The great guest list war of 2014

mrsbanany

Ladies, I am stuck. Our current guest list is at 196 invites, our venue holds 220 so it isn't a problem. However, this number is giving me serious anxiety. I never wanted a wedding this big, but my FI comes from a large family so I have to get over it. We have been going back and forth on cousins for a while. Each of his parents are 1 of 10 so that is 40 aunts and uncles. For the sake of math, lets assume they all have 2 kids (some have more, but the minimum is 2) so that is 80 first cousins. I suggested not inviting cousins and my FI is ok with that. However, he says that if we don't invite his cousins we can't invite mine, which would make sense except, I have ONE cousin...just one. Granted she is married with 2 kids, so it really comes to 4. So my side would consist of 8 people, his would consist of 50 people (not including friends or cousins). Am I being ridiculous here when I say that I should be able to invite my one cousin? This has caused countless arguments between the two of us, which I find ridiculous. But his parents fully support his side of this argument too. If I didn't invite my cousin, my whole family would implode. It's ridiculous to not invite her because since my family is so small this "extended" family is more like immediate in my case. But I also find it ridiculous that for me to invite 2 people we need to invite 50 more. If we cut cousins, our guest count would go down to about 100, not this 200 that we are expecting now.

antoto

Ouch.  This is tough, but I think your FI is right.  Regardless of numbers - it's not fair to him that you get a cousin at the wedding and he doesn't.  You're focusing on numbers, but if you take the numbers out of the equation and consider the emotional aspect of it all I think you will agree too.  

crackktheskyy

My fiance and I have the same ordeal -- his mom is one of 13 and his dad is one of 12. His family makes up a large percentage of our guest list, especially his cousins. On my side, I have five cousins.

I think something has to give on your side. My fiance and I have agreed that we will invite up to first cousins on both sides, but no second cousins. If you want a smaller wedding, than don't invite any cousins. If you want your cousin there, you really ought to invite his cousins too. Either way, I think you ought to compromise. It sounds like he is willing to be flexible if he is fine with either scenario. While I get what you're saying about it only being one extra guest, I'm sure he feels that if your cousin can be there, his cousins should be, too! It's a uniting of families. 

jessicabessica

Who is paying for the wedding?  If the parents are not paying, they don't get a say.  

That said, I think your FI is being unreasonable.  Yes, you generally invite in circles, but I don't think that means you have to invite to the same degree of closeness on each side.  I would stick to inviting in circles on your side and inviting in circles on his side.  Maybe he is not really ok with excluding his cousins.  If he is, then it cannot be conditioned on you not having your 1 cousin and her family there.  

My H's family is larger than mine (his dad is 1 of 8, whereas my parents have 1-2 siblings each).  We invited all of his aunts, uncles, and first cousins (and their families, if applicable).  On my side we invited some more distant cousins because I have less first cousins and grew up a little closer to my second cousins.  

melbelleup

I get how you feel, really I do. But at the same time, is he close with all his cousins, aunts and uncles? If so and you can afford it budget wise, I'd allow all of them to go. Maybe not cousin's kids though (if any). I have a huge family, but we're all extremely close. I wouldn't want any of them NOT to be at my wedding. Unfortunately, my FI has a small family (about 25 people to my 150), so we've been down the same argument. I think what it really comes down to is if you can afford them all and he's close to them all, I think you gotta give a little. Then you can invite your cousin as well. I'm not inviting many friends, but FI is. FI's friends to him are family. To me, mine are friends. I'm inviting my closest friends while FI is inviting all of his re-enacting buddies. When it comes down to it, we have about the same size guest list (We're inviting 274 people though)

kns1988

I don't have an answer for you from an etiquette standpoint, but I support you!  I think your argument is completely reasonable.  When it came to kids, we had to invite the 12 on FI's side in order to invite the 4 on my side (2 or whom are my younger sisters).  If it were a difference of 80 to 1, we wouldn't be inviting the 80.

photokitty

I think your fiancé is being unreasonable. Are you close to your cousin? Is she more of a friend? Is your friend count even?? 

