Tell me the truth

wandajune6

I've told my bridesmaids to wear black dresses all of similar lengths (i.e. all long or all short), wear their hair and makeup however they want, and wear whatever shoes they want. I just want everyone to feel beautiful and be comfortable.

It's not that I don't care how they look, I just hate the idea of making people (some who have no spare $) feel like they have to make sacrifices to be in the wedding. Plus, they all have very different body types, tastes, and budgets.

I figured that I'd get them all matching wraps and jewelry (don't worry- not as BM gifts) to tie it all together and keep them warm.

So my question is this: is this approach the cluster that people keep telling me it will be? It's a dressy wedding but laid back. Plus, the only thing I've gotten obsessive about seems to be centerpieces (never saw that coming!) and etiquette (not surprised at all).

Tell me the truth: am I too laid back on attire? Does it matter more than I think?

kmmssg

You are good.  My nephew's wife did this exact thing for their wedding and it looked quite lovely.  Ignore the naysayers.

wandajune6

Thank you!

I'm trying very hard to not get bridezilla-y. I remember getting so annoyed at my sister over her wedding 5 years ago. She was so caught up in getting her wedding perfect that it sometimes felt like she forgot that other people have differing priorities. I love my friends, family, and future SILs so I want to be careful not to cause any hard feelings.

HisGirlFriday13

The only suggest I would make is to be flexible on the lengths -- like if on BM wants to wear an above-the-knee dress and the others want to wear a mid-calf-length dress, let them have that distinction. Not everyone is comfortable showing the same amount of leg.

Otherwise, I think you're being awesome!

wandajune6

@HisGirlFriday13- I'm very flexible. Basically, I was looking at it as ankle length or not ankle length. They'll probably go for something around the knee but it's ultimately up to them. Really, I just didn't want half in maxi dresses and half in short. Though I won't be distraught if that ends up happening.

HisGirlFriday13

wandajune6 said:

@HisGirlFriday13- I'm very flexible. Basically, I was looking at it as ankle length or not ankle length. They'll probably go for something around the knee but it's ultimately up to them. Really, I just didn't want half in maxi dresses and half in short. Though I won't be distraught if that ends up happening.

Oh, that makes sense. That'll look really pretty!

AddieCake

The people who are telling you that it will be a clusterfuck just have never seen it before, so they are thinking ZOMG THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!

misscoffeeplease

I think you are great for being laid back about it. I am the same way too with my bridesmaids. They just kept asking what I wanted and all I wanted was for them to wear the same color dress and shoes. To be comfortable and not to worry about anything.

wandajune6

Thanks, @AddieL23. You're probably spot on!

@MrsLynn- I'm finding the same thing! It's funny- all of the married BMs think I'm going to change my mind or regret not having matching everything. But I also know that the BM who will have just given birth to her second set of twins, the 23 year old SIL, and the model are all going to have very different tastes, dresses that work, and shoes that are comfortable.

AddieCake

I say that because when one of my cousins got married, she asked her sister to be MOH and told her just to get a pink dress. Any pink dress. Any shade. We were both like WTF? This was years ago, and we had never heard of non-matching bridesmaids, so we were most definitely going ZOMG THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT! We thought she was nuts.

wandajune6

That's nice!

My sister made the same offer but we all ended up in the same dress. I think she really wanted that though.

grumbledore

I think it's fine. In fact, I tried to do this and one of my BMs instead insists that we go together and pick something out. Ay ay ay.

wandajune6

@grumbledore- we're doing the same thing. I introduced the BMs 2 weeks ago and they decided to go to David's as a group. I did the scheduling and am going along but this is entirely their call. The BM who is out of town asked me to let her know what the other girls are wearing and will probably try to match too. Though they've all acknowledged that they may not get dresses there.

MobKaz

My daughter did this. The girls chose a black dress. For the most part, the fabric was the same save for the dress of one girl. I believe all had their hair done, but some wore it up and others wore it down. They wore jewelry of their own choosing. They looked amazing because they came as "who they are" as women.. The pictures look beautiful. You will not regret this choice.

MandyMost

You may have to help facilitate the vote on the dress length, unless one of the girls wants to step up and take charge. Also, you may have to provide a little more guidance to some of the girls. Some people can't handle "just pick a black dress". You could either go shopping with them, or provide them with some examples of dresses you're thinking of. 

wandajune6

That's a good call. They voted as a group on shorter dresses. They made the decision in the same breath as deciding to go to David's together. One friend is stressing about the dress (she's out of town) so she's waiting until the others get their dresses- she saw a bunch online that she likes and thinks she might just buy 1 of whatever the other girls don't pick. I've also offered to go shopping with anyone who wants me to.

thisismynickname2

grumbledore said:

I think it's fine. In fact, I tried to do this and one of my BMs instead insists that we go together and pick something out. Ay ay ay.

OP, I have the exact same edict for my bridal party and am getting the same reaction that Grumbledore is getting. 

You have ONE JOB! Get a dress that makes you happy! Ay ay ay!!

The only nervousness I have is that I have in my mind an image of "wedding appropriate" attire that I thought all my 'maids would share as well all have the same general sense of style.  I think "wedding appropriate" is a fit-and-flare kind of dress, and I sent them several examples from White House Black Market. One of the 'maids asked if she could go with a slimmer style (which WHBM also offers).  But, there is a huge difference between a straight style that hangs straight off your hips, and butt-hugging. I do not want butt-hugging, and I made it perfectly clear in my original announcement that looking like you're going to da'club is not appropriate. 

