bridesmaid dilemma

doeydo

dmyrick78 said:

My sister is leaving the baby with a family member who is a physician's assistant.  She made sure to leave the baby in good hands, because you don't leave a baby that young with just anyone.  I love babies, but I think there is a time and a place for them.  Weddings and funerals, i think are inappropriate places for babies. I guess I am on the wrong side of the argument on this one, even though I wanted to postpone the wedding so it worked for everyone.

Hey, you have every right not to want babies or kids in general at your wedding.  I am glad things worked out and that the parents can come to the wedding.  

MobKaz

doeydo said:

dmyrick78 said:

My sister is leaving the baby with a family member who is a physician's assistant.  She made sure to leave the baby in good hands, because you don't leave a baby that young with just anyone.  I love babies, but I think there is a time and a place for them.  Weddings and funerals, i think are inappropriate places for babies. I guess I am on the wrong side of the argument on this one, even though I wanted to postpone the wedding so it worked for everyone.

Hey, you have every right not to want babies or kids in general at your wedding.  I am glad things worked out and that the parents can come to the wedding.  

She still has an issue with her BM and her FI's best man/brother.  This is the primary and unresolved issue.

phira

All the future sister-in-law needs to do to be a bridesmaid is to wear the right dress and stand up during the ceremony. Someone else could hold the baby if they baby's already born.

I honestly think that the OP feels entitled to The Perfect Wedding, already feels as if she's being denied a lot of that, and is facing what really is a sucky situation: that the wedding date cannot be changed and because of that, there's a REALLY significant chance that a bridesmaid and the best man will not be able to attend the wedding.

Here's the real solution to this issue: Take your fiance, sit down with his brother and sister-in-law, and ask them what they think about the situation. What's the game plan? Maybe the sister-in-law would rather NOT be a bridesmaid and is afraid to back out. Maybe the couple is anxious because they know about the no baby rule and don't want to attend if they have to leave a newborn behind.

I do want to emphasize: if a baby starts crying during your wedding ceremony, the parent/caregiver can LEAVE THE ROOM WITH THE BABY. Not only that, but did you KNOW that even if your beautiful heartfelt vows are temporarily interrupted by a baby crying that 1) people will not be all, "Oh my god, the couple shouldn't have allowed kids, they just ruined their own wedding!" and 2) your wedding will still be valid and you will be married?

If the worst thing that happens on my wedding day is that my friend's will-by-then-be-7-month-old baby starts crying during the ceremony, then I'll be thrilled.

And OP, I would avoid talking about how tough things are and how you're already giving so much of your dream wedding up. MOST of us who dream about our weddings end up giving those dreams up. I dreamt of eloping--we're not doing that. I didn't want a wedding party--we're doing that. We can't afford a honeymoon. We're not getting married in early fall like I dreamed of. I won't have one big happy family with me to celebrate because my parents are divorced, and my grandparents likely will refuse to come and then disown me for not inviting my estranged father. Friends I always imagined would be at my wedding are not in my life anymore. This is what happens when real life happens, and when people do their own thing and can't be told what to do.

Amyzen83

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from, I've felt the jealousy of watching my friend's lives moving ahead and feeling like playing the catch up game. I felt like I was close to the last of my friends to get married, but you know what? If you keep feeding these negative thoughts and feelings going through your mind, you will never be happy and are only going make yourself look bad and potentially sever these relationships you hold so dear. You have so much to be thankful for, the biggest is marrying the person you love and you have a new neice or nephew coming into the world. Things could be sooo much worse like PPs said, and a new life is something to embrace regardless of when he or she comes into this world. If you look back would you want your FI's brother to tell his son or daughter that auntie was pissed that they were born on your wedding day or that you were super excited to meet your new niece/nephew? How you handle this is a reflection of your character.

sarahufl

hahaha, OP you are rude and suck as a friend.

PrettyGirlLost

misshart00 said:

No one is saying you have to let the baby come. That's your prerogative. But you can't be mad if the parents can't come now.

Yeah and you also can't be mad if the majority of ppl here and in the real world think you are an unreasonable bridezilla brat for not wanting/letting a newborn infant come to your otherwise no kids wedding.  I get that it is your prerogative, but it is pretty ridic and irrational if you stop and really think about it.

FFS.

And no, I don't want kids at my wedding and I'm not inviting kids beyond my immediate family and bridal party to my wedding, and that means that there might be a 7 month old and a 1 year old present.  And no they won't ruin my wedding if they happen to cry during the ceremony. . . I'm pretty confident I can concentrate on what's going on even if a bomb hits the church.

phira

PrettyGirlLost said:

misshart00 said:

No one is saying you have to let the baby come. That's your prerogative. But you can't be mad if the parents can't come now.

