How do I break it to my friends that I can't afford to have them in my wedding party?

MrsWCoastieWife

I have already asked my two sisters to be my maids of honor and they both said yes. I am one of the last of my friends to get married and was a bridesmaid in three previous weddings AND I am still close with all of them. How do I tell them, that I can't afford to have them be bridesmaids in my weddding(even though I really want them to)?

Also, my fiance and I have not setting a wedding date because we are waiting to receive orders from the military. After we find out where we will be moving we will most likely plan for a Fall 2015 wedding.

 

All thoughtful and constructive advice/suggestions are welcome!

Thanks,

A slightly confused bride-to-be

Maggie0829

You don't.  Telling someone that they are not included, no matter the reason, is kind of mean and hurtful.

Just go about your wedding planning.  If your friends ask about your wedding party (which would be rude of them), then simply tell them that you are just going to have your sisters.  If any of them throw a fit for not being included then they aren't very mature.

MyNameIsNot

You don't "break" it to them.  Anything you say is going to end up hurting feelings.

With a date not set but definitely being more than a year off, it's far too early to ask anyone to be in the WP.  When you do set a date and you get to about 9 months before, they may start to ask about who will be in your WP.  At that time, you just say that you are keeping it small with family only.  Don't tell them it's about budget.  That puts them in a question to wonder why this dress or that cake is more important than they are.  

manateehugger

Oh the orders wait. FI got his most recent orders 4 months late. It was awful. Good luck!

Anyway, I agree with Maggie. You don't have to point it out to them that they wont be in the wedding (that's like walking up to an acquaintance and saying, "I'm sorry, but you just aren't on friend level yet"). Just keep going along! And since your wedding is a ways off, don't worry about the wedding party quite yet. You've got plenty of time.

MrsWCoastieWife

@Maggie0829: and invite them to my wedding and move on with things?

 

Maggie0829

@MrsWCoastieWife - Yup. If they get upset or throw a tantrum then that is on them. Weddings aren't tit for tat and just because you were a BM in theirs does not mean you have to make them a BM in yours. They should understand that you want to keep it to just your sisters. And if they don't understand that then they may not be that great of friends.

Personally I would be thrilled not to be asked because by not asking you are saving me a boat load of money that I can then use on gifts for you

MrsWCoastieWife

Would it be appropriate(spelling?) to invite them to a bridal shower that a couple of close family friends want to throw for me?

 

PrettyGirlLost

MrsWCoastieWife said:

Would it be appropriate(spelling?) to invite them to a bridal shower that a couple of close family friends want to throw for me?

 

As long as they are invited to the actual wedding.  But this far out and without even having a wedding date, I think it is a bit too early to be planning a bridal shower.

MrsWCoastieWife

... So one of my closest friends who I would want to be a BM, met up with me just before xmas break to give me all of her wedding planning books etc and I kind of hinted that I really want her as a BM, to her face! A month after she got married( and I was a BM in) my boyfriend proposed to me, in fact after I called my immediate family( parents and sisters) she was the first friend I called to tell the news.

Do I have her as my bridesmaid and my two MOHs for my attendants? To answer a question that I've seen others post... Yes she is the first person I would call with a problem DAY OR NIGHT!

 

... Ahh I'm so confused!

PrettyGirlLost

MrsWCoastieWife said:

... So one of my closest friends who I would want to be a BM, met up with me just before xmas break to give me all of her wedding planning books etc and I kind of hinted that I really want her as a BM, to her face! A month after she got married( and I was a BM in) my boyfriend proposed to me, in fact after I called my immediate family( parents and sisters) she was the first friend I called to tell the news.

Do I have her as my bridesmaid and my two MOHs for my attendants? To answer a question that I've seen others post... Yes she is the first person I would call with a problem DAY OR NIGHT!

 

... Ahh I'm so confused!

No, I'm confused!  What exactly is your issue?  You can ask whoever you want to ask to be in your bridal party.  And the distinction between MOH and BM is meaningless unless you are having a Catholic ceremony where only the MOH and Best Man are allowed to stand on the altar with the bride and groom.

Otherwise MoH's and BMs do the exact same thing. . . wear a dress, carry a bouquet, walk down an aisle, and pose for pictures.

MrsWCoastieWife

I meant, my wedding budget is very tight and using the "family only" answer, but this other woman that I want to ask, truly means the world to me.

How would I address the " oh so you are having your two sisters AND a friend in your wedding? You were in my wedding, why am I not in yours?" question????

aurianna

As far as why you can only afford a few bridesmaids... I'm confused as far as what you can't afford. The bridesmaid gift and something for them to carry down the aisle are the only things I can think of that cost money.
As far as what they carry down the aisle... you can get that for next to nothing. They could carry wild flowers. They could carry candles (assuming there's no chance of them burning). They could carry homemade fans. They could carry a basket or something neat & cheap from a flea market. None of these things are expensive.
The bridesmaid gift though I could see. But it doesn't need to be super elaborate. Just something heart felt.

If those are the only two things and it's still too much, then that's totally justifiable. I just want to make sure you're not counting out girls as bridesmaids because you think there's some other expense that goes with having them.



If anyone is bold (and rude) enough to ask you why they aren't a bridesmaid, just tell them that they are an important friend to you but you are keeping the wedding party small. Then change the subject.

