Wedding invites and the dreaded +1

PrettyGirlLost

kgd7357 said:

Getting back to answering the OP:

What I would do in the case of the 18 y/o highschooler that lives at home is call his mom and ask what she would prefer. If she is paying for them to come (gas, hotel, flight, etc.) it may be her preference to not have the girlfriend, and it may make it awkward to even open up the possibility that she is invited. In this case I would go by mom's preference. If she is not responsible for getting him there, I would either choose to invite him with the SO and his own invite, or not invite him at all.

Strict etiquette says 18, but I feel that, like with the wedding itself, that the one who pays gets some say. I guess this is why I have such a problem with the magic 18 number.

Ugh, OP don't do this!  This is all shit you don't need to worry about. 

This isn't that hard, people- send a separate invitation to the 18yro cousin addressed to both he and his SO by name.  Then let him, his GF, and their respective parents sort out how they are getting to your wedding, who is paying for what, etc.  You don't need to ask your Aunt's preference on who you invite to your wedding.

Liatris2010

mazilora said:

I think the people who flip out over not having their SO invited are proving they fall into the "non-adult" category.  When my aunt got married, she had a very small wedding (about 50 people), and I was invited (at age 23, living on my own) but my boyfriend of 5 years (now FI) was not invited (and yes they had met).

It was not that big of a deal; I was thrilled to be invited and *gasp* am capable of attending social functions without him.  I can't imagine having had a +1 to weddings when I was in high school--why should the bride and groom have to host my "boyfriend du jour"?  I'm not saying all high school relationships are frivolous, but just because a 16-year-old thinks they're "in a serious relationship" does not mean they are.

I'll be offended for you. Your aunt asked you to spend your day celebrating her relationship, yet she couldn't be bothered to be courteous of your relationship of FIVE YEARS and include your SO.
Invitations like that scream,  "Hey come pay attention to me and my new HUSBAND (squeeee!!!!) and celebrate us taking our relationship to the next level, but ummm, leave your SO home because this celebration of love is about our love, not yours, and your relationship just isn't as important as ours."

If you want people to coo over you and your shiny new marriage, you'd better be respectful of their relationships. If not, expect a lot of declines and missed phone calls.

kgd7357

PrettyGirlLost said:

kgd7357 said:

Getting back to answering the OP:

What I would do in the case of the 18 y/o highschooler that lives at home is call his mom and ask what she would prefer. If she is paying for them to come (gas, hotel, flight, etc.) it may be her preference to not have the girlfriend, and it may make it awkward to even open up the possibility that she is invited. In this case I would go by mom's preference. If she is not responsible for getting him there, I would either choose to invite him with the SO and his own invite, or not invite him at all.

Strict etiquette says 18, but I feel that, like with the wedding itself, that the one who pays gets some say. I guess this is why I have such a problem with the magic 18 number.

Ugh, OP don't do this!  This is all shit you don't need to worry about. 

This isn't that hard, people- send a separate invitation to the 18yro cousin addressed to both he and his SO by name.  Then let him, his GF, and their respective parents sort out how they are getting to your wedding, who is paying for what, etc.  You don't need to ask your Aunt's preference on who you invite to your wedding.

Etiquette is all about making people feel comfortable. You are potentially making a guest you know well feel uncomfortable for the sake of one you don't know well. It seems to me OP is inviting the 18 y/o as a curtesy to the Aunt. Therefore, it make sense to seek her opinion. She may say the gf is part of the family and they all would love to come together. And that is fine. It may be super weird, as they may have this planned as a family only trip. OP, if the 18 y/o was, say 35, would you invite him? That changes my opinion a lot. If you're only inviting him b/c he lives in that house, I would consult mom.

PrettyGirlLost

kgd7357 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kgd7357 said:

Getting back to answering the OP:

What I would do in the case of the 18 y/o highschooler that lives at home is call his mom and ask what she would prefer. If she is paying for them to come (gas, hotel, flight, etc.) it may be her preference to not have the girlfriend, and it may make it awkward to even open up the possibility that she is invited. In this case I would go by mom's preference. If she is not responsible for getting him there, I would either choose to invite him with the SO and his own invite, or not invite him at all.

Strict etiquette says 18, but I feel that, like with the wedding itself, that the one who pays gets some say. I guess this is why I have such a problem with the magic 18 number.

Ugh, OP don't do this!  This is all shit you don't need to worry about. 

