Talking to your FI

MadHops21

So I was talking to my FI about the wedding ceremony. He is Lutheran, but not practicing. Same as his parents. I asked if his mom would have any concerns about the ceremony being in a Catholic church as my family practices. 

He told me to ask FMIL myself instead of him asking her. He said she probably doesn't care, but I just want to make sure. Would it be fine if I spoke to her about it? Often, when I ask what's going on with dinner or meeting the parents someplace or if she is interested in something wedding related, he tells me to ask her instead of him talking to her about it. 

He asked why he should be the one talking to her about wedding stuff since I'm the one that's really planning it. Any thoughts?

lyndausvi

If I find it odd that he is diverting the ceremony plans to his mom.  What if she says she does have a problem?  Then what, not have a Catholic wedding?    

Don't get me wrong I think it's fine to include her in plans.  For example, I ask my MIL if there were any traditions in her family that we might want to included.  I never asked if she was concerned we were not having a Catholic ceremony. Quite frankly it wasn't up for discussion with her or my parents.   The type of ceremony was completely up to DH and me. 

pinkcow13

It's his wedding, too.  Who is paying for the wedding? Because if you guys are, I personally don't think she should have any say in the type of ceremony you choose. That should be up to you and FI.

MadHops21

I'm just afraid to offend her because she's the type of woman to not say something directly to me, then tell FI it later. I'm pretty sure we are set with the church, but I didn't think to ask her opinion on it. My dad is paying for majority of the wedding, and it's his church, too, so I'm almost positive that it will be that church. I just don't know what sort of thing you ask for your FMIL about for the wedding. 

JCbride2015

Fi absolutely should not push this off on you.

You guys need to decide what type of ceremony you want, and FMIL should have nothing to do with it.  If he feels the need to inform FMIL about the ceremony, he can tell her alone or you can do it together.  It should definitely not be you.

This post really worries me.  First, it's really wimpy that he would tell you to ask FMIL about it before you've made your own plans.  So if she has a problem with it, he won't back you up on the Catholic ceremony?

Second, this statement: 

Kelcita21 said:

So I was talking to my FI about the wedding ceremony. He is Lutheran, but not practicing. Same as his parents. I asked if his mom would have any concerns about the ceremony being in a Catholic church as my family practices. 

He told me to ask FMIL myself instead of him asking her. He said she probably doesn't care, but I just want to make sure. Would it be fine if I spoke to her about it? Often, when I ask what's going on with dinner or meeting the parents someplace or if she is interested in something wedding related, he tells me to ask her instead of him talking to her about it. 

He asked why he should be the one talking to her about wedding stuff since I'm the one that's really planning it. Any thoughts?

It's not OK for him to push off all the wedding responsibility on you.  Sure, he doesn't need to be completely involved in every decision.  But you guys should be taking equal responsibility for decisions, including/ especially the ceremony.  This is an important religious decision for the two of you.

MyNameIsNot

Kelcita21 said:

So I was talking to my FI about the wedding ceremony. He is Lutheran, but not practicing. Same as his parents. I asked if his mom would have any concerns about the ceremony being in a Catholic church as my family practices. 

He told me to ask FMIL myself instead of him asking her. He said she probably doesn't care, but I just want to make sure. Would it be fine if I spoke to her about it? Often, when I ask what's going on with dinner or meeting the parents someplace or if she is interested in something wedding related, he tells me to ask her instead of him talking to her about it. 

He asked why he should be the one talking to her about wedding stuff since I'm the one that's really planning it. Any thoughts?

Honestly, I find this really bizarre.  The ceremony should be held in the church (or non-church) that you and your FI agree to.  It's one of those things where no one else gets a say.  It doesn't matter what his mother thinks of the Catholic ceremony, nor what your parents think.  If you and your FI are good with it, good.  

It's more odd to me that he is deferring you to his mother.  It's his mother.  He should be the one to talk to her about these things, issues or not.  Sending you to talk to her is setting you up for problems or setting you both up to not be a united front.  

HisGirlFriday13

No; your FI needs to grow a spine and ask his Mommy this himself.

