i want my boyfriend to propose

ashleysoomar

Hello all,

i'm a 27year old female. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are amazing. He is actually my best friend. The only thing that is bothering me is I want to get married SOO BAD! I'm financially secure, I have a great job, benefits, I lived on my own before him as well. I have tried giving him an ultimatum and that didnt work - but I feel come summer I'm just going to break up with him because I'm tired of waiting. He says once he has more money in the bank he will propose, but sometimes I just feel like it wont happen. What difference does it make now or in a few months? I dont know what to do I'm tired of waiting - i thought i would be married and have a house by now and by 28 i'd be having my first child and here i am no where close....

minskat30

ashleysoomar said:

Hello all,

i'm a 27year old female. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are amazing. He is actually my best friend. The only thing that is bothering me is I want to get married SOO BAD! I'm financially secure, I have a great job, benefits, I lived on my own before him as well. I have tried giving him an ultimatum and that didnt work - but I feel come summer I'm just going to break up with him because I'm tired of waiting. He says once he has more money in the bank he will propose, but sometimes I just feel like it wont happen. What difference does it make now or in a few months? I dont know what to do I'm tired of waiting - i thought i would be married and have a house by now and by 28 i'd be having my first child and here i am no where close....

Why do you want to get married so badly?  And why on Earth would you give someone an ultimatum and not follow through? Maybe he isn't ready to marry you (that is what it sounds like based on the fact that he wants more money in the bank...a smart decision before entering into marriage). 

buddysmom80

ashleysoomar said:

Hello all,

i'm a 27year old female. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are amazing. He is actually my best friend. The only thing that is bothering me is I want to get married SOO BAD! I'm financially secure, I have a great job, benefits, I lived on my own before him as well. I have tried giving him an ultimatum and that didnt work - but I feel come summer I'm just going to break up with him because I'm tired of waiting. He says once he has more money in the bank he will propose, but sometimes I just feel like it wont happen. What difference does it make now or in a few months? I dont know what to do I'm tired of waiting - i thought i would be married and have a house by now and by 28 i'd be having my first child and here i am no where close....

What's wrong with the way things are? Ultimatums never work. Have you guys discussed a timeline? What may seem like you're ready, he may not be but you guys can get on the same page.

Ollie08

Hello all,

i'm a 27year old female. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are amazing. He is actually my best friend. The only thing that is bothering me is I want to get married SOO BAD! I'm financially secure, I have a great job, benefits, I lived on my own before him as well. I have tried giving him an ultimatum and that didnt work - but I feel come summer I'm just going to break up with him because I'm tired of waiting. He says once he has more money in the bank he will propose, but sometimes I just feel like it wont happen. What difference does it make now or in a few months? I dont know what to do I'm tired of waiting - i thought i would be married and have a house by now and by 28 i'd be having my first child and here i am no where close….

I think you pose a great question: What difference DOES it make? He will propose when and if he's ready. Have you discussed a timeline?

emmyg65

Why do you want to be married so badly? There is no life script that says you have to achieve certain milestones by a certain age, or even that those milestones are important in and of themselves.

phira

If you want to get married by a certain time, that's totally fine. If he doesn't want to get married by that time, then you can either wait or not marry him.

Have you talked with him about timelines?

Also, I think it's time to lose the whole, "I want him to propose!" thing (in general, not just aimed at you, OP). If two adults are in a relationship, they should be able to discuss whether or not they want to get married, and if they do eventually want to be married, what timeline makes them feel comfortable. The fact is, you're ready to be engaged, and he's not. Screw, "PROPOSE ALREADY." Honestly, I think that a lot of engagements get delayed, not because one person doesn't want to be engaged, but because they're so anxious about proposing with the right ring at the right time in the right way.

If he doesn't want to get engaged until he's in a better place financially, that's totally understandable. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm ready whenever you are to get engaged. I'd like to be engaged by [time], though. Just let me know when you're ready."

And if he's never ready, then ... either be okay with waiting longer OR be an adult and end the relationship. Ultimatums happen sometimes, but if you say, "We get engaged by [date] or I'm leaving," then you'd better be ready to leave when he doesn't want to be engaged by [date].

mbross3

It sounds like you should have an honest, adult conversation with your boyfriend. It honestly sounds like you want a wedding more than you want a stable and committed relationship with your boyfriend. You can't rush things like a marriage proposal. It seems like you have a few options: (1) Have an honest conversation about your relationship timeline (2) You can propose to your boyfriend (3) You wait for your boyfriend to propose to you (4) You break up with your boyfriend

Hummingbird125

I never understand women who are "tired of waiting" and want to give an ultimatum, when it sounds like their SO does intend on marrying them, he's just reasonably waiting for certain things to happen. If everything else is great with your BF, and if you do think he does want to marry you eventually...then won't breaking up with him just make it take even longer for you to get married? It's comments like the OP that prove that there are women who care more about getting a ring on their finger and having a wedding than about finding the right person to spend the rest of their life with.

