Bridesmaid gone Bridezilla

thefuturemrssisk

Hi everyone,

I really just need some advice. I have a bridesmaid who is also a bride. She got engaged in October 2013 and I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding. I'm also planning her wedding, which is in May 2014.

I got engaged in December 2013, set the date for June 2014, and before ever mentioning anything about my wedding party to anyone, she made a comment saying "I can't wait to be a bridesmaid in your wedding!" I didn't say anything because honestly, I was speechless. The next time we spoke she said it again and I simply replied "Well, I haven't figured out my wedding party yet because I don't know how many people I want to limit it to." Her response was "That's fine. I don't care who else is in it. I'm just excited to be a bridesmaid."

For those of you who haven't figured it out: I NEVER wanted her in the wedding party. Not that we're not friends, but I don't consider us to be THAT close and honestly, I get annoyed every time she's around. However, she was so excited that I thought "how bad could it be?" and just went along with it. Since then, she blessed me out that I wasn't going to have time to plan her wedding if I'm planning mine for a month later (to which I've told her would be completely fine, and every time I've spoken to her it's been about HER wedding). She didn't show up to my engagement party because "she was sick," but she posted Facebook statuses about going out with her fiancé that same night. The following weekend she didn't show up to shop for my wedding dress, with the excuse of being sick again (she claimed it was life-threatening) and then she posted pictures the next day of her and her fiancé at a concert the night before. We set the date to get bridesmaids' dresses, which she said worked for her. She bailed 2 weeks before with no excuse except that she was busy, so we moved it up a week, so that she would be able to go. She showed up and acted sick the whole time, and made rude comments about EVERY dress and then told another bridesmaid that I was just being controlling wanting all the dresses to be the same. She didn't speak to me more than once the entire day. Two days later, she asked if I could go shopping for her bridesmaids' dresses the upcoming weekend 9the one she originally bailed on)!

Now, I know that it's too late to kick her to the curb, and also that it would be considered rude, but what I'm asking is: how can I possibly deal with this situation?? I've tried talking to her, but she constantly makes excuses and then starts talking about her wedding. I don't know how to get my point across that she's acting like a brat and that it's unappreciated. HELP!

chibiyui

Stop including her. Tell her what dress she needs and when and where to show up. If she doesn't show up then oh well.

AddieCake

Ditto chibiyui. And honestly, I have little sympathy for you b/c you made this bed yourself. You never should have included her in your wedding party if you didn't want her.

OliveOilsMom

thefuturemrssisk said:

Hi everyone,

I really just need some advice. I have a bridesmaid who is also a bride. She got engaged in October 2013 and I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding. I'm also planning her wedding, which is in May 2014.

I got engaged in December 2013, set the date for June 2014, and before ever mentioning anything about my wedding party to anyone, she made a comment saying "I can't wait to be a bridesmaid in your wedding!" I didn't say anything because honestly, I was speechless. The next time we spoke she said it again and I simply replied "Well, I haven't figured out my wedding party yet because I don't know how many people I want to limit it to." Her response was "That's fine. I don't care who else is in it. I'm just excited to be a bridesmaid."

For those of you who haven't figured it out: I NEVER wanted her in the wedding party. Not that we're not friends, but I don't consider us to be THAT close and honestly, I get annoyed every time she's around. However, she was so excited that I thought "how bad could it be?" and just went along with it. Since then, she blessed me out that I wasn't going to have time to plan her wedding if I'm planning mine for a month later (to which I've told her would be completely fine, and every time I've spoken to her it's been about HER wedding). She didn't show up to my engagement party because "she was sick," but she posted Facebook statuses about going out with her fiancé that same night. The following weekend she didn't show up to shop for my wedding dress, with the excuse of being sick again (she claimed it was life-threatening) and then she posted pictures the next day of her and her fiancé at a concert the night before. We set the date to get bridesmaids' dresses, which she said worked for her. She bailed 2 weeks before with no excuse except that she was busy, so we moved it up a week, so that she would be able to go. She showed up and acted sick the whole time, and made rude comments about EVERY dress and then told another bridesmaid that I was just being controlling wanting all the dresses to be the same. She didn't speak to me more than once the entire day. Two days later, she asked if I could go shopping for her bridesmaids' dresses the upcoming weekend 9the one she originally bailed on)!

