Reaching the end of my bridesmaid rope ladies.....Update* Three days, so far, of no wedding talk

PennyBlossom2311

@FiancB - It's very sad...I'm not sure how the transition will go after the wedding is done. I think that she's only talked wedding with me for so long (since last may) that I don't think she knows how to talk about anything else. It's either that or she's mad that I don't want to talk wedding stuff. Idk. It will be an interesting transition after both weddings are over. I don't understand how planning a wedding can be a be all end all for someone. I'm so far on the other end of the spectrum, I just don't get it.

climbingsingle

Wow. She's really out of control. I can't imagine treating any of my friends like that. 

PolarBearFitz

PennyBlossom2311 said:

Good morning ladies,

Well, we spoke and I asked that we take a break from any wedding talk...So now, we just don't talk. I've asked how things are going with school and what her and her FI have been up to, and all  I I get are short little answers. I asked if she was upset about anything and she said that since we're not talking about wedding stuff, she doesn't really have anything else to talk about and nothing is going on. I have a feeling we won't be talking much after the wedding is over. It's kind of sad.

 

I don't understand how someone could only have their wedding to talk about. Seems to me she's gotten a bit carried away...really sad to see.

TKzilla

Maybe suggest that she make a Facebook group for her bridesmaids and other friends/family who are involved in wedding planning. She can channel all of her energy there, and you can mute notifications and check in at your leisure. That way, she still gets to feel like she's sharing and being heard, but you can decide when you want to listen to it.

pumpkinsandturkeys

I understand being excited and wanting to share that excitement with your friends. However, she clearly has respect and boundary issues.

I agree with ignoring the excessive texts, even if she gets upset and texts more. She might throw a fit when you do speak, but it won't be warranted. Also, I would keep your phone on silent/phone calls only at night if she has a habit of texting late at night and early in the morning when you don't want to be disturbed.

Designating a specific time to discuss everything is also a good idea. If she's just looking for feedback on things that obviously aren't time-sensitive, she can write down what she wants to discuss and save it for the particular day when you meet. There are also things like Google Docs that you can use where you can share a document containing text, pictures, links to things, etc. She can update it throughout the week, and you can take a look at your convenience.

If she loses it about you asking her to tone it down or with regard to you ignoring the AWish way she's acting, then so be it. What's the worst she'll do -- kick you out of her wedding party? If she resorts to that, it wouldn't be a WP I'd want to be in, anyway.

OliveOilsMom

She will probably be ones of those brides who falls into a depression after the wedding, because there is no more wedding to plan.

JCbride2015

OliveOilsMom said:

She will probably be ones of those brides who falls into a depression after the wedding, because there is no more wedding to plan.

This is just so sad.  How can the wedding be so all-absorbing you literally have nothing else to talk about or think about?

LakeR2014

@PennyBlossom2311 No Joke - has anyone suggested therapy to her?   If she literally has nothing to talk about except the wedding, then she needs to re-evaluate her life, priorities, and emotional health.  If she doesn't, then she's going to be really messed up/depressed after the wedding and it'll be worse then it is now.   Yikes!

PennyBlossom2311

Thank you ladies for letting me vent about everything. I'm not really sure how all of this will play out. This is the friend I have spoken about in several other posts and it has gotten to the point of me just being drained. I really love the girl to death, before she got engaged, we had a lot of fun talking about everything. Now it's just very strange. I've never gotten upset with her becasue I know she is excited and she never thought she would get married. Her mental mindset doesn't allow her see how over-the-top she can be sometimes and I know she doesn't mean to be that way to be rude. But a few comments over the last few weeks has really swayed my thought process. She mentioned to me that her mom thinks she has a bad memory, but it's really much better than she lets on. She plays on it so she can talk about things over and over again and no one will correct her. (well crap, here I was thinking I was being nice bc of her bad memory, and it's really not as bad as she lets on? BS) There have been other things like the comments about how her wedding will be much nicer than both of her sisters', like it's a competition. The calling at all hours to talk about every tiny wedding detail bc her FI isn't interested. But the biggest issue was when we had gone to look at BM dresses three different times and she still hadn't chosen a dress because if she did, she wouldn't be able to keep going dress shopping and she didn't want this to be over....Oh hellllll no. It was at that moment that I realized she was playing people's sympathy about her injury and it killed me. I lost all my patience for the 6am calls about hair clips and the 11pm texts about shoes. I have lost patience for the ever changing, color schemes and the drama with the baker bc she won't let her change her three wedding cakes to cupcakes without paying an extra fee. It's like she realized she was done planning and decided to start over. I love the girl, but this wedding has created some person that I do not recognize. She has become all consumed by the wedding and is in her own world with it. Idk, I am by no means going to back out on her...I promised I would be there and I want her to be happy. I'm just at the end of my rope and see that, as long as it's her way, she doesn't seem to care about anything else....When the wedding is over, it will be very interesting on how she transitions back to normal, everyday life.

For right now, I have said we can meet on Wednesdays for coffee and wedding talk, but she hasnt taken me up on it. As a PP mentioned, I thought about the facebook page, but one of the other BM said she doesnt have facebook. Could still be an option though. Right now, she's just not really talking to me. Idk, I'll keep you posted. I do appreciate all of the advice, trust me, Ive offered a few but right now I'm not getting a response. I'm sure there's more to come.

phira

Honestly, I would drop out of her wedding if this continues. It doesn't sound like her friendship is one that's worth keeping, and her behavior is all kinds of red flag-y to me. It would be bad enough that she makes comments about how her wedding will be better than yours (TO YOUR MOTHER. What even is this). It would be bad enough that she never asks you about your life. It would be bad enough that she is incapable of talking about anything besides her wedding. And it would be bad enough that she does not have an ounce of respect for your boundaries.

