Update

HisGirlFriday13

Teddy917 said:

FYI we still haven't gone to therapy yet. He wants to take everything one step at a time. And he wants to first figure out what's going on with Social Security. Aside from that, I found out some new things. Today (it could've been just out of frustration) he said that he doesn't believe that I love him. Apparently, I do something that upsets him and I deny doing it. I'm not sure what it is and he won't tell me. I'm chilling downstairs while he talks with his brother. Thanks for allowing me to vent to you guys.

This first bold, from your OP, is a HUGE RED FLAG -- you do something that bothers him, but he won't tell you what it is, but he'll talk about it with someone else. THAT is a problem. 

The more you post, the more your husband sounds like an abuser. You do something wrong, he won't tell you, he cuts you off emotionally? That's bullshit.

Teddy917 said:

UPDATE: Yesterday, we went to his aunt and uncle's house. He was having a rough day. I was sick so I was miserable too. But he talked to his aunt (not a certified therapist but for him it sometimes is even better) who I love and trust too. And she was able to give him advice (I'm not sure what exactly, I told him if he wanted I would listen and not judge but that I would respect it if he wanted to keep it to himself). He told me that he does love me, he thinks in a "wife" way. He is trying to express it but is having a hard time finding the words. I've been helping him by trying to tell him how/why I love him in a "husband" way and giving him examples of how I see him loving me in a "wife" way (rarely leaving my side while I've been sick, checking on any bump in the night or pain on my arm and taking it seriously even if both might occasionally be imagined more than real).

The examples you cited to him? Those aren't husbandly or wifely. They are normal caretaker things. They're what parents do for kids and friends do for each other. The real husband/wife role would involve telling each other everything, not keeping anything back, being totally open. And frankly, it doesn't sound like that's what you have. I agree with pumpkins; I wonder if you like the caretaker role.

I guess I have a different view of a husband/wife relationship (could be due to the fact that my parents set a different example of husband/wife roles) than you. We do have an open relationship. Some things we do keep private. Things he talks about in therapy, his choice to tell me or not. Secrets his family has told him, if it doesn't affect me, I don't need to know. I tell him most everything but like he doesn't know about what I post here. Not like he doesn't know the information. He just doesn't know I post it. He knows I vent here and ask for advice. Nothing I say here is necessarily supposed to stay secret. It might not always be something we're telling everyone but it's not something random internet friends can't know. I've told him he can read these at anytime. I always stay logged in. So if he wanted to he could but I showed a post to him (not one of mine and more funny than anything) to show what I do here and why I stay even though I'm married. He thinks it's cool and compares it to his game time with his friends via Xbox live (he doesn't know them in real life either). And if I tell someone a secret or someone tells me a secret, strictly confidential.

That may be true -- but I'm guessing that the majority of posters here have a definition that's closer to mine than yours. You're not having a sexual relationship with your husband. You post over and over about the things you have to do for him. Everything you say about the relationship sounds like a caretaker relationship, not an equal partner relationship.

I ditto whichever PP said that you need to start individual counselling ASAP. If your husband won't go (and I suspect he won't) that's just another red flag. 

Please, please, PLEASE seek emotional help.

Also, I ditto @scribe95 with the concern over his hitting you in his sleep -- you said he 'fights things' in his sleep. What things? Why? And if this is a problem, HE NEEDS TO SEE A THERAPIST, like, yesterday, about that. And you need to sleep separately until he does.

And, FWIW, at least in PA, having vision loss in one eye doesn't preclude you from getting a driver's license. 

Teddy917

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security.

In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights.

As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

HisGirlFriday13

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security. In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights. As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

More red flags. Where are you on therapy for yourself? And when are you going to tell him that it's couples therapy or it's your marriage?

ETA: I don't mean to be harsh, but literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you post, I see more red flags. I am concerned for your physical safety, for your mental well-being, and for your emotional health. 

You need to emphasise to him that either he makes couple's counselling a priority or you will walk out of your marriage -- and you need to mean that. 

pumpkinsandturkeys

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security. In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights. As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

There's no one in that center who can treat couples? This should be a priority for him, and a high one at that.

Does he only have delusional episodes when he's asleep, or do they occur in waking hours, too? Are they always aggressive and/or violent?