Regardless, I think it's completely reasonable for you to have ONE table of 8 of your family when his family will fill 5 tables. Point out that it fills the table and avoids having to figure out who to sit with these 4 people would will know hardly any of the guests.

MyNameIsNot

There is absolutely no etiquette rule that says inviting one (or some) cousins means you have to invite them all.  Your FI is being ridiculous here.  You are talking about one cousin versus 80.  That's a huge difference in numbers.  

That said, making the guest list is about compromise.  Assuming you and FI are paying, it's up to you two to work out a compromise together.  Does he understand why it is important to you to have your cousin there?  Does he want his cousins there?  Would he be more willing to agree to invite only his cousins that he has a relationship with?  

melbenso

Is he close to all 80 of his cousins?  That seems pretty unlikely.  My mom has almost 100 cousins.  (Her dad was one of 12 and her mom was one of 8).  Growing up, she was close to about 5 of those cousins and only saw the others at funerals, etc.  Would it be possible to have the invite circle be cousins that you are close to?  That would allow for your one cousin and any specific cousins of his that he feels should be there.  Based on my mother's family experience, I would venture to guess they would understand.

Aside from that.  Yes, I think he is being unreasonable to want to invite all 80 of his cousins or say that you can't invite your one cousin.  Chances are, his family wouldn't know that was your cousin anyway. 

missnc77

I'm mainly just a lurker, but you seem to have more drama/issues that pop up than any other poster. I think it's time you sit down, take a breath, and quit finding new things to stress out over. I know everyone has some wedding stress, but holy moly! Relax.

JaxInBlue

I hear you too!  DH and I had imbalanced families.  His parents are from large families and he has dozens more first cousins than I do; based on family relationships, I'm also much closer to my cousins than he is to his.  This made it easier to include my cousins but not all of his as he chose to invite those he was closest to and those who lived locally to our wedding.  (Thankfully, no family politics involved in that decision.)

Is there a way your cousin could do a reading, be a soloist, or otherwise take a role in your wedding so that she could be invited as part of your wedding party, rather than as your cousin? I wouldn't usually suggest that but this seems like it might be a place for a compromise, since it would change the reason for including her.

crackktheskyy

I would like to add to my previous comment:

It seems that you want two things. 

1. A small wedding

2. Your cousin to attend

However, because you are able to accommodate your FH's cousins as well, you ought to do all or none. Pick which of the two things above is more important to you. 

If this was an issue of venue space or budget, the conversation might go otherwise. 

If I were in your FH's shoes, though, I would feel that my family is considered somehow less important than yours because they are not invited, even if reasonable accommodations are possible.

Inkdancer

I disagree with your FI. When inviting in circles, your circles are different from FI's circles. It would start family drama to invite half of FI's cousins and not the other half. It would not start family drama to invite your one cousin and not his cousins. (At least, not within your individual family. Stuff he and his parents start because they feel slighted is different.)

It sounds like you need to have a very serious discussion with your FI about expectations. It seems to me that he really wants his cousins to be there, and you don't. I feel you on this. I wanted a tiny wedding but FI's family is so big, we couldn't do it. Our original guest list of 70 just expanded to 115 and I want to cry. But after FI and I talked about it, I realized that his family has been very social his whole life, so he really does have a relationship with all these people, and loves them very much. I couldn't bring myself to deny him the chance to invite the people he loves.

You might want to explain to your FI that you and your cousin are very close, and it's very important to you to invite her. Talk to him about why he thinks that you can't invite your cousin if he doesn't invite his cousins. Use your words to come to the best compromise.

crunchymamaof2

Out of his 50 cousins are there a few that he's particularly close to? If so why not he invite those and you invite your one. Honestly, both of you have valid arguments. If he wants his cousins there and you can afford it I would just invite them. You could always do as a PP suggested and ask your cousin to be in the WP so then she'd have to be invited but that feels sneaky to me, especially if you wouldn't have asked her otherwise.

