Vent! MOG & MOB (who are best friends) are in turmoil!

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

Wow. I got nothing more.

HisGirlFriday13

marilynvalencia said:

phira said:

My comments have mostly been short and vague because I'm trying to point out that the bride and groom need to be making this call.

Contribute as much as you were going to contribute, say to your son and future daughter-in-law, "Use it however you want, sorry you're dealing with this stress," and back off. If it's their wedding, then they get to decide what the invitations say; if they're pressured by the bride's mother into excluding your name from the invitation, then ... so what?

Look, regardless of whether or not the mother of the bride is being unreasonable and unreliable, your son and future daughter-in-law have to make their own decisions. What's making it harder is having a mother of the groom who is adding to the drama because she's angry with her friend.

You can't control your friend's behavior. Just like weddings can make some of the most level-headed women into bridezillas, they can make the most level-headed women into momzillas. Whether or not all of us here agree with you about your friend's behavior being wrong or unhelpful or inappropriate or unreliable, it really just sounds like for the sake of your son and future daughter-in-law's sanity, you need to back away from the situation.

Thanks, you can rest assured, the kids are handling it on their own. But I thought I pretty much explained that I was only coming HERE to vent, so I wouldn't add stress to the kids. It's really not nice to accuse me of "adding to the drama" and "making it harder", when I am not! Hurtful words considering all I have gone through. 

And then we go back to the "so what?" about the invitation. Again, more of the conflicting information. It's "their wedding", "he who pays has a say". Pshh. smh

You know, from the way you sound, you don't think mothers should be on this site at all...

Bullshit. @kmmssg and @mobkaz both are MOBs (admittely, they're sane and not vindictive crazypants), and we LOVE having them here.

The crazy people -- brides, mothers, whomever -- we can do without, thanks.

kmmssg

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

bethsmiles

I don't want to speak for @Phira - but I think the point she was trying to make is that by e-mailing your friend you just caused drama. The wording for the invitation is an issue your son and his FI needed to figure out. I'm sure they heard your side and her side - from there nothing else needed to be said but now there is too much conversation happening about this issue. You went over their heads and didn't let them handle it, even if that's not what you were trying to do. Now there is just more drama because their parents are fighting with each other.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

HisGirlFriday13 said:

marilynvalencia said:

phira said:

My comments have mostly been short and vague because I'm trying to point out that the bride and groom need to be making this call.

Contribute as much as you were going to contribute, say to your son and future daughter-in-law, "Use it however you want, sorry you're dealing with this stress," and back off. If it's their wedding, then they get to decide what the invitations say; if they're pressured by the bride's mother into excluding your name from the invitation, then ... so what?

Look, regardless of whether or not the mother of the bride is being unreasonable and unreliable, your son and future daughter-in-law have to make their own decisions. What's making it harder is having a mother of the groom who is adding to the drama because she's angry with her friend.

You can't control your friend's behavior. Just like weddings can make some of the most level-headed women into bridezillas, they can make the most level-headed women into momzillas. Whether or not all of us here agree with you about your friend's behavior being wrong or unhelpful or inappropriate or unreliable, it really just sounds like for the sake of your son and future daughter-in-law's sanity, you need to back away from the situation.

Thanks, you can rest assured, the kids are handling it on their own. But I thought I pretty much explained that I was only coming HERE to vent, so I wouldn't add stress to the kids. It's really not nice to accuse me of "adding to the drama" and "making it harder", when I am not! Hurtful words considering all I have gone through. 

And then we go back to the "so what?" about the invitation. Again, more of the conflicting information. It's "their wedding", "he who pays has a say". Pshh. smh

You know, from the way you sound, you don't think mothers should be on this site at all...

Bullshit. @kmmssg and @mobkaz both are MOBs (admittely, they're sane and not vindictive crazypants), and we LOVE having them here.

The crazy people -- brides, mothers, whomever -- we can do without, thanks.

The REASON I said that is because that was the third post where she was only concerned about the bride and groom and it was I, the MOG, who came here to vent. So BULLSHIT back at ya HGF13! Luckily its a public forum and you can't say who gets to be here. But I guess you can hide behind your computer and bully them with your rude and flippant remarks.

bethsmiles

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

But the wedding is about the bride and groom. It isn't about you, your friend, or the issues you two have. It's about your son and FDIL. It's great that you want to help out and I'm sure it's really appreciated but I think you need to step completely out of things when it comes to how your FDIL and son deal with her mother.

kmmssg

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

I think you really are trying but let me share this with you:  I have learned a TON on here by quietly listening to these younger ladies.  I have learned about boundaries I would have never thought of and it is an invaluable lesson to see life through their eyes when you find yourself with adult children like you and I do.  Maybe every once in a blue moon I can share something helpful for them too.

