PK's Poll - Covering Your Plate

s-aries8990

I voted for turtles

In my area the average cost of a plate is anywhere from $35-150 so I don't usually prescribe by that rule.

Right now I usually only give $75-100 for me and BF at a wedding - I can't really afford much more.

I'm sure that in the future, I'll HOPEFULLY be able to give more - I'm sure people understand.

Peaseblossom55

I give based on the relationship to that person.  I won't give less of a gift just because they choose a less expensive venue or have a backyard BBQ.

tcnoble

I didn't even know this "cover your plate" mentality existed until I saw it posted on here being proposed by someone who will inevitably poorly host their guests. Do you go to a birthday party and "cover your plate" if they invite you to Little Caesar's and it's a $5 pizza? The idea to me is just absurd. I'm happy to read that I'm not alone thinking it's ridiculous. I understand being generous - and I know at my wedding I will appreciate any and ALL gifts - but would never expect my guests to cover their portion of our catering tab. You don't host guests and expect them to ultimately cover their own expense - might as well just sell tickets to your event then. 

vt&dt

I also am not a fan of the CYP mentality.  I give what I can and would like to based on my relationship with that person.

Right now, we just bought a house and I'm working on growing my business and some other professional ventures that could cause my income to double in the next couple years.... when I get to THAT point - I'll be able to give super generously without thinking about it!  

For now, I prefer to give boxed gifts, because I can be a wizard at finding sales/coupons and getting something really nice without breaking my budget.

RebeccaB88

If be really upset if a friend felt they had to stay home because they felt that they couldn't afford an expensive gift. Offended, in fact. No one has to get me anything.  I invite them because it's important for them to be there, not because I'm shaking them down for loot.  Right now I'm drowning in medical debt, so my max budget for any wedding gift is $20. Yes, I will go and hand over my $20 gift and enjoy the party. If they want to think less of me because of that, then I don't need to be around them anymore. 

Jen4948

I try to find a gift that suggests that I thought about them and their interests and personal tastes and is something they would like, whether it costs $1 or $100.

It's not my job to reimburse them for their hospitality, so I don't take that into consideration.  The idea that I "owe" them a gift at all, let alone one of a certain amount, just because they chose to issue me an invitation I was not required to accept, is bogus.

MrsMarende

I'm not exactly sure how this is accomplished, many times I have no idea what the wedding will be like before showing up.... Do you wait until after to write your check? I usually get something off the registry if I see something I know they will enjoy or need. Otherwise I'll write a check and it just depends usually how close I am to the couple.

Amyzen83

I didn't even know this "cover your plate" mentality existed until I saw it posted on here being proposed by someone who will inevitably poorly host their guests. Do you go to a birthday party and "cover your plate" if they invite you to Little Caesar's and it's a $5 pizza? The idea to me is just absurd. I'm happy to read that I'm not alone thinking it's ridiculous. I understand being generous - and I know at my wedding I will appreciate any and ALL gifts - but would never expect my guests to cover their portion of our catering tab. You don't host guests and expect them to ultimately cover their own expense - might as well just sell tickets to your event then.

ugh! stuck in the box:
I totally agree with the bolded

MGP

Amyzen83 said:

The way I see it, is if a bride wants to spend all this money on her wedding, good for her! But I know of some very extravagant brides out there and they are well within their rights to be, but that doesn't mean I have to be extravagant with my gift especially when I may not be that close with the couple. If I don't even like the couple or am not close with them, but for some reason I have to put on a good face and go, they will get a card and a $25 gift card.

Exactly. Someone's wedding budget does NOT determine my gift budget. Honestly I am a VERY generous gift giver, just will not have that price point dictated for me. The "cover you plate" mentality is out there though, especially with the old school Italians and northeastern set. I remember being about 14 and my mother buying 4 sets of china place settings because we had to "cover the plate cost" for my parents, my brother, and I. How ironic we gave plates to cover our plates!

SP29

I don't agree with this "rule", though I know many who do.