Yeah and you also can't be mad if the majority of ppl here and in the real world think you are an unreasonable bridezilla brat for not wanting/letting a newborn infant come to your otherwise no kids wedding.  I get that it is your prerogative, but it is pretty ridic and irrational if you stop and really think about it.

FFS.

And no, I don't want kids at my wedding and I'm not inviting kids beyond my immediate family and bridal party to my wedding, and that means that there might be a 7 month old and a 1 year old present.  And no they won't ruin my wedding if they happen to cry during the ceremony. . . I'm pretty confident I can concentrate on what's going on even if a bomb hits the church.

PRETTY FUCKING MUCH.

crunchymamaof2

Frankly, if I were the BM in question and caught wind of your feelings I'd show up, with my day old newborn and probably whip my tit out while standing at the alter when baby needed to be fed. Because I'd be that angry at you. Better yet, if I agreed with inductions if ask my midwife to induce me on your wedding day so I couldn't go.

I mean really. Take a step back. You have zero control over this situation other than saying if the baby can come or not. Going crazy over everything else is just going to negatively affect you. This is your wedding! Be happy you're getting married and gaining a niece or nephew!

crunchymamaof2

I know I'm probably crossing a line with this but can't get this thought out of my head. God forbid something happens to this poor baby or woman. Are you going to be upset when she can't come then??? Because that is precisely how you sound.

You're going to feel real shitty for letting a baby consume you and potentially ruin your relationships with your BM, your BIL, and your FI. They all seem to be on similar pages. Not sure why you're in another book all together.

melbelleup

dmyrick78 said:

First of all, I am not a troll. She and her husband are in the wedding party.  Who will take care of the baby? I KNOW how important my FI's brother is to him, and I offered to rearrange MY wedding day to suit them.  I am not selfish.  I have just waited a long time, and If I had to wait a bit longer for my day to be perfect, I would have.  No one would be put out, everyone could come, and I could have the wedding I envisioned.  My FI did not want to postpone the wedding. I was the one who was going to bend, first.  So please don't act like I don't care for this woman.  I just wanted a dream wedding, as my FI and I cannot have a honeymoon. I just wished she would have asked me what my wishes were, not to wait to start their family, but to know that it is going to be impossible to have an infant at this venue.  There is nowhere to nurse, and new moms are shy about that.  There is no hotel, and her and the groom are in the wedding.  They have put me in a difficult position.  Had I known, I would have rented a venue with a hotel to accommodate everyone, or just went with my gut and post-poned the wedding.

Wait wait wait... so this would be your niece/nephew... /headhitsdesk.

melbelleup

phira said:

All the future sister-in-law needs to do to be a bridesmaid is to wear the right dress and stand up during the ceremony. Someone else could hold the baby if they baby's already born.

I honestly think that the OP feels entitled to The Perfect Wedding, already feels as if she's being denied a lot of that, and is facing what really is a sucky situation: that the wedding date cannot be changed and because of that, there's a REALLY significant chance that a bridesmaid and the best man will not be able to attend the wedding.

Here's the real solution to this issue: Take your fiance, sit down with his brother and sister-in-law, and ask them what they think about the situation. What's the game plan? Maybe the sister-in-law would rather NOT be a bridesmaid and is afraid to back out. Maybe the couple is anxious because they know about the no baby rule and don't want to attend if they have to leave a newborn behind.

I do want to emphasize: if a baby starts crying during your wedding ceremony, the parent/caregiver can LEAVE THE ROOM WITH THE BABY. Not only that, but did you KNOW that even if your beautiful heartfelt vows are temporarily interrupted by a baby crying that 1) people will not be all, "Oh my god, the couple shouldn't have allowed kids, they just ruined their own wedding!" and 2) your wedding will still be valid and you will be married?

If the worst thing that happens on my wedding day is that my friend's will-by-then-be-7-month-old baby starts crying during the ceremony, then I'll be thrilled.

And OP, I would avoid talking about how tough things are and how you're already giving so much of your dream wedding up. MOST of us who dream about our weddings end up giving those dreams up. I dreamt of eloping--we're not doing that. I didn't want a wedding party--we're doing that. We can't afford a honeymoon. We're not getting married in early fall like I dreamed of. I won't have one big happy family with me to celebrate because my parents are divorced, and my grandparents likely will refuse to come and then disown me for not inviting my estranged father. Friends I always imagined would be at my wedding are not in my life anymore. This is what happens when real life happens, and when people do their own thing and can't be told what to do.

