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Etiquette

You are not a bridesmaid, but I demand that you dress like one. . .

Hi ladies - thought my days of wedding drama were over.  I was wrong!  Here's a situation I have dealt with all week and at this point it is friendship ending.  Please tell me what you think.  I am open to any answers and opinions, not trying to validate my choice.  Here's the deal:

A good friend of mine asked me to be in her "house party" for her wedding.  I have previously commented on here that B list friend jobs are BS, and against my own advice I accepted.  She has been a good friend for over 15 years and quite honestly I was relieved about not taking on bridesmaid duties or expense.  She said I have been a good friend to her but she had to include family this time around (this is her second marriage) and that she still wanted to include me.

48 hours later she created a FB page with a laundry list of demands including various polls about where to go for the bachelorette party, weekly craft nights to make decor, an invite for her self hosted engagement party, and her demands on what we needed to wear.  I clarified that the dress requests were for bridesmaids AND house party and she said "yes".  Oh,  Hell.  No.  Additionally come to find out not only did she have family as bridesmaids she had asked 4 other girls in our "friend group" to be bridesmaids.  I was floored.  Realizing I have to exit this train wreck ASAP, I emailed her and respectfully declined the offer.
My other friends are caught in the middle of this, and while they are going along with most of this crap they feel I had some valid points.  1) she lied about the rest of the bridal party to "sell" me into this BS role and make me feel special and 2) it is inappropriate to ask that I dress like a bridesmaid if I am not a bridesmaid.  I was an adult, picked up the phone, and called the Bridezilla.  It did not end well.

Short recap:
"I am offended you are asking me to dress like a bridesmaid when I am not a bridesmaid.  It's the principle of it and a slap in the face"
"Well I am offended you are not doing what I am asking you to do.  My wedding coordinator said it was a good idea.  It's MY DAY and if that's how I want you to dress that's what you have to do."
"You can make whatever demands you want, however I can also choose not to participate"
"You are a horrible friend and a selfish bitch who always makes things about you.  This is MY DAY.  Glad we can part ways now so I have more room for REAL FRIENDS in my wedding"
"You are a self serving bitch who tried to swindle me into this grunt work job for you and I saw through your shadiness"

Did I mention we are in our mid 30's and have children?  I felt like we were back in our college days, or better yet high school.

So my questions to you are:
1) has anyone EVER heard of and/or does etiquette state that house party needs to match the bridesmaids?
2) what would you have done in my situation?
ashleyepSP29
«1

Re: You are not a bridesmaid, but I demand that you dress like one. . .

  • MGP said:
    Hi ladies - thought my days of wedding drama were over.  I was wrong!  Here's a situation I have dealt with all week and at this point it is friendship ending.  Please tell me what you think.  I am open to any answers and opinions, not trying to validate my choice.  Here's the deal:

    A good friend of mine asked me to be in her "house party" for her wedding.  I have previously commented on here that B list friend jobs are BS, and against my own advice I accepted.  She has been a good friend for over 15 years and quite honestly I was relieved about not taking on bridesmaid duties or expense.  She said I have been a good friend to her but she had to include family this time around (this is her second marriage) and that she still wanted to include me.

    48 hours later she created a FB page with a laundry list of demands including various polls about where to go for the bachelorette party, weekly craft nights to make decor, an invite for her self hosted engagement party, and her demands on what we needed to wear.  I clarified that the dress requests were for bridesmaids AND house party and she said "yes".  Oh,  Hell.  No.  Additionally come to find out not only did she have family as bridesmaids she had asked 4 other girls in our "friend group" to be bridesmaids.  I was floored.  Realizing I have to exit this train wreck ASAP, I emailed her and respectfully declined the offer.
    My other friends are caught in the middle of this, and while they are going along with most of this crap they feel I had some valid points.  1) she lied about the rest of the bridal party to "sell" me into this BS role and make me feel special and 2) it is inappropriate to ask that I dress like a bridesmaid if I am not a bridesmaid.  I was an adult, picked up the phone, and called the Bridezilla.  It did not end well.

    Short recap:
    "I am offended you are asking me to dress like a bridesmaid when I am not a bridesmaid.  It's the principle of it and a slap in the face"
    "Well I am offended you are not doing what I am asking you to do.  My wedding coordinator said it was a good idea.  It's MY DAY and if that's how I want you to dress that's what you have to do."
    "You can make whatever demands you want, however I can also choose not to participate"
    "You are a horrible friend and a selfish bitch who always makes things about you.  This is MY DAY.  Glad we can part ways now so I have more room for REAL FRIENDS in my wedding"
    "You are a self serving bitch who tried to swindle me into this grunt work job for you and I saw through your shadiness"

    Did I mention we are in our mid 30's and have children?  I felt like we were back in our college days, or better yet high school.

    So my questions to you are:
    1) has anyone EVER heard of and/or does etiquette state that house party needs to match the bridesmaids?
    2) what would you have done in my situation?
    1) Since house parties go against etiquette I don't think that the people swindled into them should them have to shell out money for matching attire.

    2) In your situation I probably would have reacted the same way, especially after finding out that the bride lied to me.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary 
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostchibiyuiRebeccaB88
  • Ditto JoanE2012 - I've never heard of a "house party" and it sound like bs to me. I think you were in the right.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostlizybeffRebeccaB88
  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2014
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Well if you Google "house party" there is not much info.  Why?  Because it's a BS job for the most part.  Handing out programs, guest book, gift table, etc.  When Google told me I may be called upon to serve cake, I ran for the hills.

    My understanding is that it's kind of Southern/Texas rooted.  Basically for a young girl who wants to include a bunch of sorority sisters and can't make tough decisions.  This is NOT the case in this situation.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    kristbot said:
    Thanks for the link!  