Now, I know that it's too late to kick her to the curb, and also that it would be considered rude, but what I'm asking is: how can I possibly deal with this situation?? I've tried talking to her, but she constantly makes excuses and then starts talking about her wedding. I don't know how to get my point across that she's acting like a brat and that it's unappreciated. HELP!

Just stop talking to her about the weddings (her and yours).  Get her budget for the BM dress and just pick one out with the rest of the girls.  Then give her the dress specifics and date to order by.

Has she always been this flaky?  Making plans and then pretending to be sick, but really going out somewhere with her FI?  If she is always like this, she will not change just because you are getting married.  She always turns every conversation back around to herself, I'm sure she did this prior to the weddings as well.  This is probably just her normal personality and it's been heightened by her excitement about her own wedding.

  

Also, it sounds like you really don't want to be friends with this girl.  If that is the case, then slowly start backing away from the friendship and it will naturally fizzle.  Just get through the weddings first.

MairePoppy

Why are you planning her wedding? 

Jen4948

Stop talking to her about your wedding and let her know that it's her responsibility, but not yours, to plan hers.

JMalettas

 I had a similar situation as yours, with one of my BMs, except that she wasn't also a bride. She turned into a crazy person, basically doing things as you're describing, (and worse). It got to the point, where I let her know important things that she 'had' to know, and when she had to be somewhere. Then otherwise, made no contact with her up until the wedding. She spent most of the wedding night on her phone at the head table, (even after WP members asked her wtf she was doing), and I've seen her once since. Sometimes weddings bring out people's true colours, & although I'm not cutting her completely out of my life post wedding, I'm definitely not making an effort! 

 Good luck to you..really!

 *J

jenniferurs

Lower your expectations. She's not required to do any of the things you're asking of her and she has a lot going on in her own life. The only things she needs to do are buy the dress and show up wearing it, so don't ask any more of her than that and you'll both end up happy.

thefuturemrssisk

@AddieL73 Like I said, I figured it would be harmless to let her be in it. I try not to deliberately hurt people's feelings, as it sounds like you would have done.

@OliveOilsMom Yes, she's always been very self-centered, but wasn't ever really flaky. Normally, she'd make everything about her, BUT she would show up. She's never been known to lie about where she's going and not show up.

@MairePoppy It's actually my job. I do wedding and event planning, but I was doing hers for free because she wanted a wedding planner but couldn't afford it.

@JMalettas That's terrible! That's what I'm trying to avoid. I really don't want to get to the rehearsal dinner and have her constantly on her phone or talking about her wedding, and then possibly flake on my wedding day. I know I can't ask her to step down, but I know I need to do something before things get really out of control.

AddieCake

Excuse me? I fail to see how not asking someone I don't want to be in my wedding TO be in my wedding indicates that I deliberately hurt people's feelings. Can I be invited to your wedding? You have to say yes. If you don't, it will hurt my feelings. As you clearly would never deliberately hurt someone's feelings, I guess I can expect an invitation in the mail soon. I would hate for you to be a hypocrite, after all.

thefuturemrssisk

@AddieL73 If you had seriously read the post then you would note that she believes that we are very good friends. We were roommates a few years ago and she was one of my sorority sisters. Also, I'm in her wedding. All of these reasons are why I felt it harmless to let her be a bridesmaid. I never said I would let any stranger that walked through the door be a bridesmaid, however, with her, it was a much different situation because of our past history. Also, you're trying to be smart and witty, thinking that saying that makes me a hypocrite but you fail to realize that I'm the type of person who would gladly invite you to the wedding. However, you didn't give me your name and address, so how could I possibly mail an invite? My original post stated that I needed some advice, not someone who trolls through posts because they have nothing better to do telling me that they don't feel sorry for me. I never asked you to pity me, and honestly, I could care less if you feel sorry for me or not, I simply wanted to get some advice on how some DECENT human beings would handle the current situation. Telling me I should have never let her be in the wedding does not aid advice to my current situation, because I can't change what's already done.

