Asked to be a "hostess"...please tell me I'm not crazy.

sarahufl

Here is the thing, though. I HAVE had friends offer to do work the day of. Plenty of them. I am politely thanking them and refusing their offer. I don't want my guests who spent good money on plane tickets, dresses and hotels to be doing labor the day of!

JeeGooDowster

You're not crazy.

ChellaTims

I think it might be a regional and/or demographic/cultural tradition, if you could call it a tradition. I'm in Alabama and I've heard about wedding hostesses twice in the last 2 or 3 years. I was confused then shocked because the hostesses in the two weddings actually contributed money to help fund the wedding. I think it's similar to a host or hostess for a quinceanera. It was explained to me that being a hostess is a very high honor and it shows the hostess's significance in the brides/couples life. If you couldn't contribute, you weren't a hostess. If I remember correctly it was something that both ladies had set money aside for when the bride had reached dating age or when she met the groom. Both ladies were very involved in the brides life from birth due to one being an older cousin of a bride and the other being the godmother of the other bride. I'm going to go ask my coworker just to make sure I'm right though.

ChellaTims

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

 

photokitty

ChellaTims said:

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.

Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???

Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them.

ChellaTims

 

photokitty said:

ChellaTims said:

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.

Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???

Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them.

Have you ever been to Southern wedding? Weddings here are akin to gala events or a formal ball perhaps. It's not something to "catch on" because it's been a tradition for a very long time. I'm marrying the most wonderful man who happens to be from Wisconsin and there are a lot of differences especially with how formal weddings are here in the South. It's up to the bride to ask if whomever would do her the honor of being a host/hostess on her wedding day. My coworker said that the last wedding she was that she was one of 12 hostesses and the last wedding she attending had 20 hostesses. The hostesses aren't really "guest" but part of the bridal party. I don't see how that would be putting your wedding guest in to a caste system. The bride doesn't ask for money, the hostesses just give it.

Inkdancer

ChellaTims said:

 

photokitty said:

ChellaTims said:

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.

Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???

Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them.

Have you ever been to Southern wedding? Weddings here are akin to gala events or a formal ball perhaps. It's not something to "catch on" because it's been a tradition for a very long time. I'm marrying the most wonderful man who happens to be from Wisconsin and there are a lot of differences especially with how formal weddings are here in the South. It's up to the bride to ask if whomever would do her the honor of being a host/hostess on her wedding day. My coworker said that the last wedding she was that she was one of 12 hostesses and the last wedding she attending had 20 hostesses. The hostesses aren't really "guest" but part of the bridal party. I don't see how that would be putting your wedding guest in to a caste system. The bride doesn't ask for money, the hostesses just give it.

I'm a born and bred Southern girl and I have never heard of hostesses before. It might be more localized than just the South in general.

photokitty

ChellaTims said:   photokitty said: ChellaTims said: I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day. Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.
Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???
Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them. Have you ever been to Southern wedding? Weddings here are akin to gala events or a formal ball perhaps. It's not something to "catch on" because it's been a tradition for a very long time. I'm marrying the most wonderful man who happens to be from Wisconsin and there are a lot of differences especially with how formal weddings are here in the South. It's up to the bride to ask if whomever would do her the honor of being a host/hostess on her wedding day. My coworker said that the last wedding she was that she was one of 12 hostesses and the last wedding she attending had 20 hostesses. The hostesses aren't really "guest" but part of the bridal party. I don't see how that would be putting your wedding guest in to a caste system. The bride doesn't ask for money, the hostesses just give it.
ChellaTims said: I think it might be a regional and/or demographic/cultural tradition, if you could call it a tradition. I'm in Alabama and I've heard about wedding hostesses twice in the last 2 or 3 years. I was confused then shocked because the hostesses in the two weddings actually contributed money to help fund the wedding. I think it's similar to a host or hostess for a quinceanera. It was explained to me that being a hostess is a very high honor and it shows the hostess's significance in the brides/couples life. If you couldn't contribute, you weren't a hostess. If I remember correctly it was something that both ladies had set money aside for when the bride had reached dating age or when she met the groom. Both ladies were very involved in the brides life from birth due to one being an older cousin of a bride and the other being the godmother of the other bride. I'm going to go ask my coworker just to make sure I'm right though.
----------------------------------------------------
The bride is shaking people down for money. You should never ask people to contribute to your wedding. It doesn't matter what region you live in this is rude. If the hostess couldn't contribute, she wouldn't be a hostess - as you stated, then the bride is in fact asking for money.