This isn't that hard, people- send a separate invitation to the 18yro cousin addressed to both he and his SO by name.  Then let him, his GF, and their respective parents sort out how they are getting to your wedding, who is paying for what, etc.  You don't need to ask your Aunt's preference on who you invite to your wedding.

Etiquette is all about making people feel comfortable. You are potentially making a guest you know well feel uncomfortable for the sake of one you don't know well. It seems to me OP is inviting the 18 y/o as a curtesy to the Aunt. Therefore, it make sense to seek her opinion. No it doesn't.  The Bride is fully capable as an adult to decide whom she wants to invite to her wedding w/o consulting other guests.  And her motives for inviting people are irrelevant.  Courtesy or no, if she invites her cousin she should invite his SO.  She may say the gf is part of the family and they all would love to come together. Great, but that's a decision that family can make at the time they receive their invitations.  And that is fine. It may be super weird, as they may have this planned as a family only trip. Fine, but again that is for her Aunt to deal with on her own.  This is of no concern to the Bride IMO.  OP, if the 18 y/o was, say 35, would you invite him? That changes my opinion a lot. If you're only inviting him b/c he lives in that house, I would consult mom.  I think it would be really rude to invite everyone in that family except him, to be honest.  Rather than consulting with her Aunt she should just exercise common sense and common courtesy.

To the bolded- Yes, at the event you are hosting.  Which means you invite people's SO's, you make sure they have a seat it sit in, that they have enough to eat and drink.

Etiquette does not mean the Bride needs to worry about the family dynamics between her Aunt, her 18 year old cousin, and the cousin's GF.  That is their responsibility to sort out that crap on their own.  They are all adults- unless the GF is technically a minor, but the point is that the Bride can invite whomever she wants to her event w/o consulting with other guests and worrying about their feelings or travel and financial arrangements.

PrettyGirlLost

DP

kgd7357

Family dynamics are important to some people. The easiest way to get something right with close relatives is to ask them.

delujm0

this thread is crazy.

 

When I was jus out of college, I was invited to my high school BFF's wedding without a date.  I had started dating my (now) FI about 8 months earlier.  They had never met.  BFF decided to only invite SO's if they were engaged or married.  The wedding was fairly small - maybe 75 people.

 

While I personally was not offended at the time (it didn't hurt that FI had a previous family commitment that day and couldn't have come even if he was invited), PLENTY of people were.  Including one friend who had known the bride since kindergarden and declined to attend because his GF (since high school, so she knew the bride as well) wasn't invited; also BFF's college roommate, who we also went to high school with, had met her BF when they were all at college together and he wasn't invited even though he was plenty close with the bride on his own.  ALL of these people (and their parents) were mad about this policy.  NONE of them complained about it to the bride or her family.  We were all 23 at the time.

 

To say that all young adults are fine with this policy because they know plenty of other guests is BS.  I wasn't offended, but several of my friends were.  Additionally FI and i have been together for over 9 years at this point; we were together 8 years when we got engaged...after about the one year mark, i would have been enraged if he was invited to a wedding without me simply because we weren't engaged.  that is nonsense.  It's not anyone's job to determine the validity of their friends' relationships.  Just invite all of the SOs.  If the guests don't want them there, they won't bring them.  it's their decision to make - not yours.

ashleyep

Maybe I'm alone in this, and maybe it's just because I graduated from high school 3 months before I turned 18 (which happened the day I moved into college!) but I believe that, socially, not legally, graduating high school means a lot more than turning 18. I would include an 18 year old high school student on his parent's invitation. Unless you're living on your own and supporting yourself, if you're still in high school you're not getting your invitation. Sorry. 

(Fortunately for me, I don't have any guests in that situation)

You can all say that the hard and fast rule is 18, but I haven't seen that rule anywhere but on this message board - although it's definitely a good rule of thumb. Unless someone can show me a Miss Manners or Emily Post article that says otherwise, I'm sticking with my opinion.