There are some awesome ladies on this board and I have made friends here (I have been here for 9 1/2 years!  Started when my first DD got engaged).  There has been a time or two when I have thought that there might be some different opinions from some when they are 25 years farther down the road and have adult kids too.  I certainly know that has been the case for ME!!

Weddings are a family thing for us too, but it is not that way for a great number of these ladies here.  You post what you know, how your family does things, etc.  I don't think you are being a helicopter mom but I do think you are the one in the shoes to bring this all to an end for the kids.  Like I said before - sit down and ask them what you can do for them to make everything the best it can be.  As long as it isn't illegal, do it.  You will have such joy at the end of the evening on their wedding day when you see that everything went according to their vision.  One of the best moments of my life was when my stepdd came to me at the end of her wedding, looked me in the eye, and said, "Thank you K.  It is exactly what we envisioned and everything we could have hoped for.  I love you."  Best thing ever!  They lived in UT and got married back here in MI.  She left everything in my hands and I made sure to follow their vision and direction all the way.  It was a phenomenal feeling.

Go ask the kids how to fix this and make the last 3 months awesome!  I really do believe you have great intentions - good luck!!

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

bethsmiles said:

I don't want to speak for @Phira - but I think the point she was trying to make is that by e-mailing your friend you just caused drama. The wording for the invitation is an issue your son and his FI needed to figure out. I'm sure they heard your side and her side - from there nothing else needed to be said but now there is too much conversation happening about this issue. You went over their heads and didn't let them handle it, even if that's not what you were trying to do. Now there is just more drama because their parents are fighting with each other.

Okay, I see what you are trying to say, but FDIL had just asked me to help take over some of the small duties because she's overwhelmed in making decisions and she is working a lot. Remember, she lives in my house, I see her everyday, she's always talking about the wedding with me...because her mom's not interested! She asked me to email it to her mother since I was working on the invitations. She could certainly make that decision alone, but she was trying to be considerate of her mother and thought she'd love it! So no, I didn't go over her head, I don't know why anyone would assume that, just because the play by play wasn't previously laid out but oh well.

bethsmiles

marilynvalencia said:

bethsmiles said:

I don't want to speak for @Phira - but I think the point she was trying to make is that by e-mailing your friend you just caused drama. The wording for the invitation is an issue your son and his FI needed to figure out. I'm sure they heard your side and her side - from there nothing else needed to be said but now there is too much conversation happening about this issue. You went over their heads and didn't let them handle it, even if that's not what you were trying to do. Now there is just more drama because their parents are fighting with each other.

Okay, I see what you are trying to say, but FDIL had just asked me to help take over some of the small duties because she's overwhelmed in making decisions and she is working a lot. Remember, she lives in my house, I see her everyday, she's always talking about the wedding with me...because her mom's not interested! She asked me to email it to her mother since I was working on the invitations. She could certainly make that decision alone, but she was trying to be considerate of her mother and thought she'd love it! So no, I didn't go over her head, I don't know why anyone would assume that, just because the play by play wasn't previously laid out but oh well.

Because I would NEVER ask my SO's mom to run interference between my mother and I (it sounds like my mom and your FDIL's mom are a lot a like so definitely related to how frustrating/draining it can be to deal with that).

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

bethsmiles said:

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

But the wedding is about the bride and groom. It isn't about you, your friend, or the issues you two have. It's about your son and FDIL. It's great that you want to help out and I'm sure it's really appreciated but I think you need to step completely out of things when it comes to how your FDIL and son deal with her mother.

Well course I know it's not about me. But just because the wedding is ABOUT the bride and groom, it doesn't take away from the fact that quite often, parents are gifting them a wedding and also participating in the planning of it. It's happening all over the world.  Many brides and grooms want their families involvement. Everyone likes to imply that its all up to the bride and groom to do every little thing for the wedding themselves, to prove they're adult enough to get married. But not every bride wants to plan every little detail all by herself just because she can wear big girl panties now.