And what if she says 'no'? Then what? Is that going to change your plans?

You could mention in passing that you're planning a Mass --not adk, announce. If she doesn't like it, she can register that complaint to him.

MadHops21

He doesn't care for the ceremony or the wedding itself (where it's at, the food, music, etc.). He says the only things he wants are a black suit and his best friend back from the army to be Best Man.

I had to argue with my parents a little about the black suit ("Does he think he's going to a funeral?!") but they are fine with it now. If not, I don't really care because it's his attire and it looks formal. 

It's really disheartening when he says it's MY wedding, not ours, and that I should talk to his mom for a guest list and about questions I have. His family is not really the "family" type and don't really talk to cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. 

JCbride2015

Kelcita21 said:

He doesn't care for the ceremony or the wedding itself (where it's at, the food, music, etc.). He says the only things he wants are a black suit and his best friend back from the army to be Best Man.

I had to argue with my parents a little about the black suit ("Does he think he's going to a funeral?!") but they are fine with it now. If not, I don't really care because it's his attire and it looks formal. 

It's really disheartening when he says it's MY wedding, not ours, and that I should talk to his mom for a guest list and about questions I have. His family is not really the "family" type and don't really talk to cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. 

Honestly these are flags for me-- if not red, then at least yellow.  The ceremony is the most important part of the wedding.  I can understand when people don't care much about flowers and other details, but the ceremony is the whole point and should be extremely important to him.

I don't see how the italic is relevant at all.  Does he literally just never talk to his mom and that's why he wants you to do it?  If they don't have a relationship, then she most definitely doesn't need input in your ceremony.

Senecaf

For a while FI would always try to differ me to his mother. I think he thought it would make us closer if we discussed things. Or if he really didn't care he would have me talk directly to her because he felt like it was a waste of his time. It annoyed me and I would refuse. If I gave in every time he was to lazy or being a baby and didn't want to have a difficult convo with his mom I would get stuck with everything. So he got better.

Now that I have some what "trained" him I actually just go directly to her myself for most things. Your situation though I think needs to be handled by him.

MadHops21

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

MyNameIsNot

Kelcita21 said:

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

If he is not religious, why does he want to get married in the catholic church?

The fact that he is referring to this as your wedding and that he won't help at all is a big red flag to me.  Are you 100% sure he wants to get married?  It doesn't sound like it.  

MadHops21

He says that he doesn't care for the wedding itself, just to marry me. 

I'm just hoping this attitude goes away when we get closer to the actual wedding date. It's still a couple years away.

emmyg65

DH handles all communications with his family. Meeting up for dinner, holiday plans, wedding stuff, whatever. If we need to consult with his family, he handles it. I do the same for my family. We do this partly because he understands the intricacies of his family (as I understand mine better), and partly because I'm not interested in being our social secretary.

Likewise, he was very involved with wedding planning. Different people have different relationships, though. So if you're happy with how you two manage things, then everything's fine. If not, you need to sit down and chat.

If you're certain you want to get married in the Catholic church, then there's no point in talking to your FMIL. But if you're open to changing some things, then I see no problem with asking her opinion.

JCbride2015

Kelcita21 said:

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

Is he willing to go through the requirements of the Catholic Church to get married there?  I'm not Catholic but I know you can't just walk into a Catcholic Church and have a wedding, there's preparation involved.  And it seems weird to me that a non-religious person would want to get married in the Catholic Church.  Or that it would be so irrelevant to him that he just doesn't care.

Do you have a solid timeline in place for marriage?  Does he seem excited about getting married, if not details of the wedding?  If you guys are paying for it yourselves, is he going to be okay with spending money on a wedding he seems to not care about?

I'm honestly pretty concerned about this from the sounds of it.

AddieCake

He should be talking to his mother b/c he is getting married, too,  and she is HIS mother. 

Maggie0829

He should be talking to his mother b/c he is getting married, too,  and she is HIS mother. 

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Even after being married for 2.5 years I still make H ask his Mother about things because it is his Mom not mine.

FiancB

This sounds super weird to me. First of all, it sounds like you're pretty much planning on having a Catholic wedding so her input kind of doesn't really matter. Would her saying no change anything? I mean tell her what your plans are, but not in an asking permission kind of way. 

