"Bachelorette Weekend" Vent **Update**

Rebl90

I’ve posted quite a bit about a wedding that I’m in the month before mine. The bride is a dear friend but has become increasingly selfish. She started out strong, asking our budgets before choosing BM dresses, but since then it has gone downhill.  Snapshot of her wedding: no chairs for the ceremony, telling guests how to dress/what shoes to wear on their website, asking for money/gift cards on their site, sending invites out 14+ weeks out “to get a good idea of who can for sure make it”, registry info on the invites, etc.

Today, the MOH – the bride’s sister, told us all via facebook that the bachelorette “party” would be next month and it consists of a full weekend away – hotel costs for 2 nights, ferry costs (Catalina), spa appointments, Sunday brunch, dinners out, and outdoor excursions.  Travel and Hotel alone are $200 and she couldn't give any figures as to how much the rest of the weekend would cost. I’m a full time college student and have my own wedding in 3 months (YAY!). I refuse to feel bad that I can’t afford to “give the bride what she deserves”.  I gently but firmly said the costs, as ambiguous as they are, were simply too much for me, and felt relieved as soon as I did.  But what angers me the most, is that the bride has been talking about a weekend getaway for months, when 2 of the bridesmaids will be 7 months pregnant next month.  When I first said that I would be unable to do so, the preggos chimed in and said it was pretty unrealistic for them and yet the remaining few are insistent that this is what the bride wants so this is what THEY are doing.

Are people just not decent and thoughtful anymore? (Oh, and we need to give her the money NOW and there’s no refunds!)

****Update****

So now the bride is involved in the facebook group, no more "surprise" so "she can decide what she wants to do".  My first thought was, "oh good, this madness will end and she will realize how excessive this is!".  WRONG.  Bride's response to high hotel costs - rent a beach house for the weekend so "everyone can be together" - and its 2x the cost of the hotel rooms (still more expensive than 2 hotel rooms when splitting it among the few girls who are able to go). She's now posting links to rentals and rating which ones she likes more.  I think I may have the flu that weekend....

Mandafly84

That sucks.  You made the right call.  And FWIW, I'm not in college, not saving for my wedding, and not 7 months pregnant, and I still probably wouldn't do a 2 night bachelorette party with meals and drinking and spa treatments and "excursions."  That just sounds ridiculously excessive, even more so considering that it's out of reach for at least 3 of the bridesmaids.

Out of curiosity, how many 'maids are there?

HisGirlFriday13

In answer to your question, No, people are not decent and kind anymore. It's ridiculous. And this 'bachelorette weekend' is OTT and ridiculous. SERIOUSLY -- just insane. 

When did brides start to think 'Oh, I DESERVE this and this and this?' When did brides start having this ridiculous gatherings that are apparently an attempt to out-rival the groom's in terms of either vulgarity (strippers) or costs (Vegas and weekends and whatever)? When did this start?

And when will it end? That's my other question. When will people stop being do damn demanding of their friends?

And for that matter, do these people ever look around after the wedding and think, 'Damn, I wonder why I don't have any friends anymore. I wonder what happened. I wonder if my insane behaviour at my wedding alienated them and that's why no one wants to be my friend anymore?'

I mean, my bachelorette party was lunch (that I did get to pick -- HIBACHI!!!!!!!) and a tour of three local vineyards (we live in Central PA, so there are lots to choose from). Two of DH's groomsmen took him on a pub crawl the night before our wedding, which meant he had one (free) beer each at the pubs they stopped at and he went to bed early. (Also, he called when he was at a pub near my parents' house and I met him out).

I just.don't.get.it.

AddieCake

After kicking me out of her wedding and kicking another friend's children out, my cousin still didn't understand why her friendships were dwindling. Where's the Scooby Doo Gang when you need them to solve these puzzlers?

flyingfoxes

I wouldn't be on board with that either.  My friends are disappointed that I've said no to anything bachelorette (I really hate being the center of attention so the wedding is about as much as I can handle!), and my FI says he doesn't want anything either (I don't mind if he does, but he's been married before and isn't interested this time around).  The last couple of bachelorette parties I've been to have been the bar crawls where the bride has to do silly things off a list - nothing super-indulgent or expensive.

