petty. 

The fuck it is.  You want to know what's entitled?  Thinking that you're entitled to have food or drink at YOUR party that you're hosting for OTHER people and that you're entitled not to have to pay for it.  Shifting the costs of YOUR party onto other people is just fucking ridiculous.

lavenderfields13

I kind of have a question. A lot of people say if you can't do full open bar just do beer and wine, don't let your guests have the option to buy anything else. Great, but what about the people that don't like beer and wine? Now I have Bob and Joe at my wedding, getting to drink beer all night and Sue and Mary don't like beer or wine so they don't get to enjoy any drinks. In my mind that's kind of rude too. I kind of feel like it's all or nothing. And I'm sorry but if you're having an evening reception and your crowd enjoys drinking socially, a dry wedding is not the way to go.

I also keep seeing people say if you have a cash bar its because you're selfish and wanted to spend more on a fancy wedding dress instead of your guests. That is not necessarily true. Some people are trying to budget every aspect of their wedding and may not be having a cash bar just because they wanted a $3500 wedding gown.

I understand Gizmo's point of view. I know people are just trying to educate others on the proper etiquette but it does come off entitled with the "how dare they" attitude. 

JoanE2012

leese19 said:

I kind of have a question. A lot of people say if you can't do full open bar just do beer and wine, don't let your guests have the option to buy anything else. Great, but what about the people that don't like beer and wine? Now I have Bob and Joe at my wedding, getting to drink beer all night and Sue and Mary don't like beer or wine so they don't get to enjoy any drinks. In my mind that's kind of rude too. I kind of feel like it's all or nothing. And I'm sorry but if you're having an evening reception and your crowd enjoys drinking socially, a dry wedding is not the way to go.

I also keep seeing people say if you have a cash bar its because you're selfish and wanted to spend more on a fancy wedding dress instead of your guests. That is not necessarily true. Some people are trying to budget every aspect of their wedding and may not be having a cash bar just because they wanted a $3500 wedding gown.

I understand Gizmo's point of view. I know people are just trying to educate others on the proper etiquette but it does come off entitled with the "how dare they" attitude. 

Then they don't drink it!  The host should have an assortment of non-alcoholic drinks too.  Alcohol is not a requirement at a party.  You accept and be grateful at what the host provides.

And if a dry wedding is not the way to go for you, then you save up the money until you can afford to host your guests the way you want to!  I don't understand.....is this really such a hard concept?

AddieCake

kleblanc&carlson said:

I find it odd that someone things its rude to have a cash bar.  Some people, like myself, are not fortunate enough to fund an opened bar...there for I need to have a cash bar. 

No, you don't NEED to have a cash bar b/c the options are not ONLY cash bar or full open bar. There are a bunch of in-between options that people (like myself) who know how to properly host guests choose every day. 

AddieCake

leese19 said:

I kind of have a question. A lot of people say if you can't do full open bar just do beer and wine, don't let your guests have the option to buy anything else. Great, but what about the people that don't like beer and wine? Now I have Bob and Joe at my wedding, getting to drink beer all night and Sue and Mary don't like beer or wine so they don't get to enjoy any drinks. In my mind that's kind of rude too.

And I'm sorry but if you're having an evening reception and your crowd enjoys drinking socially, a dry wedding is not the way to go.

Sometimes I go to restaurants and am not crazy about the things on the menu but my husband loves everything on it. He does indeed get to have more options than I do and probably enjoys the food more. Does that mean the restaurant needs to accommodate me and every other person with every little preference we have? Nope. It means I make do b/c you can't cater to every single person's desires.

 My favorite drink involves Franjelico and Chambord. If we go to a dive bar, they don't usually have that stuff. I don't get to have my favorite drink and have to drink something else. C'est la vie. I manage to soldier on. 

I'm a very picky eater, and if there's not chicken on your wedding menu, odds are I am not going to care for much of my meal at your wedding. Does it suck that I don't really get a nice meal like everyone else? Sure, but do I expect you to provide me with what I like specifically? Of course not. 

I agree with you about the evening reception/dry wedding thing. That was reason # 2 that we opted for a daytime ceremony. Our crowd, including ourselves, would be disappointed with a dry evening reception, but we didn't want to spend what it would cost to have more alcohol and we have a couple people who notoriously make asses of themselves whenever they drink hard liquor. So we opted for daytime and had only mimosas to avoid those issues and then went out later for an after party to drink and party. We certainly did not go cash bar to cut our costs or limit people's drinking abilities. 

Jen4948

leese19 said:

I kind of have a question. A lot of people say if you can't do full open bar just do beer and wine, don't let your guests have the option to buy anything else. Great, but what about the people that don't like beer and wine? Now I have Bob and Joe at my wedding, getting to drink beer all night and Sue and Mary don't like beer or wine so they don't get to enjoy any drinks. In my mind that's kind of rude too. I kind of feel like it's all or nothing. And I'm sorry but if you're having an evening reception and your crowd enjoys drinking socially, a dry wedding is not the way to go.

I also keep seeing people say if you have a cash bar its because you're selfish and wanted to spend more on a fancy wedding dress instead of your guests. That is not necessarily true. Some people are trying to budget every aspect of their wedding and may not be having a cash bar just because they wanted a $3500 wedding gown.

