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Question about asking a bridesmaid to leave the wedding party

ck3455ck3455 member
Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Party
I have posted here on this subject before, mainly venting about a bridesmaid I have been butting heads with. She has been one of my good friends for 14 years now, we have known each other since high school. When I got engaged I immediately asked her to be a bridesmaid. A couple of months later she shared with me that she was four months pregnant and will be giving birth in the middle of December. This was great news, but also meant that at the time of my wedding she will have a 6 month old baby. My fiancé and I are not having children at our wedding, we have had to tell many family members who will all have children under the ages of 1 years old at the time of the wedding that their baby's are not invited. I reminded my bridesmaid of this, and she is demanding I allow her to bring her daughter because she will be breast feeding at the time and has also demanded that I invite her mother to the wedding and has stated that her infant daughter will be in my formal pictures. I have tried speaking to her about this, but she believes she should be an exception over everyone else. I have thought about this long and hard. I understand that the baby needs to come for the weekend since she lives in Boston and the wedding is in Connecticut, but her daughter and mother will not be invited to the ceremony and reception. She keeps dismissing me and believes I will just budge and let her have her way. I would like to be able to tactfully ask her to step down as a bridesmaid, I am just not sure of how to go about it and what to say. She is a very demanding person and has always been the type of person who gets her way or will just scream at you until she gets her way. She and I had spoken about leaving her daughter home for my dress shopping. She screamed at me but complied for the first day of it, then when I was in the fitting room went over my head and spoke to my mother about it, thus wearing my mother down and getting her approval for the second day. (My mother did not want the baby there either) I am just not exactly sure what to say or how to say it, I am a very non confrontational person and she is the opposite.
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Re: Question about asking a bridesmaid to leave the wedding party

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    ck3455 said:
    I have posted here on this subject before, mainly venting about a bridesmaid I have been butting heads with. She has been one of my good friends for 14 years now, we have known each other since high school. When I got engaged I immediately asked her to be a bridesmaid. A couple of months later she shared with me that she was four months pregnant and will be giving birth in the middle of December. This was great news, but also meant that at the time of my wedding she will have a 6 month old baby. My fiancé and I are not having children at our wedding, we have had to tell many family members who will all have children under the ages of 1 years old at the time of the wedding that their baby's are not invited. I reminded my bridesmaid of this, and she is demanding I allow her to bring her daughter because she will be breast feeding at the time and has also demanded that I invite her mother to the wedding and has stated that her infant daughter will be in my formal pictures. I have tried speaking to her about this, but she believes she should be an exception over everyone else. I have thought about this long and hard. I understand that the baby needs to come for the weekend since she lives in Boston and the wedding is in Connecticut, but her daughter and mother will not be invited to the ceremony and reception. She keeps dismissing me and believes I will just budge and let her have her way. I would like to be able to tactfully ask her to step down as a bridesmaid, I am just not sure of how to go about it and what to say. She is a very demanding person and has always been the type of person who gets her way or will just scream at you until she gets her way. She and I had spoken about leaving her daughter home for my dress shopping. She screamed at me but complied for the first day of it, then when I was in the fitting room went over my head and spoke to my mother about it, thus wearing my mother down and getting her approval for the second day. (My mother did not want the baby there either) I am just not exactly sure what to say or how to say it, I am a very non confrontational person and she is the opposite.
    You say, "Friend, my wedding is more important than our friendship, and I have decided I don't want your friendship anymore, and you are no longer in my wedding party." 

     
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    So I'm supposed to say her and her daughter are more important than everyone else's children?
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    No, no, of course not. I am just in the camp of making exceptions for breastfeeding babies. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    There are many other young baby's that are not invited. Their parents may or may not be able to make it due to that. My fiancé and I along with our parents do not want 10 plus baby's under a year old at the wedding. We have had to exclude our nieces and nephews even and others are making arrangements. She anticipates getting drunk that night anyway so she will not be breast feeding that night. Which is why she wants her mother there, so she can get "wasted" her words, not mine.
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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    The dress shopping was this past weekend. Which, side note, I did find a dress! It is what I keep hearing, that it will end the friendship, which isn't what I want... But I can't give her the go ahead to bring her daughter and not everyone else. That's why I am so torn.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If you're not going to accommodate her baby no matter what, you can stay firm: "Friend, I'm sorry, but I've told you repeatedly we cannot and will not accommodate your baby at our wedding."