What's more important to you- having your cousin invited or having a smaller wedding?

antoto

Inkdancer said:

I disagree with your FI. When inviting in circles, your circles are different from FI's circles. It would start family drama to invite half of FI's cousins and not the other half. It would not start family drama to invite your one cousin and not his cousins. (At least, not within your individual family. Stuff he and his parents start because they feel slighted is different.)

It sounds like you need to have a very serious discussion with your FI about expectations. It seems to me that he really wants his cousins to be there, and you don't. I feel you on this. I wanted a tiny wedding but FI's family is so big, we couldn't do it. Our original guest list of 70 just expanded to 115 and I want to cry. But after FI and I talked about it, I realized that his family has been very social his whole life, so he really does have a relationship with all these people, and loves them very much. I couldn't bring myself to deny him the chance to invite the people he loves.

You might want to explain to your FI that you and your cousin are very close, and it's very important to you to invite her. Talk to him about why he thinks that you can't invite your cousin if he doesn't invite his cousins. Use your words to come to the best compromise.

This is not something to just shrug at (not saying you are - just wanted to point this out in general)  A wedding is not just about the bride's side or the bride's family no matter who is paying!!  It's about two families becoming one - to invite your cousins (regardless of number) but NOT his cousins (again, regardless of number) is just... I don't know it feels wrong to me.

PP suggested if you have her do a reading or something then that does change things potentially.  

Please don't get caught up on numbers.  Weddings are not about numbers.

mrsbanany

My parents are paying for 100% of the wedding. We can afford to host these people and the reason I am so hung up on the numbers here is because its 1 to 80. That is a HUGE difference. I suggested only inviting those he is closest to but he insists that if you invite one cousin you invite them all, which if that is how he feels than I am fine with it...for his side only.  I totally get the idea that it's a uniting of families and that ideally, if one goes they all go. However, he is fine not inviting his cousins, if he insisted that his cousins go, I would not argue with it at all. 

PrettyGirlLost

amandaj424 said:

My parents are paying for 100% of the wedding. We can afford to host these people and the reason I am so hung up on the numbers here is because its 1 to 80. That is a HUGE difference. I suggested only inviting those he is closest to but he insists that if you invite one cousin you invite them all, which if that is how he feels than I am fine with it...for his side only.  I totally get the idea that it's a uniting of families and that ideally, if one goes they all go. However, he is fine not inviting his cousins, if he insisted that his cousins go, I would not argue with it at all. 

Then I don't think his parents get a say.  I get what @antoto is saying, 1 vs 80 is a huge difference, and your FI's parents are not contributing.  Sure they can be upset or whatever, but weddings are about compromising too, and they will have to learn to get over it.

It's not as if you are not inviting any of their family, you just don't want to invite 80 extra people.

Just because you are inviting in circles doe snot mean those circles have to be 100% the same for you and your FI.  You need to have a discussion with him.

lyndausvi

I have 24 first cousins (or SO that is 48).  DH has 3 (or 6 with SO).  I would have been heart broken if DH even suggested that his cousins were invited and mind could not be.      Life isn't fair sometimes.  He should not be penalized because his family choose to procreate at a higher rate than your own.

mrsbanany

@scribe95 there have been countless arguments. The arguments are over inviting my one cousin but not his.  He is fine not inviting his cousins but he says that if he does not invite his, I cannot invite mine.  I am not saying he can't invite his family, I suggested that he only invite aunts and uncles which he said was fine.  With the argument being that my one cousin cannot go because his 80 cannot go, the 1 to 80 difference is the focus of the debate.  

If he insisted that he invite his cousins, and all of them, it would be fine. The point is, he is ok with not inviting his cousins and thinks that because of that decision, my cousin should not be invited.  I think that guests are invited in circles and those circles are different for each side. Therefore, the no cousin rule should not apply to my one cousin.  

jessicabessica

The problem is your FI.  It doesn't sound like you are telling him who he can or cannot invite from his family, but that is what he is doing to you.  Tell him he needs to think about your cousin separately from his cousins.  Your cousin is important to you, and you want her invited.  His decision about his cousins should be independent from your decision about your cousin.  I would ignore the numbers issue at this point, since you can have all of his cousins, if that is what he wants.  

antoto

Wait I'm confused.  So you CAN host all of the cousins... so why don't you want to?  It seems like it would make your FI happy, and would probably make his entire side happy, and would also put a stop to a pretty big fight.  A 100 person wedding isn't a small, intimate wedding... so since you will not be having a small, intimate wedding regardless ... why not compromise?  

