@Cookie Pusher

pumpkinsandturkeys

My grandparents have never been overtly racist, but I do remember my Grandpa pulling out his globe once when my brother was about 10, and he sat down with him and went through every country on it, telling him what the derogatory name for each nationality was. When we got home and my brother showed off his new vocabulary, my dad was appalled. I'm pretty sure all he could say was, "Why? Why??" My Oma, however, does openly refer to people as 'coloured.' We've tried to break her of it (she's 80 now), but she still pauses and lowers her voice when she talks about "the...black family... at church." Yes, Oma -- black people can go to a Mennonite church, and I'm pretty sure they know that they're black. Chill.

Cookie Pusher

I'm so over my mom. If it weren't against etiquette to not invite her and my sisters to my wedding, I would.

I went to her house to apologize to her. Not because I feel I did anything wrong, but because that is the expectation - your elders can do as they please, no matter how much they hurt or disrespect you, and you're in the wrong if you are vocal about your negative feelings. Without the apology, the chances were pretty high that not only would she just not show up for my wedding, but would manipulate my sisters into doing the same. I don't have much family left, so having the entire bridal party no-show would just make me sad.

The gist of the hour-long yelling I got was that I over-reacted, me yelling at her made her look like I'm "her boss" (I never yelled or raised my voice - I just... rarely ever yell), and that I always "yell" at her in front of people (again, I don't yell... speaking in a firm manner is not the same as yelling, but don't tell her that). I said I was sorry if how I pointed out that discussing vomit was making both FI and his father feel uncomfortable made her uncomfortable, that it wasn't my intention, that I didn't think she understood what I was asking when she continued the discussion after I more gently asked her to stop the two previous times. Again, more yelling from her about how everyone feels sorry for her because of the way I disrespect her (also saying she could "tell" FFIL felt bad for her too). She said that both of my sisters feel bad for her because I'm such a terrible daughter, but they don't say anything because I'm older. And that they never wanted to be in my wedding and were mad because it was so hard to find a dress in the color I wanted (which I inevitably found, they agreed was nice, and I then paid for). 

One of my sisters was there for the whole thing and was stone silent. Mom kept going on and on about how I'm a terrible child and I have to show her respect no matter what because she's my elder. I finally got fed up and did yell that she never listened to a word I said because if she had, she'd understand that all I did was try to keep my poor FI from feeling more embarrassed at dinner than he already was. If she felt I was "always" yelling at her, she should have said something sooner because I would have no idea she was offended otherwise. I pulled my sister aside after this and told her that if she really didn't want to be in the wedding, it was okay, but that I wish she had said something to me instead of going straight to Mom (who obviously blew it all up). And that I wish she had said something when mom was blatantly lying by saying she never saw my wedding dress. Sister's response was that I should just suck it up when Mom acts crazy because she's my mother. She never addressed Mom saying she didn't want to be in the wedding and bitching about the dresses.

At this point, if my sisters want to continue being bullied by our mother, that's their choice since they are now both adults. But I refuse to engage anymore. I'm just over it. Of course, now I fear that my mother WILL show up at my wedding and do/say horrible things to me and I'll spend the whole day crying. Because my mom is absolutely spiteful enough to do that.

HisGirlFriday13

Ohhhh, Cookie, I am so sorry. I wish I had anything constructive or helpful to say, but I really don't. I'm just so, so, so sorry for you.

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Cookie Pusher

Thanks, @HisGirlFriday13. I know you are only hearing my side of the story and I could very well just be making it up for sympathy (I'm not, but I would understand if people felt that way because I'm just a stranger on the internet), but I am seriously hurt. I've pretty much just been angrily crying on and off since getting home almost 6 hours ago. And I know I brought it on myself by having attempted to have some kind of relationship with my mother. But she's my mom, and I did want her and my sisters there for my wedding.

She kept saying that I was so disrespectful to her and all she'd ever done was put us children first and give me more than she gave my sisters. That she's made mistakes in her life but none of them would negatively affect us (which is not true, her felony conviction will haunt me as I will pay her restitution after she dies). And I have no reason to be so hateful and mean to her. Any time I began to speak, she would just throw up her hands and yell "I'm done! I'm finished with this!" This happens every time I try to tell her she said something that is hurtful to me. She told me I was just being too sensitive, and it's not HER fault that things that happened in my childhood have caused some serious psychological scars (because, as she said, her mistakes do not affect our lives). 

5 months before the wedding I'd been telling FI that I didn't want to have, and now he finally sees why I didn't want him telling my mother we were getting married.

HisGirlFriday13

(((((HUGS)))))

I don't know, personally, what you're going through. I'm blessed that my parents are really freaking awesome and we get along great.

But DH's parents? DH's parents are another ball game. His mother is manipulative, abusive, a compulsive liar, abusive, and mentally unstable (as in diagnosed with mental illness but self-medicates with alcohol). His father is a recovering alcoholic, emotionally abusive, and an enabler.

DH did not want to invite them to our wedding -- something I didn't understand, but supported, because, hey, they're his parents.

One day, his father said, "You know, it would mean a lot to your mother if you would call her and tell her you want her at your wedding." DH just walked out of the room. Didn't say a word.

Then DH's father said it to me. My people? We're not what you'd call 'non-confrontational.' I said, "I'm sure she would. That's not going to happen." He just kind of looked at me, shocked (no one ever straight-up tells him 'no'), and didn't say a word.

THE WEEK before our wedding, after DH's father had pulled RIDICULOUS bullshit that involved me having to call in a favour with the local DA so no one got arrested at our wedding, DH had to call his dad and say, "Look, I realise our wedding is at a church, so we can't legally bar you from attending, but if you say one word to HisGirl or me at our wedding or you even THINK about trying to attend the reception, it won't end well. The reception is by-invitation only; if you step foot on the premises, you'll be arrested and charged with trespassing."

His father kind of sputtered and hemmed and hawed and bull-shitted, but finally agreed. 

When we saw him at Thanksgiving, he made a passive-aggressive comment about how nice the wedding was and how he would have liked to have seen the reception. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "You were lucky to have seen the wedding at all and it's the last private event of ours you'll ever see, so take it for what it was -- a farewell."

He looked at me, didn't say a word, and hasn't made any comments to DH since. He's realising that his son may be willing to take his abuse (because that's what he grew up with), but I'm not, and I will fight like hell to protect my family, my husband, and my marriage. 

DH and I have had lots and lots and LOTS of conversations about this, and he supports what I say (or else I wouldn't say it), but he had too many years of saying to his dad, "I'm done with you," and then letting his father back into his life for his father to take threats from him seriously.

His father takes my statements VERY seriously.

Cookie Pusher

Yea, FI is not confrontational, and while I've told him how dysfunctional my family is (and he's seen first hand how BSC my mom is - we've joked that her "I'm not crazy" certificate has expired), he is really big on family. I know he meant well by telling her he was about to propose, but it opened up a giant can of worms that I really didn't want to deal with. She's been on her best behavior for the last 2ish years since the proposal (the longest she's ever hidden her crazy, really), and I had been hopeful she would be able to keep her shit under control for 5 more months.

When I was explaining to her why I asked her to stop her discussion at dinner the other night, I mentioned that FI and his family don't talk about those things in public and were visibly uncomfortable with the conversation. She actually suggested that if they say anything about how uncomfortable they felt that I should stand up for her and "tell them to fuck themselves" because she doesn't care. Umm... I care. That's my future husband and his father. I don't want to cause a rift with THEM too because of her craziness. I can't even believe she's crazy enough to suggest that.