Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

kittybiscuit88

I want to be conscientious of etiquette but I don't want to get crazy... who is right, me or my mom?

My mom has 3 sisters.  One of the sister has 3 children and two older stepchildren.  The oldest stepchild has 2 children.  The oldest is a girl who is 21 and in college.  She speaks to me at family functions and I plan to give her a +1.  The younger child is an 18 year old boy who is still in high school and lives at home.  He never speaks to me and I doubt he even knows my name.  Honestly, I don't really even want to invite him but I'm willing to do so.  I am really against giving him a +1 but my mom thinks I should because he has a girlfriend.  I read that anyone over 18 should get a +1.  My larger concern is that this will open up +1 for any high schooler.  To me this seems ridiculous.  So... is it ok to just invite the family/household... 3 people?

 

Thanks,

M

doeydo

kittybiscuit88 said:

I want to be conscientious of etiquette but I don't want to get crazy... who is right, me or my mom?

My mom has 3 sisters.  One of the sister has 3 children and two older stepchildren.  The oldest stepchild has 2 children.  The oldest is a girl who is 21 and in college.  She speaks to me at family functions and I plan to give her a +1.  The younger child is an 18 year old boy who is still in high school and lives at home.  He never speaks to me and I doubt he even knows my name.  Honestly, I don't really even want to invite him but I'm willing to do so.  I am really against giving him a +1 but my mom thinks I should because he has a girlfriend.  I read that anyone over 18 should get a +1.  My larger concern is that this will open up +1 for any high schooler.  To me this seems ridiculous.  So... is it ok to just invite the family/household... 3 people?

 

Thanks,

M

A +1/"and guest" is only given to truly single guests, but not mandatory.  This means they can bring a date, their friend, or whoever they want.  However, people who consider themselves to be in a relationship at the time that the invitations go out should have their SOs on the invitation by name.  Not inviting someone's GF is pretty rude, IMO. 

kittybiscuit88

I agree it would be rude to not invite significant others but does this apply to high schoolers?  I never received a +1 on an invitation as a high schooler.  I'm certainly not trying to be rude but I really can't afford to let everyone in high school bring a date. 

manateehugger

If he is 18, he is an adult and should receive his own invitation. It would be rude to exclude the girlfriend. She is not a +1, she is a significant other.

ktjanesmom

I disagree.  I do not think a high school kid needs a plus one.

Inkdancer

So my question is this: if you do not have a relationship with your step-cousin's children, why are you inviting them at all? If it's a huge family wedding and you are already having a big party, go ahead and invite both him and his girlfriend.

Maggie0829

PDKH said:

If he is 18, he is an adult and should receive his own invitation. It would be rude to exclude the girlfriend. She is not a +1, she is a significant other.

This.  Just because he is still in high school does not mean that he is not an adult.  He is 18 which makes him an adult.  If you choose to invite him then you should address an invite to him and his girlfriend by name.

FYI, you do not have to invite him.  Like I said, he is an adult and is no longer considered part of the "and Family" since he should be receiving his own invitation.  When children reach the age of 18 they become a separate entity from their parents and other younger siblings.  So if you don't want to invite him then you certainly do not have to.

PrettyGirlLost

I would not give high school children a plus one, nor would I invite their SO, unless they were older (16+)  and I was close with them.  Children under 18 are considered to be part of a social unit with their parents, I believe.

You don't need to extend Plus One's to truly single guests, either.

crunchymamaof2

If the wedding was a month after he graduated high school, give or take, would anyone's feelings change? (those who feeling HSers shouldn't receive +1's/SOs)

My first instinct is to say invite him and his girlfriend if you choose to invite him. Based solely on your original post; if I were you I wouldn't be inviting your cousin's children at all and possibly not even your cousins depending on how close you are and who's paying. But my concern would be how old the girlfriend is. If she's 16 (or younger even) how would her parents react to her being invited to a stranger's wedding? That would be my only hesitation, but again, I probably wouldn't be inviting him in the first place making it a non issue.

MyNameIsNot

If you invite him, you need to invite him with his girlfriend.

The controlling fact here is that he is 18, not that he's in high school.  He's an adult and should be treated that way.  Although there is little practical difference between a 17 year old and an 18 year old, 18 is the magic age.  

AddieCake

18 is an adult. If he graduates in 2 weeks, say, and is OUT of high school suddenly, he is not any MORE adult than he is right this second at 18. 18 is 18. Period. His girlfriend should be invited. 