It is the B & G's choice to determine how much they want to spend per plate. Since the guests have no choice in the price point they should not be expected to cover this cost. I agree- how does one even know how much the plate costs? There are many variables like season, substitutions, is alcohol included, wedding packages that include things other than food, etc. However, my dad works with a guy who said he calls the venue and asks what a plate costs on average then adds a few extra bucks to that price as a gift- crazy! 

I think gifts should be given based on the relationship and what one can afford at the time.

Our wedding guests were very generous- I was surprised. A fair number of guests traveled and I would not have expected them to give anything. Everyone gave a gift; even some guests who declined. I kinda feel bad for some of my friends who got married a couple years ago when DH and I were not able to give such a generous gift! We were invited to the wedding of now great friends a couple years ago, but at the time I had never met either the B or G (DH knew them), I had just started a new program in school (so shelled out money for that) and didn't have a job. We did buy them a gift from their registry (something they wanted at least) but it was $25, I think. At another friend's wedding we only gave $40 because we were both still in school and we spent $800 (between flight, hotel and car rental) to travel to said wedding. I would have liked to have given more, but we didn't have the extra money at the time.

Now that DH and I both have full time jobs, I would give at least $100 to a friend or family member, depending on how close we were. That would be regardless of the type of wedding they had. 

Likewise, since a B&G should not expect their guests to pay for their wedding, if they plan the wedding they can afford (which they should) and it happens to be small, why should they get less of a gift (if they are on a strict budget, they could possibly use the generous gift more) than a couple who potentially has family support to have a more expensive wedding, or who goes into debt just to create an ideal. 

jdluvr06

I think this is a ridiculous thing. I never think about how much the couple have spent on food. Usually I give based on how much I can afford to at the time and how close I am to the couple. I usually give $100 because in my family (and I mean all my family, second cousins, great aunts, ect) we have a no gifts over $100 policy.

FiancB

This actually never occurred to me. Wow. I usually aim to give a gift that's worth around $50, and this is an area where most caterers charge $25-30/head for the food, so I guess I'm cheap I am planning on giving a larger gift to a couple whose wedding we won't make it to because it's in Mexico and we can't afford to go. 

If I was worried about this I wouldn't have made sure to register for lots of inexpensive items. I could honestly care less if we get gifts- I'm excited to get them but considering we have a lot of OOT guests I will honestly be thrilled that they dropped $$$ just to get to our wedding. It's a lot to ask. 

HisGirlFriday13

DH and I are still navigating the shoals of "cash or gift." When he was single, he only gave cash. I've only ever given physical presents. 

We went to a wedding while we were engaged/dating that was for and old friend of mine. We bought them towels (on their registry), and spent $100 for $200 worth of towels (they got married around Labour Day -- massive white sales at Macy's!), so I don't know if that counts as they think we spent $200 (because they don't know when we bought them so they don't know how much we paid) or $100, which is what we actually spent.

I don't buy the CYP mentality, but since I never give cash, it doesn't really apply.

Also, I like turtles: 

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

DH and I are still navigating the shoals of "cash or gift." When he was single, he only gave cash. I've only ever given physical presents. 

We went to a wedding while we were engaged/dating that was for and old friend of mine. We bought them towels (on their registry), and spent $100 for $200 worth of towels (they got married around Labour Day -- massive white sales at Macy's!), so I don't know if that counts as they think we spent $200 (because they don't know when we bought them so they don't know how much we paid) or $100, which is what we actually spent.

I don't buy the CYP mentality, but since I never give cash, it doesn't really apply.

Also, I like turtles: 

These turtles are adorable.  I visited the San Diego Zoo not too long ago and one of my favorite exhibits was the one on Galapagos turtles.  I just love those really huge ones!

LowerEastSiiide

I grew up in ny (bklyn/ LI) and was always taught that you should cover your plate to help the bride and groom make money back and give them a nice foundation for starting their lives together. I would never look up the cost per plate but I estimate it based on the venue ... But honestly I usually always give the same because all the weddings in my area and amongst my circle run about same cost. So, I usually give $300/couple. Older people I know will bring a blank check, go into the bathroom and fill in the amt. based on how the wedding is... Like, if the cocktail hour has a raw bar, ice sculptures, carving stations etc, they may give a little more... If the place is cheesy with like mini pizzas passed on a tray, they'll knock their gift down. I don't do this, but I've heard of it before .

