Need to vent!

karlipregler

So from the very beginning, even though FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, we let his mother have input on who she wanted invited. We had our guest list made from the very first day when we started planning (over a year ago), and let her write down names of people she wanted. Tonight as we were talking about wedding stuff, she realizes we didn't invite this one couple...and how we have to invite them because her mother is invited to the wedding, and yadda yadda. Due to the above mentioned about paying for everything ourselves, we already sent out invites in hopes to get RSVP's back sooner. Ugh!! Looks like we're sending out one more....

Also in other news, my mom has specifically said on more than one occasion that all her and my father are giving me towards my wedding is $500, nothing more. Which is fine because I wasn't expecting my parents to give me anything anyway so I'll take what is offered. The other day she asked me how much the wedding was going to cost, so I told her a rough estimate. When I told her, she FREAKED out and said how expensive it was. I asked her why it mattered, how FI and I are taking care of everything, and she was just like it's a lot! I tried explaining to her that things are totally different now than they were when she got married, but she just doesn't get it. 

After that, she made a comment about how maybe she could give me more money. Okay, fine, do what you want to do. It just irritates me that her offer always changes. When we had first went dress shopping I wasn't at all expecting her to pay for my dress, and then when I was at the register paying for it she took out her checkbook. I asked what she was doing, to which she replied she was going to pay for my dress, then when I told her how much it was she changed her mind. I understand she's trying to be nice, and trying to be helpful, but it's just stressing me out even more with her changing her mind all the time!

I just have to keep reminding myself that in a few months it will all be over, and I'll have a husband!!

hlvonb

@karlipregler

I am sorry that you're getting stressed out about it all. I would say that you need to just put your foot down with your mother and tell her you appreciate the offer of giving you money toward the wedding but that you can't accept her offer and leave it at that. That will take some of the stress away. As for the FMIL, I would just stop discussing wedding things with her if that seems to be what's causing the stress on that side. Overall, it sounds like you're handling things just fine.

karlipregler

@hlvonb, It's just aggravating. I think FMIL had issues with her DIL and other son when they were planning their wedding, so she hasn't had any involvement in ours because she doesn't want the same problems. I just wish she would take things more seriously and be a little bit more interested in what's going on, because this could have been avoided.

As for my mom it's hard because I could really use the money. I don't want to pry more money out of her, but I also would like to know a definite answer as to how much she's giving. It just helps with planning things out.

In good news though, FI is getting more money/hours at work now so that will also definitely help! I'm also hopeful that taxes will be good to us

manateehugger

Woah, you sent invites out 4 months in advance? When's the RSVP date?

At this point with FMIL, I'd say only discuss things on a generic basis. If she tries to push for something, you say "I'm sorry, it's not in the budget," or "I'm sorry, but we already decided on ____" and then change the subject. 

I'd stop talking budget with mom, ASAP. It's your and FI's money and therefore none of her business. Next time she offers, just tell her no. It sounds like she wants at least the appearance of helping out, but doesn't want to follow through. At this point just leave it alone and if she does hand you a check, just treat it as a welcome surprise and don't stress about it. 

karlipregler

The RSVP date is March 26, so almost 3 months in advance. But I had also sent out STD's super early as well, I just wanted to get it done and didn't want to pay more for stamps since the price goes up the end of this month!

ohmrs2014

Wow you sent them super early.  I'm not planning on sending mine out until the end of the month and even thats pushing it at 10 weeks.

And in terms of stamps, I bought the Forever Stamps for the RSVP envelopes so that will be fine.

HisGirlFriday13

karlipregler said:

The RSVP date is March 26, so almost 3 months in advance. But I had also sent out STD's super early as well, I just wanted to get it done and didn't want to pay more for stamps since the price goes up the end of this month!

Please be prepared for a wildly inaccurate headcount. 

Mailing invitations in early January with an RSVP date of late March is asking for trouble enough. Having your RSVP date THREE MONTHS in advance of your wedding is foolish. People are unlikely to know their schedules that far in advance -- or be able to request vacation time if necessary.

Expect a lot of declines (because that's what DH and I would do -- there's no way we could know our schedules that far out, and rather than say 'yes' and be wrong, we'd just say 'no.')

Also expect a lot of people to (a) change their minds or (b) forget that they said they'd come and not show up.

jenna8984

My parents are the same way...I'm frugal but they are downright the cheapest people ever and always go on about how weddings are such a waste of money. She would freak if she knew how much I paid for my dress and other things so when she asked I just said "yes I found one in my budget" I didn't tell her that budget! 