Mitch617

Honestly I understand the etiquette rule says that you should invite his GF, but that does not mean you HAVE to. If your mom is paying, do what she says. But I have some cousins right around that age and will not be giving them a guest, whether or not they are in a relationship. Probably not for college-aged cousins either. In my family that is not seen as "rude" and they are still seen as a social unit with their parents so it is fine to just invite the family. I had times in college where I was not invited to my BFs cousins' weddings and did not expect to be! But in your case it sounds like you could do without inviting him at all, or his sister. Depends how far on the family tree you are inviting but children of a step-cousin probably aren't assumed to be invited. We are inviting cousins, but not children of cousins (too many!)

HisGirlFriday13

Mitch617 said:

Honestly I understand the etiquette rule says that you should invite his GF, but that does not mean you HAVE to. If your mom is paying, do what she says. But I have some cousins right around that age and will not be giving them a guest, whether or not they are in a relationship. Probably not for college-aged cousins either. In my family that is not seen as "rude" and they are still seen as a social unit with their parents so it is fine to just invite the family. I had times in college where I was not invited to my BFs cousins' weddings and did not expect to be! But in your case it sounds like you could do without inviting him at all, or his sister. Depends how far on the family tree you are inviting but children of a step-cousin probably aren't assumed to be invited. We are inviting cousins, but not children of cousins (too many!)

This is the etiquette board. Do not give advice on this board (or anywhere on these forums, but ESPECIALLY not on this board) that is contrary to etiquette. If you want to be rude, you are allowed -- there are no wedding police who will come and arrest you. But we will side-eye and judge you, hard core, on these boards if you tell us you're going to do something against etiquette AND EVEN MORESO if you advise others to as well.

VTBride51014

My cousin invited my family to her wedding a few years ago. I was 22, was in a serious relationship with my now fiancé, and did not get a +1. When her sister got married recently, they gave a separate invite to my fi and I, but my college age sister was I invited along with my parents. I would've preferred to have my boyfriend now fiancé at the first wedding. Not having him invited didn't deter my attendance, but I do think if you are giving the 18year olds sister a plus one, he should get his gf.

Mitch617

I'm not trying to tell her what to do, just letting her know that not everyone might see it as a major etiquette issue. You can find an etiquette rule anywhere but posting in a forum makes me think she is open to hearing different opinions around that rule. I read what The Knot said about this before starting to decide on my own list here: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx According to this, it is perfectly fine to only give guest invites to those who are married or in a serious relationship. I guess I just don't consider high school relationships to be serious in most cases.

huskypuppy14

I think because this step-cousin is still in high school that it's a little up for debate. I know people feel like the minute you turn 18 you are an adult, get your own invitation, and your SO should be invited. However, there are some things you cannot do when you are 18, and technically you are still a teenager.  To be honest, I have 2 guests that are 18 and 19 and they both live with their parents, and they are being invited on their parent's invitation. I know the knot ladies don't approve of this as a whole, but I am using 21 as the age when you are an independent adult, because that is the age you can partake in the open bar. I believe @photokitty said something similar a few months back.  (*Waiting for the backlash.)

Now, it sounds like you don't want to invite this person at all, and are just doing it to appease your mother. Is your mother paying for the wedding?  Also, don't forget there is a difference between inviting a +1 and inviting a SO. No one is entitled to a +1. 

JoanE2012

Mitch617 said:

I'm not trying to tell her what to do, just letting her know that not everyone might see it as a major etiquette issue. You can find an etiquette rule anywhere but posting in a forum makes me think she is open to hearing different opinions around that rule. I read what The Knot said about this before starting to decide on my own list here: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx According to this, it is perfectly fine to only give guest invites to those who are married or in a serious relationship. I guess I just don't consider high school relationships to be serious in most cases.

Oh come on, you don't believe everything you read, do you??  

If someone is an adult and in a relationship, they're SO should be invited.  You do not get to determine the "seriousness" of their relationship.  If you don't invite the SO, you are being rude.  Most people probably won't tell you this, but be sure your guests are thinking it and maybe even talking amongst themselves about it.

AddieCake

Mitch617 said:

 I guess I just don't consider high school relationships to be serious in most cases.

How do you define serious then? Length of time together? Amount of sex had? How much time spent gazing into each other's eyes and talking about the plans for the future? What's the determiner to make it "serious"? 

The word "serious" is far too subjective to be used as a determiner. We have brides on here every day who THINK  they have a "serious" problem that turns out to be that they are about to have uneven sides or a bridesmaid who can't make the rehearsal dinner. Neither of those are even in the neighborhood of serious to me, but some people think the sky is falling over these things. 

It is nobody's place to determine how "serious" another person's relationship is. 

And again, the guy is 18 and a legal adult. Just because he has a few months of high school left does not make that any less so. 

BecauseYouAre

I'd say yes I'd invite the GF. And that doesn't obligate you to give a plus one to all high school age guests but over 18 in relationship I think it's the polite thing to do.