AddieCake

I love that my responding here means I have nothing better to do. One could say that anyone posting here, including you, has nothing better to do. So why is it that it's only me? You're glad the others in this thread had "nothing better to do," though, aren't you? I also love how I'm not a decent human being because I expressed my thoughts and wouldn't have asked someone to be in my wedding that I didn't want in my wedding. If you read my post, you should also notice that I said ditto to what a previous poster said, which was, therefore, giving you advice. If I choose to add my additional thoughts on the subject, I will. You did, after all, post on a public forum. Also, the expression is "could NOT care less." To say you COULD care less says you, well, COULD care less, and that does not send the message you are wanting it to. Good luck with the rest of your wedding planning, and I hope you have a lovely wedding day!

thefuturemrssisk

@AddieL73 I've seen your posts on many, many boards and the majority of the comments seem very rude or offensive to me, so that is what I meant by your trolling. Responding with "ditto" doesn't exactly aid advice. If someone has already said it, then it really doesn't stimulate the conversation for you to simply repeat what they said. If we're going to argue on grammar now, I meant exactly what I said. I care what everyone has to say, I simply care less about your thoughts on whether you pity me or not and more about some advice that people can give me on my current situation. You really shouldn't argue about people's grammar, if you can't manage to understand the context. Also, I'm confused as to why you didn't leave me your name and address, since you wanted an invitation to the wedding, but good luck with your own life, sweetie!

cookie0803

Addie has been giving helpful advice on these boards for quite some time. Her advice and opinions are valued by many. Also, "ditto" can often be a useful reply, as it shows that someone else agrees that PP has given solid advice, without repeating word for word.


I agree with PPs that you should simply give BM the info on the dress, date, and time, and leave it at that.

thefuturemrssisk

@cookie0803 Advice that is valued by many, also hurts many. The majority of the comments I've seen have been rude or offensive in my opinion. I'm not saying that everyone should feel the same way. I'm simply saying that it is my opinion. With that being said, telling me that I should have never made this girl a bridesmaid when there's nothing I can do about it, and telling me that she doesn't feel sorry for me is not advice. There's clearly nothing I can do about what has already happened, and I never asked anyone to feel pity for the situation. That was my point.

Thank you for your advice on the bridesmaid. I appreciate you trying to help.

MuppetOverlord

Addie is a pretty amazing person who takes a lot of her time to help people on here. She's highly intelligent, logical and caring and she shits rainbows.

Your attempts to make her sound like an uncaring, indecent human being nauseates me.

You aren't a better person for allowing this acquaintance to be in your wedding. You're just letting her think she's your friend and having her invest time and money in your wedding when you could've simply told her she's not in the wedding.

rajahmd

First of all, "ditto" is still perfectly good advice because it shows that the previous advice is even more helpful. The higher the number of people who agree with a certain piece of advice, the better that piece of advice is.

Second, if you didn't want her in the wedding, you shouldn't have let her push her way in. All you're doing is making her think y'all are closer than you are. I would bet good money that the reason she avoids wedding related events is because you either only talk about wedding with her or she can feel that you didn't actually want her in the wedding through subconscious differences in how you treat her.

Third, all you can do now is tell her what dress to buy and when and when she has to be there for the wedding. If she gets the dress, great. If not, she's essentially taken herself out of the wedding party.

rajahmd

Also, I've never seen Addie say anything offensive. She's one of the nicest posters on the site. I have a feeling you are misinterpreting bluntness for offensiveness. She frequently gives other posters blunt but honest advice, because she doesn't sugarcoat. Blunt does not equal offensive.

mlg78

I have nothing helpful to add other than I LOVE ADDIE!

HisGirlFriday13

So your hypocrisy has landed you in hot water and now you're pissed that a poster here gave you good advice?

This is all on you. You led her to believe you and she were good friends by being in her wedding, you added to that by agreeing to plan her wedding for free, and you cemented it by having her in your wedding even though you don't like her.

And in all of that, you think you did the right thing by not hurting her feelings? How do you run a business when you don't hurt feelings? Do you never fire anyone or tell them they did a bad job?

Here's my advice: back out of her wedding. She'll probably back out of yours. Problem solved.

ETF typo

PrettyGirlLost

Who is craving waffles right now?  Just me?

HaileyDancingbear

Seriously?  You think Addie is horrible and mean and offensive?  You are too sensitive for a public internet forum, even at her most blunt she's a rainbow compared to most of the internet.  

