Did you make an ettiquette mistake?

grumbledore

I'm sick of hearing excuses for why couples "can't" host their guests properly.

lyndausvi

grumbledore said:

I'm sick of hearing excuses for why couples "can't" host their guests properly.

HERE, HERE!

Cookie Pusher

I'm sick of people who act like mind readers and say they KNOW their guests have no problems with their crappy hosting.

AddieCake

Ionewton said:

I am so over hearing that a cash bar is bad etiquette. I would love to have an open bar but to even think about how my fiancé and I would be able to afford it, is absurd. We are paying for everything ourselves and have a decent budget of $12,000. I think the couple bottles of wine on tables will just have to do. 

I am so over people thinking cash bar or full open bar are the only options.

MollyandD

AddieL73 said:

Ionewton said:

I am so over hearing that a cash bar is bad etiquette. I would love to have an open bar but to even think about how my fiancé and I would be able to afford it, is absurd. We are paying for everything ourselves and have a decent budget of $12,000. I think the couple bottles of wine on tables will just have to do. 

I am so over people thinking cash bar or full open bar are the only options.

I can't afford a full open bar, so I'm deciding between no alcohol or (what I'm leaning toward) renting an alcoholic slush machine. I like that, because I can provide alcohol for less than $200. I just also have to hire a bar tender for that option, according to venue rules (understandable).

phira

@Molly&Domenic It's weird that I have experience with this, but as a warning, slush machines are messy and kids will be excited for slushies. So if you're having kids at your wedding, you'll need to make sure that there's someone (a staff member/vendor/not a guest) watching the machine to make sure kids aren't getting drunk. And, uh, lots of napkins and paper towels and Tide stain pens.

(But oh my god alcoholic slush machine = very yes)

MollyandD

@Phira Thank you for the advice. Actually, my fiancé and I do not drink at all. The machine we are thinking of has two sides of varying sizes. We may have a virgin side for kids and for us. And we have to have a bar tender watching it. It's a rule of the venue. The rental company is going to help us find one, or we have friends that work in bars and may just hire one of their coworkers.

jalyndani

I haven't committed the mistake (well, not yet anyway), but I just got a phone call from FMIL regarding our shower.

FI's aunt and two very kind ladies that are best friends w/ FMIL are hosting a couples shower for us in FI's hometown that is 4 hours away from mine. My parents have set a modest budget for our wedding that is perfectly acceptable and was gratefully accepted with love because FI and I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS agreed that we wanted a small, intimate celebration. Nothing elaborate or grand or over the top with a 300-person guest list. Just our immediate families, our attendants, and a few close friends of ours and our parents (including the ladies hosting the shower). Well, FMIL just called me to inform us of the plans so far. They're planning to invite all of FI's groomsmen's parents as well as their many friends in their hometown area because they've all known FI since he was a wee tot and they want to celebrate too, even though they aren't all invited to the wedding. 

Now, I haven't been included in any wedding or shower plans in my 30 years so I don't know much about shower guest lists, but I do know from reading TK that this is a no-no. And these are ladies that are very much "up to snuff" on proper etiquette as they've all had daughters get married. I guess all I can do is sit back and smile and accept the lovely shower they're throwing for us? 

huskypuppy14

jalyndani said:

I haven't committed the mistake (well, not yet anyway), but I just got a phone call from FMIL regarding our shower.

FI's aunt and two very kind ladies that are best friends w/ FMIL are hosting a couples shower for us in FI's hometown that is 4 hours away from mine. My parents have set a modest budget for our wedding that is perfectly acceptable and was gratefully accepted with love because FI and I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS agreed that we wanted a small, intimate celebration. Nothing elaborate or grand or over the top with a 300-person guest list. Just our immediate families, our attendants, and a few close friends of ours and our parents (including the ladies hosting the shower). Well, FMIL just called me to inform us of the plans so far. They're planning to invite all of FI's groomsmen's parents as well as their many friends in their hometown area because they've all known FI since he was a wee tot and they want to celebrate too, even though they aren't all invited to the wedding. 

Now, I haven't been included in any wedding or shower plans in my 30 years so I don't know much about shower guest lists, but I do know from reading TK that this is a no-no. And these are ladies that are very much "up to snuff" on proper etiquette as they've all had daughters get married. I guess all I can do is sit back and smile and accept the lovely shower they're throwing for us? 

