I have no idea how to approach this.......

CC0805

Not going to try to quote... I don't understand how a DW is a pretend wedding and why she should have to cancel? Did I miss something? Anyway, I honestly don't see how her FI's having a private conversation with his mother about her husbands behavior would be in poor taste. Unfortunately adults don't always know how to act appropriately and need gentle reminders. It's very possible (although unlikely) this man doesn't realize how much animosity he is creating. It's not about trying to control the behavior, it's about being honest with them about how the behavior affects the people around him. Case in point, my FI's god father has been known to ogle and make inappropriate comments/gestures directed at myself and his DIL. It has frequently become an issue in his family. However, when his son (or his GF) finally started being honest with him he dialed it down considerably. Yes, with a few drinks he can forget himself and become a bit of a monster, but for the most part he seems to try (even though I still don't feel comfortable around him).

MobKaz

coralove1 said:

Not going to try to quote... I don't understand how a DW is a pretend wedding and why she should have to cancel? Did I miss something? Anyway, I honestly don't see how her FI's having a private conversation with his mother about her husbands behavior would be in poor taste. Unfortunately adults don't always know how to act appropriately and need gentle reminders. It's very possible (although unlikely) this man doesn't realize how much animosity he is creating. It's not about trying to control the behavior, it's about being honest with them about how the behavior affects the people around him. Case in point, my FI's god father has been known to ogle and make inappropriate comments/gestures directed at myself and his DIL. It has frequently become an issue in his family. However, when his son (or his GF) finally started being honest with him he dialed it down considerably. Yes, with a few drinks he can forget himself and become a bit of a monster, but for the most part he seems to try (even though I still don't feel comfortable around him).

A destination wedding in and of itself is not a pretend wedding.  However, the OP is married and has been for several months.  She married to obtain government benefits only afforded to married people.  She pretends to still be engaged.  She is deliberately withholding her marital status from her nearest and dearest friends and family and has made no apologies for it.  

A destination wedding is NOT a wedding when it is a sham and theatrical event.  

lc07

OP, also make it very clear to your DJ or MC that FSFIL is to by no means EVER. EVER! Get the microphone.

mrs4everhart

@coralove1 and @Ic07, so much has gone on since I created this post that truly, my FSFIL is the least of our worries. The guy won't be getting anywhere near a mic or a toast or any of the above, that's for sure. If he wants to make a fool of himself that's on him, but it will happen once and once only.  It's been a while since FI has heard from his Mom, so I don't know if they've even made travel arrangements yet. Guess we'll find out but I'm positive the tolerance level for any of his antics will be much, much lower these days. He can make his choice wisely if he cares whether or not he and his wife have a relationship with FI going forward. 

PrettyGirlLost

STBMrsEverhart said:

@coralove1 and @Ic07, so much has gone on since I created this post that truly, my FSFIL is the least of our worries. The guy won't be getting anywhere near a mic or a toast or any of the above, that's for sure. If he wants to make a fool of himself that's on him, but it will happen once and once only.  It's been a while since FI has heard from his Mom, so I don't know if they've even made travel arrangements yet. Guess we'll find out but I'm positive the tolerance level for any of his antics will be much, much lower these days. He can make his choice wisely if he cares whether or not he and his wife have a relationship with FI going forward. 

Oh man, sounds like some serious shit has gone down between your FI and his SF?

mrs4everhart

PrettyGirlLost said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

@coralove1 and @Ic07, so much has gone on since I created this post that truly, my FSFIL is the least of our worries. The guy won't be getting anywhere near a mic or a toast or any of the above, that's for sure. If he wants to make a fool of himself that's on him, but it will happen once and once only.  It's been a while since FI has heard from his Mom, so I don't know if they've even made travel arrangements yet. Guess we'll find out but I'm positive the tolerance level for any of his antics will be much, much lower these days. He can make his choice wisely if he cares whether or not he and his wife have a relationship with FI going forward. 

Oh man, sounds like some serious shit has gone down between your FI and his SF?

Not at all. They haven't seen each other in years, and only speak if the stepdad answers the phone when he calls to talk to his Mom. 

There's a health crisis in my family (who we are both super close to) and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my FI will not allow his SF to interfere or cause unneeded drama on a vacation that is now tasked with being quality extended family time (more so than it already was, just now with the added bonus of cancer!!!!!) in addition to a DW. While the prognosis is good (but guarded) things won't be easy and no one will have the patience for a man-child acting like a brat or belittling FI. His behavior could really be a deal breaker at this point. We're still hoping he has a moment of clarity before boarding the plane and realizes causing strife on his own vacation is a waste of his own time and money and is quite counterintuitive. 

lc07

I just now realized your thread had gone kinda zombie-ish. Sorry about that! I'm also really sorry to hear about your loved ones illness. I am sending you LOTS of good vibes right now. And to you and your FIs families too. 

I'm glad you are feeling like you guys can be a strong, united front against the craziness. 

PrettyGirlLost

STBMrsEverhart said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

@coralove1 and @Ic07, so much has gone on since I created this post that truly, my FSFIL is the least of our worries. The guy won't be getting anywhere near a mic or a toast or any of the above, that's for sure. If he wants to make a fool of himself that's on him, but it will happen once and once only.  It's been a while since FI has heard from his Mom, so I don't know if they've even made travel arrangements yet. Guess we'll find out but I'm positive the tolerance level for any of his antics will be much, much lower these days. He can make his choice wisely if he cares whether or not he and his wife have a relationship with FI going forward. 

Oh man, sounds like some serious shit has gone down between your FI and his SF?

Not at all. They haven't seen each other in years, and only speak if the stepdad answers the phone when he calls to talk to his Mom. 

There's a health crisis in my family (who we are both super close to) and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my FI will not allow his SF to interfere or cause unneeded drama on a vacation that is now tasked with being quality extended family time (more so than it already was, just now with the added bonus of cancer!!!!!) in addition to a DW. While the prognosis is good (but guarded) things won't be easy and no one will have the patience for a man-child acting like a brat or belittling FI. His behavior could really be a deal breaker at this point. We're still hoping he has a moment of clarity before boarding the plane and realizes causing strife on his own vacation is a waste of his own time and money and is quite counterintuitive. 

Aw I'm sorry to hear about the health diagnosis- I wish your family member the best!

Worst comes to worst, drown FSFIL in the pool ;-)

mrs4everhart

Thank you both @PrettyGirlLost and @Ic07 :-)

The thought of my Mom having to fight the same cancer that took her mother 20 years ago this year breaks my heart. The idea she may not be able to be there because of travel restrictions if they need to do her stem-cell transplant sooner absolutely wrecks me, even if we are staying as positive as humanly possible. It's amazing what shit this serious will do for perspective. FI's stepdad is a buffoon, but even his antics seem so minor now. If he acts up, we'll treat him like the annoying mosquito he is. Then dunk him in the pool if necessary ;-)