Swazzle

Sounds like you don't care much about your boyfriend and you just want to marry someone. Good luck with the ultimatums. They always work out well.

500days

Sounds like resentment has set in...danger danger. Definitely time to have a thorough conversation regarding your relationship timeline with your BF. You may be ready to go, but remember that it's not just you in the relationship! 

CLoGreenEyes

Hello all,

i'm a 27year old female. I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are amazing. He is actually my best friend. The only thing that is bothering me is I want to get married SOO BAD! I'm financially secure, I have a great job, benefits, I lived on my own before him as well. I have tried giving him an ultimatum and that didnt work - but I feel come summer I'm just going to break up with him because I'm tired of waiting. He says once he has more money in the bank he will propose, but sometimes I just feel like it wont happen. What difference does it make now or in a few months? I dont know what to do I'm tired of waiting - i thought i would be married and have a house by now and by 28 i'd be having my first child and here i am no where close....

SITB

 

Relax. Breathe. You've lived together for less than a year, maybe have been in a relationship somewhat longer than that. Compare this to the several decades you hope to spend with this man - a few months between now and engagement time doesn't seem so significant.

I can understand the urgency and the excitement. It's fun to commit to the one you love! But don't let it poison what sounds like a wonderful and meaningful relationship for you. Life rarely works out the way we think it will, based on our own personal timelines and such, but that doesn't mean something is wrong. Instead of thinking about, "It's time for me to be married and have a child already!" enjoy your relationship with your BF and plan with him for a future together, instead of telling him how it will work. I do think there's a time and a place for ultimatums, but it sounds like you're far from it. Your BF has a good reason for waiting (financial stability is a big deal in relationships!), and nothing you say paints him as a commitment-phobe. So again I say, relax! Have a grown-up conversation with him, enjoy your relationship, and don't stress about the engagement thing.

Pepperally

I was exactly where you are about 8 years ago, and it got me real far...far enough to be planning a wedding that never ended up happening because I pushed him into it. If you are truly happy with him, then take your time. I also got caught up in thinking I should have done this and that like all my friends. You need to live your life. Everyone isn't ready to be married at the exact same time. Look at what you have accomplished and relax. Enjoy your relationship. The next steps will come when you are both truly ready.

bethsmiles

I've been with my BF for over 5 years now, there are a lot of women on this site who have been with their SO for even longer before getting engaged. Relationships aren't about the arbitrary goals you set. So what if you aren't married by 28? So what if you aren't married by 29? Is it really about being married by a certain age or is about finding the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with and taking that step when you are both ready?

If you want to marry your boyfriend (not just be married to anyone but want to be married to him) then I suggest being an adult and having a conversation about where you see yourselves in 1, 5, and 10 years. Discuss what he feels needs to be accomplished before getting married and how you can move toward accomplishing those things. Get on the same page about a timeline but be realistic about life happening and let the timeline be flexible.

If you just want to be married to anyone because when you're married is more important than who you marry, do you BF a favor and leave now.

Dignity100

I've been with my FI for over 6 years.  I will be 35 by the time we are married (first marriage for both).  We are still talking about having kids even though we are older.  I thought I'd be married before I hit 30, but you know what, it didn't happen.  I realize now, it wasn't even just a financial thing - it was also about where we were in life that we waited (he was not happy with his job).  I've been there too where I didn't think it would happen, when I felt that way - FI and I would talk and lay out our plan (new jobs, pay off X, save up a little, get engaged, get married, get new house, have kid(s)).

Your post said 'I' a lot - but what about him?  Is he in a financially secure?  Is he happy with his career path?  Enjoy what you have - there should be no rush to get married.

audrewuh

You know, the best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends.* 

Sounds like you're forgetting the part of being a friend that means "caring about the other person's feelings." We cannot tell you if your BF is blowing smoke up your ass about wanting to save money or not. That's on you. But each and every one of us can tell you that our SO's or our own selves said the exact same thing and meant every bit of it when talking engagement/marriage. 