Second, why on Earth wouldn't he talk to her, or at least talk to her WITH you? That's kind of intimidating for you. I'm pretty close with FILs but even still if we need to talk to them about something, he does it or we do it together. We've been around each other's families and everybody gets along but we still try not to leave the other person alone with our family members if we can help it- it's kind of uncomfortable, and rude. 

Third, while Catholic and Lutheran aren't terribly different, it's not that easy to have a Catholic wedding with a non-Catholic so you should probably look into that. 

It's true brides do tend to do the majority of the planning, and I think a lot of grooms feel like they don't want to impede at first, and need some reassurance that you want their input and help. But he sounds totally ambivalent and that would be annoying and concerning to me. He kind of sounds like he wants absolutely nothing to do with it and that's not okay.

Tami87

I agree with JCBride, I am also really concerned.

Also OP are you a practicing Catholic. You mention that your family is and it is your Dad's church, but what about your religious beliefs? I strongly believe that the wedding ceremony should reflect the couple's beliefs not their families. You need to talk about what role religion will play in your family and how you plan to raise any future children. You should get on the same page and then be a united front. Mom and Dad don't get any say in these decisions.

Also you will have to go through marriage prep. To get married in the Catholic church you as the Catholic would also have to promise to raise your children in the faith and your FI will be made aware of your promise and will be agreeing not to prevent you from doing this.

lc07

You and FI need to decide, alone, what type of ceremony you will be having. The Catholic Church is different than most other Christian denominations in that if you are NOT married in the church, you are out of communion with them. Forever. (Or until you rectify it with a convalidation). So it's surprising to me that if you are a practicing Catholic that this is even up for discussion with anyone other than your FI. This choice affects your ability to practice your religion for the rest of your life.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto all PPs about the Catholic aspect. If you're not practicing and don't intend to be, don't have a Catholic Mass.

And there are red flags for me, too, about your FI's lack of involvement. DH was involved in every single aspect of our Mass, from the readings to the hymns to the responsorials to the Prayers of the Faithful to who would bring up the gifts. 

It's not just your wedding, it's his, too, and even if all he wants to do is marry you, he should have a say in what that looks like.

MadHops21

JCBride2014 said:

Kelcita21 said:

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

Is he willing to go through the requirements of the Catholic Church to get married there?  I'm not Catholic but I know you can't just walk into a Catcholic Church and have a wedding, there's preparation involved.  And it seems weird to me that a non-religious person would want to get married in the Catholic Church.  Or that it would be so irrelevant to him that he just doesn't care.

Do you have a solid timeline in place for marriage?  Does he seem excited about getting married, if not details of the wedding?  If you guys are paying for it yourselves, is he going to be okay with spending money on a wedding he seems to not care about?

I'm honestly pretty concerned about this from the sounds of it.

I used to practice, but not so much the past year because my work shift starts at 6am on Sundays, and going to school full time with projects leaves me very little time to do much of anything else. 

My brothers all got married, one even in the same church. The church is part of the school I went to from K-8th grade with my brothers. My oldest brother went through the church's premarital counseling and everything, so I know how our church works in that aspect.

My FI doesn't like talking about religion too much, but we are on the same level for the most part. He is willing to do Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, etc. and raise the children Catholic. 

HisGirlFriday13

Kelcita21 said:

JCBride2014 said:

Kelcita21 said:

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

Is he willing to go through the requirements of the Catholic Church to get married there?  I'm not Catholic but I know you can't just walk into a Catcholic Church and have a wedding, there's preparation involved.  And it seems weird to me that a non-religious person would want to get married in the Catholic Church.  Or that it would be so irrelevant to him that he just doesn't care.

Do you have a solid timeline in place for marriage?  Does he seem excited about getting married, if not details of the wedding?  If you guys are paying for it yourselves, is he going to be okay with spending money on a wedding he seems to not care about?

I'm honestly pretty concerned about this from the sounds of it.

I used to practice, but not so much the past year because my work shift starts at 6am on Sundays, and going to school full time with projects leaves me very little time to do much of anything else. 