Th wedding can be akin to a gala event, but it shouldn't have people you have asked to donate to the event as if your wedding is a charity event or fundraising gala. I have never heard of this "tradition" despite having Southern family and being on these boards for awhile.

PS - I'm not attacking you, but the idea.

eta- why won't the friggin' quote boxes work???

MGP

I just posted a new thread about the opposite problem - being demanded to dress like a bridesmaid when I am not one.  Anyone who can give some some advice about that I would appreciate it!

People are crazy pants all the way around these days!

ChellaTims

@ PhotoKitty; I don't think the bride ask for money (that's beyond bad manners) but I could imagine a few momma's, aunts and lil ole church ladies that would expect it if not demand it. It's not something that I've ever seen nor have I ever heard of it but I can understand where the concept comes from. Besides some people I personally know that want to appear as if they are one of "the elite" would pay a good bit of money and put on a overly gracious show just to appear as if they were something special. My coworker also laughed and said that sometimes is the unruly, loud or crazy pants friends and family members that the bride ask to be a host/hostess so that they have to maintain some sort of self control and hopefully they will be to busy being gracious to overly indulge or start drama. I personally would pay a good bit have my crazy pants sister and oldest niece in that sort of position so that I wouldn't have to wonder just what in the hell they're getting into or what drama they may be staging. Oh I would pay a good bit for that peace of mind on my wedding day!

MyNameIsNot

Inkdancer said:

ChellaTims said:

 

photokitty said:

ChellaTims said:

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.

Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???

Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them.

Have you ever been to Southern wedding? Weddings here are akin to gala events or a formal ball perhaps. It's not something to "catch on" because it's been a tradition for a very long time. I'm marrying the most wonderful man who happens to be from Wisconsin and there are a lot of differences especially with how formal weddings are here in the South. It's up to the bride to ask if whomever would do her the honor of being a host/hostess on her wedding day. My coworker said that the last wedding she was that she was one of 12 hostesses and the last wedding she attending had 20 hostesses. The hostesses aren't really "guest" but part of the bridal party. I don't see how that would be putting your wedding guest in to a caste system. The bride doesn't ask for money, the hostesses just give it.

I'm a born and bred Southern girl and I have never heard of hostesses before. It might be more localized than just the South in general.

This.  We don't do that shit in Georgia.  The southern ladies would be clutching their pearls like crazy.  

amakayeb

Apparently, in the rural area that my fiance is from, you have hosts (1-2 people) that act as point people for things that come up throughout the day. I was told this is a very large honor. I think in areas like this, many people would think you were ridiculous for paying someone to do something that a friend could help with. (Not saying it actually is, just that is how it seems to me that people up there might see it.) Seeing as my fiance really cared about this, and there are several other 'traditions' that I have put my foot down on (tiered reception anyone?), I decided it wasn't a huge deal. We won't have a lot of things that will need to be done, anyway. So we asked some longtime family friends/neighbors of him and his parents. There is no special dress code or anything, though.

crunchymamaof2

ugh, I'm sorry but that's ridiculous. If someone WANTS to contribute financially to someone's wedding, WANTS to dress the bride, WANTS to take on boring jobs like the guestbook then fine. Be my guest. But a bride and groom should never ask or expect a friend or family member to act like a personal attendant or DOC.

 

To update my original post- the bride in question has lost her shit. Another woman commented on how crappy this honor was and I pointed out to her how what she described is a personal attendant (thanks to you guys for reminding me!) and asked how on earth she chose which friends were good enough to be bridesmaids and which (of the 3 she has!) got to be the butt wiper. Her response was lovely.

"First of all, before you go around using terms such as 'slave labor' I need you to know what it actually means and the history behind it. Would you like it better if I had stated Program Attendant or Guestbook Attendant? Do me a favor go back and read MY initial post because if you had read it completely in the first place you would see why YOUR comments are out of place. I NEVER stated that a Hostess was an 'Honorary Bridesmaid'; I NEVER stated that I was making someone go and buy a dress or buy a replacement dress. What I DID state was that I wanted my hostesses to wear yellow and although I may want her to buy another dress, (and I quote) 'that would not be right." As I stated before my fh and I have friends and family that love and care about us that would love to contribute to our day, whether it is to attend, be in the wedding party, or extend their services. So don't lash out at me because I have individuals that are willing to lend their services and help to me for no change. Again if you had READ my posting, you would have read my statement about being a hostess at other weddings. Don't make comments on things that you are not familiar with or understand. I have never viewed or interpreted my role as a hostess as 'free labor' or not being worthy enough for the title of BM, instead I was honored and pleased to be a part of the wedding party. And if someone asks me to be a Hostess in their wedding again, I will say 'Gladly, what do you want me to wear?' Excuse the hell out of me if I want my hostess to shine and stand out just as my BM and GM will. They are just as important as other members of my wedding party. And if you had READ my posting you would have noticed that I NEVER considered them lesser then other members. They are the backbone of my wedding; they are brining my vision to life. Because I am not paying them and they are this for free, makes me wrong, really? READ WHAT I SAID. THE END."

