Update

shaylagirl

Teddy917 said:

I can't find the post that mentioned talking to someone who knows both of us. I read it but can't find it now that I want to quote it. Anyway to whomever brought that up: We've both talked to someone that knows both of us and the situation better than I can describe on here. She is concerned but not overly concerned. Like she is worried about us but not... I don't know how to explain it.

She's not a licensed professional.  How can she know, REALLY know, if you two need help?  She's not qualified to gauge that.  Let me also add that as she's someone who knows you both, she's already blind to the problems.  That's just how it is when you have a "friend" (even if that friend IS a licensed therapist) who is 'helping'.  They've already got blinders on.

I'm with EVERYONE else here.

You're making excuses.  Yes, it's hard to go out and seek help.  It can be an entire gamut of emotions when you go out and seek professional help.  But you NEED this help.  You're LONG past the point of needing it, truthfully. 

But for goodness sake, please go do SOMETHING to help yourself.  You're only 21 and struck in a caregiver role, in a sexless, potentially loveless, marriage, and you GENUINELY think that will fulfill you for the rest of your life? 

I was with a man for 12 years.  12 years.  And it wasn't an entirely sexless, nor a loveless relationship, but we were BOTH trying (BOTH of us), trying to make it work.  And realizing that, while we could love one another, and love one another deeply, we were NOT suited to one another.  We both finally agreed to part ways.  And, do you know what?  We're BOTH happy now! 

Because we realized we were hurting ourselves, despite our love for one another.

Love is NOT enough.  That's a fallacy and a bullshit lie we tell ourselves.  Hard work, dedication to BOTH partners making a relationship work, and the COMMITMENT to trying to lift up your partner is what leads to successful and HAPPY relationships.

You deserve happiness. 

JCbride2015

Let me just echo this from PPs:  Teddy, you DESERVE to be loved.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve a husband who is turned on by you, who wants to please you sexually, who wants to know what turns you on and explore together.  You deserve a husband who is willing to work on your relationship.  You deserve a husband who takes your concerns seriously instead of making excuses about going to therapy.  You deserve to feel safe and cared for in your marriage.

You deserve so much better than you are getting in this marriage.  And it is breaking all of our hearts that you just don't see that.

PrettyGirlLost

I have been lurking, following these threads and I just need to throw something out there:

Many of you guys are suggesting that Teddy's husband go to therapy and that his unwillingness to go to therapy is a red flag.  However, this is not a typical situation we see on the boards where her husband is just some stubborn ass that is refusing to go to therapy.

He has a physical brain injury, as well as schizoaffective disorder, and with the brain injury alone, marriage counseling may not be effective.  The brain injury itself may likely be the root cause of many of his emotional and communication issues that you are suggesting he go to therapy to work on, and thus he may not be able to improve in those areas as a result of the injury.

I agree with everyone that individual therapy for Teddy herself would likely be beneficial and healthy.

Good luck to you, Teddy.  Please listen the the advice you are being given here and go to a counselor on your own for a while, and see how things go.

vt&dt

I'm going to suggest something that may sound harsh - try a week (or two, or three) living apart with minimal (or no) communication with your H.  Stay with a friend or family member, and try to avoid talking about it - just live your life on your own for a while.

That may allow you some time to really examine both the positives and negatives of the relationship and help you decide what you need in order to move forward - and maybe see that your life is not only easier, but more fulfilled, without his needs being put above yours 100% of the time.

It also may help him see what he's been doing that's wrong.  If after this time, he's willing to re-examine how things are, go to therapy, make some changes - that's great and I think worth a shot.  If not, you will know that you will be OK if you walk away permanently.

PolarBearFitz

PrettyGirlLost said:

I have been lurking, following these threads and I just need to throw something out there:

Many of you guys are suggesting that Teddy's husband go to therapy and that his unwillingness to go to therapy is a red flag.  However, this is not a typical situation we see on the boards where her husband is just some stubborn ass that is refusing to go to therapy.

He has a physical brain injury, as well as schizoaffective disorder, and with the brain injury alone, marriage counseling may not be effective.  The brain injury itself may likely be the root cause of many of his emotional and communication issues that you are suggesting he go to therapy to work on, and thus he may not be able to improve in those areas as a result of the injury.

I agree with everyone that individual therapy for Teddy herself would likely be beneficial and healthy.

Good luck to you, Teddy.  Please listen the the advice you are being given here and go to a counselor on your own for a while, and see how things go.

This. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope everything works out for the better.

firebabe6519

I wish you the best of luck as you work through all this! Lots of T&PS!

MyNameIsNot

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

Teddy917 said:

Forget couples counselling, you need to be in individual therapy stat. The more I read, the more I learn that the problem isn't him. It's you. You are in an abusive relationship with yourself. He is just the passenger. Get some help.

How do you figure that?

I'll answer on behalf of @MyNameIsNot -- because you keep subjecting yourself to the same, awful things over and over again. Because you're settling for a less-than-mediocre marriage. Hell, a BAD marriage. Because you don't seem to want more for yourself, or think that you deserve better. Because you say you would leave but I get the feeling that you never will. Because you think that you loving someone is enough, even if they don't love you back. Because you're still SO young (sorry that we keep harping on that, but you are) and you're already experiencing complacency, abuse, manipulation, and other serious issues in a new marriage. Because you don't seem to want to force a change in order to ensure that your needs are met and that you can be happy.

There are a lot of issues that he has, but it is falling on you to be the one to speak out. Your actions are contributing to the destructive nature of this relationship, and while you're not to blame for any of this, you are responsible for your own happiness. You need to be the one to decide to take action.

Thank you!  I'm not able to come here during the work day right now.

OP, I think you are putting yourself in this position, either to subconsciously punish yourself for something or because your self confidence is out of whack.  A real therapist could explore this with you.  

The big red flag to me is that you say you don't care if he never falls in love with you.  Some people end up in non-romantic or sexless marriages, but no healthy 21 year old wants that for herself.  The more you say, the more it sounds like you think this is all you deserve.  The fact that you have a history of dating guys that could never be equal partners really reinforces this for me.  

Why do you think you don't deserve a guy who can be your true partner?