Mitch617

I agree graduating high school sets someone apart more as an adult than just turning 18. If you had 4 cousins who are all seniors in high school, some 17 and some 18, it would be very odd to invite the 18 year olds with SOs and the 17 year olds without. People need to look at their own family situations and see where the right cutoff would be for wedding invites or SO invites.

indianaalum

Mitch617 said:

Honestly I understand the etiquette rule says that you should invite his GF, but that does not mean you HAVE to. If your mom is paying, do what she says. But I have some cousins right around that age and will not be giving them a guest, whether or not they are in a relationship. Probably not for college-aged cousins either. In my family that is not seen as "rude" and they are still seen as a social unit with their parents so it is fine to just invite the family. I had times in college where I was not invited to my BFs cousins' weddings and did not expect to be! But in your case it sounds like you could do without inviting him at all, or his sister. Depends how far on the family tree you are inviting but children of a step-cousin probably aren't assumed to be invited. We are inviting cousins, but not children of cousins (too many!)

I disagree on no SO for "college age". If someone was 21 and NOT in college, would they not be entitled to bring their girl/boyfriend?? PEople legitimately get married at that age, so I think it would be rude to not considred their relationship a mature one..which is really what you are saying when you are excluding them from bringing their SO

indianaalum

Mitch617 said:

No, she is not invited because I know her, I'm just saying that is one of the reasons she is an obvious invite, although it was polite of them not to assume. I'm also inviting another cousins GF and I have never met her. They are in their early 20s and live independently from their parents, although they do not live together and are not engaged. It's great that you were included on the trip, but it certainly would not have been rude of the uncle if he opted not to invite a 19 or even 20 yr old nephews GF to a destination wedding.

Actually, it WOULD have been rude. That's what we are trying to say. ANYONE 18 or over MUST be invited with their significant other....

Mitch617

Mitch617 said:

Honestly I understand the etiquette rule says that you should invite his GF, but that does not mean you HAVE to. If your mom is paying, do what she says. But I have some cousins right around that age and will not be giving them a guest, whether or not they are in a relationship. Probably not for college-aged cousins either. In my family that is not seen as "rude" and they are still seen as a social unit with their parents so it is fine to just invite the family. I had times in college where I was not invited to my BFs cousins' weddings and did not expect to be! But in your case it sounds like you could do without inviting him at all, or his sister. Depends how far on the family tree you are inviting but children of a step-cousin probably aren't assumed to be invited. We are inviting cousins, but not children of cousins (too many!)

I disagree on no SO for "college age". If someone was 21 and NOT in college, would they not be entitled to bring their girl/boyfriend?? PEople legitimately get married at that age, so I think it would be rude to not considred their relationship a mature one..which is really what you are saying when you are excluding them from bringing their SO

I don't think anyone is "entitled" to bring a BF or GF regardless of age. But I personally would extend SO invites to dating couples if they are independent adults. It depends on your situation. If you have one young cousin with a SO, sure, invite the SO. If you have twelve cousins in that age range, it's fair enough to have to limit extra people. It's hard to define as a rule, but people should figure out what works in their family. For OP I would say invite the GF since she is giving the sister a SO invite and they are close in age. For many of us with large extended families and younger cousins, it would be far ruder to exclude the cousin from the invite just because we do not have the space for someone they are dating.

Mitch617

indianaalum said:

Mitch617 said:

No, she is not invited because I know her, I'm just saying that is one of the reasons she is an obvious invite, although it was polite of them not to assume. I'm also inviting another cousins GF and I have never met her. They are in their early 20s and live independently from their parents, although they do not live together and are not engaged. It's great that you were included on the trip, but it certainly would not have been rude of the uncle if he opted not to invite a 19 or even 20 yr old nephews GF to a destination wedding.

Actually, it WOULD have been rude. That's what we are trying to say. ANYONE 18 or over MUST be invited with their significant other....

But still, no one has pointed where they heard this rule. It seems extreme to say this with such urgency.

MyNameIsNot

Mitch617 said:

Mitch617 said:

Honestly I understand the etiquette rule says that you should invite his GF, but that does not mean you HAVE to. If your mom is paying, do what she says. But I have some cousins right around that age and will not be giving them a guest, whether or not they are in a relationship. Probably not for college-aged cousins either. In my family that is not seen as "rude" and they are still seen as a social unit with their parents so it is fine to just invite the family. I had times in college where I was not invited to my BFs cousins' weddings and did not expect to be! But in your case it sounds like you could do without inviting him at all, or his sister. Depends how far on the family tree you are inviting but children of a step-cousin probably aren't assumed to be invited. We are inviting cousins, but not children of cousins (too many!)