My father is constantly asking me what things cost like the DJ and photographer and I lie and tell him a lower number just to avoid a freak out and he still freaks and says "when I got married that was $100!" Sometimes I feel like he's in that movie Blast from the Past and has been in a time capsule for 30 years lol 

Rebl90

karlipregler said:

The RSVP date is March 26, so almost 3 months in advance. But I had also sent out STD's super early as well, I just wanted to get it done and didn't want to pay more for stamps since the price goes up the end of this month!

...You just buy the forever stamps now and send them out at the appropriate time...I'm so confused by this...

lovesclimbing

HisGirlFriday13 said:

karlipregler said:

The RSVP date is March 26, so almost 3 months in advance. But I had also sent out STD's super early as well, I just wanted to get it done and didn't want to pay more for stamps since the price goes up the end of this month!

Please be prepared for a wildly inaccurate headcount. 

Mailing invitations in early January with an RSVP date of late March is asking for trouble enough. Having your RSVP date THREE MONTHS in advance of your wedding is foolish. People are unlikely to know their schedules that far in advance -- or be able to request vacation time if necessary.

Expect a lot of declines (because that's what DH and I would do -- there's no way we could know our schedules that far out, and rather than say 'yes' and be wrong, we'd just say 'no.')

Also expect a lot of people to (a) change their minds or (b) forget that they said they'd come and not show up.

This.  110%.  Last May, H was a groomsmen for an OOT wedding.  We got the invitation about 3.5 months before the wedding, the RSVP date about a month before the wedding.  At that point, we knew H could go, but we didn't know if we'd have the money for a ticket for me.  Because the invitation was so early, it got set in a stack and forgotten about.  We didn't end up figuring out I couldn't go until about 2-3 weeks ahead of the wedding (what-da-ya-know, about the time RSVPs are normally due.)

Perhaps this was a faux pas on my part, but we didn't RSVP until about 2 weeks before the wedding, mainly because I had to try and find the invitation and RSVP card, which I hadn't seen in months.  (Although, H chatted with the groom regularly because he's one of his BF's so the B&G knew that it was likely I wouldn't make it.)

ChemFanatic25

Thread jacking here but what would the appropriate amount of time to give for an RSVP date on invites? My venue requires a final head count 14 days before the wedding so that is already two weeks. I have read about people having to track down RSVP's and to give it a week for them to respond after the RSVP date, so then a maybe a week after that to track everyone down? So would it be polite to have the RSVP date be set maybe 3-4 weeks before the actual wedding?

Edit: wording

WinstonsGirl

I'd do your RSVP 7-10 days before your headcount is due.   That will give you time to track down the missing RSVP's. 

ChemFanatic25

 

WinstonsGirl said:

I'd do your RSVP 7-10 days before your headcount is due.   That will give you time to track down the missing RSVP's. 

Thanks! I am putting that in my schedule as soon as I get home.

karlipregler

I'm thinking there may be some confusion so I hope this clarifies. My wedding is April 26, and the RSVP's are due on/before March 26, so a month before the wedding. When I said 3 months, I meant that I sent the invitations out 3 months in advance.

I did use forever stamps for my RSVP's so there isn't an issue there, but my actual invites required 86 cent postage because of the weight. I do agree I sent them out super early and am prepared to deal with whatever headcount issues may come. However, since 86 cents was already a lot, I didn't want to spend more if I waited until after January.

melbelleup

Okay, now I'm getting antsy. I was planning on sending my invites March 28th. My wedding is June 28. The RSVP date is May 28. I made this because 1. the count is due 2 weeks before the wedding. 2. All RSVPs are traveling from PA and other northern states to NC to me which takes 3-7 days to get to me. Is my RSVP deadline too early???

manateehugger

@melbellup - don't send them that early (we're getting married on the same day!)! That's a month too early. I plan on duping ours in the mail the third week of April.

If your final count is due the 14th, ideally you put your RSVP date around June 7th or a few days earlier if you are worried about time. May 28th isn't bad though if you already have them printed though, but I wouldn't start calling non-RSVP'rs for a number of days after that. 

melbelleup

PDKH said:

@melbellup - don't send them that early (we're getting married on the same day!)! That's a month too early. I plan on duping ours in the mail the third week of April.

If your final count is due the 14th, ideally you put your RSVP date around June 7th or a few days earlier if you are worried about time. May 28th isn't bad though if you already have them printed though, but I wouldn't start calling non-RSVP'rs for a number of days after that. 

Oh cool with the same date!!! I was going to wait 3-5 days before calling because of the mail delay, that way if they put them in the day of or day after I might still get them.