Rebl90

Mandafly84 said:

That sucks.  You made the right call.  And FWIW, I'm not in college, not saving for my wedding, and not 7 months pregnant, and I still probably wouldn't do a 2 night bachelorette party with meals and drinking and spa treatments and "excursions."  That just sounds ridiculously excessive, even more so considering that it's out of reach for at least 3 of the bridesmaids.

Out of curiosity, how many 'maids are there?

Thanks, I just couldn't put myself at such financial risk for someone else for a freakin party. There are 8 of us total, because you know, you can't have uneven sides! The preggos are his side of the family and I think that's why they don't care.  

HisGirlFriday13 said:

In answer to your question, No, people are not decent and kind anymore. It's ridiculous. And this 'bachelorette weekend' is OTT and ridiculous. SERIOUSLY -- just insane. 

When did brides start to think 'Oh, I DESERVE this and this and this?' When did brides start having this ridiculous gatherings that are apparently an attempt to out-rival the groom's in terms of either vulgarity (strippers) or costs (Vegas and weekends and whatever)? When did this start?

And when will it end? That's my other question. When will people stop being do damn demanding of their friends?

And for that matter, do these people ever look around after the wedding and think, 'Damn, I wonder why I don't have any friends anymore. I wonder what happened. I wonder if my insane behaviour at my wedding alienated them and that's why no one wants to be my friend anymore?'

I mean, my bachelorette party was lunch (that I did get to pick -- HIBACHI!!!!!!!) and a tour of three local vineyards (we live in Central PA, so there are lots to choose from). Two of DH's groomsmen took him on a pub crawl the night before our wedding, which meant he had one (free) beer each at the pubs they stopped at and he went to bed early. (Also, he called when he was at a pub near my parents' house and I met him out).

I just.don't.get.it.

I'm glad I'm not the only who feels this way, my bachelorette will be a night in at the hotel suite I already reserved for the weekend (before the bachelorette was planned) and we're just going to make drinks and watch movies...because that's what my friends and family can do! I didn't even let my MOH plan a night out because I know that people have better things to do with their time and money! Side note, I promise I'm not hosting my own bachelorette, I just already reserved the room and my MOH is taking over from there.  

Rebl90

AddieL73 said:

After kicking me out of her wedding and kicking another friend's children out, my cousin still didn't understand why her friendships were dwindling. Where's the Scooby Doo Gang when you need them to solve these puzzlers?

I think we need the great philosophers of old to figure out these great mysteries...

HaileyDancingbear

I honestly didn't realize bachelorette parties GOT this ridiculous until I joined TK and started hearing the horror stories.  I can't fathom being so demanding of the people I care about, over such shallow things.  I would be grateful for any party thrown in my honor because it's the thought that counts- just the fact that these people wanted to have a celebration for me would be more than enough.  

I just think it's disappointing on all ends when someone expects people to go so far out of their way for such trivial things- those expectations will rarely be met, making the bride disappointed, and since the bride views this as a "Requirement" rather than a nice gesture, I don't imagine the hosts of the party receive much, if any gratitude, which can be disappointing for them.  

Idk, people like to tell FI and I that we don't take things seriously enough or are too calm- really, we just don't let the little things drive us nuts, and would rather focus on the good around us.  And frankly, I'd rather be "Too calm" than so high strung that not having a full weekend bachelorette party upsets me- getting upset is a lot of effort, I'd rather save that for things that actually matter rather than waste energy being upset over little things.  

Vivandiere8

I think the internet has had a lot to do with making brides think that the unreasonable is reasonable. They read about someone else doing elaborate things and they think that gives them permission to act as though it's the norm. It's like the unique ideas on pintrests being over used so they are not so unique. I am sure reality wedding shows have also helped with the spoiled brat trend.