MuppetOverlord

I give based on what i can afford, and how close I am to the couple, and what else I did for them (make their cake....did their centerpieces etc..)

Jen4948

LowerEastSiiide said:

I grew up in ny (bklyn/ LI) and was always taught that you should cover your plate to help the bride and groom make money back and give them a nice foundation for starting their lives together. I would never look up the cost per plate but I estimate it based on the venue ... But honestly I usually always give the same because all the weddings in my area and amongst my circle run about same cost. So, I usually give $300/couple. Older people I know will bring a blank check, go into the bathroom and fill in the amt. based on how the wedding is... Like, if the cocktail hour has a raw bar, ice sculptures, carving stations etc, they may give a little more... If the place is cheesy with like mini pizzas passed on a tray, they'll knock their gift down. I don't do this, but I've heard of it before .

Financing the future of the couple isn't your job and the cost of the venue is not a good basis for determining what to give-especially if you can't afford it.

I won't go broke to give a gift to a couple who choose to have a luxury wedding rather than having a more mainstream wedding while saving some money to pay for their own everyday living expenses.

LowerEastSiiide

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

Jen4948

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere.  It's an obnoxious assumption.  If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift.  Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.

LowerEastSiiide

Oh it's not the "norm" anywhere? And you know this how? Because you are an anthropologist specializing in marital traditions?

I never said it was the job to reimburse the couple ... We do this out of love for the couple.
I would feel extremely uncomfortable showing up anywhere, in which I'm being hosted, empty handed. And despite the fact that our views may vary on what's considered a " normal" gift... I can say, wholeheartedly, that showing up with nothing is extremely disrespectful. I get that people have different traditions, but there is no excuse for ever showing up empty handed.

Jen4948

LowerEastSiiide said:

Oh it's not the "norm" anywhere? And you know this how? Because you are an anthropologist specializing in marital traditions?

How do you know that it's the "norm" anywhere?  Are you an anthropologist specializing in marital traditions?

If you'd read this thread, you'd have noticed how many other people disagree with you-and they come from everywhere.

 I never said it was the job to reimburse the couple ... We do this out of love for the couple. I would feel extremely uncomfortable showing up anywhere, in which I'm being hosted, empty handed. And despite the fact that our views may vary on what's considered a " normal" gift... I can say, wholeheartedly, that showing up with nothing is extremely disrespectful. I get that people have different traditions, but there is no excuse for ever showing up empty handed.

You make that choice-it is not etiquette that any guest "cover their plate."  Nor should any couple have any expectation that anyone will give them gifts, let alone "cover their plate," whether because they think they are loved by the guests or for any other reason.

Look, this is an etiquette board, and your opinion is clearly in the minority-and it's not etiquette.  Lose the sarcasm and stop giving bad advice.

LowerEastSiiide

Soo this thread was created just for me? If I'm the only one who has ever heard of "covering your plate" then it must be do ! Wow! I mean I'm really honored. Sheesh, where should I start? First I'd like to thank the lovely ladies of the "etiquette" board. Your endless perpetuation of groupthink and false justification in all that's "proper wedding etiquette" has provided me mild, yet satisfactory entertainment. Thank you!

ChemFanatic25

I guess I do the cyp thing but that's because I haven't been invited to many weddings. It would be difficult to constantly shell out $200-$300 every month (I had a friend who attend 12 weddings in one summer. Yikes!) One wedding I couldn't attend, I still went to the bridal shower and I gave $50 (I just got out of college, couldn't afford much). The rest of the weddings I've given between $100-$200 just because they were close friends who I loved, still do. So yeah, I do the cover your plate thing.
Edit: stupid phone

ChemFanatic25

@LowerEastSiide, from what I read, I'm feeling like you give out of the generosity of your heart, or you haven't been to any backyard weddings. The thing I don't like is the people who go into the bathroom and write a check based on how the wedding was presented. That's pretty hurtful. I wouldn't want their money if they were giving it based on how my wedding looked. When guests are generous enough to give money (like yourself) it shouldn't be with strings attached.

