Moms and Maids

corsages, mom, and dad's wife...

My parents have been divorced for about 13 years.  Divorce was final in March of that year, dad remarried 2 months later (primary reason for the divorce), my first wedding was 2 months after that. That was a stressful time and I don't remember if dad's wife wore flowers at my first wedding or not.  My mom paid for the flowers that time, so I'm guessing his wife didn't have them:)

I'm now getting remarried and trying to keep things very simple and inexpensive.  I mentioned to my mom that I wasn't doing any flowers except a small bouquet for me and a little bouquet for my daughter (Flower girl).  My FMIL doesn't care, but my mom immediately stated "I get flowers."   I wouldn't care that much and would happily just get her and FMIL corsages, but then what do I do with my dad's wife?  Of course mom thinks dad's wife shouldn't get flowers since she's not the MOB, but my Dad is going to think his wife should get flowers if my mom has them.
agh!  This was a piece of why I want to skip other flowers.  Any advice? I'm really close to my mom & preserving our relationship is obviously very important but I don't want a fight with dad either.  In case it matters, FH and I are paying for everything ourselves.

Re: corsages, mom, and dad's wife...

  • I'd land on the side of doing all or nothing, which was obviously what you wanted in the first place.

    If you give them to your mom, you should give them to your FMIL, too. At that point, you could just have done with it and not give any other parents/stepparents/grandparents flowers.

    If, however, you think your father will demand them for his wife, and you don't want to fight, tell your mother that if she gets flowers, your SM does, too.

    I think it comes down to which parent you're willing to go to war with and which hill you're willing to die on.

    FTR, we did flowers for my parents (still married), DH's grandmother (who hates me), our two readers, our cantor, the GMs, and my friend who acted as co-ordinator. We did not do flowers for DH's parents (a) because they weren't initially invited and (b) because they didn't raise DH, his grandmother did. No one asked or cared.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I would give her the flowers. If your mom fusses about it, tell her you are simply trying to avoid drama and that if she doesn't like it, you will go back to your original plan of just flowers for you and your daughter. 

    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • edited January 2014
    This is a touchy subject. Who would think a few flowers could carry such weight? Don't discuss this with your mom. Tell her you will be taking care of this, on your own.

    Get your mother, FMIL and father's wife the corsages, without mentioning it to mom before hand. The mothers' corsages could be slightly more elaborate than the other one. It would be really bad form for your mother to make a fuss the day of the wedding. 

    Or, skip flowers. Buy your mother and FMIL brooches, in lieu of the corsages. Write your mom a nice to note to go with the brooch, letting her know that she's your one and only mom and that you love her. It will be a nice memento of your wedding and won't be obvious to your father and his wife or the other guests. Give your Dad and his wife a joint gift. That way, everyone gets something that's appropriate.

  • If you mom is not paying, she really doesn't have a say in this. I would stick to your original plan of just flowers for you and your daughter. Are you not having attendants?


  • that's correct, no attendants.  My mom isn't paying, but I'm not willing to make a huge deal out of a few little flowers.  I'm leaning toward the broach/pin idea for my mom, but that may depend on what she chooses to wear also.  FMIL is really laid back and has few opinions:)
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