    It's rude of her to demand that you accommodate her, but it's also rude of you to want her to step down just because she has a baby-or at least, if you do, you're going to lose her friendship. 
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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    I want her to stand up there with me, I just do not see any way around it, because there is no compromise and she will not listen when I tell her I cannot and will not accommodate the baby or her mother at the ceremony/reception. They have both been invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch the following morning at the hotel.
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    manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    ck3455 said:
    I want her to stand up there with me, I just do not see any way around it, because there is no compromise and she will not listen when I tell her I cannot and will not accommodate the baby or her mother at the ceremony/reception. They have both been invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch the following morning at the hotel.
    Here's the thing then. You two are at an impasse. You refuse to allow breastfeeding babies; she refuses to not be able to bring her child. 

    I think you have to decide which matters more to you - her friendship (because yes, kicking her out is friendship-ending) or having a childless wedding.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    ck3455 said:
    I want her to stand up there with me, I just do not see any way around it, because there is no compromise and she will not listen when I tell her I cannot and will not accommodate the baby or her mother at the ceremony/reception. They have both been invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch the following morning at the hotel.
    Then make your venue aware of this.  Have people get their names checked off a list prior to them entering the reception space.  If their name is not on the list, they can't enter.  And while I can understand why you have decided to accomodate the baby and mom at the RD and brunch, your friend thinks she can pester you into the wedding because you have already made accomodations for her.  That is why you should call her and explicitly state that no more accomodations are going to be made for her.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Jen4948 said:
    If you're not going to accommodate her baby no matter what, you can stay firm: "Friend, I'm sorry, but I've told you repeatedly we cannot and will not accommodate your baby at our wedding."

    It's rude of her to demand that you accommodate her, but it's also rude of you to want her to step down just because she has a baby-or at least, if you do, you're going to lose her friendship. 
    This. She is indeed being overly demanding of you and out of line, and if you want to stand firm, that's certainly within your rights. You just need to be prepared to end this friendship. 

    Amend my earlier response to something like, "Friend, your baby and your mother are not invited to our wedding. If this is not acceptable to you, then I understand, and we will miss you." The ball will, of course be in her court on whether or not to end the friendship. I was kicked out of a family member's wedding once, and it ended our relationship for a few years. We eventually patched things up, but then she pulled new shit and we no longer speak again.  You'll just have to see what happens, I guess. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I remember your first post and I agreed that her demanding what she has was rude of her.  I also thought that you compromised a lot with her in regards to inviting her mother and daughter to both the rehearsal and the day after brunch.

    I understand posters saying that breast feeding moms are the exception to the rule but I know many Moms who breast feed and work or go out on the weekends without their child or what not.  Now I know that breast feeding is different from one woman to another and you can never know how well or how bad it can be but seeing as the Mother and daughter will be in the same location as the wedding but just not in the actual reception room then I think that is a good compromise. Mom can still leave to go nurse her child and then head back down to the reception once done.

    As for the dress shopping, I really wouldn't have died on the "you can't bring your child" hill because it really wouldn't have been that big of a deal.