I disagree on no SO for "college age". If someone was 21 and NOT in college, would they not be entitled to bring their girl/boyfriend?? PEople legitimately get married at that age, so I think it would be rude to not considred their relationship a mature one..which is really what you are saying when you are excluding them from bringing their SO

I don't think anyone is "entitled" to bring a BF or GF regardless of age. But I personally would extend SO invites to dating couples if they are independent adults. It depends on your situation. If you have one young cousin with a SO, sure, invite the SO. If you have twelve cousins in that age range, it's fair enough to have to limit extra people. It's hard to define as a rule, but people should figure out what works in their family. For OP I would say invite the GF since she is giving the sister a SO invite and they are close in age. For many of us with large extended families and younger cousins, it would be far ruder to exclude the cousin from the invite just because we do not have the space for someone they are dating.

Sure, they aren't entitled to bring their SO.  They also aren't entitled to a chair, refreshments, or a working toilet.  It's still rude to exclude the SO, just as it is rude to make guests stand.  This is the etiquette board.  Etiquette dictates that you invite the SO of any adult in an established relationship.  

Until the change the age of majority, that's anyone over 18.  

Mitch617

Well, having no chair, refreshments, or toilet would really get in the way of your guests' basic comfort. Going without their SO would not be in the same category. Some might be more comfortable with the SO, but many young dating couples are independent enough to attend a family wedding on their own without getting in a huff or boycotting it altogether, Where exactly does etiquette dictate that an 18-yr-old high school student is entitled to bring their SO to a wedding?

MyNameIsNot

Mitch617 said:

Well, having no chair, refreshments, or toilet would really get in the way of your guests' basic comfort. Going without their SO would not be in the same category. Some might be more comfortable with the SO, but many young dating couples are independent enough to attend a family wedding on their own without getting in a huff or boycotting it altogether, Where exactly does etiquette dictate that an 18-yr-old high school student is entitled to bring their SO to a wedding?

Actually, being asked to celebrate a marriage without your significant other does fall into the same category.  Most people actually enjoy the company of their SOs, and are uncomfortable attending important social functions without them.  If they are "independent" and prefer to attend family events without the SO, they will RSVP accordingly.  

For reference to the rule that adults in established relationships should be invited with their SO, read Miss Manners.  

Maggie0829

FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

Mitch617

This is Miss Manners' take on it:

"But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.

The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.

She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends."

Looks like our expert says that married, engaged, or "para-spouses" (long-time life partners like those who bought a house together or have kids together without a ring) are the only ones that MUST be included, and others should be able to enjoy themselves on a solo invitation.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-say-i-do-to-wedding-invitations/2011/04/08/AFLCIsRD_story.html

Mitch617

Maggie0829 said:

FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

no one is denying that 18=legal adult.  The disagreement is whether 18=legal adult=MANDATORY to include SO at wedding.

Maggie0829

@Mitch617 I am sorry but I disagree with Miss Manners. From that explanation my H and I should not have been invited together to any wedding for 8 years because we didn't meet those ridiculous requirements.

A wedding is a time to celebrate love and to only invite engaged, married, of long-term couples is basically telling the other couples that their relationship means shit without certain requirements.

Mitch617

@Maggie0829 it's fine to disagree but some PPs take things to the extreme and act as though choosing not to invite SOs is an etiquette nightmare.  I am inviting couples who are of a certain age and have been together for a while, but not taking 18 as the age where I MUST invite a SO as long as they are "facebook official". 

A few people had talked down on other sources I got my etiquette info from and cited Miss Manners as the real expert, so they may want to know what she says on this.  She's not saying you can't or should not invite other SO's, but pointing out you really don't have to and the guests should be able to manage without them.

JCbride2015

Mitch617 said: This is Miss Manners' take on it:

"But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends."

Looks like our expert says that married, engaged, or "para-spouses" (long-time life partners like those who bought a house together or have kids together without a ring) are the only ones that MUST be included, and others should be able to enjoy themselves on a solo invitation.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-say-i-do-to-wedding-invitations/2011/04/08/AFLCIsRD_story.html


But a person with a serious bf or gf is not a "single person who complains that they wouldn't enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests."  A single person doesn't need to get a +1, although it might be nice.  But adults get invited with SO.  Period.

I disagree with Miss Manners' bipolar distinction between single and para-spouse.  What's in the middle?  Somebody in a relationship is not single.

ashleyep

Maggie0829 said:

FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide.

ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.