My brothers all got married, one even in the same church. The church is part of the school I went to from K-8th grade with my brothers. My oldest brother went through the church's premarital counseling and everything, so I know how our church works in that aspect.

My FI doesn't like talking about religion too much, but we are on the same level for the most part. He is willing to do Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, etc. and raise the children Catholic. 

In order to do Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, etc., means he would have to convert to Catholicism. You can't just "do" those sacraments. Is that what's happening? If so, you and he need to sit down with your priest and have a frank talk about what this means.

lc07

I just don't see the point in asking FI's mom her opinion if you are not going to go ahead with what she says. It will come off like a slap in her face.  And it's completely inappropriate to allow a third party to dictate your religious beliefs and how you practice your religion. 

Make the choice that is best for you and your FI. If anyone including your FMIL is upset about it, that person can address the two of you about it and you and/or FI together can explain your choice.

MadHops21

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Kelcita21 said:

JCBride2014 said:

Kelcita21 said:

FI is not a religious person, so he wouldn't care if we got married in a barn, court house, or church. 

I mentioned the italic because when I ask for a rough estimate of how many people his family would be for guest list, he says 0 because his family doesn't celebrate much. Graduation, birthdays, anything of the sort. That's just another issue on it's own, sorry I mentioned it oddly. 

Is he willing to go through the requirements of the Catholic Church to get married there?  I'm not Catholic but I know you can't just walk into a Catcholic Church and have a wedding, there's preparation involved.  And it seems weird to me that a non-religious person would want to get married in the Catholic Church.  Or that it would be so irrelevant to him that he just doesn't care.

Do you have a solid timeline in place for marriage?  Does he seem excited about getting married, if not details of the wedding?  If you guys are paying for it yourselves, is he going to be okay with spending money on a wedding he seems to not care about?

I'm honestly pretty concerned about this from the sounds of it.

I used to practice, but not so much the past year because my work shift starts at 6am on Sundays, and going to school full time with projects leaves me very little time to do much of anything else. 

My brothers all got married, one even in the same church. The church is part of the school I went to from K-8th grade with my brothers. My oldest brother went through the church's premarital counseling and everything, so I know how our church works in that aspect.

My FI doesn't like talking about religion too much, but we are on the same level for the most part. He is willing to do Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, etc. and raise the children Catholic. 

In order to do Communion, Reconciliation, Confirmation, etc., means he would have to convert to Catholicism. You can't just "do" those sacraments. Is that what's happening? If so, you and he need to sit down with your priest and have a frank talk about what this means.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear. He is willing to convert. We will be talking to my priest about this. He has joined us for Mass before to this church, so he's not knew to Catholicism. His mom used to be Catholic until she converted to be Lutheran. 

jdluvr06

First off, I agree with the PPs about it should be the ceremony you two want and you shouldn't ask your parents or FMIL about it. If you're not comfortable talking with his mom about this stuff then you need to push the subject for him to. There isn't too much I can say about that because FI has me call his mom about a lot of things that I think people on here would say he should call about. He says his mom likes me more than him and is more likely to yes to me about something. Lol. I don't think she really likes me more but she is more likely to go with a plan if comes from me than if it comes from my FI.

JCbride2015

Okay, I really don't want to seem like I'm picking on your and your Fi, because that's not my intention. But you also said Fi is not a religious person, so how can he convert?  I am not religious and will not convert to Catholicism to make Fi happy, because it would feel like a lie to me.  I won't say that I believe certain things when I really don't.  I see that as disrespectful to Catholicism if I would just go through the motions to have a certain kind of wedding Fi wants.

MadHops21

jdluvr06 said:

First off, I agree with the PPs about it should be the ceremony you two want and you shouldn't ask your parents or FMIL about it. If you're not comfortable talking with his mom about this stuff then you need to push the subject for him to. There isn't too much I can say about that because FI has me call his mom about a lot of things that I think people on here would say he should call about. He says his mom likes me more than him and is more likely to yes to me about something. Lol. I don't think she really likes me more but she is more likely to go with a plan if comes from me than if it comes from my FI.