Long story short, I'm going shopping with them after all. Sigh. 

wandajune6

@thisismynickname- it's funny, I was a little bit worried about that happening with one BM (she has worked on/off in the "adult entertainment" world) but she's so nervous about being inappropriate that she's taking the lead from everyone else. She'd happily wear a burka just to be sure she didn't screw up!

I was thinking about the same as you were about what's appropriate. I was hoping for simple dresses without a lot of shiny stuff or flounces. I've been slightly surprised by some of the ideas that have been shared but I'm overall not worried.

I did make 2 other requests that I forgot to mention: don't shock my 93 year old grandparents and don't look better than me!

jessiray

@wandajune6, you sound wonderful, and your girls are going to look wonderful! I went with a bunch of my BMs with the thought that we'd choose like 4 different dress styles or something, and then they could go from there bc they all have such different body types. Well, they all decided on the same dress. And then they were talking about matching shoes. They asked my opinion, and I told them that they were crazy. There is zero need for matching shoes. I think they're more worried about how everything will look than I am. They're all going to look fantastic, and in the end, it's not like a choice of shoe is going to make my FI and I any less married

dolewhipper

MandyMost said:

You may have to help facilitate the vote on the dress length, unless one of the girls wants to step up and take charge. Also, you may have to provide a little more guidance to some of the girls. Some people can't handle "just pick a black dress". You could either go shopping with them, or provide them with some examples of dresses you're thinking of. 

This is what's happening with my girls. So I'm going online and finding a bunch of dresses in their price budget and pinning them to get the idea. I told one of them she can choose one of them or one she finds that's similar. They just can't wrap their heads around the fact that I want them to be happy just as much, if not more, in the dress they're wearing than I.

grumbledore

thisismynickname said:

grumbledore said:

I think it's fine. In fact, I tried to do this and one of my BMs instead insists that we go together and pick something out. Ay ay ay.

OP, I have the exact same edict for my bridal party and am getting the same reaction that Grumbledore is getting. 

You have ONE JOB! Get a dress that makes you happy! Ay ay ay!!

The only nervousness I have is that I have in my mind an image of "wedding appropriate" attire that I thought all my 'maids would share as well all have the same general sense of style.  I think "wedding appropriate" is a fit-and-flare kind of dress, and I sent them several examples from White House Black Market. One of the 'maids asked if she could go with a slimmer style (which WHBM also offers).  But, there is a huge difference between a straight style that hangs straight off your hips, and butt-hugging. I do not want butt-hugging, and I made it perfectly clear in my original announcement that looking like you're going to da'club is not appropriate. 

Long story short, I'm going shopping with them after all. Sigh. 

This is kind of what happened - my BM says, "well, I know what I like, but what if YOU don't like it?" She just did not understand that as long as she's happy, I'm happy. She didn't believe me. I think since you are being specific about certain things, it makes sense to shop together.

Lizzieyounce

All that I asked my ladies was to select a black, floor or ankle length gown that wasn't strapless. Everyone picked something that they felt (and looked) beautiful in. They looked fantastic and I think that we made quite the elegant party!

Cookie Pusher

I've attended 2 weddings where the BMs wore black dresses of their own choosing. Both weddings were lovely. I honestly didn't even notice that the BMs dresses were different from each other until about halfway through the ceremony when they were all standing next to each other - I was way more focused on being so excited for my friends to get married.

wandajune6

@LizzieYounce- they all look lovely! Thanks for sharing!

@Cookie Pusher- thanks for confirming my suspicion!

climbingsingle

You're good! More brides should be as laid back as this, IMO. I'm doing the same with my MOH. She can wear whatever she wants.

nahgem17

I am doing the exact same thing! Except I only have 2 people standing up with me so it does make it a tiny bit easier. I do think it has the potential to be a "cluster" depending on the personalities of the bridesmaids, but as long as they are as laid back as you are I can't imagine that it would be a big problem.

happymellow

Yeah, I picked a color and told my 3 Bridesmaids to go and pick whatever they wanted.  My two sisters actually picked the same dress, so my MOH said she'd get that one, too, so they could all match.  Then, they wanted a shrug.  I told them they didn't have to match, but again, they wanted to.  I think some people do need a little more structure with what to get, and a little more guidance.  I thought I was being laid back and it would be fun for them to choose whatever they wanted and would be most comfortable in.  I think it just confused them.

pinkshorts27

I'm telling my girls the same thing, long and blue with examples of the blues that I like. I've talked it over with my moh who sorry of panicked about that, so I said if it made her feel more comfortable to text me a picture and I can okay it. I have full plans to okay anything as long as it meets the modesty requirements if my venue (straps, no nipple)

doeydo

It's completely fine for bridesmaids to be in non-matching dresses.

Here are some BMs in long black dresses:

Short ones:

abbyj700

All my ladies get to pick their favorite little black dress as well. (And for my sister that means black pants, a dress shirt, a vest and tie. She knows I love her and just want her to be happy and comfortable. She was forced to wear a dress at my brothers wedding and it caused quite a stir in our family.)

No one seems to just want to buy on their own - so I figure eh, great reason to have a girls shopping day again and me take everyone out to lunch. I do feel everyone on here saying "just buy a dress, I made it easy" - but as others pointed out sometimes I guess that doesn't make some people comfortable.

shaylagirl

My MOH and my BM were told go pick a dress that makes YOU happy in either matchy-matchy-to-my-bridal-gown purple, or in silver.

My MOH found a beautiful short dress in purple at Ross for about $15, and my BM wore a long gown in silver she found at Dillard's for about $60.  No alterations needed for either.

They both looked awesome and were happy with their dresses.  Which is what mattered most to me.