Maggie0829

@Maggie0829 it's fine to disagree but some PPs take things to the extreme and act as though choosing not to invite SOs is an etiquette nightmare.  I am inviting couples who are of a certain age and have been together for a while, but not taking 18 as the age where I MUST invite a SO as long as they are "facebook official". 

A few people had talked down on other sources I got my etiquette info from and cited Miss Manners as the real expert, so they may want to know what she says on this.  She's not saying you can't or should not invite other SO's, but pointing out you really don't have to and the guests should be able to manage without them.

So you are basically judging the seriousness of someone else's relationship due to your age and time they have been together cut off line. Well H and I had been together for over a year by the time I was 18. Would we have made the cut or would I have been invited without him? All marriages start somewhere. You and your FI started out the same way everyone else who got married did. How would you feel if someone said to you "oh sorry, I just don't think you two have been together long enough to be deemed in a serious relationship to earn an invite as a couple to my wedding."

Mitch617

JCBride2014 said:

Mitch617 said:

This is Miss Manners' take on it:

"But she is disturbed at reasons Gentle Readers have given her for feeling that they must decline invitations to weddings that they would dearly like to attend.

The most common is from single people who complain that they wouldn’t enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests, because they won’t know anyone there. Miss Manners is not sympathetic, as she believes that wedding guests should be people who are invited, and who want to attend, because they actually care about the families being joined. And while the established partners of such people — meaning spouses, affianced spouses and para-spouses — must be included, caring or not, a wedding is not a dating opportunity.

She does, however, feel sorry for people who feel incapable of socializing with the friends of their friends."

Looks like our expert says that married, engaged, or "para-spouses" (long-time life partners like those who bought a house together or have kids together without a ring) are the only ones that MUST be included, and others should be able to enjoy themselves on a solo invitation.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-say-i-do-to-wedding-invitations/2011/04/08/AFLCIsRD_story.html

But a person with a serious bf or gf is not a "single person who complains that they wouldn't enjoy themselves if they are not allowed to bring their own guests."  A single person doesn't need to get a +1, although it might be nice.  But adults get invited with SO.  Period.

I disagree with Miss Manners' bipolar distinction between single and para-spouse.  What's in the middle?  Somebody in a relationship is not single.

If we are going to get technical and legal about it, like how 18 is adult, then yes someone in a relationship is single.  Even the engaged and para-spouses are too, but she is saying they are established and need to be included.  I'm engaged, but when I fill out paperwork I still check "single". 

I think here she goes more into the truly single part because she is trying to encourage them to mingle at weddings and see them as a match-making opportunity as people used to.  Of course people with SOs wouldnt be doing that (I hope) but still should be socially independent enough to see past their lack of a date and enjoy the company of others.

Maggie0829

ashleyep said:

FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide. ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.

Sorry but what I don't get is if you are going to treat an 18 year old as an adult in all other aspects then why not for a wedding.

And I lived with my parents until I was about 24.  They paid for most of my living expenses since I was in school and working part time.  So in that instance since I am an adult but still living off my parents does that mean that I wouldn't be invited separately?

Mitch617

Maggie0829 said:

@Maggie0829 it's fine to disagree but some PPs take things to the extreme and act as though choosing not to invite SOs is an etiquette nightmare.  I am inviting couples who are of a certain age and have been together for a while, but not taking 18 as the age where I MUST invite a SO as long as they are "facebook official". 

A few people had talked down on other sources I got my etiquette info from and cited Miss Manners as the real expert, so they may want to know what she says on this.  She's not saying you can't or should not invite other SO's, but pointing out you really don't have to and the guests should be able to manage without them.

So you are basically judging the seriousness of someone else's relationship due to your age and time they have been together cut off line. Well H and I had been together for over a year by the time I was 18. Would we have made the cut or would I have been invited without him? All marriages start somewhere. You and your FI started out the same way everyone else who got married did. How would you feel if someone said to you "oh sorry, I just don't think you two have been together long enough to be deemed in a serious relationship to earn an invite as a couple to my wedding."

I understand that, and run the risk of not having invited my young cousins' future spouses.  I'm not trying to pass judgement on their relationships. Honestly no, you wouldn't have made my cutoff at 18 and one year.  At 24 and 7 years, yes you would have.  Invitations involve difficult decisions sometimes but as long as you are not seriously going against etiquette you have to do what is best for your situation.  And I started dating my FI at 24.  If a cousin invited him to a wedding 4 months in, I would not have been offended if he had to go alone.  I'd assume the cousin did not know about me, or simply wasn't doing +1 or BF/GF invites.  A year later and I would have been more bummed out,  but life goes on.  And I'd be bummed because I'm missing a good time, not because I take it as a personal attack or judgement on us or our relationship. 