I worry that even if he's not intending to hurt you, you're going to get hurt anyway. I'm not trying to be judgmental -- I'm genuinely concerned that there's a chance he may not be able to control his actions and that it may result in you being hurt, whether directly or indirectly. I know that paranoia plays a big part in the disorder, and one of those delusions could be him thinking you don't love him, or also the supposed thing that you do that he won't discuss with you. This could quickly spiral into him aggrandizing the delusion and turning it into something worse, and then he could potentially lash out at you or alienate himself from you.

I'm not saying that you can't overcome this; I just know that you both need individual and couples counselling if there's any hope for a satisfying, loving, nurturing relationship. And that's also only if he's capable of and willing to put the work in and provide that.

Teddy917

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security.

In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights.

As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

More red flags. Where are you on therapy for yourself? And when are you going to tell him that it's couples therapy or it's your marriage?

ETA: I don't mean to be harsh, but literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you post, I see more red flags. I am concerned for your physical safety, for your mental well-being, and for your emotional health. 

You need to emphasise to him that either he makes couple's counselling a priority or you will walk out of your marriage -- and you need to mean that. 

The "marriage counseling or walk" thing is actually something he said to me about a month after we were married. The issue (if I remember correctly) was a matter of sleeping together. He wasn't used to sleeping with someone and wanted to sleep in separate rooms or at least seperate beds (he's over that now and is sort of a big teddy bear in bed now). And he recommended we get couples counseling. I pointed out that if we needed couples counseling for a matter like that, we would almost be needing one if we disagreed on dinner. I pointed out to him that we were just adjusting to each other and that some small kinks will work themselves out. I even offered to take the floor (we only have one bed). Eventually he started wanting me in bed with him. But he has off and on always wanted couples counseling. He just wants to figure out SS issues first.

doeydo

Teddy917 said:

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security. In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights. As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

More red flags. Where are you on therapy for yourself? And when are you going to tell him that it's couples therapy or it's your marriage?

ETA: I don't mean to be harsh, but literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you post, I see more red flags. I am concerned for your physical safety, for your mental well-being, and for your emotional health. 

You need to emphasise to him that either he makes couple's counselling a priority or you will walk out of your marriage -- and you need to mean that. 

The "marriage counseling or walk" thing is actually something he said to me about a month after we were married. The issue (if I remember correctly) was a matter of sleeping together. He wasn't used to sleeping with someone and wanted to sleep in separate rooms or at least seperate beds (he's over that now and is sort of a big teddy bear in bed now). And he recommended we get couples counseling. I pointed out that if we needed couples counseling for a matter like that, we would almost be needing one if we disagreed on dinner. I pointed out to him that we were just adjusting to each other and that some small kinks will work themselves out. I even offered to take the floor (we only have one bed). Eventually he started wanting me in bed with him. But he has off and on always wanted couples counseling. He just wants to figure out SS issues first.

Something tells me he is going to keep making up excuses and putting it off.  Seriously, you two need to go to couples counselling.  Make it a priority, like now. 

HisGirlFriday13

Again...MORE RED FLAGS.

You got married, but you don't have sex, and he wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms, or at least separate beds. 

You offered to take the floor?!? Eventually he started wanting you in bed with him?? 

I just can't even...

You are worth so much more than what you're getting. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved and honoured and cherished and put above all other things. You deserve a man who treats you like an equal, who is your true partner. You deserve all of that. ALL OF THAT. 

Nothing that you have said, in any of your posts ever, have made me think you are in a healthy marriage. You tell us crap that he does, you make excuses for him and cover for him, you pretend things are his idea when it seems like they aren't.

I don't get why you're in this marriage, or what you're hoping to get out of it, but I cannot stress strongly enough: GET YOURSELF TO THERAPY. 

In fact, at this point, I think you should go to counselling on your own, without him, so you can work on YOUR issues.

pumpkinsandturkeys

doeydo said:

Teddy917 said:

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security. In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights. As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

More red flags. Where are you on therapy for yourself? And when are you going to tell him that it's couples therapy or it's your marriage?

ETA: I don't mean to be harsh, but literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you post, I see more red flags. I am concerned for your physical safety, for your mental well-being, and for your emotional health. 

You need to emphasise to him that either he makes couple's counselling a priority or you will walk out of your marriage -- and you need to mean that. 

