Question about asking a bridesmaid to leave the wedding party

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

If you said no babies, no babies. I have the same request for my wedding. One of my bridesmaids has a 12 year old and she's already trying to play "well what if I can't get a sitter?" I'm pretty sure he can have a sleep over a friends house...or heaven forbid a 12 year old stays home alone for an evening. Being that she's in my wedding party, there's no where for him to go. He's certainly not going to be in the dressing room with us. I won't allow it.

Be prepared for her not to come if she can't get a sitter. And sorry but if I had a 12 year old I would not be leaving them alone for a night without some sort of parental supervision.

Yeah, pretty much this.  It depends on the maturity of the 12 year old, but I probably wouldn't leave one home alone.  Also, I know some of the references are old, but state laws vary on the minimum age of children left home alone: http://www.imom.com/parenting/tikes/parenting/safety/home-alone-rules-by-state/

HisGirlFriday13

ck3455 said:

I am against it, because there will be many baby's under the age of one there then. If I make the exception for one person, I have to for everyone. It may sound bad to some of you, but I don't want crying baby's at my wedding.

*babies. Please. The plural of 'baby' is 'babies.' Not 'baby's.'

lovesclimbing

PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

If you said no babies, no babies. I have the same request for my wedding. One of my bridesmaids has a 12 year old and she's already trying to play "well what if I can't get a sitter?" I'm pretty sure he can have a sleep over a friends house...or heaven forbid a 12 year old stays home alone for an evening. Being that she's in my wedding party, there's no where for him to go. He's certainly not going to be in the dressing room with us. I won't allow it.

Be prepared for her not to come if she can't get a sitter. And sorry but if I had a 12 year old I would not be leaving them alone for a night without some sort of parental supervision.

Yeah, pretty much this.  It depends on the maturity of the 12 year old, but I probably wouldn't leave one home alone.  Also, I know some of the references are old, but state laws vary on the minimum age of children left home alone: http://www.imom.com/parenting/tikes/parenting/safety/home-alone-rules-by-state/

I'm curious why this link was posted?  None of the ages in this link are over 12 except for Illinois, which says 14.  And all the states that do say 12 is the minimum age also say that that is "recommended" not an actual legally required age.

ck3455

People, let me clearify... The bridesmaid will NOT be breast feeding that night. The baby will be bottle fed the night of the wedding, she has decided that. So the baby does not need to be with her for feeding purposes. She has even said, she just wants the baby there.

ck3455

And excuse the grammar or spelling, I have been typing these posts on my phone at work... It auto corrects to what it wants.

ck3455

She said she is willing to use formula as a supplement if she cannot pump since she will be drinking, though she has already started pumping and it has been fine so far.

ck3455

Thank you ladies, for all the feedback. I have tried calling her since yesterday we have been playing phone tag back and forth, so maybe I took the cowards way out, but I sent her an e-mail. I don't really look at it as being cowardly since I have spoken with her about this face to face already. I explained that I am standing firm on this, and yes her daughter and mother are more than welcome to attend the rehearsal dinner and brunch the following morning, but I cannot have them at the ceremony and reception. I explained again to her that I am asking other invited guests to leave their baby at home and that it would be unfair of me to allow one person out of the many to bring their baby. I also expressed that there will be no further discussion on the subject between us, I feel as though I have given her plenty of notice, and I hope she can understand why I feel this way.

kmmssg

I think you handled it well.  I gave birth to 3 babies, breastfed them and returned to work when they were 6 weeks old.   Women do this everyday.  I attended weddings and other events as a breastfeeding mother without my child.

Accomodating her mother and baby at the hotel is more than enough here.  Since she is pumping because she is drinking, that becomes a bit of a non-issue once she starts drinking.

She is used to getting her way as your posts have shown.  She knows who to work and to keep making noise until she gets her way.  It has always worked before and she is banking on it working now.

I think you offered reasonable accomodations for her as a breastfeeding mother.  I hope you will update us when she replies.  I don't think you have been unreasonable at all.