Liatris2010

Miss Manners says an established relationship. Who establishes the relationship? The people in it of course. If two people say, "We are in a relationship," then there you have it, relationship established and they get a joint invitation.

It really isn't that hard.

Maggie0829

Mitch617 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Maggie0829 it's fine to disagree but some PPs take things to the extreme and act as though choosing not to invite SOs is an etiquette nightmare.  I am inviting couples who are of a certain age and have been together for a while, but not taking 18 as the age where I MUST invite a SO as long as they are "facebook official". 

A few people had talked down on other sources I got my etiquette info from and cited Miss Manners as the real expert, so they may want to know what she says on this.  She's not saying you can't or should not invite other SO's, but pointing out you really don't have to and the guests should be able to manage without them.

So you are basically judging the seriousness of someone else's relationship due to your age and time they have been together cut off line. Well H and I had been together for over a year by the time I was 18. Would we have made the cut or would I have been invited without him? All marriages start somewhere. You and your FI started out the same way everyone else who got married did. How would you feel if someone said to you "oh sorry, I just don't think you two have been together long enough to be deemed in a serious relationship to earn an invite as a couple to my wedding."

I understand that, and run the risk of not having invited my young cousins' future spouses.  I'm not trying to pass judgement on their relationships. Honestly no, you wouldn't have made my cutoff at 18 and one year.  At 24 and 7 years, yes you would have.  Invitations involve difficult decisions sometimes but as long as you are not seriously going against etiquette you have to do what is best for your situation.  And I started dating my FI at 24.  If a cousin invited him to a wedding 4 months in, I would not have been offended if he had to go alone.  I'd assume the cousin did not know about me, or simply wasn't doing +1 or BF/GF invites.  A year later and I would have been more bummed out, but life goes on.

Sorry but that is really fucked up and judgmental.

And how does you going out with your SO for a year at age 24 differ from me going out with my SO for a year at 18. Do you think that people who are younger can't be as serous about relationships as people who are in their mid 20's.

JCbride2015

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

FFS! 18=adult whether still in HS or not. If you are 18 you can legally vote, buy cigarettes and join the military. If you are 18 and still in high school you can still do all of those things because you are considered an adult. It's not like when you go to vote the poll person asks "are you in high school? And if you say yes, they don't turn you away because being high school overrides the fact that you are of adult age. Same when buying cigarettes.  This really not all that hard to understand.

A wedding is a social event. I don't really give a shit if you're old enough to vote or join the military. If you're still in high school, and mommy and daddy are paying for all of your expenses, you're still a kid socially as far as I'm concerned. And you're not getting your own invitation. Maybe I'd invite your SO, maybe not. I'd have to evaluate the situation and decide. ETA: also, can you join the military if you haven't graduated high school? Honest question I have no idea.

Sorry but what I don't get is if you are going to treat an 18 year old as an adult in all other aspects then why not for a wedding.

And I lived with my parents until I was about 24.  They paid for most of my living expenses since I was in school and working part time.  So in that instance since I am an adult but still living off my parents does that mean that I wouldn't be invited separately?

Right.  I think a lot of the nitpicking about exactly where the line is drawn highlights a part of etiquette I've started to understand more recently: you can't treat your guests differently.  It's about not drawing lines or creating divisions.  So, an arbitrary age line at the legal age of majority is the best way to avoid judging your guests' relationships and avoiding decisions such as the one Maggie mentions.  

When I was 18, I'd been with Fi for 2.5 years; I was living at college completely paid for by a scholarship I earned myself, receiving zero financial help from parents, and working a part-time job for all my other needs.  I know plenty of 28 year olds who live in their parents' homes and are still financially dependent on their parents-- and have been in relationships for a couple of years. There's no good way to draw the line between the responsible 18 year old and the mooching 28 year old.  Would you tell the 28 year old guest, you are socially a child because you're part of your parents' household?  Or tell the 18 year old guest, sorry, you're too young for me to take you seriously?  Except for creating the arbitrary line, and the legal age of majority is the best place to draw it.  I would have been really offended as a college student to be treated like a child on my mom's invite to something.