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

I have 24 first cousins (or SO that is 48).  DH has 3 (or 6 with SO).  I would have been heart broken if DH even suggested that his cousins were invited and mind could not be.      Life isn't fair sometimes.  He should not be penalized because his family choose to procreate at a higher rate than your own.

I don't think that is what is even going on here.  If we take her FI at his word, he is ok with not inviting his cousins.  But he is making this a tit for tat, which it shouldn't be. . . if he was truly ok with not inviting his cousins.

I think the greater issues is that he isn't being honest with OP and he actualy really does want his cousins there.

crackktheskyy

@PrettyGirlLost : This is a good point but I think we need to ask OP if it is really a tit for tat thing. If the argument is a tit for tat type argument, than I have a better understanding of OP's frustration. When I originally read the post, however, I assumed that OP's FH wanted his cousins there, but was willing to cut cousins because OP wants a small wedding. If this is the case and her FH wants his cousins but is willing to scale back because she wants a smaller wedding, I think all or none should be invited if they can all be accommodated and budget isn't an issue.

HisGirlFriday13

I've read this whole thread and I'm still confused. Does he want his cousins there or not? If yes, let him invite them. If not, don't.

But whether he invites his has no bearing on you inviting yours, unless you make it have one.

I have six sets of aunts/uncles and 15 first cousins/SOs. DH has one cousin, two aunts, and one uncle. Our sides weren't 'even.' And if DH had suggested that he could invite his one cousin but I couldn't invite my 15 because he wanted a small wedding, I would have been hurt -- and angry.

You seem really hung up on his 80 to your 1. You need to let that go.

You two need to sit down and make a list (each of you independently) of the people you want there. Not the people you feel like you should invite, but the absolute must-haves. If his cousins are on his list, then they are.

You seem to have a bug hang-up on 'being fair.' Life isn't fair.

jessicabessica

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

I have 24 first cousins (or SO that is 48).  DH has 3 (or 6 with SO).  I would have been heart broken if DH even suggested that his cousins were invited and mind could not be.      Life isn't fair sometimes.  He should not be penalized because his family choose to procreate at a higher rate than your own.

I don't think that is what is even going on here.  If we take her FI at his word, he is ok with not inviting his cousins.  But he is making this a tit for tat, which it shouldn't be. . . if he was truly ok with not inviting his cousins.

I think the greater issues is that he isn't being honest with OP and he actualy really does want his cousins there.

On this point, I would highly encourage you to talk to your FI about saying what he wants.  When I was growing up, expectations were not always clear, and I was used to asking multiple times to make sure that I wouldn't upset someone by doing what they said they were ok with.  My H is not at all like that--if he says he is fine with something, he is--and it is so incredibly refreshing.  Now that I see the difference, it's something I am working on myself as well.  

mbross3

You don't have to do all or none. There is no real "circles" etiquette requirement. Meaning you don't have to invite all of his cousins if you invite your one cousin. Even if you do intend to do "circles" it could be divided by side. Meaning if you invite some of his cousins, then you invite all of his cousins, but it wouldn't change the invites on your side.

Honestly I think the idea of circles is silly, especially in a situation like yours! Invite your cousin, and if he's close to some of his cousins invite the ones he's close to!

Especially since your parents are paying for the entire wedding, if it's important to them to invite your cousin, definitely do that. 

grumbledore

jessicabessica said:

Who is paying for the wedding?  If the parents are not paying, they don't get a say.  

That said, I think your FI is being unreasonable.  Yes, you generally invite in circles, but I don't think that means you have to invite to the same degree of closeness on each side.  I would stick to inviting in circles on your side and inviting in circles on his side.  Maybe he is not really ok with excluding his cousins.  If he is, then it cannot be conditioned on you not having your 1 cousin and her family there.  