I'm confused why you wouldn't invite them to your shower. Feel free to invite anyone you are close to, assuming they are also invited to the wedding.

I think you'll find that many girls will be understanding. One of my bridesmaids did not ask me to be in her wedding. I just realize she has a lot of friends and family and you can't always have everyone important to you in a bridal party. On the flip side, I have a close friend I didn't ask to be in my wedding. But she never made a fuss of it, and a year later she asked me to be in hers. No one mature will give you trouble over this. Good luck!

PrettyGirlLost

MrsWCoastieWife said:

I meant, my wedding budget is very tight and using the "family only" answer, but this other woman that I want to ask, truly means the world to me.

How would I address the " oh so you are having your two sisters AND a friend in your wedding? You were in my wedding, why am I not in yours?" question????

You don't address such a rude question.  You ignore it and bean dip the person who asked it.

MrsWCoastieWife

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 I am going to put my custom made "will you be my bridesmaid?" gifts from etsy ( I know I jumped the gun, but my sisters gifts looked so beautiful) away for now, and wait until my fiance gets his military orders while contributing a bit of money each month to my "Wedding Fund Only" savings account and re-visit this in late spring!

 

Maggie0829

You are over thinking this. Ask who you want. If your budget can only allow three then only ask three. You do not have to give any reason whatsoever to the others.  If the others get pissy that they weren't included that is their problem because you have done nothing wrong.

As for who can be invited to prewedding parties, anyone invited to the wedding can also be invited to the parties.

And remember, that being invited to the wedding is an honor itself.

MyNameIsNot

As far as why you can only afford a few bridesmaids... I'm confused as far as what you can't afford. The bridesmaid gift and something for them to carry down the aisle are the only things I can think of that cost money.
As far as what they carry down the aisle... you can get that for next to nothing. They could carry wild flowers. They could carry candles (assuming there's no chance of them burning). They could carry homemade fans. They could carry a basket or something neat & cheap from a flea market. None of these things are expensive.
The bridesmaid gift though I could see. But it doesn't need to be super elaborate. Just something heart felt.

If those are the only two things and it's still too much, then that's totally justifiable. I just want to make sure you're not counting out girls as bridesmaids because you think there's some other expense that goes with having them.



If anyone is bold (and rude) enough to ask you why they aren't a bridesmaid, just tell them that they are an important friend to you but you are keeping the wedding party small. Then change the subject.

I'm confused why you wouldn't invite them to your shower. Feel free to invite anyone you are close to, assuming they are also invited to the wedding.

I think you'll find that many girls will be understanding. One of my bridesmaids did not ask me to be in her wedding. I just realize she has a lot of friends and family and you can't always have everyone important to you in a bridal party. On the flip side, I have a close friend I didn't ask to be in my wedding. But she never made a fuss of it, and a year later she asked me to be in hers. No one mature will give you trouble over this. Good luck!

There's also the rehearsal dinner, inviting WP members and their dates can add up.  Many brides want pro hair and/or make up, which isn't cheap for the BMs.  If you're doing a limo, you'll need a bigger one.  There's more to it than just the gift.  

MrsWCoastieWife

@Maggie0829 : Thank You... I will tell myself what you said " being invited to the wedding is an honor" when things get stressful once I do start the wedding planning !

 

aurianna

MyNameIsNot said:

There's also the rehearsal dinner, inviting WP members and their dates can add up.  Many brides want pro hair and/or make up, which isn't cheap for the BMs.  If you're doing a limo, you'll need a bigger one.  There's more to it than just the gift.  

Yeah, but if you're on a budget you can skip the rehearsal (and therefore the RD). You can skip a limo. You can skip the hair and makeup and let them do their own.
I just wondered if there were any other necessities.

aurianna

DP

HisGirlFriday13

I have been a BM five times. Of those five times, only ONE of those brides was in my wedding (my SIL), and only two of them (SIL and a good friend) were even invited to the wedding.

Friendships change, and wedding parties aren't tit-for-tat.

Jen4948

Don't "break it to them."

If one of them asks you about being in the wedding party or says something that suggests that she has such an expectation, you can tell her that you've already selected your wedding party and let it go at that.  But don't be the one to bring it up.  If nobody says anything to you, leave it alone.

LisaTombigparty

I think it is really sweet that you are concerned about your friends' feelings. Weddings aren't everyday and we aren't all used to the etiquette. As a mature adult, you care about them and don't want them to feel left out.

That said, procede with caution when discussing your choices with friends. I had a really close friend from college call me to tell me that she wished that she could have me as a bridesmaid, but that the numbers would be too imbalanced. I'll admit, that stung more than a little bit. 

BUT, a very cool thing she did (that you could do) was to invite me to her rehearsal dinner. I felt like a VIP, which was what she was trying to let me know the entire time. 

Moral of the story, actions speak louder than words!

BMoreBride6

Just curious, why would it be too expensive to have them?  Extra people at the rehearsal dinner?

jenniferurs

I too am confused about the expense component. Having a bridal party is one of the cheaper aspects of a wedding. You say that you very much want all of those girls to stand up with you...so have them stand up with you and cut your budget a TINY bit elsewhere. It won't take much.