The "marriage counseling or walk" thing is actually something he said to me about a month after we were married. The issue (if I remember correctly) was a matter of sleeping together. He wasn't used to sleeping with someone and wanted to sleep in separate rooms or at least seperate beds (he's over that now and is sort of a big teddy bear in bed now). And he recommended we get couples counseling. I pointed out that if we needed couples counseling for a matter like that, we would almost be needing one if we disagreed on dinner. I pointed out to him that we were just adjusting to each other and that some small kinks will work themselves out. I even offered to take the floor (we only have one bed). Eventually he started wanting me in bed with him. But he has off and on always wanted couples counseling. He just wants to figure out SS issues first.

Something tells me he is going to keep making up excuses and putting it off.  Seriously, you two need to go to couples counselling.  Make it a priority, like now. 

I agree with @doeydo. I feel as though once SS is sorted out, there will be another excuse.

He didn't even want to sleep in the same room as his own wife? This is raising BIG red flags for me. I don't think he comprehends what it means to be married -- I really don't. You're not in a marriage, sweetie... You're roommates. If he wanted to go to counselling so that he wouldn't have to share his room or his bed with you, there are bigger issues at play here. And when you offered to take the floor just to be close to him (which is remarkably deferent, and not in a good way), he should have said, "It doesn't matter how small the bed is -- I'll make it work because you're my wife and I love you and want to be with you and don't want you to be uncomfortable."

I think that there is a LOT going unaddressed here, and the longer it stays that way, the worse off you'll be.

pumpkinsandturkeys

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Again...MORE RED FLAGS.

You got married, but you don't have sex, and he wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms, or at least separate beds. 

You offered to take the floor?!? Eventually he started wanting you in bed with him?? 

I just can't even...

You are worth so much more than what you're getting. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved and honoured and cherished and put above all other things. You deserve a man who treats you like an equal, who is your true partner. You deserve all of that. ALL OF THAT. 

Nothing that you have said, in any of your posts ever, have made me think you are in a healthy marriage. You tell us crap that he does, you make excuses for him and cover for him, you pretend things are his idea when it seems like they aren't.

I don't get why you're in this marriage, or what you're hoping to get out of it, but I cannot stress strongly enough: GET YOURSELF TO THERAPY. 

In fact, at this point, I think you should go to counselling on your own, without him, so you can work on YOUR issues.

This. This this this this THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES, THIS.

pinkshorts27

Just so you have another voice telling you, go get help. This isn't healthy. I couldn't even imagine. Go now, asap. Go to therapy.

jdluvr06

I agree with what the PPs have said. You need to get help soon. I get more and more concerned for you each time you post.

FiancB

Sort of off topic, but I'm not too upset over the sleep thing. FI has this friend that does bizarre shit in his sleep. He talks, he walks, he yells, FI has seen it himself. The first time he stayed the night with his now wife, he grabbed her and yelled "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU". I would've fucking jumped out the window, but she stuck around til morning for some reason and told him about it and he had no idea. They just had their second kid- great guy, just not when he's asleep I guess! He's done that since he was a kid, no PTSD or anything like that.

FI has hit me in his sleep. I don't know if it was really a punch though- more like a flail where my face was in the way. I've punched my sister in the gut as a kid. My ex bit me- I woke up to him latched onto my arm. It left a huge bruise. Maybe I just know a lot of violent sleepers, myself included!

But everything else I am super worried about. You are trying really hard, and he isn't at all. I think people get caught up in thinking they need to make it work because the person that they're with isn't a bad person. I'm sure he isn't, but this all sounds irreparably incompatible as hell. Could you maybe stay with some family for a bit? It sounds like a little time away from each other might give you some clarity. 

firebabe6519

Ginormous red flags everywhere! @Teddy917 You are not in a marriage. You are nothing more than an indentured servant who happens to have the added bonus of providing blow jobs whenever your husbands wants it. A marriage is about open communication... Its about love and trust and being equal partners.

Sleeping on the floor like a dog is not in any way healthy or equal.

I get that you like to be independent and not bound to your community's view of a woman's place. But honey this is not healthy. A huge aspect of any relationship is the emotional, physical, and spiritual support you build / receive. If your husband can't even tell you what little thing it is you do that bugs him, how are you to ever discuss anything of grave import? With a lack of open communication, all that necessary support just flies out the window.

Sure you are young and strong now. You can barrel through. Venting to strangers and bottling up and pushing down burdens that should be shared with your spouse will only work for so long. Eventually you will snap. There is only so much a person can take before their spirit is broken.