 

artbyallie

I know this is anecdotal, but on the crying front, a baby cried at our wedding and was quickly taken out to the nursery. H and I didn't even hear it in the first place. We had no knowledge that this had taken place until we got our wedding video and the photographer mentioned, "Oh, by the way, I had to cut the sound out for a second because of the crying baby." It is practically unnoticeable even in the video, which we have only watched once anyway.

Jen4948

artbyallie said:

I know this is anecdotal, but on the crying front, a baby cried at our wedding and was quickly taken out to the nursery. H and I didn't even hear it in the first place. We had no knowledge that this had taken place until we got our wedding video and the photographer mentioned, "Oh, by the way, I had to cut the sound out for a second because of the crying baby." It is practically unnoticeable even in the video, which we have only watched once anyway.

How would you have handled things if you or your H could have heard the baby, you couldn't hear each other's vows, and the baby's parent did not quickly remove the baby to the nursery?

I'm just wondering, because I've seen a number of "you'll never notice the baby" assertions, but I've also seen and heard a number of stories where the baby was noticeable and disruptive during the ceremony and nothing was done about removing the baby from the ceremony venue.

doeydo

Jen4948 said:

artbyallie said:

I know this is anecdotal, but on the crying front, a baby cried at our wedding and was quickly taken out to the nursery. H and I didn't even hear it in the first place. We had no knowledge that this had taken place until we got our wedding video and the photographer mentioned, "Oh, by the way, I had to cut the sound out for a second because of the crying baby." It is practically unnoticeable even in the video, which we have only watched once anyway.

How would you have handled things if you or your H could have heard the baby, you couldn't hear each other's vows, and the baby's parent did not quickly remove the baby to the nursery?

I'm just wondering, because I've seen a number of "you'll never notice the baby" assertions, but I've also seen and heard a number of stories where the baby was noticeable and disruptive during the ceremony and nothing was done about removing the baby from the ceremony venue.

I've never been to a wedding with a crying baby during the ceremony, but when I was younger and attended church with my family, I certainly remember hearing crying babies.  Most parents would eventually get the baby out of the room and come back once the baby was fine again, however, for me, it did disrupt the sermon.  

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

artbyallie said:

I know this is anecdotal, but on the crying front, a baby cried at our wedding and was quickly taken out to the nursery. H and I didn't even hear it in the first place. We had no knowledge that this had taken place until we got our wedding video and the photographer mentioned, "Oh, by the way, I had to cut the sound out for a second because of the crying baby." It is practically unnoticeable even in the video, which we have only watched once anyway.

How would you have handled things if you or your H could have heard the baby, you couldn't hear each other's vows, and the baby's parent did not quickly remove the baby to the nursery?

I'm just wondering, because I've seen a number of "you'll never notice the baby" assertions, but I've also seen and heard a number of stories where the baby was noticeable and disruptive during the ceremony and nothing was done about removing the baby from the ceremony venue.

My 18 month old niece started crying the moment my officiant started to preside over our ceremony.  I literally started to laugh. It was just such perfect timing.  In fact, I looked over at my sister/MOH (who is my nieces Mom) and she started laughing as well.  My BIL quickly picked my niece up and took her out into the hallway.  It was neither disruptive or upsetting.

If I was in the position where a baby cried during the entire ceremony and because of that you couldn't really hear our vows on the video, yeah I would be slightly peeved at the parents (not the baby) for not removing their child from the ceremony space.  But at that point, what are you going to do about it?  You can't go back in time and change anything so it would be pointless to waste a ton of time being mad.

ck3455

It is not only the crying it is also the fact that it opens a whole can of worms with every other guest who has a baby or young child. They are not being invited to the wedding and I cannot allow one person and not everyone else. My bridesmaid did not take it well. She called me screing and calling me every swear word in the book. I doubt she will attend the wedding- her choice, which is fine with me because after the names I was called I do not want to speak with her at this point in time.

antoto

ck3455 said:

It is not only the crying it is also the fact that it opens a whole can of worms with every other guest who has a baby or young child. They are not being invited to the wedding and I cannot allow one person and not everyone else. My bridesmaid did not take it well. She called me screing and calling me every swear word in the book. I doubt she will attend the wedding- her choice, which is fine with me because after the names I was called I do not want to speak with her at this point in time.