If I had a friend who called and texted me at all hours, I would block the number and/or document everything and try to get a restraining order. That's honestly terrifying, especially since you asked her multiple times to stop.

I wouldn't do anything more to enable her. I wouldn't have weekly meetings. I wouldn't have a facebook page. Your job as MOH for her wedding is to show up in the dress she selects, walk down the aisle and back up, maybe make a toast, and maybe throw a shower and bachelorette party. That's it. You're not responsible for being her sounding board. You're not signing up to be subjected to endless wedding talk. Dear lord, how have you not spontaneously combusted?!

HisGirlFriday13

I would also drop out. Just by staying in, you are tacitly condoning her behaviour, which is manipulative and rude.

She's playing on people's sympathy for her own attention and pleasure. That's just sick.

PennyBlossom2311

@phira - I know it can be a lot, and as I read things I realize , I guess, how over the top she is. I don't know how I haven't busted. I guess because we have been friends for so long, I'm just lenient with it. I tell myself, after the wedding, things will go back to normal and a part of me really hopes that things will return to how they were. I just tell myself she has just been one of the nutty brides you always hear about. Her wedding has gone to her head, and when it's done, she will snap out of it. Idk, I'm a very non confrontational person and usually just let things go. I guess I just felt bad bursting her bubble because she is so happy and excited. We've had some small talk the last few days and it seems to be getting a little better. Nothing has been mentioned about her wedding and  I haven't talked to her before 8am or after 9pm, so baby steps. Maybe she didn't realize she was being so over the top because I've been letting it slide. Maybe me snapping and then telling her I was to the point where I didn't want to even think about my own wedding because of how much we talked about hers, sank in. Whatever it was, the last few day have been nice, even though they've been quiet. We'll see. 

@HisGirlFriday13 - I know, I know lol You're telling me what FI has been telling me. And, trust me it's crossed my mind. It's easier said than done, I guess. Our families have been close since were were in kindergarten and pre-wedding her really is a sweet and funny girl. I really like that girl and value her friendship. I think that's why backing out is a tough call. I don't want to lose a friendship over it and see it as we're in the home stretch and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Her wedding will be over soon and it will be done and hopefully we can all move on. If things don't change afterwards, then I know I made an effort and can accept it. I'm seeing how our come-to-Jesus talk goes and, who knows, maybe now that she knows her behavior is not acceptable to me, she'll at least simmer down on the wedding crazy (on my end) 

Thanks for letting me vent ladies. I told FI I wouldn't keep bugging him with it because I know its getting old to him too. He's been a gem though and had listened and been really helpful with some of the dealings. 

PrettyGirlLost

What is this injury that you speak of?  Does she have brain damage?  I;m just asking because you mentioned an injury and that she has memory loss. . .

PennyBlossom2311

@ PrettyGirlLost- She suffered from a TBI after an accident nine years ago. She has the mindset of a teenager, but for the most part leads a very normal adult life. She lives on her own and can drive and is taking college classes to keep herself busy. She has some short term memory loss and some issues with confusion if she doesn't get enough sleep. She lost her filter for things after the accident and usually says whatever pops into her head,  which is something I love about her. 

We had a very honest talk today since it's Wedding Wednesday. I said that any Wednesday she can throw anything wedding related my way and I will be more than happy to listen and help out and she decided to take me up on it. After talking about the issues of the last few days, she finally admitted to something, I already knew and since I called her out on it she decided to be open with it. (Since her accident, she has been the primary focus of her parents. She receives all of their attention and has gotten quite used to being number one. The thing is, she has two other sisters that unfortunately get over shadowed even during milestones i.e graduating high school, graduating from boot camp, having a baby etc...) 

My friend's little sister is getting married next month and their mother has been in the final planning stages and is very busy with that. The wedding will be at their home and she is trying to have the last minute repairs and updates done for the wedding. Well, my friend is NOT handling that well and doesn't like that she is not the focus. Her wedding is in 5 months and all planned and she's upset that people are not fawning over her as they did in the beginning. On the other hand, her sister's wedding is in three weeks and she has been told to take a wedding break until her sister's wedding is over. Did not go over well. That started the changes from cakes to cupcakes, changing reception venue, changing all of the information she's given hr DJ about reception time and all new dances..along with a million other things. When all that happened, her mom had to call the vendors and straighten everything out because she confused herself and had forgotten what she changed. She told me today, she did all that because she wanted her mom to focus back on her wedding since she felt like she was being ignored. (ignored is a very very strong word and an exaggeration. I spoke with her mom and she said she had told my friend that since everything big was booked and set and all that was left were little things like table decorations and hair, it could wait until after her sister's wedding and the she needed to focus on her sister for the next little bit.) 

It all boils down to not wanting to share the "spotlight", if you will, with anyone. Not me and not her sister. This is her big day and she doesn't think it's fair that she is being told to be patient and take a break. Hey, I give her props for being honest with playing up her accident and not wanting to share any attention. Doesn't make it any easier but, I see where she has gotten used to being the most important and now she's having to share and doesn't like it. I asked her what she will do when her wedding is over and she teared up and just said, "I don't know, I won't be a bride anymore, just married." Not sure what that means for the future. But' we'll see.