Seriously, I've seen nastier stuff said to people over funny cat pictures than I've ever seen here.

MadHops21

thefuturemrssisk said:

@AddieL73 I've seen your posts on many, many boards and the majority of the comments seem very rude or offensive to me, so that is what I meant by your trolling. Responding with "ditto" doesn't exactly aid advice. If someone has already said it, then it really doesn't stimulate the conversation for you to simply repeat what they said. If we're going to argue on grammar now, I meant exactly what I said. I care what everyone has to say, I simply care less about your thoughts on whether you pity me or not and more about some advice that people can give me on my current situation. You really shouldn't argue about people's grammar, if you can't manage to understand the context. Also, I'm confused as to why you didn't leave me your name and address, since you wanted an invitation to the wedding, but good luck with your own life, sweetie!

Ugh. People who say "sweetie" usually have their panties in a bunch and ran out of insults. 

chibiyui

Kelcita21 said:

thefuturemrssisk said:

@AddieL73 I've seen your posts on many, many boards and the majority of the comments seem very rude or offensive to me, so that is what I meant by your trolling. Responding with "ditto" doesn't exactly aid advice. If someone has already said it, then it really doesn't stimulate the conversation for you to simply repeat what they said. If we're going to argue on grammar now, I meant exactly what I said. I care what everyone has to say, I simply care less about your thoughts on whether you pity me or not and more about some advice that people can give me on my current situation. You really shouldn't argue about people's grammar, if you can't manage to understand the context. Also, I'm confused as to why you didn't leave me your name and address, since you wanted an invitation to the wedding, but good luck with your own life, sweetie!

Ugh. People who say "sweetie" usually have their panties in a bunch and ran out of insults. 

Ex-squeeze me?

MadHops21

chibiyui I don't know what gif that is from, but I've seen that actress so many times, I can hear her accent. 

MuppetOverlord

I'm interested in what's going through the heads of the folks who "loved" OPs comments.

MuppetOverlord

Kelcita21 said:

chibiyui I don't know what gif that is from, but I've seen that actress so many times, I can hear her accent. 

Doctor Who.

PrettyGirlLost

Hey Lurkers- This is why you only screw yourself over when you are passive aggressive, or just flat out refuse to deal with a situation as in this OP.

She didn't want this friend to be in her bridal party, so when the conversation came up, she should have been careful, polite, and direct with this girl and told her she wasn't in the WP. 

Would it have been an uncomfortable conversation?  Sure, but as an adult uncomfortable conversations are going to come up. . . in fact they will come up as part of your married life.  So you need to get used to the idea of having them and confronting and resolving situations that you are not ok with.

Cookie Pusher

 

MuppetOverlord said:

Kelcita21 said:

chibiyui I don't know what gif that is from, but I've seen that actress so many times, I can hear her accent. 

Doctor Who.

She was Dr. Corday on ER too (married to Dr. Green).

climbingsingle

Hey Lurkers- This is why you only screw yourself over when you are passive aggressive, or just flat out refuse to deal with a situation as in this OP.

She didn't want this friend to be in her bridal party, so when the conversation came up, she should have been careful, polite, and direct with this girl and told her she wasn't in the WP. 

Would it have been an uncomfortable conversation?  Sure, but as an adult uncomfortable conversations are going to come up. . . in fact they will come up as part of your married life.  So you need to get used to the idea of having them and confronting and resolving situations that you are not ok with.

BOX! Seriously, this is a case of knowing when to put your big girl panties on. I'm only having a MOH. Did I have friends that were disappointed? Yes! And I discussed it with them, instead of just avoiding a conversation that may have been a tad uncomfortable. And guess what - all my friends respected me for it and were totally fine with my decision. 

So to recap: Grow up and put your big girl panties on. 

abbyj700

Yeah...this is super odd to me. Why would you let someone in your wedding party that you didn't want? You should have explained it to her before all of this happened. My wedding is a special day for me, FI and those we love - we have specifically chosen people we want to stand up with us and to be there - no pressure to invite anyone otherwise to be a part of either of those circles who don't fit in them. 

You can't require her to do anything other than purchase and wear your selected BM dress and show up. Perhaps if you wouldn't have let someone in who  you weren't close with they would WANT to do these things - but you surely can't force them.