[Deleted User]

Assuming she hasn't gone and bought her BM dress yet, before she does, talk to her and let her know that you are excited for her (which you are) and you just wanted to make sure that given her due date and your wedding date if she still wanted to be a BM, because you understand with possibly having a week old baby it would be a lot to ask of her to do BM duties (photos, standing up at the church) with a baby that new. You don't want her to go through the expense of getting the dress, etc if it's asking too much of her to be a BM given her due date. She can always be guest and she will probably still need to bring the baby, but being a guest instead of BM may make it easier. I'm sure you can find a nice tactful way to put it to her, better then I am wording it. Depending on how difficult her pregency and/or delivery is, she may not be ready to leave the house in time for your wedding, or want to take the baby out in public about it. Give her some time to enjoy the excitement, but talk to her before she buys the dress. If she feels she still wants to be BM, I'm sure she will find someone to take care of the baby. But just be prepared that she may go last minute, I'm sorry but I can't come. Heck she could go past her due date and end up going into labor the day before or the day of your wedding. In that case neither her or the GM will be there. Will you miss them? Of course, but just remember, them being there isn't going to stop you and your FI from being able to get married and in the end of the day that's what matters.

MobKaz

dmyrick78 said:

One of my bridesmaids was trying to get pregnant (her husband is the best man).  She got pregnant and her due date is a week and a half before the wedding.  It is her first child. I don't want any children at the wedding.  I think she is planning on bringing the week old infant, and I don't know what to do. Infants are not easy, especially if you are breast feeding, and if it is your first child.  My twin sister (maid of honor) is having a baby a month before, but has all ready found someone to watch the baby, while she attends the wedding. I don't know how it would be possible for this bridesmaid to even attend our wedding, unless she brought the baby (the venue is 45 minutes away).  If she is planning on breast feeding with a week old baby, it would  be impossible for her to leave the baby at home with a sitter. I talked to my FI and he was adamant against postponing the wedding, but now we are tied into the date with our venues and I don't know what to say to her.  I think she thinks infants are so easy. I do not want a baby screaming during our vows and taking away from our special day, What do i do, ask her if she knows who would watch the baby, or let the pieces fall where they may? I was at her wedding, and she did not have any children at her wedding.  I understand not waiting until after the wedding to go on with your lives, but I don't think they thought this through with both her and her husband in our wedding party, how difficult it would be to have a baby a week before and attend an all-day event. What do I do?

The more I read this original post, the more I believe this has much more to do with the attitude that this pregnancy and baby is ruining OP's special day.  She refers to them as wedding party people versus family.  There is no excitement about this pregnancy or the fact that the baby will be OP's niece/nephew.  In fact, her first reference to the baby is that she does not want the baby near her wedding.

She praises her sister for being considerate to put "the wedding first" by finding a babysitter for her yet unborn child.  Her FSIL appears to be at fault for not "thinking this pregnancy through as it relates to the wedding.  How dare FSIL attempt to possibly bring a baby to this wedding when there were none at her own?  (Of course, OP does not say whether this lack of babies was intentional.)

I think this entire concern has more to do with attention sapping then anything else.

clarke10

Soooooo this baby is going to be your niece/nephew? And your only concern is that it will ruin your wedding? You're going to be a terrific aunt.

I'll tell you right now I would NOT be leaving my week-old child with a babysitter to go to a wedding. Considering its family, you'd think you'd be a bit more considerate and just let her bring the kid.

Inkdancer

My nephew was 1 week old on Thanksgiving. He did not make a peep the entire time. I would probably allow my maids to bring their tiny babies. It's not like they'll cost extra for food.

You may want to set up a side room where your SIL can go to breastfeed/ put the baby down for a nap if necessary. Then you have a backup plan if the baby is disruptive, but the new parents can still be in the wedding if they want to.

KPBM89

My brother and his wife are having their baby in June.  Our wedding is in early August, so the baby might be 2 months old at the time, and both of them are in our wedding party.  I can't freaking wait to have my little nephew/ niece (they can find out next week if they want to) there on my wedding day!  Her entire family is invited and can hold the baby, but even if they weren't, I wouldn't care if she held the baby and it cried the whole time.  I just can't wait to be an aunt!! 

grumbledore

You sound nuts, but for what it's worth so does your friend. I barely wanted to leave the house for WEEKS after my daughter was born - and really only did to go to doctor's appointments. I'd be bowing out if I were her, and reasonably so.

