Pros and Cons of Name Changing

clueclaw.defunct635777689035314155

phira I understand what you are saying. That makes sense. I guess I just didn't see it that way, because I have not felt pressured. 

I didn't see it as women being pressured. I saw it as everyone is stuck in a rut and doing the same old tradition, because we all got use to it. 

I support any women who bucks the tradition if they are feeling pressured to do it. I think peoples attitudes behind their actions bother me more than the action themselves. My FI wouldn't mind if I kept my name, so I am doing it because I want to. However, if he demanded me to change, I would not do it because of his attitude. Of course, if he was like that, I wouldn't be with him. 

I am all for women's issues, but I think there are feminist who are taking some things too far. I guess my comment was just a knee jerk reaction, because I felt like some women would judge me for "giving up myself" cause I am taking FI's name. 

clueclaw.defunct635777689035314155

I have a hard time with this issues, and some other women issues, because it feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't.

clueclaw.defunct635777689035314155

mysticl said:

If you don't change your name definitely have a conversation about what you will name the kids. Hyphenating kid's names can be a huge pain.  I used to work at an after school program and several of the kids had hyphenated names.  The first name tended to be the mother's and the second the father's.  I would see the first part get dropped all the time.  So Billy Smith-Jones would end up being called Billy Jones.  When parents picked up their kids they had to sign them out.  They were listed by alphabetical order in the sign out book (each kid had their own page).  Going back to my example Billy Smith-Jones would be filed under "S" since his last name started with "S".  The child's own parents (especially Mr. Jones) would look for the child under "J" and would want to know why he was filed under "S".  Um, because you gave your child the name Smith-Jones so the first letter of his last name is "S".  I also wonder what would happen if one these kids married another hyphenated name.  Would the next generation be White-Brown-Smith-Jones?  

I think if hyphenating last names became the norm, we should adopt what Mexico does. They take a name from each parent. So if Billy Smith-Jones marred Sally White-Brown, their child would be Timmy Smith-White. 

phira

I'm not sure how not taking a spouse's last name is taking anything too far. I don't think you should be judged for making the decision you've made because it's absolutely your decision. I'm just unhappy that we live in a culture where it's ostensibly a choice, but women are constantly pressured in tiny ways to follow tradition.

You ARE right that it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. I've been very miserable about it, honestly, because I feel "marked" either way. If I take his last name, I feel marked as a failure as a feminist for contributing to a patriarchal tradition. If I don't take his last name, I feel marked as a contrary feminist, who's only keeping her name to prove a point. Or something. I just wish that it were normal for people of all sorts to keep or change their names, so I wouldn't feel like I was sticking out like a sore thumb.

clueclaw.defunct635777689035314155

I didn't mean the not taking a spouse's name is too far. I meant what you are saying that you are "marked" either way. I meant it was too far in that feminist would judge me for taking FI's name, not the act of taking or not taking his name.

Feminist fought so women had the CHOICE, not that you followed their choice. Getting mad at you for not agreeing with them is too far.

phira

No one is getting mad at you for the choice you made. You admitted not understanding why some women felt like their name change was an identity change, so I elaborated.

The whole "marked" concept is a sociological one. It doesn't mean that there's a coven of card-carrying feminists who judge every woman who marries a guy and changes her last name. It means that women who marry men, as a group, often feel like (as you said!) damned if you do, damned if you don't about the entire decision.

It's one of the reasons why Ms is being pushed as a default title for women--to unmark women (who are usually marked, through titles, with their marital status). One of the problems that's popped up from that is that a lot of women don't WANT to be called Ms, and feel like it marks them as uppity feminists (if they're unmarried) or man-hating feminists (if they're married).

I'm not saying, "Here's how you should feel about changing your last name," or, "I am judging you because you are now marked as a failure to feminism." I'm trying to provide insight into why it's such a minefield for so many women, since you yourself said you didn't understand why so many women felt a particular way about it.

There's a lot of great stuff online about being marked, especially with regards to names, titles, and attire, and it makes for an interesting read.

(I should note--I have a degree in women's studies, so I tend to go waaaay overboard in these discussions because I go, "Hey! I can use my degree! Hooray!")