Maggie0829

Mitch617 said:

I'm not trying to tell her what to do, just letting her know that not everyone might see it as a major etiquette issue. You can find an etiquette rule anywhere but posting in a forum makes me think she is open to hearing different opinions around that rule. I read what The Knot said about this before starting to decide on my own list here: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx According to this, it is perfectly fine to only give guest invites to those who are married or in a serious relationship. I guess I just don't consider high school relationships to be serious in most cases.

Just like to point out that my H and I met and began dating in high school.  We have now been together 11.5 years and married for 2.5 years, so please do not try to diminish the seriousness of their relationship just because they happen to be in high school.

And also TK sucks at giving appropriate etiquette advice.  TK is part of the wedding industry looking only to make money.  They could give two shits if you are rude to your guests.

If someone is in a relationship that SO should be invited.  Period.

lyndausvi

I think this issue as way more to do with you not like this guy than the issue of the GF. 

Personally, it's not a hill I would stand on.  Invite them both and move on.

Mitch617

I'm not sure where you would find deinfinitive rules on the etiquette for inviting guests, but have seen multiple sources who have similar fuzzy rules when it comes to guests who are not married or engaged. I agree people should not have to be engaged to get a SO invite, but some say it needs to be a "serious" relationship, others say "long term", etc. It's all really subjective but I think depending on the family and circumstances it is not always a major etiquette issue to not invite a SO of an 18year old cousin. In her situation, especially since mom wants to invite the GF, she should probably invite the GF. It's just one more person anyways. In other situations, for example if you have 8 cousins who range from 17-19, some with SOs, all who still live with their parents, I do not think you are obligated to invite up to 8 extra teenagers to your wedding.

Liatris2010

kittybiscuit88 said:

I want to be conscientious of etiquette but I don't want to get crazy... who is right, me or my mom?

My mom has 3 sisters.  One of the sister has 3 children and two older stepchildren.  The oldest stepchild has 2 children.  The oldest is a girl who is 21 and in college.  She speaks to me at family functions and I plan to give her a +1.  The younger child is an 18 year old boy who is still in high school and lives at home.  He never speaks to me and I doubt he even knows my name.  Honestly, I don't really even want to invite him but I'm willing to do so.  I am really against giving him a +1 but my mom thinks I should because he has a girlfriend.  I read that anyone over 18 should get a +1.  My larger concern is that this will open up +1 for any high schooler.  To me this seems ridiculous.  So... is it ok to just invite the family/household... 3 people?

 

Thanks,

M

First, plus ones are not rewards for friendly behavior at family functions. They are a courtesy to your guests. You don't have to give her a plus one if you are short on space or budget.

Second, anyone in a relationships is invited with their SO. If you don't want to invite him, you don't have to, but if you invite him you also need to invite his girlfriend.

crunchymamaof2

Mitch617 said:

I'm not sure where you would find deinfinitive rules on the etiquette for inviting guests, but have seen multiple sources who have similar fuzzy rules when it comes to guests who are not married or engaged. I agree people should not have to be engaged to get a SO invite, but some say it needs to be a "serious" relationship, others say "long term", etc. It's all really subjective but I think depending on the family and circumstances it is not always a major etiquette issue to not invite a SO of an 18year old cousin. In her situation, especially since mom wants to invite the GF, she should probably invite the GF. It's just one more person anyways. In other situations, for example if you have 8 cousins who range from 17-19, some with SOs, all who still live with their parents, I do not think you are obligated to invite up to 8 extra teenagers to your wedding.

It's not subjective. Really, its common sense. Etiquette is all about your guests comfort and putting them before yourselves. Anyone who considers themselves to be in a relationship MUST be invited as a unit, because that's what they are. A social unit. To not do so is extremely rude and can be relationship ending.

That is the etiquette. How you personally feel about it doesn't change anything. It's still rude.

pinkshorts27

Mitch617 said:

I'm not trying to tell her what to do, just letting her know that not everyone might see it as a major etiquette issue. You can find an etiquette rule anywhere but posting in a forum makes me think she is open to hearing different opinions around that rule. I read what The Knot said about this before starting to decide on my own list here: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx According to this, it is perfectly fine to only give guest invites to those who are married or in a serious relationship. I guess I just don't consider high school relationships to be serious in most cases.

When I was in high school my boyfriend was 18 (the week after graduation I turned 18), also in high school and we considered ourselves in a serious relationship. We had been dating about 1.5 years right before we graduated. We had slept together. We were going to college with each other. I knew I loved him. He meant so much to me. And guess what, in one year I will be marrying that same guy. Now I know not everyone marries their high school gf, but he is an adult and in an adult relationship. He deserves respect from you of his relationship. 