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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    The dress shopping ended up being just fine. I was more frustrated with that because she and I had spoken about it an she agreed to have her mom watch the baby, I even changed the appointments so it would work with her feeding schedule, and then behind my back she went to my mom so she could get her way. Had I known at the time of asking her to be a bridesmaid that she was already pregnant, I wouldn't have asked her because of the issues we have been having. She would have just been invited as a guest and if she couldn't make it, I would have understood. I understand what some people are saying about breast feeding, but she will not be breast feeding the day of the wedding and if I make an exception for her then I have to make everyone else an exception. I have to draw the line somewhere.
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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    She fully intends on pumping for the day of the wedding because she plans on getting drunk at the wedding, which is why she wants her mother to come so she can watch the baby. She is demanding that both be invited to the wedding though, whereas I have accommodated and said they will both be invited to the rehearsal dinner and the morning after, but they are not invited to the wedding.
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    Alexandrathgr8Alexandrathgr8 member
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    If she is planning on pumping there is no reason for her to have to have the baby at the wedding. Period. Tell her no, and if she throws a fit then its obvious she is is making the choice not to be in your wedding.
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    antotoantoto member
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    Gosh... most babies feed every 2- 3 hours for around 1/2 hour.  Are you okay knowing that your friend will have to leave every few hours for a while at a time?  I would feel so bad asking my friend to do that.  I am surprised that you don't make an exception for all breast feeding babies.  Why are you so against it?

    It's totally weird that she is trying to get her mother invited. 
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    antotoantoto member
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    Pumping is difficult for many women - some may not even be able to do it.
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    ck3455ck3455 member
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    I am against it, because there will be many baby's under the age of one there then. If I make the exception for one person, I have to for everyone. It may sound bad to some of you, but I don't want crying baby's at my wedding.
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    antotoantoto member
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    I will have 3 babies under the age of 1 at my ceremony or reception.  Their fathers know that if baby starts getting upset they will stand up and walk away quietly.  

    I mean if potentially having a baby cry at your wedding is like a huge deal for you then, you know, stand up for yourself.  Just make sure that is really a big enough deal to end a friendship.
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    ck3455ck3455 member
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    And that was something that was decided well before I knew she was even pregnant, which she has always been aware of... So it is nothing personal against her.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    antoto said:

    Gosh... most babies feed every 2- 3 hours for around 1/2 hour.  Are you okay knowing that your friend will have to leave every few hours for a while at a time?  I would feel so bad asking my friend to do that.  I am surprised that you don't make an exception for all breast feeding babies.  Why are you so against it?


    It's totally weird that she is trying to get her mother invited. 
    Her friend will most likely leave the area or sit in the back while she is feeding so there really isn't much difference if the baby is there or up in a room with her grandmother. It isn't like this friend is going to be out on the dance floor with a kid sucking on her boob. Also this friend is supposedly going to pump so she can drink so she wouldn't even be breast feeding the baby that night but rather giving the kid a bottle.

    OP listen to HisGirlFriday. I think you have compromised well and if your friend isn't willing to accept your offers then it will be on her to decide what she is going to do.

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    ck3455ck3455 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    If I agree to everyone, then we will have to say yes to the people from out of town to bring their toddlers, because I can't ask all of them to find child care, especially when we are allowing some Children but then the parents still need child care for the baby's 2 year old sibling, etc... It just opens up a whole can of worms which I don't have space on the guest list for or want to deal with so many other peoples frustration. Out of our 150 guest list, she is the only one with an issue with our wishes.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    PDKH said:
    ck3455 said:
    I want her to stand up there with me, I just do not see any way around it, because there is no compromise and she will not listen when I tell her I cannot and will not accommodate the baby or her mother at the ceremony/reception. They have both been invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch the following morning at the hotel.
    Here's the thing then. You two are at an impasse. You refuse to allow breastfeeding babies; she refuses to not be able to bring her child. 

    I think you have to decide which matters more to you - her friendship (because yes, kicking her out is friendship-ending) or having a childless wedding.
    This^

    Also, be prepared for your friend to drop out of the wedding party on her own and decline to attend the OOT wedding if she can't bring her breastfeeding infant with her.

    It won't be her calling your bluff or declining in spite, it just might not be logistically feasible for her to attend without her child.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    antotoantoto member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    Gosh... most babies feed every 2- 3 hours for around 1/2 hour.  Are you okay knowing that your friend will have to leave every few hours for a while at a time?  I would feel so bad asking my friend to do that.  I am surprised that you don't make an exception for all breast feeding babies.  Why are you so against it?