Well, it kind of was just the crying or else you would just let everyone bring their babies (under 1).  

That's pretty darn immature of her to respond in this way though.

It's kind of nuts that one of your best friends is now no longer your friend at all because of this.  Doesn't really seem worth it, does it?

ck3455

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Maggie0829

I am sorry your friend is being unreasonable.  Her reaction was uncalled for.  It almost sounds like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum because they were refused a cookie.

I think it is fine if you want to have a no kid wedding, no matter the reason.  And you are right, allowing her to bring her baby would mean that you would then have to allow others to bring theirs thus not having the no kid wedding that you want.

At this point, I wouldn't say anything else to her and go along with your planning.  The ball is in her court as to what to do.

ck3455

I'm not. She's begging me to call her back so we can discuss this and come up with a different solution, but I told her in standing firm and I have given many suggestions and am willing to accommodate in the ways I've mentioned above. That I need a day or two after how I was treated and then the ne calling got worse.

PrettyGirlLost

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

ck3455

As I have mentioned before, if I allow one I have to allow them all, which will also be once we start getting into the children that will eat be another $100 per child, and the cost is non negotiable, adding children will make it out of my price range. And to clarify before everyone tells me, I know the babies won't cost anything extra, but if I tell a mother her baby can come, then her 2 or 3 year old has to be allowed and that will cost more money. There is a multitude of reasons behind it, the main one being my fiancé and I want it to be an adult party along with my parents who are footing the bill.

banana468

There's nothing wrong with wanting it to be an adult event. Your BM is completely out of line.

Gizmo813

PrettyGirlLost said:

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

@PrettyGirlLost, I agree with you! People drinking/open bar is a silly reason to not have kids at your wedding. Crying children is also a silly reason, because people should know that crying children should be removed. I, personally, think that children are wonderful to have at a wedding, because they are the result (hopefully) of love, and represent family - two things that weddings celebrate.

That said, the only kids we are inviting to our wedding are the kids of family members. This has nothing to do with alcohol or crying and everything to do with space and cost. We cannot afford to accommodate the children of our friends - we'd have to add 20+ people to our guest list and it would break our budget. 

A cousin got married a couple years ago and specified "adult reception" on the invitation (gasp). My FSIL and the wife of another cousin were nursing mothers. FSIL pumped and bottle-fed her son; however, the cousin was exclusively BF (no bottle, ever), and her husband was in the WP. The B&G refused to accommodate the 4 week old infant. They commented to the mom "why can't you use formula? it's only for one night!" (Which was completely out of line, IMO).  They refused to allow the cousin to use the (very large) bridal suite or another room in the facility as a nursery so that she could BF her baby. They did say that the baby could stay in a room at the hotel with a babysitter and the mom could drive 30minutes back and forth to the hotel every few hours to BF (uhm ... not a solution.) The cousin didn't come, and her husband almost dropped out of the WP because of this. The whole reason was that they didn't want the infant to ruin their wedding video. 

ck3455

I have agreed to pay for hotel accommodations for her mother and the baby, the ceremony/reception is in the same hotel... She has said she wants to pump or use formula for that night regardless because she plans on getting drunk... It would not be difficult for her to slip away for a few minutes to run upstairs to check on her daughter if needed... I believe I am being more than reasonable here. Some may not agree with an adult wedding only, and that is fine... It is your choice, and this is mine along with my fiance's, so I hope people can just at least respect that.

banana468

Gizmo813 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

@PrettyGirlLost, I agree with you! People drinking/open bar is a silly reason to not have kids at your wedding. Crying children is also a silly reason, because people should know that crying children should be removed. I, personally, think that children are wonderful to have at a wedding, because they are the result (hopefully) of love, and represent family - two things that weddings celebrate.

That said, the only kids we are inviting to our wedding are the kids of family members. This has nothing to do with alcohol or crying and everything to do with space and cost. We cannot afford to accommodate the children of our friends - we'd have to add 20+ people to our guest list and it would break our budget. 