Cookie Pusher

Not taking FI's name. Partly because it doesn't sound that great with my first name, partly because of my career, and mostly because I prefer to keep my 2-letter last name with my 8-letter first name rather than change it to a 7-letter last name with my 8-letter first name. Laziness, I haz it!

clueclaw.defunct635777689035314155

I apparently am not explaining myself clearly. I am sorry if I made it seem like I thought you or other people here were mad at me for my choice. I absolutely do not.

I agree with and understand everything you are saying about the minefield. I was meaning to say that it is a complicated situation in general. I meant in general some feminist take things to far and for them to be mad at any woman for her choice to take her spouse's name is an example of that. I believe there are women who do that, again no one here, and I was reacting to that general mentality.

There are feminist who get mad, because a woman choses to be a homemaker. I think there are feminist who get mad at women who they feel didn't make the "right choice". I meant everything I said in a general observation I have notice. Again, I didn't mean anyone here specifically, but it is that general attack that makes me a little defensive about my choice.

Hence, me saying the damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I am probably still not explaining myself well. I am not sure why this has me tripped up. The bottom line is, I agree with what you are saying, and I never meant to accuse you of being mad at me in any way. 

mrs4everhart

I'm changing mine. I've never in my life had a surname that will be pronounced correctly 100% of the time on the first try. And although I think my first (no middle) and his last sounds a little porn-ish together, it's  still super cute. That all may sound vapid but I have no connection to my maiden name. I am extremely close with my parents but don't feel that not caring about keeping my maiden name negates that, and I also know that no matter what my name is, I'm still me. I'll have had my ex's last name 14 years when I change mine this fall and no matter what I answer to I won't feel differently as a person. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this question, as long as you feel good about what you're doing. If you feel forced or coerced, that's not a good thing. 

fleur1870

I will be taking his last name.  I always assumed I would do that some day when I got married.  We are both Norwegian-American, so I'm happy that I will be changing it to another Norwegian last name (and won't have to change my initials).  His is a bit harder to pronounce, but oh well.

I know my dad is a bit disappointed I'm changing my name because of professional reasons, but it's my decision, not his.  He hasn't exactly expressed this concerned, but I know he also isn't surprised I'm changing it.  I'll always be a [MaidenName] girl even if I'm 90 years old and a [MarriedName] woman!

Oh, one more thing!  I have a friend who got married and added her maiden name as a second middle name.  I might do that, but it seems a bit complicated to me.  I like my middle name too much to replace it, though.

Cookie Pusher

Schatzi13 said:

shannonmaya said:

I'm going to add something that many PPs haven't mentioned: using his credit cards. Where I work, your ID must match the last name on the credit card (prefer the whole name, but at least the last name). If you wanted to use his card for something, and you go by your maiden name, I wouldn't be able to accept it. 

This being said, I'm having a big struggle myself in whether or not to change. I love my FI's family, love the name and how its shorter, easier to say and sounds good with my name, but I loved my father dearly and my whole family. So do what makes you feel good, and if you get an account you both may use, get your own cards

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SKPM said: I'm sorry, but this is ridiculously dumb. So at your place of work, I could walk in and use a credit card belonging to my brother, my father (or my FIL, had I taken H's name), my ex-husband (had I married, taken a guy's name, and then divorced), or any Joe Schmoe with my same last name?

Seriously. In this day and age especially, last names just don't automatically denote marriage. Two people can share a last name without being married just as easily and validly as two people can be married and not share a name.

ETA: And if I were in a same-sex marriage and we shared a common name, would your company let me use my partner's credit card? Or would the company assume we were sisters or cousins? Way, way too many assumptions going on for this to be a legit way of doing business.

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Not only that, is this a legally sound policy? I fully admit to not knowing the intricacies of credit card law, but I thought that only the person whose name is on the card could use it. Authorized users or joint owners can be added directly with the credit card company, and those people receive their own cards for the account.

H and I have joint credit and debit accounts. We each have our own card for the accounts with our own name on it. We'd never even think of using the other's cards because we have our own, and it does not matter at all whether our last names match the other's card. (If we had chosen to do separate finances instead of joint, we simply would not use the other's cards.)