The difference in my situation is that both mom's have been long time friends and I only wanted to express the frustration I was having with her. Now if you want to tell me that I can only come and discuss any frustration I am having with the bride and groom...well that's a different story. And btw, I have NEVER stepped IN to how she deals with her mother. I have however advised my son to always be respectful to her, while always having his girlfriends back.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

bethsmiles said:

marilynvalencia said:

bethsmiles said:

I don't want to speak for @Phira - but I think the point she was trying to make is that by e-mailing your friend you just caused drama. The wording for the invitation is an issue your son and his FI needed to figure out. I'm sure they heard your side and her side - from there nothing else needed to be said but now there is too much conversation happening about this issue. You went over their heads and didn't let them handle it, even if that's not what you were trying to do. Now there is just more drama because their parents are fighting with each other.

Okay, I see what you are trying to say, but FDIL had just asked me to help take over some of the small duties because she's overwhelmed in making decisions and she is working a lot. Remember, she lives in my house, I see her everyday, she's always talking about the wedding with me...because her mom's not interested! She asked me to email it to her mother since I was working on the invitations. She could certainly make that decision alone, but she was trying to be considerate of her mother and thought she'd love it! So no, I didn't go over her head, I don't know why anyone would assume that, just because the play by play wasn't previously laid out but oh well.

Because I would NEVER ask my SO's mom to run interference between my mother and I (it sounds like my mom and your FDIL's mom are a lot a like so definitely related to how frustrating/draining it can be to deal with that).

Are you suggesting that FDIL knew her mom might be upset, and wanted someone else to take the fall?

singinchick13

This has gone waaaaaaaay overeboard. None of us can interpret your FDIL's actions or her mother's, other than stating what we think may be happening based on our own experience. In my experience, my mother is coming nowhere near the planning of my wedding, and the input of my father and FI's mother who are contributing is minimal. Though it is very generous of them to contribute to our day, they understand that we are adults and would like to make the plans we envision for the wedding. There is a huge generation gap and tastes vary greatly. I think this is the view of many brides today, and, though they may have close relationships to their parents, they understand that the styles of someone in their 20's/30's will likely be much different from someone in their 50's/60's. I'm sure there are brides who want the MOB involved every step of the way, and it sounds like FDIL was one of these and was let down. It must be very difficult for her, but unfortunately, you cannot replace the woman who raised her.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

kmmssg said:

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

I think you really are trying but let me share this with you:  I have learned a TON on here by quietly listening to these younger ladies.  I have learned about boundaries I would have never thought of and it is an invaluable lesson to see life through their eyes when you find yourself with adult children like you and I do.  Maybe every once in a blue moon I can share something helpful for them too.

There are some awesome ladies on this board and I have made friends here (I have been here for 9 1/2 years!  Started when my first DD got engaged).  There has been a time or two when I have thought that there might be some different opinions from some when they are 25 years farther down the road and have adult kids too.  I certainly know that has been the case for ME!!

Weddings are a family thing for us too, but it is not that way for a great number of these ladies here.  You post what you know, how your family does things, etc.  I don't think you are being a helicopter mom but I do think you are the one in the shoes to bring this all to an end for the kids.  Like I said before - sit down and ask them what you can do for them to make everything the best it can be.  As long as it isn't illegal, do it.  You will have such joy at the end of the evening on their wedding day when you see that everything went according to their vision.  One of the best moments of my life was when my stepdd came to me at the end of her wedding, looked me in the eye, and said, "Thank you K.  It is exactly what we envisioned and everything we could have hoped for.  I love you."  Best thing ever!  They lived in UT and got married back here in MI.  She left everything in my hands and I made sure to follow their vision and direction all the way.  It was a phenomenal feeling.

Go ask the kids how to fix this and make the last 3 months awesome!  I really do believe you have great intentions - good luck!!

It's funny, usually I'm the one all the young girls love, because I just let them be and I encourage their independence. My own daughter, she's a 23 year old chef, living in LA, working for Wolf Gang Puck catering of all places. She's worked at some great restaurants. She's not impressed, but I am, because I am so proud of her and all that she's accomplished. Can't get any discounts though! LOL  We also have my little guy who's only 19 and a Marine stationed in Hawaii. We adopted him when he was a baby and he's been such a joy to us. But my daughter has already asked me to plan her whole wedding for her. She knows she won't have time because she works so much, and it means a lot that she trusts me to do it as she wishes.. and even better, just like you did for your step daughter! This is our first wedding in the family out of all the cousins, out first born who is also so precious to me, and this wedding is important to us. So yeah, its hard hearing callous comments from people who don't know me and want to discount a parents feelings. But I appreciate the kinder ones, even the young girls who remind me of my daughter, knowing she would show them compassion too. But I will do as you suggest, and thank you so much! *tears*

huskypuppy14

HisGirlFriday13 after reading all this I feel the opposite. I think the MOB shouldn't have her name on the invites, because it doesn't sound like she is doing anything in regards to the wedding. It seems that the OP has been way more involved in the wedding planning. You don't automatically get your name on the invites just because you're the Mother of the bride. Of course, looking at the big picture, whose name is on the invites doesn't really matter in the long run.