 

she's a loose canon. Face palm. I wish she came on here. A guestbook doesn't need to be managed and the guys not having socks won't ruin the wedding. She's too wrapped up in it being HER GODDAMN DAY AND I'LL DO WHATEVER I PLEASE" to realize how lucky she is that she has friends that are willing to do such shit jobs. Give them a fricken break about what dress they wear. Christ.

jdluvr06

Inkdancer said:

ChellaTims said:

 

photokitty said:

ChellaTims said:

I got a little more info now. Money issue first; all of the hostesses put in an amount, usually over $25, to either buy the couple a gift they want, pay a bill off for the couple or just give them cash to contribute to the wedding or whatever the couple would like. Host/Hostess duties; the hostesses can either be greeters, servers, ushers but the main duty is to take care of anything and everything the bride/groom needs so that the day will go smooth and worry free. At the reception the hosts/hostesses usually walk in to the reception before the bridesmaids so that they are recognized and honored for their contribution towards the wedding day and they are usually first so that they can get to their station/area if they are serving or assisting the guests during the reception. I also asked about the hostess getting her dress in the same color as the bridesmaids and I was told that the hostess was beyond rude and that if she didn't have the color changed she shouldn't be involved on the wedding day.

Good grief…this sounds like hosts for a gala or charity fundraiser. I have never heard of this and hope it doesn't catch on.

Do they solicit these people or do people just step and and say - Yo! I'd like to be a big deal at your wedding, wear what you tell me and pay for some of it???

Seriously it sounds like a way of putting your guests in to a caste system so you can get more money out of them.

Have you ever been to Southern wedding? Weddings here are akin to gala events or a formal ball perhaps. It's not something to "catch on" because it's been a tradition for a very long time. I'm marrying the most wonderful man who happens to be from Wisconsin and there are a lot of differences especially with how formal weddings are here in the South. It's up to the bride to ask if whomever would do her the honor of being a host/hostess on her wedding day. My coworker said that the last wedding she was that she was one of 12 hostesses and the last wedding she attending had 20 hostesses. The hostesses aren't really "guest" but part of the bridal party. I don't see how that would be putting your wedding guest in to a caste system. The bride doesn't ask for money, the hostesses just give it.

I'm a born and bred Southern girl and I have never heard of hostesses before. It might be more localized than just the South in general.

I live as north as you can get and still be considered the south (northern Kentucky) so maybe I'm out of the loop but I have never heard of this. Ever.

APDSS22

So, what I'm getting from reading this post is that being a hostess was originally a thing for old time friends of the family or godparents to actually help be hosts or hostesses of the reception with all that entails but for some reason it's eroded into something resembling slave labor for super special "it's all about ME" brides?  I'm not sure how I feel about the former use of the term but forcing someone to wear a certain color (especially one as universally unflattering as yellow) and run around "attending the guest book" (I've never seen one walk off btw) and making sure the groomsmen are dressed and show up to the church on time sounds like something that should never happen.  Even a DOC gets to pick their own outfit for goodness sake even if they're getting paid to do the rest.

HaileyDancingbear

My rule of thumb is that if you would otherwise have to pay someone money to do it, it is not an "Honor" and you shouldn't expect anyone other than a paid employee to do it.  

It sounds like the bridezilla in the op is basically telling her friends to be servants for free.  What an honor.  I'll bet her closer friends got the honor of wiping her ass for her so she doesn't mess up her manicure.  

MrsDeRuyter87

So let me get this straight...PEOPLE PAY THE BRIDE AND GROOM TO BE ASKED TO BE WEDDING SLAVES? I mean that is what we are saying here right? people pay to have this "honor"?

RebeccaB88

Every single Southern woman I know would rather drink unsweet tea for the rest of her life than ask someone to do a shit job like a hostess. Never mind the whole ridiculous color crap. I mean, yellow makes some people look positively sallow...

Honey, in the South we HIRE people to do that stuff.