Edited because quote boxes hate me

When I worked in retail, the name on the card and the ID had to match - not just the last name. Otherwise, it does nothing to even pretend to prevent identity theft.

dolewhipper

SKPM said: shannonmaya said: I'm going to add something that many PPs haven't mentioned: using his credit cards. Where I work, your ID must match the last name on the credit card (prefer the whole name, but at least the last name). If you wanted to use his card for something, and you go by your maiden name, I wouldn't be able to accept it. 
This being said, I'm having a big struggle myself in whether or not to change. I love my FI's family, love the name and how its shorter, easier to say and sounds good with my name, but I loved my father dearly and my whole family. So do what makes you feel good, and if you get an account you both may use, get your own cards I'm sorry, but this is ridiculously dumb. So at your place of work, I could walk in and use a credit card belonging to my brother, my father (or my FIL, had I taken H's name), my ex-husband (had I married, taken a guy's name, and then divorced), or any Joe Schmoe with my same last name?
Seriously. In this day and age especially, last names just don't automatically denote marriage. Two people can share a last name without being married just as easily and validly as two people can be married and not share a name.
ETA: And if I were in a same-sex marriage and we shared a common name, would your company let me use my partner's credit card? Or would the company assume we were sisters or cousins? Way, way too many assumptions going on for this to be a legit way of doing business.

*smacks head* should have added "but at least same last name with a PIN number" since we have debit available. And we only will really allow it under extreme circumstances (partner isn't available but we can verify they are together through different means). There are a ton of places I use my credit card and although I put "See ID" (which, if a CC has that where I work it must match exactly), they never ask for it.

*Edited because quote boxes hate me too. 

winnipegwriter

I'm keeping my name, even though his name is MUCH easier to pronounce (mine is hardcore Ukrainian). My name is part of who I am and I felt no need to change it. My fiance said that he doesn't care either way, that it's my name and I can do what I want with it. Personally, I think it's kind of an archaic notion that women are still expected to change their names.

Fran1985

rmueller89 said:

I think changing your name isn't about pro/con. It's about you're _______'s wife. Taking his name shows that you respect him & that you're his. Call me old fashioned, but it was a 'no brainer' for me.

Did anyone else think that was going the opposite direction? I read the first two sentences and thought the next one was going to be something like "and I am not ok with that- I am my own person."

selenathegreat

Let me just reassure everybody that life as a hyphenated person isn't that bad...I've never had any problems with my parents having a different name, and the worst that's happened to me is having to leave the hyphen off some stuff like my debit card and some people not knowing how to alphabetize it. I survived somehow. Sure, it's a one-generation solution for some, but I wouldn't throw the idea out only because of worries of how it'll fit on a form.

FiancB

I use FI's card all the time, because his gets cash back. The only time I haven't gotten away with it was at the liquor store. And once in a while websites get confused. Grocery stores, gas stations, etc never check my ID, and most of my grocery runs cost $200+. I know they're supposed to, and eventually we'll get around to adding me as a user, but so far it hasn't been a big deal. And if you do add a user, each person gets their own card and it doesn't matter if they have different names. 

Psych819

You can hyphenate your name without hyphenating the last names of the kids. I plan to hyphenate my name but our children will only have my FI's last name. 

cupcait927

I will be taking FI's last name and hopefully moving my maiden name to my middle name. It's a gigantic pain the ass having the name I do now - it's two first names so I'm constantly getting called by my last name or asked "No, your last name" when I tell them what it is the first time and they think it's first name. I've also know personally at least 6 or 7 other people with the exact same first and last name as me. I'm done! I'm the last generation of my maiden name (I only have one sister and she gave her son his father's last name), which is sad but I will still carry on the name as my middle name and hopefully give one of my children the name as their middle name as well.

For FI, it's important to him that I change my last name. He doesn't ask much and I know he would respect my decision no matter what but I want to respect his desire as well. He has a very well known last name in our town with a ton of family, however they are mostly aunts and have all changed their last name and their children have a different last name than FI. Out of all of his cousins, only one other male cousin has FI's last name and he lives out of state. FI would like to carry on his family name and give his son his name as well. FI is the fifth generation of "John". I also love being a part of his family and can't wait to have the same last name and be known as a "Smith".

ashleyep

Pros of changing: - Appease traditional relatives - Experience a big, tangible change to go along with a more intangible change - Buy cute signs for your yard that say "The Johnsons" or whatever - Share a name with all family members (if applicable. You can do this by other means too.) - By embracing the "default" option (in the US anyway) avoid having to explain your choice to everyone who's nosy Pros of keeping: - Buck tradition and start the slow process of making the choice more normal in our society - Keep professional continuity - Retain what is to many an important part of yourself - Keep your email address (if applicable) - Avoid a bunch of paperwork I'm keeping mine. A big part of the reason (despite the above) is because my mom kept hers and made me realize it was an option, and I want to do the same for my potential kids. And the whole double standard really gets my goat.