A cousin got married a couple years ago and specified "adult reception" on the invitation (gasp). My FSIL and the wife of another cousin were nursing mothers. FSIL pumped and bottle-fed her son; however, the cousin was exclusively BF (no bottle, ever), and her husband was in the WP. The B&G refused to accommodate the 4 week old infant. They commented to the mom "why can't you use formula? it's only for one night!" (Which was completely out of line, IMO).  They refused to allow the cousin to use the (very large) bridal suite or another room in the facility as a nursery so that she could BF her baby. They did say that the baby could stay in a room at the hotel with a babysitter and the mom could drive 30minutes back and forth to the hotel every few hours to BF (uhm ... not a solution.) The cousin didn't come, and her husband almost dropped out of the WP because of this. The whole reason was that they didn't want the infant to ruin their wedding video. 

I totally agree that's a selfish reason but the B & G don't have to accommodate the infant. It's also a bit different since the OP explained that the mom wants to use formula AND this is a much older baby. At 6 mos, a baby does not feed as frequently and may even consume some food. At 4 weeks, even insurance companies put a mom on "disability" . When you say no babies including the 4 week old, you need to understand that one or both parents may not attend. By 6 mos, a working mom is back to work and knows what to do to be away from her little one.

antoto

Gizmo813 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

@PrettyGirlLost, I agree with you! People drinking/open bar is a silly reason to not have kids at your wedding. Crying children is also a silly reason, because people should know that crying children should be removed. I, personally, think that children are wonderful to have at a wedding, because they are the result (hopefully) of love, and represent family - two things that weddings celebrate.

That said, the only kids we are inviting to our wedding are the kids of family members. This has nothing to do with alcohol or crying and everything to do with space and cost. We cannot afford to accommodate the children of our friends - we'd have to add 20+ people to our guest list and it would break our budget. 

A cousin got married a couple years ago and specified "adult reception" on the invitation (gasp). My FSIL and the wife of another cousin were nursing mothers. FSIL pumped and bottle-fed her son; however, the cousin was exclusively BF (no bottle, ever), and her husband was in the WP. The B&G refused to accommodate the 4 week old infant. They commented to the mom "why can't you use formula? it's only for one night!" (Which was completely out of line, IMO).  They refused to allow the cousin to use the (very large) bridal suite or another room in the facility as a nursery so that she could BF her baby. They did say that the baby could stay in a room at the hotel with a babysitter and the mom could drive 30minutes back and forth to the hotel every few hours to BF (uhm ... not a solution.) The cousin didn't come, and her husband almost dropped out of the WP because of this. The whole reason was that they didn't want the infant to ruin their wedding video. 

Yesssss all of this!

My sister will have a 2 month old at my wedding and I am thrilled to have him there and have him in my pictures.  I am allowing her to use my bridal suite to BF whenever she needs (ceremony and reception are at the resort).

tammym1001

ck3455 said:

I have agreed to pay for hotel accommodations for her mother and the baby, the ceremony/reception is in the same hotel... She has said she wants to pump or use formula for that night regardless because she plans on getting drunk... It would not be difficult for her to slip away for a few minutes to run upstairs to check on her daughter if needed... I believe I am being more than reasonable here. Some may not agree with an adult wedding only, and that is fine... It is your choice, and this is mine along with my fiance's, so I hope people can just at least respect that.

You did everything that you could do to accommodate her. Please don't let her or anyone on these boards make you feel like you need to defend yourself for not inviting her baby. She has already said herself that she isn't going to be breastfeeding the baby or pumping for that matter because she plans on getting wasted so that's a complete non-issue. She is being a spoiled brat about this because she's not getting her way, not because she needs her baby to be with her.

ck3455

BM will not be BF that night as she will be drinking, and the baby will be 8 mos by the wedding.

ck3455

And if I start letting everyone bring their children it will cost me another $3000 which I don't have, so all the people calling me selfish.. Do you want to foot the extra $3000?

PrettyGirlLost

ck3455 said:

And if I start letting everyone bring their children it will cost me another $3000 which I don't have, so all the people calling me selfish.. Do you want to foot the extra $3000?