Counseling is a huge must! Individual and couples counseling both!

jenniferurs

Teddy917 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security.

In Utah, you have to have so much peripheral vision in each eye to drive. My left eye hasn't been perfect prior to this but it had enough. The person helping me when I got my learner's permit said that it barely passed. Now it's got worse and with the light sensitivity thing is also an issue with car lights.

As far as what he's fighting in his sleep, he has schizoeffective. Sees and hears things that aren't there, for those who may not know. So I think it's one of those "goblins" (that's what he described to me once, so that's what I call them).

More red flags. Where are you on therapy for yourself? And when are you going to tell him that it's couples therapy or it's your marriage?

ETA: I don't mean to be harsh, but literally EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you post, I see more red flags. I am concerned for your physical safety, for your mental well-being, and for your emotional health. 

You need to emphasise to him that either he makes couple's counselling a priority or you will walk out of your marriage -- and you need to mean that. 

The "marriage counseling or walk" thing is actually something he said to me about a month after we were married. The issue (if I remember correctly) was a matter of sleeping together. He wasn't used to sleeping with someone and wanted to sleep in separate rooms or at least seperate beds (he's over that now and is sort of a big teddy bear in bed now). And he recommended we get couples counseling. I pointed out that if we needed couples counseling for a matter like that, we would almost be needing one if we disagreed on dinner. I pointed out to him that we were just adjusting to each other and that some small kinks will work themselves out. I even offered to take the floor (we only have one bed). Eventually he started wanting me in bed with him. But he has off and on always wanted couples counseling. He just wants to figure out SS issues first.

Wait wait wait. PLEASE tell me that you weren't sleeping on the floor.

Sugargirl1019

This all makes me so so sad to read.

May I suggest reading "Codependent No More"? It is about finding self-help in a difficult and unhealthy relationship.

I'm so worried! This is not healthy for any part of you.

Jells2dot0

Sugargirl1019 said:

This all makes me so so sad to read. May I suggest reading "Codependent No More"? It is about finding self-help in a difficult and unhealthy relationship. I'm so worried! This is not healthy for any part of you.

THIS! I have read several books on codependency. While it took some time for me to sort out my own issues, I can honestly say I'm in a good place now and I think you will be too once you seek out assistance.

FWIW- I told my ex-H that it was therapy or nothing. I gave him a few days to think it over and when he said no, the papers were filed. Yes, it was scary as shit to go through that, but I came out a much better, stronger person on the other end of it.

kmmssg

Jells2dot0 said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

This all makes me so so sad to read. May I suggest reading "Codependent No More"? It is about finding self-help in a difficult and unhealthy relationship. I'm so worried! This is not healthy for any part of you.

THIS! I have read several books on codependency. While it took some time for me to sort out my own issues, I can honestly say I'm in a good place now and I think you will be too once you seek out assistance.

FWIW- I told my ex-H that it was therapy or nothing. I gave him a few days to think it over and when he said no, the papers were filed. Yes, it was scary as shit to go through that, but I came out a much better, stronger person on the other end of it.

PLEASE - read this book.  You need the information that is in there and you need it now.  Screw the couples counseling, YOU NEED counseling now.  I implore you, I beg you, please - go get counseling for yourself right now.  And - get that book!

jenniferurs

If you really were sleeping on the floor and are still content to be with someone who would allow you to sleep on the floor, RUN, don't walk, to therapy.

And I don't mean to say that in a hurtful way; it's coming from a place of love. But Jesus. That was HIS hangup and if anyone were to sleep on the floor, it should have been him (though the concept of why anyone should have to still escapes me).

This is not love. This is not a husband/wife dynamic. This is abusive - mental illness or not. And the fact that you can't see that is extremely troubling to me.

climbingsingle

This makes me so sad for you. You deserve someone that loves and respects you. I agree with all of the PPs - please go to therapy for yourself. 

sarahufl

OP- I have read through your various posts and nothing about this situation seems remotely normal.

It is obvious that you are a caring person and you want a good relationship. But this isnt good or normal. You both need some counseling.

MyNameIsNot

Forget couples counselling, you need to be in individual therapy stat. The more I read, the more I learn that the problem isn't him. It's you. You are in an abusive relationship with yourself. He is just the passenger. Get some help.

MobKaz

@Teddy917 said.........."He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security."

I'm sorry, but I have to ask.  Other than his word, do you know for certain that he actually does go to therapy?