    So basically it's hired help.  How nice of the bride to give her friends these crappy jobs.  And on top of it, they have to wear a uniform.  OP - You did the right thing.
    Amyzen83Blue_Bird
  • I would have done the same thing you did. I'm sorry a ring turned your friend into a monster.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostMaryGraceRich
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    YES! I love when an opportunity to pull out the thread that launched the newbiverse attacks on me arises! Thank you. Kristibot! Hahahaha! OP, fuck that noise. Run far, far from that friend,
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomRebeccaB88
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
    You did absolutely the right thing.  You will feel like a different person soon because you have shed such a toxic relationship.  I think you will find that shortly after this wedding, some of those other girls will slowly start to back away as well.
    PrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • Looks like you hav a free weekend to go on a date with your honey or a family outting! Looks like you' dodged a major bullet! Too bad your other house party friends are such pushovers!
    Blue_Bird
  • Oh holy effing crap. What the what?? Count yourself lucky to be out of the crazy now -- it's bound to get worse.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    1)  the only time I've heard of a house party is when Jenna Bush got married.  Her girls had special dresses also.  I didn't get it then and I don't get it now.

    2)  I would have simply declined being in the house party saying that I didn't have the time  needed to devote to "help" with her special day.   I doubt I would have gone into detail on the real reason is she cray-cray..  People like her are rarely receptive to criticism anyway.
    True.  I gave her the reasons more for myself to vent rather than hoping she would actually listen to me.  Also because she was telling the other girls she truly didn't understand why I didn't want to participate.  I tend to be the outspoken one in the group and it gets me in trouble sometimes.

    I did send an email apologizing for screaming, and she responded back with the same.  Right now I will just see if we can heal from this with time, but am staying away from the wedding cray cray permanently.
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLostWeeshRebeccaB88
  • Nope. I think you made the right choice.
    Amyzen83PrettyGirlLost
  • What the bloody hell!!
    WHAT!!
    I think you were 100% in the right, these "House Party's" are getting out of hand!

    To the Bride:
    image

    PrettyGirlLost
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is the second time in 2 days this BS non-bridesmaid, bridesmaid thing has come up and I still don't get it. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with her, I don't blame you for backing out!
    image
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I see/hear about people treating their friends like this and all I can do is...
    image
    ~*~*~*~*~

    WeeshRebeccaB88
  • I don't really know or care what a house party is.

    You don't treat your friends like that, period.

    Get out ASAP, feel bad for the actual bridesmaids, it'll only get worse for them.
    This is not a friendship worth saving. She's not looking for friends to stand for her, she's looking for bridals/house slaves. 

    If you're truly good, close friends you should be able to say how you feel without her calling you a b*tch.  The fact that she thinks she can do whatever she wants with you or BMs just because it's HER DAY shows her lack of appreciation or respect for your friendships. 

    List of chores and demands, say no thank you and stick to it...
    HaileyDancingbearAmyzen83
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think getting out was the right thing to do and you dodged a bullet.

    I don't know what "house parties" are but they sound like unpaid slaves if not B-list bridesmaids.  I'd skip it too.
    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83
  • EverAfer said:
    I don't really know or care what a house party is.

    You don't treat your friends like that, period.

    Get out ASAP, feel bad for the actual bridesmaids, it'll only get worse for them.
    This is not a friendship worth saving. She's not looking for friends to stand for her, she's looking for bridals/house slaves. 

     if you're truly good, close friends you should be able to say how you feel without her calling you a b*tch.  The fact that she thinks she can do whatever she wants with you or BMs just because it's HER DAY shows her lack of appreciation or respect for your friendships. 

    List of chores and demands, say no thank you and stick to it...
    Yeah, I couldn't be friends with someone who was so hostile and disrespectful, I definitely think you did the right thing.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Never heard of a house party. I did go to a wedding once (small about 50 people destination) where the they asked everyone to wear blue. It was nice and looked great in the group shots and since we were in Vegas it was fun going out afterwards because everyone knew that we were together. Now we weren't required to all wear the same dress though, whatever you wanted in any shade of blue.
  • I'm from South Carolina, and the only time I have heard of a house party was in the Southern Weddings magazine. I would have reacted exactly the same way!
    Amyzen83
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Hostess who pay for the honor and now house parties...my head is going to explode! So glad I've never heard of either until now =-O
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Amyzen83
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    http://www.ashtongardens.com/house-party-and-ushers-bring-the-balance/ 

    I want to rename this "House Party and Ushers Provide Free Labor and Damage Relationships" So, so, so many things wrong with this article. Alternative assignments, tasks, when is it going to end? Looks like ushers are asked to do more than usher these days! This is like the adult version of "everyone gets a trophy at the soccer game" but it also entails providing free labor and buying clothes you will never wear again. 

    People need to grow a pair, pick your nearest and dearest for the wedding party, hire people for paid work, and let everyone else relax and be a guest. It's not that hard.
    PrettyGirlLostAmyzen83
  • I didn't have a wedding party. The girls who would have been in my wedding party if I would have had one received a special gift the day before the wedding as a thank you for always being by my side and being a friend over the years. They were not expected to wear a certain dress or color they were not expected to help with any part of the wedding or host any parties. I was happy to have them with me on our wedding day because they mean so much to my H and I. Subsequently these girls did throw me a bachelorette party but it was a complete surprise to me when they offered and very much appreciated. I can't even imagine how they would have felt if I would have made demands like this bride. Clearly she doesn't respect her friends.
    Amyzen83climbingwife
  • You mad e the right choice, and are far better off w/o her in the end. :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    image
  • I had never heard of a house party until coming to TK.  OP you absolutely did the right thing by backing out, sorry the bride was so rude to you over the phone! :/

    May I ask what's wrong with all the bridesmaids still in the BP putting up with her demands??

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