Decline the shower, and tell them why.

antoto

jalyndani said:

I haven't committed the mistake (well, not yet anyway), but I just got a phone call from FMIL regarding our shower.

FI's aunt and two very kind ladies that are best friends w/ FMIL are hosting a couples shower for us in FI's hometown that is 4 hours away from mine. My parents have set a modest budget for our wedding that is perfectly acceptable and was gratefully accepted with love because FI and I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS agreed that we wanted a small, intimate celebration. Nothing elaborate or grand or over the top with a 300-person guest list. Just our immediate families, our attendants, and a few close friends of ours and our parents (including the ladies hosting the shower). Well, FMIL just called me to inform us of the plans so far. They're planning to invite all of FI's groomsmen's parents as well as their many friends in their hometown area because they've all known FI since he was a wee tot and they want to celebrate too, even though they aren't all invited to the wedding. 

Now, I haven't been included in any wedding or shower plans in my 30 years so I don't know much about shower guest lists, but I do know from reading TK that this is a no-no. And these are ladies that are very much "up to snuff" on proper etiquette as they've all had daughters get married. I guess all I can do is sit back and smile and accept the lovely shower they're throwing for us? 

Tell them how appreciative you are that they are doing this for you but that it makes you extremely uncomfortable to have someone at your shower who is not invited to the wedding.  If they refuse to cut the guest list then I would suggest kindly declining.

Inkdancer

antoto said:

jalyndani said:

I haven't committed the mistake (well, not yet anyway), but I just got a phone call from FMIL regarding our shower.

FI's aunt and two very kind ladies that are best friends w/ FMIL are hosting a couples shower for us in FI's hometown that is 4 hours away from mine. My parents have set a modest budget for our wedding that is perfectly acceptable and was gratefully accepted with love because FI and I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS agreed that we wanted a small, intimate celebration. Nothing elaborate or grand or over the top with a 300-person guest list. Just our immediate families, our attendants, and a few close friends of ours and our parents (including the ladies hosting the shower). Well, FMIL just called me to inform us of the plans so far. They're planning to invite all of FI's groomsmen's parents as well as their many friends in their hometown area because they've all known FI since he was a wee tot and they want to celebrate too, even though they aren't all invited to the wedding. 

Now, I haven't been included in any wedding or shower plans in my 30 years so I don't know much about shower guest lists, but I do know from reading TK that this is a no-no. And these are ladies that are very much "up to snuff" on proper etiquette as they've all had daughters get married. I guess all I can do is sit back and smile and accept the lovely shower they're throwing for us? 

Tell them how appreciative you are that they are doing this for you but that it makes you extremely uncomfortable to have someone at your shower who is not invited to the wedding.  If they refuse to cut the guest list then I would suggest kindly declining.

THIS. It's not hard to say "I would be uncomfortable inviting people who will not be invited to the wedding. I don't want to hurt any feelings by inviting them to one and not the other." Either they will change it (more likely) or the shower won't happen (less likely).

JellyBean52513

Ionewton said:

I am so over hearing that a cash bar is bad etiquette. I would love to have an open bar but to even think about how my fiancé and I would be able to afford it, is absurd. We are paying for everything ourselves and have a decent budget of $12,000. I think the couple bottles of wine on tables will just have to do. 

Sorry to torture your tired ears but: cash bars are bad etiquette. You're choosing to host people, host them properly. Either cut your guest list, cut in other places (i.e., nobody cares about how nice your centerpieces are if they have to fork over cash to have a drink), or find a way to come up with some extra money until you're able to afford a properly hosted bar. BTW, hosting only wine and beer is perfectly acceptable.

I don't understand why people even set a date without knowing how much they'll need to have in their budget in order to properly host their guests. My SO and I just decided to start saving up now because he has a gigantic family and we both refuse to compromise anyone's comfort or good time when the day does come. Also, for plenty of people in his circle, cash bars at social events are 100% the norm but that doesn't mean we have an excuse to be rude and host our event that way. There's really no excuse for poor hosting.

renee_lynn

I think I've said Congratulations to them as a couple, and have written best wishes on your marriage in the card or something like that. Usually with the girl I've said "I am so excited for you!". 

delujm0

Ionewton said:

I am so over hearing that a cash bar is bad etiquette. I would love to have an open bar but to even think about how my fiancé and I would be able to afford it, is absurd. We are paying for everything ourselves and have a decent budget of $12,000. I think the couple bottles of wine on tables will just have to do. 