Rebl90

Vivandiere8 said:

I think the internet has had a lot to do with making brides think that the unreasonable is reasonable. They read about someone else doing elaborate things and they think that gives them permission to act as though it's the norm. It's like the unique ideas on pintrests being over used so they are not so unique. I am sure reality wedding shows have also helped with the spoiled brat trend.

I agree 100%. It really bothers me that they are being so inconsiderate of the majority. 2 pregnant women, 1 new mom who is still nursing, and myself who is simply unable to spend that much on one weekend.  That leaves the bride and her 2 sisters and her BFF....seem convenient to anyone else?

Lavender123

"Sending invites out 14+ weeks out" - wait is this a big deal? We sent ours at just under 4 months... is that really bad? We sent STDs around 8/9 months before because a lot of people are OOT and it felt like it had been ages. Our RSVP date is 4 weeks before the wedding in case we needed to follow up with anyone as our caterer needs number at 2 weeks.

Rebl90

Lavender123 said:

"Sending invites out 14+ weeks out" - wait is this a big deal? We sent ours at just under 4 months... is that really bad? We sent STDs around 8/9 months before because a lot of people are OOT and it felt like it had been ages. Our RSVP date is 4 weeks before the wedding in case we needed to follow up with anyone as our caterer needs number at 2 weeks.

It's extremely early, nearly double the traditional 8 weeks, especially if you sent out save the dates, as that is the point of sending save the dates. RSVP dates should fall closer to 2 weeks before your event as people will have a higher likelihood of forgetting to mail back an RSVP when it is so early and they are unsure of their future plans.  Also, people often assume that you have multiple lists of people you are inviting when you try to get the numbers in so early, since that is what brides do when they have "B" and "C" guest lists.  

jenniferurs

I'll be 7 months pregnant at my best friend's bachelorette party which is a weekend long getaway in Key West. I would never dream of missing it and would feel the same way about any person with whom I was close enough to be in their bridal party. Now, budget is a whole nother issue and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I just can't imagine missing one of my closest friends' bachelorettes because I'm pregnant.

jenna8984

People are seriously just ridiculous. I bet if any of us who are around 30 years old ask out mothers about their bachelorette party 9 out of 10 of them would say "what's that? I didn't have that". It's a whole new concept that has become so blown out of proportion just like everything else in wedding world.

My best friend asked me what types of things I'd be interested in for my bachelorette since I don't drink alcohol and I said "Oh you know, beach day, dinner, a show" and then I made it perfectly clear "these are SEPARATE options, ie chose one, I would never expect ALL of them"

Bubblegum5586

I planned a 2 night bachelorette trip for my best friend. No one was obligated for both days (or at all!) It was completely optional, just a fun weekend away. It was in- state about a 2-3 hour drive depending on where you lived and the price was $50 a night (including dinner and breakfast). It was a huge hit and we had 7 of us of the first night and 18 the 2nd night!!!

I have declined bachelorette's for financial reasons as well. It's not fair to ever expect anyone to over extend themselves financially for a party.

I bet the bride is disappointed that a few friends can't come, but then she should have done something more low- key (back to the story above - I made it as affordable as I could for everyone, and almost everyone came!)

pinkshorts27

jenniferurs said:

I'll be 7 months pregnant at my best friend's bachelorette party which is a weekend long getaway in Key West. I would never dream of missing it and would feel the same way about any person with whom I was close enough to be in their bridal party. Now, budget is a whole nother issue and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I just can't imagine missing one of my closest friends' bachelorettes because I'm pregnant.

I have never been pregnant, but I can tell you that people handle pregnancy differently. My mom was out and about and had tons of energy until the ninth month. But I've had two friends who felt gross and had no energy pretty much the entire time. I can't say it's be there for sure if I was 7 months. Oh and in two months they are about to get a pretty big expense added to their house hold.

grumbledore

Yeah when I was 7 months pregnant, I definitely would not have been up to attending a bachelorette party.