JellyBean52513

A girl I've known for a decade is marrying her high school sweetheart in a few months. Since she's a couple years older than me, that means she's been with her boyfriend--since high school--for over ten years. Everybody's relationship has to start somewhere, and you might be denying this cousin the chance to attend this wedding with his future wife. You never know. Don't be rude, invite the GF if you choose to invite him.

Mitch617

But just for the sake of argument, I know someone who recently married someone she has dated since seventh grade. Is it rude to not extend SO invites to middle school cousins? I'm not meaning to offend anyone who has married their high school sweetheart or deny that high school relationships can be lasting or serious. I've already decided not to give SO invites to cousins in high school or just out of high school, call it rude if you will, but I'm genuinely curious to see where you have heard that this is against etiquette. I know I already referenced the knot and several of you disagree with their advice, but checked the NY Times column "A Well Mannered Wedding" and they also say it is up to the hosts whether or not to invite BF or GFs of guests. I definitely plan to invite some guests with BFs and GFs but if they are saying its optional to do that even for independent adults, I can't imagine it is that is that big of a faux pas to not invite a guest of an 18 year old. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/11/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html?_r=0

JoanE2012

Mitch617 said:

But just for the sake of argument, I know someone who recently married someone she has dated since seventh grade. Is it rude to not extend SO invites to middle school cousins? I'm not meaning to offend anyone who has married their high school sweetheart or deny that high school relationships can be lasting or serious. I've already decided not to give SO invites to cousins in high school or just out of high school, call it rude if you will, but I'm genuinely curious to see where you have heard that this is against etiquette. I know I already referenced the knot and several of you disagree with their advice, but checked the NY Times column "A Well Mannered Wedding" and they also say it is up to the hosts whether or not to invite BF or GFs of guests. I definitely plan to invite some guests with BFs and GFs but if they are saying its optional to do that even for independent adults, I can't imagine it is that is that big of a faux pas to not invite a guest of an 18 year old. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/11/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html?_r=0

Oh for goodness sake, we're talking about an 18 year old adult.  We're not talking about middle schoolers.  ANY ADULT (18 or over) in ANY kind of relationship needs to be invited with their SO.  There is no ifs ands or buts about it.

JellyBean52513

Mitch617 said:

But just for the sake of argument, I know someone who recently married someone she has dated since seventh grade. Is it rude to not extend SO invites to middle school cousins? I'm not meaning to offend anyone who has married their high school sweetheart or deny that high school relationships can be lasting or serious. I've already decided not to give SO invites to cousins in high school or just out of high school, call it rude if you will, but I'm genuinely curious to see where you have heard that this is against etiquette. I know I already referenced the knot and several of you disagree with their advice, but checked the NY Times column "A Well Mannered Wedding" and they also say it is up to the hosts whether or not to invite BF or GFs of guests. I definitely plan to invite some guests with BFs and GFs but if they are saying its optional to do that even for independent adults, I can't imagine it is that is that big of a faux pas to not invite a guest of an 18 year old. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/11/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html?_r=0

No, because they are minors, so the social unit that they're a part of is still their family and therefore they would be included on their parents' invitation. The cousin in question is 18 years old, so he is an adult person who deserves his own invitation with his SO named on it. THAT'S the difference, adult vs. non-adult. Being in high school doesn't determine whether or not a person is a legal adult.

As of whether or not it is "polite" to invite adults with SOs, it just is. IDGAF what the NY Times says. A wedding is a celebration of love, and to invite someone to celebrate with you while denying them the chance to experience it with the person THEY love is rude and inconsiderate. 

ETA: A line copy-and-pasted directly from that article says "The standard is that a guest’s spouse, partner or fiancé should also be invited." A significant other IS a partner. A boyfriend/girlfriend IS a partner.

Mitch617

In this case "partner" was referring to gay couples (in cases where they cannot be legally spouses) because the next sentence was referring to "serious relationships" which would be BF/GF. You may disagree with The Knot and NYTimes but none of us are born as etiquette experts so I look for advice from those who are generally seen as experts (the author of that column is the granddaughter of Emily Post who writes an etiquette column for the NYTimes). I'm interested to see if someone has a reputable source that disagrees.

JCbride2015

I really don't see why this is hard.  Is the invited guest 18 or over?  They get their own invitation, and if they have an SO, the SO is invited.  No matter how long they've been dating or whatever other criteria you might use, if the invited guest considers himself in a relationship, the SO is invited.

Yeah, it's an arbitrary line between 17 and 18.  But I agree with PP who said 18 is a magic number.

FWIW I am also about to marry my high school sweetheart.  I was left out of a family wedding that occurred with Fi was about 19/20 years old.  Guess what?  Fi and I were really hurt at the time, and we STILL are hurt and miffed by this.  His cousin treated him like a child, not an adult, and treated me like I wasn't a valid partner.  Yep, it's offensive.