    It's totally weird that she is trying to get her mother invited. 
    Her friend will most likely leave the area or sit in the back while she is feeding so there really isn't much difference if the baby is there or up in a room with her grandmother. It isn't like this friend is going to be out on the dance floor with a kid sucking on her boob. Also this friend is supposedly going to pump so she can drink so she wouldn't even be breast feeding the baby that night but rather giving the kid a bottle. OP listen to HisGirlFriday. I think you have compromised well and if your friend isn't willing to accept your offers then it will be on her to decide what she is going to do.
    This depends.  If she is having her ceremony and reception inside of the hotel, then it wouldn't be too bad!  But if it is not at the hotel then she will have to drive to a different location, feed, then drive back.
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    logana1logana1 member
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    If you said no babies, no babies. I have the same request for my wedding. One of my bridesmaids has a 12 year old and she's already trying to play "well what if I can't get a sitter?" I'm pretty sure he can have a sleep over a friends house...or heaven forbid a 12 year old stays home alone for an evening. Being that she's in my wedding party, there's no where for him to go. He's certainly not going to be in the dressing room with us. I won't allow it.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    antoto said:


    Maggie0829 said:

    antoto said:

    Gosh... most babies feed every 2- 3 hours for around 1/2 hour.  Are you okay knowing that your friend will have to leave every few hours for a while at a time?  I would feel so bad asking my friend to do that.  I am surprised that you don't make an exception for all breast feeding babies.  Why are you so against it?


    It's totally weird that she is trying to get her mother invited. 
    Her friend will most likely leave the area or sit in the back while she is feeding so there really isn't much difference if the baby is there or up in a room with her grandmother. It isn't like this friend is going to be out on the dance floor with a kid sucking on her boob. Also this friend is supposedly going to pump so she can drink so she wouldn't even be breast feeding the baby that night but rather giving the kid a bottle.

    OP listen to HisGirlFriday. I think you have compromised well and if your friend isn't willing to accept your offers then it will be on her to decide what she is going to do.

    This depends.  If she is having her ceremony and reception inside of the hotel, then it wouldn't be too bad!  But if it is not at the hotel then she will have to drive to a different location, feed, then drive back.

    I believe in a previous post on a different board her wedding was taking place in the hotel in which the baby and grandmother would be staying so the friend could go to the room as needed. Hence why it is not a necessity for the baby to attend the wedding.

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    logana1 said:

    If you said no babies, no babies. I have the same request for my wedding. One of my bridesmaids has a 12 year old and she's already trying to play "well what if I can't get a sitter?" I'm pretty sure he can have a sleep over a friends house...or heaven forbid a 12 year old stays home alone for an evening. Being that she's in my wedding party, there's no where for him to go. He's certainly not going to be in the dressing room with us. I won't allow it.

    Be prepared for her not to come if she can't get a sitter. And sorry but if I had a 12 year old I would not be leaving them alone for a night without some sort of parental supervision.

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    doeydodoeydo member
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    You have a right to not invite children or babies to your wedding.  She is being rude, IMO, by demanding you invite her child and her mother.  I would say to your BM what HisGirlFriday13 said above, however, just realize that that might mean that she backs out of the wedding herself.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    If you said no babies, no babies. I have the same request for my wedding. One of my bridesmaids has a 12 year old and she's already trying to play "well what if I can't get a sitter?" I'm pretty sure he can have a sleep over a friends house...or heaven forbid a 12 year old stays home alone for an evening. Being that she's in my wedding party, there's no where for him to go. He's certainly not going to be in the dressing room with us. I won't allow it.
    Be prepared for her not to come if she can't get a sitter. And sorry but if I had a 12 year old I would not be leaving them alone for a night without some sort of parental supervision.
    Yeah, pretty much this.  It depends on the maturity of the 12 year old, but I probably wouldn't leave one home alone.  Also, I know some of the references are old, but state laws vary on the minimum age of children left home alone: http://www.imom.com/parenting/tikes/parenting/safety/home-alone-rules-by-state/

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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