That said, let her worry about it and stop trying to make her decisions for her.

grumbledore

dupe

cowgirl8238

I read all of your posts from beginning to end, and I think that you are acting very immature about this whole thing.  I think you should decide whether or not to allow a newborn to your wedding and then sit down with your FI and the couple (who are your own family) and tell them.

Yes you can bring the baby and I have done x, y, or z to help make it easier for you. or

No we are not going to bend on the no children rule.

Be prepared for them to back out of the wedding.  Also be prepared for them to form opinions about you and how unimportant you find the birth of your nephew/niece versus your dream wedding. 

I think you should take some time and think about what is important to you, and once you decide let them know.  I also hope none of them come on here and read this...

edit to add.

aurianna

A wedding ceremony isn't a theatrical piece.

What makes watching an exchange of wedding vows isn't the acoustics; it's watching two people become man and wife. A baby's crying is irrelevant. As long as you get to say what you feel to your husband and vice versa, that is what is important; not how poetic or crystal clear your vows are. (frankly, of all the weddings I've been to, I can't remember who said what, whose had baby's crying, etc. I just remember that my friends became happily married).

No one will care if a baby is crying, and because you're getting married, you really shouldn't either. (I'm not saying you are required to invite the baby; you're not. But I'm saying that seriously... no one will care)


So you have nothing to stress about here. If all goes well, the baby is coming near your wedding whether you want it to or not. You have no control over this. You simply have a choice to make:

Would you rather have:
1.  A guarantee of no baby crying, but not have your BIL, SIL and possibly niece/nephew at your wedding

2. The possibility of a baby crying, but have your BIL and SIL stand beside you, with your new niece/nephew present at your wedding.


That's all you have to do; make that choice. Your bridal party did absolutely nothing wrong, so dwelling on that isn't going to help anything.

Good luck with your decision.

PrettyGirlLost

mobkaz said:

The more I read this original post, the more I believe this has much more to do with the attitude that this pregnancy and baby is ruining OP's special day.  She refers to them as wedding party people versus family.  There is no excitement about this pregnancy or the fact that the baby will be OP's niece/nephew.  In fact, her first reference to the baby is that she does not want the baby near her wedding.

hoppersgirl25 said:

My brother and his wife are having their baby in June.  Our wedding is in early August, so the baby might be 2 months old at the time, and both of them are in our wedding party.  I can't freaking wait to have my little nephew/ niece (they can find out next week if they want to) there on my wedding day!  Her entire family is invited and can hold the baby, but even if they weren't, I wouldn't care if she held the baby and it cried the whole time.  I just can't wait to be an aunt!! 

From my OP in this thread I think you can deduce what I think of the whole thing, however I just wanted to touch on something here.

Some people are not that into children, do not like children, don't want to have children, etc. and so the birth of a child, even a niece or a nephew, isn't really that big a deal to them or cause for personal excitement. 

I would hope that these people have the common sense to realize that young infants can't really be away from their mothers just so someone can have a dream wedding, but not being excited about a child doesn't necessarily mean that a person is a horrible human being.

FutureMr&MrsG

jneen101 said:

Can the baby wait in the car?

I just Lol'd at my desk at work!

phira

I want to second @prettygirllost.

I work in education, and over the course of my life have worked with a lot of children. I also want to have children with my partner. But I am NOT one of those people who gets super excited about kids. I have no idea how I would react to my brother or sister having kids because they don't yet, so I don't know how I'd feel in the OP's shoes, with a niece or nephew on the horizon.

But I DO know that it is very hard for a week-old infant to be without its parents, and from what I know about babies and parenting, I think that the vast majority of parents would decline an invitation to an event if they had a newborn who couldn't attend.

Finally, my brother's wedding was a no-kids affair, and they made an exception for an infant. He's getting divorced now, but I assume that's unrelated.

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

I want to second @prettygirllost.

I work in education, and over the course of my life have worked with a lot of children. I also want to have children with my partner. But I am NOT one of those people who gets super excited about kids. I have no idea how I would react to my brother or sister having kids because they don't yet, so I don't know how I'd feel in the OP's shoes, with a niece or nephew on the horizon.

But I DO know that it is very hard for a week-old infant to be without its parents, and from what I know about babies and parenting, I think that the vast majority of parents would decline an invitation to an event if they had a newborn who couldn't attend.

Finally, my brother's wedding was a no-kids affair, and they made an exception for an infant. He's getting divorced now, but I assume that's unrelated.