Well, cash bar IS bad etiquette.  It is a fact.  If you choose to do it, just own the fact that you are making a decision that is against etiquette, and stop trying to defend yourself here.

 

If all you can afford to provide is bottles of wine on each table, then that is all of the booze that should be available at your event.  That is more than fine.  Provide bottles of wine and non-alcoholic drinks and let that be the end of it.  Don't give your guests the option of paying for other drinks if they choose to.  That is what makes it tacky.  If your guests don't like what you are providing for them, THEY are the rude ones, not you.

arrippa

renee_lynn said:

I think I've said Congratulations to them as a couple, and have written best wishes on your marriage in the card or something like that. Usually with the girl I've said "I am so excited for you!". 

Because of Gilmore Girls, I have learned that best wishes go to the bride and congratulations to the groom.

crunchymamaof2

My eyes hurt from the selfishness that oozes out if these last 2 pages. From what the first poster said it sounds like she's only getting married in the church to appease her parents, which if true, is insulting to the faith. That's your first issue. Secondly, you could have found other reception venues. Don't act like a hero due to your fathers illness. Choose a different day of the week or find a new venue or host these poor people at the hotel bar. By not doing so you're either lazy, or just full of yourself, or. Both. And th cash bar queen. We had a fully open bar for about 75 people and our entire wedding cost less than $8000. $12000 can get you plenty, even if it is jut the wine on the tables. Making your guests pay for anything makes you a terrible host. Both posters need to cut the excuses. Either admit you're rude and don't give a crap or fix things.

grumbledore

acove2006 said:

My eyes hurt from the selfishness that oozes out if these last 2 pages. From what the first poster said it sounds like she's only getting married in the church to appease her parents, which if true, is insulting to the faith. That's your first issue. Secondly, you could have found other reception venues. Don't act like a hero due to your fathers illness. Choose a different day of the week or find a new venue or host these poor people at the hotel bar. By not doing so you're either lazy, or just full of yourself, or. Both. And th cash bar queen. We had a fully open bar for about 75 people and our entire wedding cost less than $8000. $12000 can get you plenty, even if it is jut the wine on the tables. Making your guests pay for anything makes you a terrible host. Both posters need to cut the excuses. Either admit you're rude and don't give a crap or fix things.

A-freaking-men. And re: getting married in the church just to appease relatives - this pisses me off to no end. I wish people had more conviction.

sarahufl

moemacWed30594 said:

renee_lynn said:

I think I've said Congratulations to them as a couple, and have written best wishes on your marriage in the card or something like that. Usually with the girl I've said "I am so excited for you!". 

Because of Gilmore Girls, I have learned that best wishes go to the bride and congratulations to the groom.

So funny, I watched that episode the other day

[Deleted User]

This is not rude to guests but I chose three -of honors (maid/matron) out of my 6 BMs. One was a little hurt. I am also planning on not writing out the full name of two guests because FI said they don't like going by that name.

pinkshorts27

This is not rude to guests but I chose three -of honors (maid/matron) out of my 6 BMs. One was a little hurt. I am also planning on not writing out the full name of two guests because FI said they don't like going by that name.

Boxes. But I don't think it is ever poor etiquette to call someone by their preferred name. That is respectful to their wishes and being a thoughtful hostess.

ashleyep

We might be sort of doing a B List. FI has a lot of family drama and it's looking like his mom's side of the family will decline. FI is so bummed and worried about the room being empty (which I told him is silly) but wants a backup plan in case they all do choose to make a point and not attend.

He knows all the etiquette rules, I've been telling him as situations come up on here, and he's on board with them, but this situation has been worrying him the whole wedding planning that I don't feel like I can say no. My side of the guest list is already way bigger than his.

But it would be more like those 15-20 family members get an early RSVP date. The rest of the invitations go out like normal with a normal RSVP date (not that that makes it okay).

aleighc3

I'm having an open bar and my budget is $5,000, for everything...