NYCBruin

Weekend bachelorettes don't bother me so much as they are pretty common in my circle.  Given that my group of friends is scattered throughout the country, getting together inevitably involves travel.  Celebrating a bride is really just an excuse to see each other.

That said, I don't understand why someone would plan a bach party that many of their friends wouldn't be able to attend.  Isn't the whole point to have a fun day/night/weekend with your closest friends?!  I can't think of any activity/party I would prefer to having all my friends there.  Sure, spa days are nice, but I'd much prefer a casual night with a homecooked meal, two buck chuck and chick flicks if it meant everyone could be there.

ei34

OOT Bach parties/bachelorette "weekends" annoy me. I've never taken part in one and I don't plan to. Good for you for sticking to your guns!

mysticl

jenniferurs said:

I'll be 7 months pregnant at my best friend's bachelorette party which is a weekend long getaway in Key West. I would never dream of missing it and would feel the same way about any person with whom I was close enough to be in their bridal party. Now, budget is a whole nother issue and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I just can't imagine missing one of my closest friends' bachelorettes because I'm pregnant.

When I was 7 months pregnant I had weekly OB visits due to a high blood pressure scare.  I was not medically cleared to travel.  I had severe swelling in my feet and could not stand or even sit with my feet down for long periods of time.  Even before this complication arose I had dizzy spells if I stood too long.  You may not be able to imagine missing it but when it comes to pregnancy you just never know what will come up or how you will feel.  

pinkcow13

NYCBruin said:

Weekend bachelorettes don't bother me so much as they are pretty common in my circle.  Given that my group of friends is scattered throughout the country, getting together inevitably involves travel.  Celebrating a bride is really just an excuse to see each other.

That said, I don't understand why someone would plan a bach party that many of their friends wouldn't be able to attend.  Isn't the whole point to have a fun day/night/weekend with your closest friends?!  I can't think of any activity/party I would prefer to having all my friends there.  Sure, spa days are nice, but I'd much prefer a casual night with a homecooked meal, two buck chuck and chick flicks if it meant everyone could be there.

Same here, weekend Bach parties are more common in mine as well. I would love to go to Miami for mine, BUT I will not force the idea on my bridesmaids and friends. My MOH is crazy about going (she has never been and instantly said she would be planning Miami or Cabo for my bachelorette), but I told her that unless everyone is on board, I would want to do something local.(In my opinion, Cabo is out of the question because I know that would be way too expensive). I know that not everyone's financial situation is the same and I do not want my bachelorette party to be a burden on anyone. As long as I'm with my friends for my bachelorette I don't care where it is.

thisismynickname2

Rebl90 said:

 I refuse to feel bad that I can’t afford to “give the bride what she deserves”.  I gently but firmly said the costs, as ambiguous as they are, were simply too much for me, and felt relieved as soon as I did.  But what angers me the most, is that the bride has been talking about a weekend getaway for months, when 2 of the bridesmaids will be 7 months pregnant next month.  When I first said that I would be unable to do so, the preggos chimed in and said it was pretty unrealistic for them and yet the remaining few are insistent that this is what the bride wants so this is what THEY are doing.

Are people just not decent and thoughtful anymore? (Oh, and we need to give her the money NOW and there’s no refunds!)

There are two problems going on today: 1) Brides who feel they deserve the world and 2) Friends who feel brides deserve the world (probably because they want(ed) that when they are/were brides themselves. 

To the bolded: I nearly got manipulated into going over my own budget for a bridal shower. Two bridesmaids were employed part time waitressing, one bridesmaid was unemployed, the MOH had a solid job but was saving for her own wedding, and then there was me with a solid job.  The bride's mother had suggested having the shower at a park pavilion. One BM, one of the waitresses, was demanding that we have the shower at her restaurant (an upscale Italian place) because she'd get a 40% discount. Well, even with the 40% discount, the per-'maid cost would be unreasonable.

Her constant refrain was, "Well Bride deserves something nice!"  What? And when I say manipulative, things got all crazy because this 'maid lied to the bride about the MOH, blah blah blah. We had the shower at the park pavilion after all.