Now, I think the OP has caused some drama, and agree with everyone else that you need to let your son and FDIL take care of this. Of course support them in any way you feel that you can, but stop trying to contact the MOB. I'm sorry that your long time friend is acting like this, but you can't control how other people act. 

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

laurynm84 said:

HisGirlFriday13 after reading all this I feel the opposite. I think the MOB shouldn't have her name on the invites, because it doesn't sound like she is doing anything in regards to the wedding. It seems that the OP has been way more involved in the wedding planning. You don't automatically get your name on the invites just because you're the Mother of the bride. Of course, looking at the big picture, whose name is on the invites doesn't really matter in the long run.

Now, I think the OP has caused some drama, and agree with everyone else that you need to let your son and FDIL take care of this. Of course support them in any way you feel that you can, but stop trying to contact the MOB. I'm sorry that your long time friend is acting like this, but you can't control how other people act. 

I suppose I did cause some drama unintentionally but don't worry, I have stopped contacting the MOB because I don't want to continue it.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

Musikalbunni said:

I am having a hard time getting past OP title "best friends" and just reading over and over how bad said best friend is. I read it as "look at all the defects my 'best friend' has, and I'm perfect!" I am not concerned with how much involvement each parent is having in such wedding. I'm more concerned with how much the bride and groom are involved all around with their own wedding. FDIL needs to work involvement issues with mom or work through her lack of involvement. But that is entirely her issue, not yours. How old are FDIL and son? I just don't understand why they haven't reach for control of this mess.

Yeah, "best friends" wasn't the best way to title this, considering how I'm feeling. In fact, my feelings change hour to hour so I just sit and pray about it...and check these posts, lol. I'm not trying to come off perfect, and I'm sorry if it sounds that way, but I was seriously let down by my friend just days ago and I suppose I am lashing out by magnifying all her defects, because those defects are coming out in the open now. Normally, I ignore them, and maybe I shouldn't have. I apologize if I sound "ugly" towards my friend but my heart has gone through a lot of pain over this. My son is 27, FDIL is 25, and they are attempting to take control of this mess, even if they have to pay themselves. But, I can't blame her for holding out, hoping her mom will still kick in the money because MOB changes her mind every hour. Even now, MOB is wanting to add names to the guest list...smh. My brain is on overload.

phira

@bethsmiles Yep, nail on the head.

It's not like I'm sitting here thinking, "The OP is clearly exaggerating!" nor am I thinking, "The mother of the bride MUST BE STOPPED!" It's mostly just, "Look, clearly this is a frickin' mess, and regardless of what I, person on the internet, think about the behavior of the mother of the bride, this is how she is behaving. The best way to deal with the situation is to let her be momzilla, and support the bride and groom with whatever they decide."

erinlin25

Jen4948 said:

Maybe your son and FDIL need to just plan for their wedding without any financial contribution from her, so she has to stop trying to use her money to jerk them around.

Yes, I agree, but at this point, they don't have 12-13 grand, so they would have to change their venue, forfeiting their deposit. FDIL is trying to get her mom to at least commit to 11-12k, saying she'll pick up everything else that's left. They really don't want to have to dip into their home savings account, something we all really wanted them to have.

I thought Mom had to agreed to 10k?  Did bride go over budget thinking mom would just foot the bill?  If mom agreed to 10k why now is she being forced to now commit to 11-12k? Does it suck that the budget has changed, absolutely!  But that is why we tell brides all.the.time that they cannot bank on the budget until the money is in their hands.  If they are not personally writing the checks, no contracts any decisions should be made without whoever is writing the check.  9 months ago, maybe 10k was feasible for mom... but a lot can happen in 6 months.  So now maybe mom can only give 7k, and that is still very generous.  So bride and groom need to make some changes, or make up the difference.  If you want to save the day you just might have to, but should not have to change your guest list or automatically be expected to pay more.  Guests should not be cut especially if they have been invited, sent a STD, etc. But maybe you can adjust the flower budget, make some changes for the honeymoon, not use a guitar player, harpist whatever extra's were listed earlier.  Those are "extra" things that maybe the budget just will not allow now.  Those are the things they need to start cutting or start paying for themselves. 