CaliMel11

Wait, so did we do our RSVP date too early?
We did ours for March 22nd and our wedding is April 12th...now I feel like an idiot for not putting it a week later than that. =(  The invitations are already printed, so we can't really print them out.
The timeline thing on here says to mail out the invitations 3 months early!

AddieCake

Invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks before the wedding. RSVPs should be due about a week or a week and a half before your final head count is due. 

MobKaz

melbelleup said:

PDKH said:

@melbellup - don't send them that early (we're getting married on the same day!)! That's a month too early. I plan on duping ours in the mail the third week of April.

If your final count is due the 14th, ideally you put your RSVP date around June 7th or a few days earlier if you are worried about time. May 28th isn't bad though if you already have them printed though, but I wouldn't start calling non-RSVP'rs for a number of days after that. 

Oh cool with the same date!!! I was going to wait 3-5 days before calling because of the mail delay, that way if they put them in the day of or day after I might still get them.

This is exactly the way to do it.  Many people will literally wait until the RSVP due date before sending them out.  You will absolutely save yourself a lot of unnecessary stress by waiting at least 3 days AFTER the due date before you start making your follow up calls.  And, yes.....every bride will need to chase after a few missing responses.  Some invitations will actually never reach the guest.  Other guests are simply inconsiderate or "flighty".  My daughter's best man never sent in an RSVP because his thought process was, "Well, obviously you know I will be there".  Yes, BM, we do know that.  However, your response card also indicates your meal preference!!

The waiting period for RSVP's can be fun and exciting.  Expect them to be returned in "waves". You may get several in the first week after sending out invitations.  Then the returns will trickle in, a few here and there.  The last week will resume with a flurry of returns.

Also be prepared for the potential for someone who RSVP'd "no" to have a last minute change and attend, or for someone who RSVP'd "yes" to not show up.  It happens and it is out of your (the general "your") control.  

Have a polite and simple statement prepared for when calling those that never responded.  "Hi.  Our RSVP due date has come and gone.  We have yet to hear from you.  If you have not received the invitation, please let me know ASAP so I can rectify the mailing snafu.  If you have, please know that I must have your response by XX-XX as we must submit our final numbers to the caterer.  

You can either end this response with, "If we do not hear from you by XX-XX, we will assume you are not able to join us and will mark you as not attending.  You will be missed"  Or, you can leave this off of your first follow up call, and say this in a second, and final follow up call.

MobKaz

karlipregler, Sorry!  I didn't mean to thread jack your post with invitation ramblings.  

I can absolutely understand your frustration.  You and your FI are handling things well, and properly, despite the false promises from your mom.  Keep taking care of things with the impression that you and FI are solely responsible for any and all costs.  If and when your mom decides to gift you any money, then you will have the benefit of knowing that cash gift is "free and clear" of any and all strings and obligations.  You will be able to enjoy it in any way you wish.

ohmrs2014

My wedding is April 4th.  The RSVP date is March 14th.  The final headcount is due a week before on March 28th.  That gives us an extra week for late people and those we have to track down.  I plan on sending my invitations out at the end of the month so that people can start receiving them around the time of the bridal shower, which is February 1st.

huskypuppy14

CaliMel11 said:

Wait, so did we do our RSVP date too early?
We did ours for March 22nd and our wedding is April 12th...now I feel like an idiot for not putting it a week later than that. =(  The invitations are already printed, so we can't really print them out.
The timeline thing on here says to mail out the invitations 3 months early!

You're fine. This is exactly how you're supposed to do it. When are you planning on sending the invites? I would wait until February to send them.  

Many people on the knot forums say to send your invites 6-8 weeks before your wedding, and set the RSVP date 2-4 weeks prior, 3 being ideal. I think many people can't have an RSVP date 2 weeks before their wedding, because depending on your venue, almost all require the counts around 2 weeks before (at least the ones I looked at).   But don't make the RSVP date earlier than 4 weeks before. Therefore, I think that 6 weeks before the wedding is usually too late to send invites, and I don't believe I've ever received a wedding invitation only 6 weeks prior, usually it's 8-10 weeks before. No one should really be sending invites more than 10 weeks ahead of their wedding, and more than 3 months is certainly way to early!

CaliMel11

Oh okay whew! We're not sending them out until February. We originally thought we had to send them out this month, so we ordered them, but it's good to have them here a month early anyways since we still need to address them all and get stamps/put postage on them.

Chipmunk415

I sent out my invites at the 3 month mark. The RSVPs are due 2.5 weeks before our wedding day, 1.5 weeks after the room block expires. I needed the extra week for final counts for wedding cake, favors (cupcakes), making welcome bags, etc so I could get it all done without going stark raving mad three days before I get married.