LizM61409

I usually spend about $50 (and I prefer getting a gift off the registry rather than cash) but that's because that's what I'm comfortable with spending in my current financial situation.

This summer I'll finish residency and get a bump in income, so I'll prolly start spending more because I can afford to. 

Also, if you were to attempt to cover your plate, how would you go about finding out that info? I remember when I was looking for venues I had to email or call places to find out their pricing, it's not like it's listed on the internet somewhere (in most cases)

Amyzen83

ChemFanatic25 said:

@LowerEastSiide, from what I read, I'm feeling like you give out of the generosity of your heart, or you haven't been to any backyard weddings. The thing I don't like is the people who go into the bathroom and write a check based on how the wedding was presented. That's pretty hurtful. I wouldn't want their money if they were giving it based on how my wedding looked. When guests are generous enough to give money (like yourself) it shouldn't be with strings attached.

Yes! I too can appreciate your generosity, but those friend/family who write the checks in the bathroom are rude! It sounds like those checks aren't gifts, their more like tips based on how much the bride and groom were willing to shell out

LadyMillil

This thread reminds me of a newspaper article I read awhile ago. I give what I can afford and try to give a little more for close friends and family. I hope I never encounter a bride like this one. . .

http://www.thestar.com/life/2013/06/19/wedding_gift_spat_spirals_out_of_control_after_bride_demands_to_see_receipt.html

banana468

Jen4948 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere.  It's an obnoxious assumption.  If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift.  Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.


I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

LowerEastSiiide

ChemFanatic25 said:

@LowerEastSiide, from what I read, I'm feeling like you give out of the generosity of your heart, or you haven't been to any backyard weddings. The thing I don't like is the people who go into the bathroom and write a check based on how the wedding was presented. That's pretty hurtful. I wouldn't want their money if they were giving it based on how my wedding looked. When guests are generous enough to give money (like yourself) it shouldn't be with strings attached.

Amyzen83 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

@LowerEastSiide, from what I read, I'm feeling like you give out of the generosity of your heart, or you haven't been to any backyard weddings. The thing I don't like is the people who go into the bathroom and write a check based on how the wedding was presented. That's pretty hurtful. I wouldn't want their money if they were giving it based on how my wedding looked. When guests are generous enough to give money (like yourself) it shouldn't be with strings attached.

Yes! I too can appreciate your generosity, but those friend/family who write the checks in the bathroom are rude! It sounds like those checks aren't gifts, their more like tips based on how much the bride and groom were willing to shell out

Agreed- writing check in bathroom is gross and , frankly, unsanitary.

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

It's probably a regional difference/ it's the norm here and I'm sick of having to defend it. I find everyone else's way just as crude and flabbergasting as you probably find mine ...

No, it isn't "regional" or "the norm" anywhere.  It's an obnoxious assumption.  If you're sick of having to defend it, consider that it's not worth defending because it's flat-out wrong.

Like I said, a) it's not the guests' business how much the wedding costs, and it's not their job to finance it or reimburse the couple by means of their gift.  Attendance is optional, and for that matter, so is the gift.

I disagree that it's not a regional norm. It absolutely IS a regional norm. However that doesn't mean following such a norm is etiquette approved. It's more a "keep up with the Joneses" thing.

Banana is right.       As I said CYP is alive and well in DH's hometown ( on Long Island,  NY). 

Does that mean everyone on Long Island and NYC follows that line of thinking?  No, but trust me there are a lot of social circles who do.     I'm not at all surprised LES follows that line of thinking.  It's mostly likely been in grained in her much like others find cash bars acceptable.  Everyone does it so it must be right kind-of thing.

Do I think it's ridiculous?  Hell, yes.  None-the-less DH's family thinks the very same way.

ETA - DH sort of feels that way on the giving end, but not on the receiving end.