I was fortunate enough that my parents paid for the majority of our wedding. MIL hosted a very nice rehearsal dinner.  We used both my parents and MIL on the invite because to us it was the right thing to do. MIL was not very involved in planning and that was OK.  There were things I "wanted"   but did not get because it was not in the budget.  My H and I paid for many of the extra details that were important to us, but some things just did not happen and that was OK because it was not my money to spend. 

This is bride & grooms ordeal really and I think you need to separate yourself.  Have you thought Bride could be crying to you to get you to just say Oh it is OK I will just pay for it?  You never know; Before anyone passes judgement on mom and why her budget is changing, maybe someone needs to actually reach out and talk to her.  You are her Best Friend?  CALL her, GO to her and discuss what is actually going on.  Emails just stir up more drama since things are taken out of context, and mom probably feels attacked at this point.  and really FDIL may not be giving you the whole story.  She is making mom out to be the bad guy when for all you know she is going over budget and throwing a fit because mom will not pay for it, so is putting you in the middle in hopes that you will pay for it.    It is a two way street, and while I hope FDIL is not stirring the pot, I would just be sure you get the whole story from mom, aka your best friend before putting all the blame.  Sounds to me the "budget" has grown on everyone-- so who is adding these extras?  I agree you should not have to put out more money than you already did if you do not want to, but mom also should not be expected to fork up money she does not have.  Bride/Groom needs to make some changes if budget has changed.  That is what happens when someone else is paying--they ultimately get to have say and have the right to change the budget.

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

erinlin25 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maybe your son and FDIL need to just plan for their wedding without any financial contribution from her, so she has to stop trying to use her money to jerk them around.

Yes, I agree, but at this point, they don't have 12-13 grand, so they would have to change their venue, forfeiting their deposit. FDIL is trying to get her mom to at least commit to 11-12k, saying she'll pick up everything else that's left. They really don't want to have to dip into their home savings account, something we all really wanted them to have.

I thought Mom had to agreed to 10k?  Did bride go over budget thinking mom would just foot the bill?  If mom agreed to 10k why now is she being forced to now commit to 11-12k? Does it suck that the budget has changed, absolutely!  But that is why we tell brides all.the.time that they cannot bank on the budget until the money is in their hands.  If they are not personally writing the checks, no contracts any decisions should be made without whoever is writing the check.  9 months ago, maybe 10k was feasible for mom... but a lot can happen in 6 months.  So now maybe mom can only give 7k, and that is still very generous.  So bride and groom need to make some changes, or make up the difference.  If you want to save the day you just might have to, but should not have to change your guest list or automatically be expected to pay more.  Guests should not be cut especially if they have been invited, sent a STD, etc. But maybe you can adjust the flower budget, make some changes for the honeymoon, not use a guitar player, harpist whatever extra's were listed earlier.  Those are "extra" things that maybe the budget just will not allow now.  Those are the things they need to start cutting or start paying for themselves. 

I was fortunate enough that my parents paid for the majority of our wedding. MIL hosted a very nice rehearsal dinner.  We used both my parents and MIL on the invite because to us it was the right thing to do. MIL was not very involved in planning and that was OK.  There were things I "wanted"   but did not get because it was not in the budget.  My H and I paid for many of the extra details that were important to us, but some things just did not happen and that was OK because it was not my money to spend. 

This is bride & grooms ordeal really and I think you need to separate yourself.  Have you thought Bride could be crying to you to get you to just say Oh it is OK I will just pay for it?  You never know; Before anyone passes judgement on mom and why her budget is changing, maybe someone needs to actually reach out and talk to her.  You are her Best Friend?  CALL her, GO to her and discuss what is actually going on.  Emails just stir up more drama since things are taken out of context, and mom probably feels attacked at this point.  and really FDIL may not be giving you the whole story.  She is making mom out to be the bad guy when for all you know she is going over budget and throwing a fit because mom will not pay for it, so is putting you in the middle in hopes that you will pay for it.    It is a two way street, and while I hope FDIL is not stirring the pot, I would just be sure you get the whole story from mom, aka your best friend before putting all the blame.  Sounds to me the "budget" has grown on everyone-- so who is adding these extras?  I agree you should not have to put out more money than you already did if you do not want to, but mom also should not be expected to fork up money she does not have.  Bride/Groom needs to make some changes if budget has changed.  That is what happens when someone else is paying--they ultimately get to have say and have the right to change the budget.