My close friends who are in my WP all have young kids and I have a 2 year old niece and a surprise coming in March. . . it's a surprise because my brother and SIL don't want to know the gender until it is born.

When everyone became pregnant with all these little munchkins, I was happy for the parents because they wanted to have kids, and I prayed that they would all have comfortable, healthy pregnancies and babies, but I wasn't really excited about the babies.  I love children, toddlers and up, but I'm not into babies, I just never have been.  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense because a child must first be a baby, and how can I like children but not babies, but I hope you all can get what I am trying to articulate.

It's tough to be a woman who isn't all that into babies.

Inkdancer

It's okay to not be excited about other people's babies. It's not okay to assume that someone else having a baby is going to ruin your wedding.

sofakingmad

This whole thread is preposterous. 

It doesn't matter if you absolutely HATE children, the fact of the matter is the SIL is having a baby a week and a half before the wedding.  It's happening.  Here are your options...

A) You let them bring the kid.  

2)  You don't let them bring the kid.

D) or talk to them and see what their thoughts are on this instead of just spewing about how you've waited TWELVE YEARS FOR THE PERFECT WEDDING AND SHE HAD HERS AND ZOMG ::KICKS ROCKS AND STOMPS FOOT::

Seriously, act like an adult.  You say these people are important to you, but you only seem concerned about the preconceived notion that you are going to have the perfect wedding day.

You need to gain a little perspective here about what is important in life and what your actions might due to ruin a family bond. 

 

ChemFanatic25

Guys, I think OP's gone. *Poof*

PrettyGirlLost

DragonBlood13 said:

This whole thread is preposterous. 

It doesn't matter if you absolutely HATE children, the fact of the matter is the SIL is having a baby a week and a half before the wedding.  It's happening.  Here are your options...

A) You let them bring the kid.  

2)  You don't let them bring the kid.

D) or talk to them and see what their thoughts are on this instead of just spewing about how you've waited TWELVE YEARS FOR THE PERFECT WEDDING AND SHE HAD HERS AND ZOMG ::KICKS ROCKS AND STOMPS FOOT::

Seriously, act like an adult.  You say these people are important to you, but you only seem concerned about the preconceived notion that you are going to have the perfect wedding day.

You need to gain a little perspective here about what is important in life and what your actions might due to ruin a family bond. 

 

Yeppers.

I personally wouldn't even bring this topic of discussion up with the new parents to be.  They are not idiots, they will know that they may have to bring the baby to the wedding or that they might have to back out of being in the wedding.  Let them make decisions for themselves and let them be the ones to broach this topic.  To bring it up to them, no matter how gently, just seems to me like you are gently hinting that they should back out.

phira

@DragonBlood13 Exactly. There's so much going on and on and on about the OP's entitled attitude, but the whole "dilemma" is really not a dilemma at all. These folks are having a baby, so the OP can either say, "Sorry, no kids," or "You can totes bring your baby, we'll make an exception," or, "Hey, what do you think about the situation?" since heck, I'm not sure I'd want to be in a wedding party a few days after popping one out.

LoveLee2014

I do not have children yet, but I have been an Aunt several times and I do not think my sister would/could attend an all day wedding that she was a bridesmaid in.  She gave birth the old fashioned way, no c-section, but I do not think she could have attended.  That is a long day after giving birth, in the hospital for a few days...what if the baby is jaundice? Even if I was dismissed I wouldn't want to leave my baby for all day in the hospital without at least one parent.  What if she is late and has the baby the day before your wedding?? What if she has the baby a month ahead of schedule?! There are just so many questions that you do not need to be worrying about because you have no idea how it will go.  LOL Babies are unpredictable and precious.  I would talk to her right away about how happy you are for her, and tell her you understand if she wants to back out of the wedding.  I bet she is thinking of all this stuff right now, too.  Give her an easy out if she needs it!  Some people try for years to get pregnant, others think it will take years and it happens on the first try! 

With that said, maybe she is going to do anything in her power to be there for you!! Give her a chance.  I have a fun idea if you let her baby attend.  If she is able to be a bridesmaid still, have her buy a sweet tiny gown/dress(kind of like a baptism outfit) for the baby and carry the baby down the isle instead of flowers....then have her pass the baby to ?her mom/trusted someone? in the very front and I bet that baby will sleep through the whole thing. If the baby doesn't sleep, that said person will slip out without being noticed.  If she is able to be a bridesmaid still, I probably wouldn't expect her to be at the reception very long.  Give her a chance.  It will all be okay and great! I can tell you do care for them...think of this baby as an added bonus pop of cuteness to the wedding!!!