OnionBreath

Do you want to be in this situation? Do you want to be married to him?

Are there any positives about this?

vt&dt

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice and I don't have a lot to add, but wanted to echo a few things.

1 - There are lots of problems with the way that you feel and are treated (according to what I've read, at least).  This is NOT normal, and is NOT ok.

2 - If he is not responding to your request to go to therapy together like it is a priority, he is not giving you priority over something else.  In matters as serious as this, that is UNACCEPTABLE.  I'm not a fan of mind games or manipulation - you need to firmly stand up for yourself and make it clear what you need (and expect!)

3 - I'd suggest getting out of the house for a few days.  Stay with a friend, relatives, something.  Talk to someone that knows both of you that you trust about what's been going on.  If they say the same kinds of things that we've said after only hearing one side of the story, that's a gigantic red flag.

4 - Therapy. Now.  This week.  Period.  For yourself.  If he comes, great.  If he doesn't, spend some time talking with your therapist about what/why/how ending the marriage (or doing a trial separation, something like that) would work.  

It's very honorable and noble what you've done for your H and how understanding you are of his challenges due to disability.  His disability and issues, however, do NOT allow him to treat you like you are secondary or unimportant.  Your needs should not be pushed aside because of these things.

pumpkinsandturkeys

@Teddy917 -- I'm also concerned that we haven't heard from you in a while. I know that this is a difficult position to be in, but you can't just ignore the problems. This IS an abusive relationship, based off of everything you've told us in all of your previous posts. This is NOT a good marriage.

Run to therapy. Go now. Please.

phira

Oh geez.

You are 21 years old and you're married to someone who can barely communicate you and isn't even sure he loves you.

Get counseling for yourself immediately. We'll try to help you get around any roadblocks you encounter, but we're going to call you out when you make excuses.

To be totally honest, I do not think that you are going to ever be happy while you're married to this person. He doesn't sound like a bad person, but he doesn't sound like the right person for you. I can't even tell you how excited I am every time to get to see my partner when I get home from work; I can't even tell you how happy and safe I feel in his arms; I can't even tell you how comfortable I am talking with him about my feelings and fears. And it breaks my heart that you're 21 and married and you don't have these things.

Please get help and let us support you.

Teddy917

mobkaz said:

@Teddy917 said.........."He does go to therapy on his own. His concern with doing couples right now is he might have to switch to a new mental health center because of an issue with Social Security."

I'm sorry, but I have to ask.  Other than his word, do you know for certain that he actually does go to therapy?

Sorry I haven't posted on this in a while. It hasn't been telling me that there's been new replies nor has it been near the top to indicate it's been posted on recently.

To answer your question: I know because I've gone with him a couple of times at his request. And because he doesn't drive, he gets a ride.

Teddy917

I can't find the post that mentioned talking to someone who knows both of us. I read it but can't find it now that I want to quote it.

Anyway to whomever brought that up: We've both talked to someone that knows both of us and the situation better than I can describe on here. She is concerned but not overly concerned. Like she is worried about us but not... I don't know how to explain it.

Teddy917

MyNameIsNot said:

Forget couples counselling, you need to be in individual therapy stat.

The more I read, the more I learn that the problem isn't him. It's you. You are in an abusive relationship with yourself. He is just the passenger. Get some help.

How do you figure that?

pumpkinsandturkeys

Teddy917 said:

Forget couples counselling, you need to be in individual therapy stat. The more I read, the more I learn that the problem isn't him. It's you. You are in an abusive relationship with yourself. He is just the passenger. Get some help.

How do you figure that?

I'll answer on behalf of @MyNameIsNot -- because you keep subjecting yourself to the same, awful things over and over again. Because you're settling for a less-than-mediocre marriage. Hell, a BAD marriage. Because you don't seem to want more for yourself, or think that you deserve better. Because you say you would leave but I get the feeling that you never will. Because you think that you loving someone is enough, even if they don't love you back. Because you're still SO young (sorry that we keep harping on that, but you are) and you're already experiencing complacency, abuse, manipulation, and other serious issues in a new marriage. Because you don't seem to want to force a change in order to ensure that your needs are met and that you can be happy.

There are a lot of issues that he has, but it is falling on you to be the one to speak out. Your actions are contributing to the destructive nature of this relationship, and while you're not to blame for any of this, you are responsible for your own happiness. You need to be the one to decide to take action.