My H's family is larger than mine (his dad is 1 of 8, whereas my parents have 1-2 siblings each).  We invited all of his aunts, uncles, and first cousins (and their families, if applicable).  On my side we invited some more distant cousins because I have less first cousins and grew up a little closer to my second cousins.  

I agree. Within his family, it will be important to invite in circles, but you should each get to choose people you want to invite within whatever number of guests you are comfortable inviting total, so I think you can invite your one cousin without him having to invite dozens of cousins.

PrettyGirlLost

crackktheskyy said:

@PrettyGirlLost : This is a good point but I think we need to ask OP if it is really a tit for tat thing. If the argument is a tit for tat type argument, than I have a better understanding of OP's frustration. When I originally read the post, however, I assumed that OP's FH wanted his cousins there, but was willing to cut cousins because OP wants a small wedding. If this is the case and her FH wants his cousins but is willing to scale back because she wants a smaller wedding, I think all or none should be invited if they can all be accommodated and budget isn't an issue.

They are already inviting 196 people. . . the horse is long out of the barn on that issue.  They are in no way having a small wedding, lol!

I agree we need clarification, but I don't agree that all or none should be invited.  OP may claim budget isn't an issue, but her parent's are paying for the wedding.  I would not expect my parents to pay for 80 additional people just so I could invite a single person I wanted.  That seems unreasonable to me, especially if FI really doesn't care if his cousins are invited.

If the truth of the matter is that her FI really wants these people to be invited, then they need to check with her parents and be sure they are willing to add another 80ppl to the guest list and budget.

lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

lyndausvi said:

I have 24 first cousins (or SO that is 48).  DH has 3 (or 6 with SO).  I would have been heart broken if DH even suggested that his cousins were invited and mind could not be.      Life isn't fair sometimes.  He should not be penalized because his family choose to procreate at a higher rate than your own.

I don't think that is what is even going on here.  If we take her FI at his word, he is ok with not inviting his cousins.  But he is making this a tit for tat, which it shouldn't be. . . if he was truly ok with not inviting his cousins.

I think the greater issues is that he isn't being honest with OP and he actualy really does want his cousins there.

Or he is saying. You want a smaller wedding I'm willing to get rid of All the cousins to bring down the numbers.    She took it was only his.  He takes it as both.   Now they are at a stand still.

The situation sucks.    She wants a smaller wedding and her cousin.   He is willing to give her the smaller wedding at the expense of ALL cousins.   I guess in his mind they both are compromising?

PrettyGirlLost

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I've read this whole thread and I'm still confused. Does he want his cousins there or not? If yes, let him invite them. If not, don't. But whether he invites his has no bearing on you inviting yours, unless you make it have one. I have six sets of aunts/uncles and 15 first cousins/SOs. DH has one cousin, two aunts, and one uncle. Our sides weren't 'even.' And if DH had suggested that he could invite his one cousin but I couldn't invite my 15 because he wanted a small wedding, I would have been hurt -- and angry. You seem really hung up on his 80 to your 1. You need to let that go. You two need to sit down and make a list (each of you independently) of the people you want there. Not the people you feel like you should invite, but the absolute must-haves. If his cousins are on his list, then they are. You seem to have a bug hang-up on 'being fair.' Life isn't fair.

All of this, but I think they need to run any new guests by her parents as well, since they are paying.

antoto

mbross3 said:

You don't have to do all or none. There is no real "circles" etiquette requirement. Meaning you don't have to invite all of his cousins if you invite your one cousin. Even if you do intend to do "circles" it could be divided by side. Meaning if you invite some of his cousins, then you invite all of his cousins, but it wouldn't change the invites on your side.

Honestly I think the idea of circles is silly, especially in a situation like yours! Invite your cousin, and if he's close to some of his cousins invite the ones he's close to!

Especially since your parents are paying for the entire wedding, if it's important to them to invite your cousin, definitely do that. 

But equally, if he decides he wants to invite his cousins then he has every right to do so.