In this kind of economy, you can't just hope for love to take care of your bills. So listen to your BF, he sounds like a smart guy. *And he probably wouldn't suggest you use your full name as your TK UN. 

ShallowSeas

You can't really "plan" every detail of your life. Things happen that we don't expect to happen so having your life already planned is just setting yourself up for disappointment.  Why would you want an engagement and marriage based on an ultimatum?

GoldenPenguin

lennonkdc

Have you tried anal? Maybe that'll work...

lennonkdc

Seriously though, PP are wise. Listen to them. 

At 27 I ZOMG wanted to be married to my BF sooooooo bad I could taste it. He wasn't ready. I waited, and we talked, and I waited, and we'd talk and I waited and we talked. I felt like I just wanted my life to START ALREADY! I was 32 when he proposed, and I realized that the whole 9 years we'd spent together before that moment WAS my life, it had started and I wasted a lot of it thinking that it was 'on hold' until marriage/house/babies/whatever. Waiting when you're ready and the other person isn't does suck, but its worth it for the right person, and when he is ready its awesome and you'll also wonder why you were in such a hurry in the first place. 

LabLove86

lennonkdc said:

Seriously though, PP are wise. Listen to them. 

At 27 I ZOMG wanted to be married to my BF sooooooo bad I could taste it. He wasn't ready. I waited, and we talked, and I waited, and we'd talk and I waited and we talked. I felt like I just wanted my life to START ALREADY! I was 32 when he proposed, and I realized that the whole 9 years we'd spent together before that moment WAS my life, it had started and I wasted a lot of it thinking that it was 'on hold' until marriage/house/babies/whatever. Waiting when you're ready and the other person isn't does suck, but its worth it for the right person, and when he is ready its awesome and you'll also wonder why you were in such a hurry in the first place. 

This - so much this. 

OP - in a lot of ways I am in the same boat as you are - but I also realize that my BF just isn't emotionally ready yet. He says he is, and he says that its finances he's waiting for - but I know he just isn't there yet. And that is 100% ok - I know he will get there (and I know he is getting closer and closer. . . I can tell by comments he makes, eft.).

This is absolutely something that both people in the relationship need to be ready for. I know that I personally would say my vows to him tomorrow if he wanted to - but he has to want that too. And I want him to want and be ready for the Marriage - not just the wedding.

It will happen when you're both ready - until then - enjoy the life that you're already sharing with him.

IllusionsDepths

Up until now I have kept my comments and opinions to myself. Until recently I felt the same way as you @ashleysoomar only I posted something that a lot of people on here disagreed with, and it forced me to put my big girl panties on and face the tough love and deal with things the way I needed to.

I understand wanting to be at that point in life where you want to be married, and have kids and be a family with the one you love. Listen to these ladies on here. No one is saying these things to be mean or rude and a lot of them have you and your relationship's best interest at heart.

Gina0887

Whoaaaa. Slow down. Breathe. I was with FI 4 years before he proposed (and we lived together 3 1/2 years and already had a child together). Have you sat and actually talked to him about future plans. What is the rush for you to get married? I found out my FI waited so long bc marriage scared him (everyone in his family is divorced). Maybe there is something else to it. And from having just about all male frieds, guys tend to be very turned off to girls who 1. give ultimatums and 2. want to get married so bad. It makes them feel trapped. Just breathe and take things day by day and enjoy being his girlfriend and having together time. When kids come, that is rare!

suzie211

Yeah it sounds like you want to play dress up and have babies because it's the cool thing to do.  Marriage and babies are a lot of work.  They aren't as glamorous as movies make them out to be.

There is no magic age or timeline to get married or start having babies.  Ultimatums won't make you happy.  Enjoy your relationship where it is.  No one likes pressure to do something they aren't ready for.  Learn to appreciate the person you love.  If you truly want to be with him forever then you will be happy just being with him now.  A ring doesn't magically make you committed.  The actual relationship does.  Work on that.

And since you are such a responsible adult, I suggest taking your financially secure bank account and investing in big girl panties and patience pants.  You need them.

Pruskiwedding

PLEASE READ. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE

I can completely relate.  From your age  to your living situation to your boyfriends reasons for not wanting to get engaged yet.  

Around Valentines day he 'caved.' He told me he thought in a year we would be married and trying to start a family. I told him that didn't happen magically and weddings took time to plan; his response was to start planning. I felt his reluctance but I heard the words I had been so desperate to hear and I took off running with wedding plans full steam ahead.  My family booked and paid for a venue and I got angrier instead of happier.  I still wanted a proposal, I still wanted him to get excited about the wedding. We started fighting A LOT because of my insecurities.  I pushed him so far away so quickly. 