Sorry, maybe you missed the post, but MOB had agreed to the cost of the venue 9 months ago. But now she is changing her mind and only willing to contribute 10k...leaving them 3K short. Bride did not go over budget. MOB outright told FDIL that she has the money, but she just won't give it to her now. Her reason? "I don't have to!" And yes, I've separated myself as much as I can. They live in my house so I hear things, lol.

abbyj700

marilynvalencia said:

bethsmiles said:

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

But the wedding is about the bride and groom. It isn't about you, your friend, or the issues you two have. It's about your son and FDIL. It's great that you want to help out and I'm sure it's really appreciated but I think you need to step completely out of things when it comes to how your FDIL and son deal with her mother.

Well course I know it's not about me. But just because the wedding is ABOUT the bride and groom, it doesn't take away from the fact that quite often, parents are gifting them a wedding and also participating in the planning of it. It's happening all over the world.  Many brides and grooms want their families involvement. Everyone likes to imply that its all up to the bride and groom to do every little thing for the wedding themselves, to prove they're adult enough to get married. But not every bride wants to plan every little detail all by herself just because she can wear big girl panties now.

The difference in my situation is that both mom's have been long time friends and I only wanted to express the frustration I was having with her. Now if you want to tell me that I can only come and discuss any frustration I am having with the bride and groom...well that's a different story. And btw, I have NEVER stepped IN to how she deals with her mother. I have however advised my son to always be respectful to her, while always having his girlfriends back.

Sorry - I find the above bolded paragraph seriously rude. We are not doing "every little thing for our wedding" but we are the  people responsible for planning this large event to thank those coming to our nuptials. It has nothing to do with proving I'm an adult, or "putting on my big girl panties." Your language here implies that brides and grooms trying to plan and be responsible are somehow trying to prove something. We're not - other than our thanks for those we love being there - not that we are "adult enough." 

knottiec82e43085335f3bb

abbyj700 said:

marilynvalencia said:

bethsmiles said:

marilynvalencia said:

kmmssg said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have read the entirety of this thread, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I feel like you shouldn't have your name on the invites.

I don't have a good reason other than thinking that right now, the MOB wants to piss you off, and I kind of get where she's coming from.

HGF - I don't get where MOB is coming from at all.  Why do you feel that way?

What I get out of this is that MOB has always been somewhat toxic.  I have to tell you that I would swear OP was talking about my one sister - except she doesn't have kids.  Wacko sister is insanely jealous of my life and success and she deeply regrets her life choices.  She would pull crap like this on me in a heartbeat, given the opportunity.  Since the opportunity isn't presenting itself she is drinking herself into an early grave - I don't see her being around 3 years from now.  When I read about this MOB, it just makes me think of Wacko sister (she and BSC Granny would be a great team).

I think OP has gotten past the invitations.  Since I am on my 4th rodeo here, I am just really trying to understand why a name on an invitation would make MOB so BSC.  It is an extreme response for sure.

OP - first I want to share a concern:  WHOSE name is on the venue contract?  If it is MOB's she could cancel it and never tell a soul.  IF the kids signed it, they need to contact the venue manager and tell them that they are to take NO changes from anyone but the bride or groom and they must confirm they are dealing with the bride or groom.  Stranger things have happened on these boards.

Has MOB paid for anything  yet?

I am just going to reiterate what I said before about doing whatever we had to do to keep our daughter happy and to not have her stuck in the middle of us and her biomom.  Sit down and talk to the kids.  Tell them the drama needs to stop and you want to know what you can do for them to make that happen.  Then do it.

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong here but the drama is off the chart.  Be the mom who makes it come to an end.  (Evil me is sitting here thinking how much that will piss off MOB, but that isn't the point)  I really do wish you all the best of luck.

Thank you, I appreciate that. You are spot on in your description of my friend, but she has no sisters. Some people are so hurtful, and I'm already hurting enough that it's hard to take from complete strangers. But of course I remind myself, they're strangers, lol.

FDIL is on the contract, I paid the deposit. Her mom has only paid for a couple small deposits...cake, lighting.