And after all that, even a bachelorette night of dinner and dancing in the city, the bride told me after the wedding that she felt bad about how much everything must have cost us.  I ended up being the one to fill her in on the 'maid drama and how she almost had a shower at a fancy restaurant and she was aghast, saying she wouldn't have wanted that!  

Oy.

If you don't want to pay for something, don't do it, don't be manipulated into it, don't be guilted into it, nothing. 

abbyj700

jenniferurs said:

I'll be 7 months pregnant at my best friend's bachelorette party which is a weekend long getaway in Key West. I would never dream of missing it and would feel the same way about any person with whom I was close enough to be in their bridal party. Now, budget is a whole nother issue and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I just can't imagine missing one of my closest friends' bachelorettes because I'm pregnant.

I feel the same. It cost me more than $1k to attend and plan my sisters party in Philly. I wouldn't have missed it for the world and I know she along with my other bridesmaids are planning something here in Cincinnati that she will have to pay for flight/hotel/night out etc. One of my BM's has been bringing up the idea of a weekend in Nashville or Chicago. 

That being said - if you can't financially do any type of bachelorette party - then don't. As long as the bride isn't demanding these things - I think we can all say that everyone has different budgets they live on/ play on, and if you can't go, say you'd love to go but it's out of budget. It's not a required budget and a good bride will know it has nothing to do with your commitment and love to her.

Rebl90

abbyj700 said: jenniferurs said: I'll be 7 months pregnant at my best friend's bachelorette party which is a weekend long getaway in Key West. I would never dream of missing it and would feel the same way about any person with whom I was close enough to be in their bridal party. Now, budget is a whole nother issue and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I just can't imagine missing one of my closest friends' bachelorettes because I'm pregnant. I feel the same. It cost me more than $1k to attend and plan my sisters party in Philly. I wouldn't have missed it for the world and I know she along with my other bridesmaids are planning something here in Cincinnati that she will have to pay for flight/hotel/night out etc. One of my BM's has been bringing up the idea of a weekend in Nashville or Chicago. 
That being said - if you can't financially do any type of bachelorette party - then don't. As long as the bride isn't demanding these things - I think we can all say that everyone has different budgets they live on/ play on, and if you can't go, say you'd love to go but it's out of budget. It's not a required budget and a good bride will know it has nothing to do with your commitment and love to her. The problem is that the bride is demanding a getaway weekend,and her sisters are afraid to plan anything other than that because she told them that is what she wants and expects and does not want anything less. There was no talk of budget or availability before this was sprung upon us. I was expecting to spend money on a bachelorette party, maybe $150 for a nice day/night out but not upwards of $300-$500 and an entire weekend.  The bride's attitude is really sad when you think that she KNOWINGLY chose 2 bridesmaids who will be 8 months pregnant, 1 nursing mother, and 2 full time college students (I'm not the only one). There is a compete lack of thoughtfulness, and from the comments the other BMs are making it is obvious that it is hurting her relationship with most of us.

 The bottom line is no one deserves anything like this. There is nothing wrong with saying you would like something like this, but there needs to be an attitude of graciousness and humility. This is why it is rude and against etiquette for a bride to plan her own parties, because this is exactly what she is doing.

HisGirlFriday13

The biggest trend in bachelorette parties that annoys me is the invoicing -- being told (either as a BM or just as a guest) what your 'share' of the event is and then being made to feel guilty if you can't/won't participate. I had one friend whose MOH/sister asked me, after I declined, 'Is it for financial reasons?' (It was, but I didn't think that was any of her business). I said, 'I'm just unable to attend.' She followed up with, 'Well, if it's not financial, you could still contribute to the weekend if you wanted to! It wouldn't have to be the full amount, but any amount you could contribute would help defray the costs for the rest of the girls.' Uhm...it's not my fault you planned a party you couldn't afford.