JCbride2015

ashleyep said:

We might be sort of doing a B List. FI has a lot of family drama and it's looking like his mom's side of the family will decline. FI is so bummed and worried about the room being empty (which I told him is silly) but wants a backup plan in case they all do choose to make a point and not attend.

He knows all the etiquette rules, I've been telling him as situations come up on here, and he's on board with them, but this situation has been worrying him the whole wedding planning that I don't feel like I can say no. My side of the guest list is already way bigger than his.

But it would be more like those 15-20 family members get an early RSVP date. The rest of the invitations go out like normal with a normal RSVP date (not that that makes it okay).

So just invite everyone in the first place, and be happy if his mom's family shows up.  It's definitely a B list.

msuprincess04

We ended up spelling a few names wrong on our invitations. No one corrected our Save the Dates so I think we were a little more lax when it came to the invitations themselves. Plus, I checked a lot of names again Facebook names, which we learned were often purposefully spelled incorrectly. I also put FI in charge of checking his own list, which he admits he never really did. Ah well. It's all done now and the seating cards will be correct. 

delujm0

Just figured this one out when i was addressing invitations the other day...

 

I sent a STD to my stepbrother and his GF (they're in college but have been together since high school).  I didn't know her last name so i got it from FB.  Well, i went to address the invitations and i hadn't written her last name down anywhere and forgot how to spell it, so I went back to FB to get it, and she's no longer on there.  So i sent my dad a text.  I guess what she had on FB before was actually her middle name, because what my dad sent me was completely different from what I remembered putting on the STD.  oops. 

 

this probably sounds worse than it is...we're not close.  my dad didn't marry his mom until i was in college, and he's 10 years younger than me, so other than holidays we don't see much of each other.  But it's the thought that counts right?  at least i tried instead of giving him the old "and guest!"

classyduck

When I started planning this in earnest a couple months ago, I posted excitedly to my facebook that I had bought a dress. It later occurred to me that some of the people who would read that would not be invited. I have since avoided any wedding discussion to my general friends list, or to people who won't be invited -- unless they ask. I do have coworkers I probably won't invite who know I'm getting married and are friendly and ask how it's going, so I answer. I don't bring it up though.

classyduck

Oh-- thought of another one. I'm in my early thirties, and I feel pretty well established in my Condo. A coworker offered to throw me a bridal shower. I thanked her, but explained that in my situation, I felt like a bridal shower would feel sort of money-grabby, and declined. I really regret how I worded it. I feel like I sounded very ungracious. She was polite, but honestly, I think I hurt her feelings. To make it worse, she had just gotten married a couple years ago, and she had a bridal shower that rivaled some wedding receptions -- she must have gotten thousands of dollars in gifts. She was always glowing -- in a non-bragging way, just happy grateful way -- about how much she loved her shower and joked how she "made out like a bandit." She and her husband really were just starting out and needed everything they got, and I actually attended her shower and happily gave her some gifts. So, by contrast, my comment probably just made it sound like I looked down my nose at her. That really wasn't my intention, but in retrospect, I'm sure that's how it came across. I wish I could fix it somehow, but I'm not sure what to do.

Sugargirl1019

I just realized a few years ago FI was a best man in our friends wedding and I lived 5 hours away working over the summer. I could not make it to their ceremony and halfway through work decided that I wanted to be there (I also recall FI saying they had a place for me at the head table..). After work, I drove the fastest 5 hours ever and arrived after they had made their grand entrance. I had a seat, but I realize it could still be a terrible faux-pas and inconvenience for them. /blush

LDay2014

I was going to make etiquette mistakes...but I listened, and I don't think I am at this point

Besides including RSVPs in our invites, which 'technically' is an etiquette breach.

grumbledore

LDay2014 said:

I was going to make etiquette mistakes...but I listened, and I don't think I am at this point

Besides including RSVPs in our invites, which 'technically' is an etiquette breach.

Yeah I think this one is sort of nuts in the modern age (an excuse I don't like normally) - since technically, the appropriate way to RSVP is to send a hand-written letter on your own stationery to the B&G accepting the invitation, and this just isn't something 95% of people would ever do, this one is just dying a slow, quiet death. It's victimless so I don't think it matters.