That's good! Normally, FI asks FMIL for advice about money and other things, but not so much wedding talk. We will go on with talking to my priest about this, but I didn't know what you actually speak to your FMIL about wedding planning. 

I'm too new to this, and still young, and only been to one wedding in my life. I've been lurking for a while, but didn't know about this situation. 

MadHops21

JCBride2014 said:

Okay, I really don't want to seem like I'm picking on your and your Fi, because that's not my intention. But you also said Fi is not a religious person, so how can he convert?  I am not religious and will not convert to Catholicism to make Fi happy, because it would feel like a lie to me.  I won't say that I believe certain things when I really don't.  I see that as disrespectful to Catholicism if I would just go through the motions to have a certain kind of wedding Fi wants.

That's fine to input your opinion! It's a forum, I asked, so I asked for your thoughts. 

He used to be really involved in his church, but not lately since he started school again and it's been a rough couple years. He's becoming more mature and getting more responsibility (24 will be a fun age...), but his religious beliefs are very close to mine. He wouldn't mind converting to Catholic since I am and want to raise our children that way. He feels the same way.

erinlin25

My husband was not "in to" wedding planning, but anything I asked him about he would give his input and I would include him in all final decisions.  He always said "whatever you want."  But I reminded him it was our wedding and not just mine so it was important to me that he be included in the important decisions. Once he knew I wanted his input he always obliged and was very helpful in the tasks I needed him for.  I knew he would care less about tasting cake and picking flowers so I did those things with my mom and MIL. 

Like you I was raised Catholic, He was raised Adventist-- neither of us "practice" regularly but we both have regular values that align that we have taken from our faith.  My parents paid for the wedding, and wanted a Catholic priest to marry us at least (we did not get married in a church, but were lucky to find a catholic reverend who marries outside the church).  My husband and I were fine with that so that was all that mattered.  We had a non-denominational wedding and included religious readings that we both agreed on.  This was important for us to do together since the ceremony was about US. I lived with MIL while wedding planning so anytime I had a question I would just ask her, but I don't think it is too much to ask your FI to talk to her if you are uncomfortable asking her.  It depends on the relationship between you and MIL-- there are some things I was totally fine asking her myself, but other times I would ask him to talk to his mom.  End of the day you guys need to pick the ceremony for you, but if you are concerned I would definitely have him clear it with his mom, or least have him support the decision with a united front in case she would be against it. 

MadHops21

erinlin25 said:

My husband was not "in to" wedding planning, but anything I asked him about he would give his input and I would include him in all final decisions.  He always said "whatever you want."  But I reminded him it was our wedding and not just mine so it was important to me that he be included in the important decisions. Once he knew I wanted his input he always obliged and was very helpful in the tasks I needed him for.  I knew he would care less about tasting cake and picking flowers so I did those things with my mom and MIL. 

Like you I was raised Catholic, He was raised Adventist-- neither of us "practice" regularly but we both have regular values that align that we have taken from our faith.  My parents paid for the wedding, and wanted a Catholic priest to marry us at least (we did not get married in a church, but were lucky to find a catholic reverend who marries outside the church).  My husband and I were fine with that so that was all that mattered.  We had a non-denominational wedding and included religious readings that we both agreed on.  This was important for us to do together since the ceremony was about US. I lived with MIL while wedding planning so anytime I had a question I would just ask her, but I don't think it is too much to ask your FI to talk to her if you are uncomfortable asking her.  It depends on the relationship between you and MIL-- there are some things I was totally fine asking her myself, but other times I would ask him to talk to his mom.  End of the day you guys need to pick the ceremony for you, but if you are concerned I would definitely have him clear it with his mom, or least have him support the decision with a united front in case she would be against it. 

Ahh thank you! I don't think we will be doing a full Mass, but these give me more ideas to talk to my priest about now. I didn't realize you could do a wedding outside the church with a reverend.

I'm comfortable with FMIL, but I keep reading on here about how FI should deal with her instead of the bride. When I told him he should be the one asking his mom, he asked "Why me?" and it just left me dumbstruck. I thought it was obvious, but I guess not...?