Offbeat Weddings

Confession: I told my FI I did NOT want him asking my parent's blessing

edandyedandy member
100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited February 2014 in Offbeat Weddings
Cause it ain't their choice. I told him this several years ago when we were talking about engagements. Also, what if the parents said no? What then? Does FI just not ask? 

Re: Confession: I told my FI I did NOT want him asking my parent's blessing

  • I really don't think that matters as much anymore. It used to be a tradition thing, but of course, no one really goes that route these days.
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  • I did the same thing!  I think the asking of the parent's or father's blessing/permission is an extremely outdated custom and didn't want any part of it.  I'm a self-sufficient adult and can make my own life decisions. 
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    It matters a lot to some people (some people being the person being asked, the person asking, the parents of the person being asked, etc etc).

    I didn't want any part of it, and my partner didn't either. We checked in with each other to make sure, but we both kind of assumed that neither of us wanted it for either of us (e.g. I wasn't going to ask his parents, and he wasn't going to ask my mom).
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  • It would have been totally out of the norm for me, my intended, and my parents if he had asked them permission! I think we all would have been offended.
  • I think it's totally up to the couple, but for me, it was important to have my FI ask for my dad's blessing. I stress blessing because if he had said no, we would still be getting married (hence it was not permission). Yes it's patriarchal and outdated, and that's why I totally understand that I'm in the minority on this one. But for anyone looking for an olive branch without suggesting that their love is up for debate, I think this is a good compromise.
  • I think it just depends on the family structure. If I was closer to my mom, I would have thought it was sweet that my fiance included her in the asking (but like a PP said, to get her blessing, NOT her approval). However, we are not, and so it would have been incredibly odd for her to have been asked/included.
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
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    I said something similar to my FI, whose family is much more traditional than mine.  He asked whether he should ask my dad whether proposing to me.  I told him that if he did, my dad would likely tell him that he should ask me instead.  He did talk to my dad - I don't think specifically to ask his blessing, more the let him know - before he proposed and my dad said exactly that.

  • It was never even discussed with FI and I. I want to marry her, not her parents. I told her parents I was planning to ask her to marry me, because I needed their help planning it, but I certainly didn't ask their permission to marry her. I think its a ridiculously outdated custom. Her parents didn't even care that I never asked their permission, blessing or approval; and they're strict Hindus!

    One of my BM's dad was a little bit annoyed that her husband didn't ask for his blessing before he proposed, but he wasn't all that bothered.

    So, in your case, your FI shouldn't ask.
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  • I also explicitly asked my FI not to asked my father for permission/ approval/ blessing. I do not have a good relationship with my father, even if it would have been just a formality, it would have been too much honour.

    It was a wise decision, as father couldn't even be bothered congratulating me after I'd told him we'd gotten engaged. 
  • Ditto. My dad and I don't always get along, and I didn't think he should lord over my fate (I know, that's totally dramatic wording, but that's how I saw it). Plus there's a lot of super old traditions in weddings of men owning women, like asking for permission, being "given" away, taking the guy's last name, etc. I feel like all that is way too archaic. No one owns me. It was only my FI's decision to ask me and no one else's, and only my decision to say yes or no. No one else has any business in the matter!
  • I would ask mine too. Men don't own women, it's a sexist tradition to be honest. 
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