Rebl90

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The biggest trend in bachelorette parties that annoys me is the invoicing -- being told (either as a BM or just as a guest) what your 'share' of the event is and then being made to feel guilty if you can't/won't participate. I had one friend whose MOH/sister asked me, after I declined, 'Is it for financial reasons?' (It was, but I didn't think that was any of her business). I said, 'I'm just unable to attend.' She followed up with, 'Well, if it's not financial, you could still contribute to the weekend if you wanted to! It wouldn't have to be the full amount, but any amount you could contribute would help defray the costs for the rest of the girls.' Uhm...it's not my fault you planned a party you couldn't afford.

Oh my goodness, what a joke! This sense of entitlement is getting to me.  They just decided that they wouldn't go too far out of town because of the pregnant ladies, but they still planned an overnight at a very pricey hotel on the coast and can't seem to understand why the majority of us are refusing to stay the night. The bride has already referred to her wedding as a "show" before (as in, 'the show must go on!') and I'm realizing more and more how much of a show this is!

MobKaz

At some point in time, humility died.  In its place, bigger/better/costlier swelled to become the norm. Society has decided to valuate everything, including relationships.  Friendships, particularly during engagements/weddings, are now determined by how much a person is willing to spend, both in terms of personal time and money.  It has become obscene.

Rebl90

mobkaz said:

At some point in time, humility died.  In its place, bigger/better/costlier swelled to become the norm. Society has decided to valuate everything, including relationships.  Friendships, particularly during engagements/weddings, are now determined by how much a person is willing to spend, both in terms of personal time and money.  It has become obscene.

Amen

Cookie Pusher

Gosh, I feel like I'm missing out on treating my friends/family like ATMs by dropping hints to my sisters (my BMs) that I wasn't interested in having any pre-wedding parties. I already had a feeling neither of them would throw anything for me since neither one has any discretionary income, but the looks of relief on their faces when I mentioned something about FSIL's shower and bachelorette being ridiculous and unnecessary made it clear that my sisters were of the same mind I was - why make our friends/family spend even more money for our wedding than they have to?

ETA: Yep. I told them that. Not as a slight to anyone, but instead as encouragement to someone else. Because I really think showers and bachelorettes in general are ridiculous and unnecessary.

Rebl90

Cookie Pusher said:

Gosh, I feel like I'm missing out on treating my friends/family like ATMs by dropping hints to my sisters (my BMs) that I wasn't interested in having any pre-wedding parties. I already had a feeling neither of them would throw anything for me since neither one has any discretionary income, but the looks of relief on their faces when I mentioned something about FSIL's shower and bachelorette being ridiculous and unnecessary made it clear that my sisters were of the same mind I was - why make our friends/family spend even more money for our wedding than they have to?

Well get on it! Use those brideslaves to your advantage! Their worlds should revolve around YOU because it's YOUR DAY!

ashleyep

NYCBruin said:

Weekend bachelorettes don't bother me so much as they are pretty common in my circle.  Given that my group of friends is scattered throughout the country, getting together inevitably involves travel.  Celebrating a bride is really just an excuse to see each other.

That said, I don't understand why someone would plan a bach party that many of their friends wouldn't be able to attend.  Isn't the whole point to have a fun day/night/weekend with your closest friends?!  I can't think of any activity/party I would prefer to having all my friends there.  Sure, spa days are nice, but I'd much prefer a casual night with a homecooked meal, two buck chuck and chick flicks if it meant everyone could be there.

Most of the ones I've been to are the same way. It's not really a big deal to me. Though if the bride is local, and all of her friends are local, then planning an OOT party is dumb.

I will say that my bachelorette party is going to be a cabin rental in New Hampshire (a 2 hour drive) and we'll spend Saturday tubing down a river with a floating cooler. The rest of the time we'll be hanging out in the cabin. I mentioned to my sister a long time ago that I thought that would be a fun thing to do, but I've also repeatedly mentioned that I don't really care what we do as long as everyone can make it. I might be buying the plane ticket for my OOT bridesmaid to fly up and attend my own bachelorette party!