In the beginning I offered to make the invitations myself because she wanted them hand painted. But at this point, I don't even know if I should continue my offer to paint them because everyone says I need to back off, or that I'm a helicopter mom for even wanting to help where I can. Everyone is so bride and groom this, bride and groom that, but in our family weddings are planned together, parents pay for much of it. It's really confusing when you're just trying to be a good mom.

But the wedding is about the bride and groom. It isn't about you, your friend, or the issues you two have. It's about your son and FDIL. It's great that you want to help out and I'm sure it's really appreciated but I think you need to step completely out of things when it comes to how your FDIL and son deal with her mother.

Well course I know it's not about me. But just because the wedding is ABOUT the bride and groom, it doesn't take away from the fact that quite often, parents are gifting them a wedding and also participating in the planning of it. It's happening all over the world.  Many brides and grooms want their families involvement. Everyone likes to imply that its all up to the bride and groom to do every little thing for the wedding themselves, to prove they're adult enough to get married. But not every bride wants to plan every little detail all by herself just because she can wear big girl panties now.

The difference in my situation is that both mom's have been long time friends and I only wanted to express the frustration I was having with her. Now if you want to tell me that I can only come and discuss any frustration I am having with the bride and groom...well that's a different story. And btw, I have NEVER stepped IN to how she deals with her mother. I have however advised my son to always be respectful to her, while always having his girlfriends back.

Sorry - I find the above bolded paragraph seriously rude. We are not doing "every little thing for our wedding" but we are the  people responsible for planning this large event to thank those coming to our nuptials. It has nothing to do with proving I'm an adult, or "putting on my big girl panties." Your language here implies that brides and grooms trying to plan and be responsible are somehow trying to prove something. We're not - other than our thanks for those we love being there - not that we are "adult enough." 

Actually if you had read ALL the posts (which I wouldn't expect you to, this has gone on way too long), but many, many people have stated something along the lines of "if they are adults, they would do this or that...", basically questioning their adulthood and their ability to get married, as if because you might you rely on your mothers for the planning of your wedding, then you're not ready to get married. That's all I was commenting on, explaining that in many cultures, this is very natural. I was defending those brides! I realize many brides are capable of planning their own weddings, I did my own all by myself 25 years ago, and yet my own daughter wants me to plan hers! Go figure!

I don't know why I even came here. I have been on other other forums...fitness, healthy eating, etc. and I've never received this much snarkiness. Sure, I've gotten a few kind and understanding remarks, but most have been completely insensitive and are coming from a completely selfish point of view, reading things with a bitter and jaded filter. It's sad, many of you are so young to view life that way. I found myself justifying my own thoughts and feelings just to explain myself, because people seemed clueless about one might be feeling in a time like this, or how to read with compassion instead of judgement. Worse, they didn't seem to care..."back off"..."get over it"..."not your business". Comments teenagers say. But then last night I realized how foolish I was to come here in the first place. I'm dealing with a lot of 20-30 year olds, many of whom appear to be someone else's snotty little selfish daughter who don't even realize or care that their mothers may have waited for this day just as long as you have...maybe more! Young women who just don't seem to value their mom's the way my daughter does me. I am thankful for my daughter and her kind and generous soul. God gave me a good one.

Now can we please just close this thread, I'm growing tired of all this.

singinchick13

@Abbyj700

I couldn't agree more. I couldn't imagine enlisting someone else to plan/book things for the wedding, no matter how little they are. It is our wedding, we are hosting, therefore our responsibility.

HisGirlFriday13

In light of the newly added comments, I stand by my early assessment.

Cookie Pusher

abbyj700

I am now so very thankful for my mother and future mother-in-law...

phira

Yeah, wow. I've got a great relationship with my mother and my future mother-in-law, and each of them is contributing in different ways to the wedding. Each of them has been super respectful of the fact that my partner and I are planning the wedding, and each of them has offered to help in whatever way we need help. It's been really wonderful.

I guess I didn't realize how snotty and immature I was!

RebeccaB88

So apparently it's not just 20 year old speshul snowflakes who think it's ok to have a tantrum and GBCK when their ideas and beliefs aren't validated. It's an ageless thing. 

jenniferurs

I find it absolutely HILarious that you think that the selfish snotty little daughters are the women who are planning and hosting their own weddings and not the precious daughter who enlisted her mom to plan the whole damn thing because she simply can't be bothered to make the time.

How utterly ironic.