Today we are still not engaged, the wedding is off, and I am trying to win him back.  My advice to you: Don't push him. If you love him, be patient, be kind, trust in God's timing.

I think as women, we spend our whole life dreaming of this day  and when we find the one, we just want it to happen so fast that instead of showing them love or demonstrating kindness and patience, we become very selfish and inadvertently push them away, when we should be serving them and giving them reasons to want to marry us.  Ultimatums don't work with  men, neither does nagging, we were just programmed differently.

It took losing him to realize that our wedding didn't matter. The only thing that matters is our love. If he is the guy, wait for him.  Let him make that commitment to you on his timing and under his circumstances.  You will be happier in the long run, as well.

To help pass the time, pick up a copy of the Love Dare at a bookstore.  It will help reignite your love.

sarahmarie409

you're bat shit crazy!

Blackbird230

I'm waiting for the OP to return to this thread...if she ever does.

AuroraRose41

@ashleysoomar, I am in a similar situation right now. In fact, my BF has even told me a basic timeline (in the next few years) for when he would like to get married "without ruining the surprise" of the proposal.  However, my BF and I have had very serious conversations about our life goals and where we see ourselves in the future.  When he first told me, I will admit I went a little BSC about pinning wedding ideas onto a secret Pinterest board and actively thinking about the wedding. I wanted the ring as soon as he told me his timeline. I know he has even been ring shopping.

    But you know what? We have had some serious events (finding out I need surgery, his car breaking down and needing thousands of dollars worth of repairs, etc) happen in the past few weeks since he told me this. I took a breather and remembered that the present has to come first, and focus on getting through the hard stuff together, to make us stronger as a couple.  I also came to terms with the fact that any money he had been saving for a ring is going to go to either repairing his car or buying a new one, and that's perfectly okay with me.  And when the time is right, it will happen.  

IllusionsDepths

AuroraRose41 said:

@ashleysoomar, I am in a similar situation right now. In fact, my BF has even told me a basic timeline (in the next few years) for when he would like to get married "without ruining the surprise" of the proposal.  However, my BF and I have had very serious conversations about our life goals and where we see ourselves in the future.  When he first told me, I will admit I went a little BSC about pinning wedding ideas onto a secret Pinterest board and actively thinking about the wedding. I wanted the ring as soon as he told me his timeline. I know he has even been ring shopping.

    But you know what? We have had some serious events (finding out I need surgery, his car breaking down and needing thousands of dollars worth of repairs, etc) happen in the past few weeks since he told me this. I took a breather and remembered that the present has to come first, and focus on getting through the hard stuff together, to make us stronger as a couple.  I also came to terms with the fact that any money he had been saving for a ring is going to go to either repairing his car or buying a new one, and that's perfectly okay with me.  And when the time is right, it will happen.  

This sounds so similar to my situation it's scary lol. Only it's my car we're fixing.

AuroraRose41

@IllusionsDepths Good luck with your car! I hope everything works out for you!

Fortunately in our case I have a new car, so it looks like we are going to be driving that everywhere for now, but it's a very stressful situation.  I hate seeing him so upset over it too, because he loves the car. And this is all the result of it being improperly fixed after an accident, so now he is in the process of trying to get it totalled, but the insurance company has been a PITA about it. And they have even spent more than the car is worth already fixing it before all of this happened!

EDIT: because I forgot the T in PITA.

IllusionsDepths

@AuroraRose41 Thanks! Luckily I'm insured with full coverage, but coming up with the money for the deductible is tough at times. It looks like we'll get it fixed in a couple weeks though.

I'm sorry to hear that it's not going so well. Why do insurance companies have to be so frustrating to deal with? I hate having to talk to them at all, let alone when I actually need something from them. I hope things work themselves out positively for you soon.

lennonkdc

Why do the OP's never come back? Was it something we said?!?!?

Seriously though, for those of you lurking- many of us, myself included, came on the this board yelling "when dear sweet lord when will he propose!?!?!?!?" We were flamed, we got over it, we got our heads on straight and figured out how to love our relationships. Some of us are now engaged or married, and some of us realized that the relationship wasn't working, and have moved on to bigger better things. 

Moral of the story: Engagement and Marriage are blips on the timeline of a relationship, not a finish line in and of themselves.