Why do you keep responding and re-posting the same justifications over and over again?  I don't think anyone is criticizing your decision. 

banana468

antoto said:

Gizmo813 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

@PrettyGirlLost, I agree with you! People drinking/open bar is a silly reason to not have kids at your wedding. Crying children is also a silly reason, because people should know that crying children should be removed. I, personally, think that children are wonderful to have at a wedding, because they are the result (hopefully) of love, and represent family - two things that weddings celebrate.

That said, the only kids we are inviting to our wedding are the kids of family members. This has nothing to do with alcohol or crying and everything to do with space and cost. We cannot afford to accommodate the children of our friends - we'd have to add 20+ people to our guest list and it would break our budget. 

A cousin got married a couple years ago and specified "adult reception" on the invitation (gasp). My FSIL and the wife of another cousin were nursing mothers. FSIL pumped and bottle-fed her son; however, the cousin was exclusively BF (no bottle, ever), and her husband was in the WP. The B&G refused to accommodate the 4 week old infant. They commented to the mom "why can't you use formula? it's only for one night!" (Which was completely out of line, IMO).  They refused to allow the cousin to use the (very large) bridal suite or another room in the facility as a nursery so that she could BF her baby. They did say that the baby could stay in a room at the hotel with a babysitter and the mom could drive 30minutes back and forth to the hotel every few hours to BF (uhm ... not a solution.) The cousin didn't come, and her husband almost dropped out of the WP because of this. The whole reason was that they didn't want the infant to ruin their wedding video. 

Yesssss all of this!

My sister will have a 2 month old at my wedding and I am thrilled to have him there and have him in my pictures.  I am allowing her to use my bridal suite to BF whenever she needs (ceremony and reception are at the resort).

I think you missed the part where the OP said the baby won't be nursed per the mom's choice. Also, there is a HUGE difference between a 2 month old and an 8 month old.

ck3455

antoto said:

Gizmo813 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ck3455 said:

No, but this is also my fiances wishes and I can't just tell him to shove it... The reason we came up with this was initially the crying and the fact that it's open bar and people are going to be drinking... But the reason I won't budge with her is fairness to everyone else being told no.

Ok.................................?  So what?  Children can be around people that are drinking.  And just because you are having an open bar doesn't mean that everyone will be belligerent drunk and passing out and puking everywhere.

I'm not saying the OP has to have any kids at her wedding- her prerogative, but this is one of the rationalizations/justifications for child free events that never makes any logical sense to me.

@PrettyGirlLost, I agree with you! People drinking/open bar is a silly reason to not have kids at your wedding. Crying children is also a silly reason, because people should know that crying children should be removed. I, personally, think that children are wonderful to have at a wedding, because they are the result (hopefully) of love, and represent family - two things that weddings celebrate.

That said, the only kids we are inviting to our wedding are the kids of family members. This has nothing to do with alcohol or crying and everything to do with space and cost. We cannot afford to accommodate the children of our friends - we'd have to add 20+ people to our guest list and it would break our budget. 

A cousin got married a couple years ago and specified "adult reception" on the invitation (gasp). My FSIL and the wife of another cousin were nursing mothers. FSIL pumped and bottle-fed her son; however, the cousin was exclusively BF (no bottle, ever), and her husband was in the WP. The B&G refused to accommodate the 4 week old infant. They commented to the mom "why can't you use formula? it's only for one night!" (Which was completely out of line, IMO).  They refused to allow the cousin to use the (very large) bridal suite or another room in the facility as a nursery so that she could BF her baby. They did say that the baby could stay in a room at the hotel with a babysitter and the mom could drive 30minutes back and forth to the hotel every few hours to BF (uhm ... not a solution.) The cousin didn't come, and her husband almost dropped out of the WP because of this. The whole reason was that they didn't want the infant to ruin their wedding video. 

Yesssss all of this!

My sister will have a 2 month old at my wedding and I am thrilled to have him there and have him in my pictures.  I am allowing her to use my bridal suite to BF whenever she needs (ceremony and reception are at the resort).

So yes, people are telling me that I'm in the wrong for not allowing children, and the world selfish was used.