I understand Gizmo's point of view. I know people are just trying to educate others on the proper etiquette but it does come off entitled with the "how dare they" attitude. 

So what? They're not entitled to any particular alcohol, and it's rude of them to expect it.  But if you want to provide it, you, not they, have to pay for it. 

abbyj700

I get the cash bar argument here - I'm not even going to throw my hat into the ring on that one. My only thing is - people on here typically say "would you have people to your house for a get together and have them bring their own alcohol? Of course not." 

And well...really? We had 50+ people to our home last year for my FI"s birthday. We provide a few theme drinks and a huge Lua menu of food. But did I feel like I had to provide alcohol for 50+ at home or I would be rude? Not at all. My friends and I always go to each others house with cooler or bottles in hand. Is that really that odd?

Cookie Pusher

The difference is, you weren't throwing the birthday party to thank your guests. A wedding reception is to thank your guests for coming to watch you get married. Would you be happy if someone said they were throwing you a party but when you got there you had to buy your own food and drink? That's why cash bars and potlucks at weddings is rude.

abbyj700

Thanks for the explanation cookie - makes sense. I just kept seeing people say they wouldn't expect to take alcohol to a friends party and didn't agree - but the way you explained it does make it different.

bethangel2332

MobKaz

BethChampagne21 said:

As far as the original posting, if you FIL offer to pay for one item of the wedding, I wouldn't ask for for them to cover another. AS you said you have the full range of drinker/nondrinkers @ your wedding. If they offered a compromise I would take otherwise, but let it flow.

Now as for the cash bar this is my two cents:

Many of us are completely budgeting everything for our weddings(dress, hair/makeup, flowers, reception/church, and the list goes on), for some open bars are the way to go. Others not so much and I personally don't believe it's rude to have a cash bar. I have been more wedding then I can remember and one thing that sticks out is maybe 2 were full cash bars.

Maybe it's a Maine thing, bu times have changed, I know when my parents got married they were able to buy all the liquor for the wedding themselves and have a bar tender serve it. Having the NH Liquor Store be a short drive helped them out tremendously.

But times have changed, when places can charge anywhere from $3 for a mix drink to $15+, it get expensive. I know I will be in the minority here, I'm having a cash bar and no one invited to my wedding is expecting nor will they grumble like a child that they have to have a few dollars to purchase a drink if they so chose. Yes, we could save up for 10 years and have the biggest bash anyone could ever see for our families, but we don't plan on going broke for a wedding, and you can budget all you want unexpected things happen. We live in Maine my FH flipped his truck while being called into to sand/plow for an ice storm we had. Well that truck was very near to being pd off and we were hoping to use the extra money each to make some frivolous additions to the wedding ex. chair covers. Now do we have a rainy day fund, yes so our wedding budget wasn't hit but these things happen you don't plan them and hope it never happens but it can.

Just because someone doesn't grumble about a breach of etiquette doesn't mean they appreciate your rudeness.  It simply means they have better manners than you.

bethangel2332

chibiyui

BethChampagne21 said:

I came to this site on recommendation, I was told most people on here are open, inviting, and helpful. It seems as though most people are nothing but condescending. Times have change and somethings change. Cash bar vs open is one those things. A groom seeing his bride before the walk  down the aisle was once one of the biggest taboos, getting married in the evening was unheard just  a couple of generations ago. Does that make these changes also in poor taste. It is funny you mention better manners, never once have I heard anyone even mention at a wedding or after that a couple was horrible, mean or dare I say rude for having a open bar. 

I have been to backyard thrown together in a week wedding to formal, if you are so stuck up or think poorly of a couple for having a cash bar, I would  not be proud to include you in such a happy day.

I would personally never complain at a wedding about something being rude or tacky unless I knew whomever I was talking to felt the same way.  It's rude to tell someone they are being rude.

I understand budgets are tight, but there are many hosting options, it's not just cash bar or top-shelf open bar. FI and I are doing beer, wine and a signature drink. You can do just beer, just wine, beer and wine, just signature cocktail, just one spirit, almost anything. You can make it work on almost any budget, and it's something guests will appreciate more then chair covers.

MobKaz

BethChampagne21 said: I came to this site on recommendation, I was told most people on here are open, inviting, and helpful. It seems as though most people are nothing but condescending. Times have change and somethings change. Cash bar vs open is one those things. A groom seeing his bride before the walk  down the aisle was once one of the biggest taboos, getting married in the evening was unheard just  a couple of generations ago. Does that make these changes also in poor taste. It is funny you mention better manners, never once have I heard anyone even mention at a wedding or after that a couple was horrible, mean or dare I say rude for having a open bar. I have been to backyard thrown together in a week wedding to formal, if you are so stuck up or think poorly of a couple for having a cash bar, I would  not be proud to include you in such a happy day.


Nope. A groom seeing his bride at a first look does not impact the hospitality of your guests.  Making an invited guest pay for something that is supposed to be hosted by you makes you a rude host.  Please learn the difference between traditions and etiquette.  I have already explained that two rudes don't make it right.  Your guests won't be saying it to YOU because that would be rude.