------------------------ CANT GET OUT OF THE BOX

This is me! I'm changing my name, but right now I  have first.last and his name is kind of common. So I found a variation that's first.[middleinitial][maideninitial].last but it's clunky and I'm sad to not have that perfect first.last email address anymore.

JCbride2015

I am extremely conflicted about this.  Basically... everything @phira said about damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I love my name.  It's an Anglo-Saxon name, very easy to pronounce, and it's a common noun (as is my first name) so I never even set off spell check.  The only downside is that another spelling is more common when it's used as a name, so sometimes people don't pay attention and spell it wrong.  But in general, the name itself is great.

However, Fi and his family are very traditional and the name is pretty much the only thing he's super pushing for in the wedding/ beginning our marriage.  FFIL looked really crushed when he heard I might not take his name.  However: Fi's last name is really hard to pronounce and spell.  It's Italian, but not a common Italian name-- Fi's family is literally the only family with this name in the entire United States (recent immigrants).  People get absurdly confused about his name.

Another reason I'm thinking about changing, though: I love my dad, but our relationship was generally rocky until a few years ago, and I have no real emotional connection to my birth name except that I'm used to it.  I love and respect FIL's, they are a wonderful family, and I know how much it would mean to them if I changed my name to "officially join the family."

I've been trying to bring Fi around to something like both of us taking the other's name and hyphenating, or choosing some other name that we will both share.  I want our whole family and future children to have the same name.  I just wish we had more socially acceptable options than defaulting to Fi's last name because he's the man.

whitjoy

@jalyndani said: I'm in the camp of using my current last name as a middle name and taking my FI's name. We will both have the distinction of "Doctor" once we're both done with our current educational programs, but I wanted to keep my own last name somehow on my doctorate diploma. My parents have worked their tushes off to help me throughout my education, and I feel that they deserve far more credit than FI's family for my achievement. Plus, the FILs get to see their family name on FI's diploma anyway. Ha. This is me too! Sometimes I think its kinda' harsh, but its so true. I am relieved I finished my PhD before I get married so I didn't have to make this decision.

whitjoy

Sorry for the block text...this website can be glitch

emmaaa

I've always known I would change my last name to my FI's. Every woman in my family did it and, to me, it makes us feel like we will be a fmaily. I will also be dropping my maiden name becasue my initials now are MEG and I go by "E". I don't want four names and "M" is a family name. My FI's mom did the same thing and is First Middle MarriedLast and same with a couple of my aunts.

I am just starting out professionally so it won't be hard to transition to a new name in that area either. Socially, our friends refer to us as the Griffin's when talking about the wedding and stuff.

A huge contributor to changing my name is for kids. We both wants kids once we are married and we like the idea of us all having the same name.

However, I completely understand when people choose not to and respect that. To me it doesn't matter why you wanted or didn't want to changed your name, but just what to call you, haha.

emmaaa

Also, does anyone remember the poster who talked about her and her FI choosing a new last name for both of them? I had never heard of that but thought it was really sweet and fitting for that situation.

rajahmd

This is something DH and I thought long and hard about. I love my name, especially my parents named me after my dad by giving me his initials. I also never saw myself getting married prior to graduating medical school, and I always knew that what ever name I graduate with is the name I keep forever. 

For both of us, we like the idea of having one family name. Since he's the last in his line (only son of an only son) and his family is really into genealogy, he really wants to pass his last name to our kids. I don't want to be the only one left out. But since it's really important to him to pass him name down, him taking my name or us picking a name together wasn't really an option.  

The more we talked about it, the more DH understood what a big decision this was and what it would mean to change my last name. So he offered to take my last name as his middle name.  I'll drop my middle name (we plan to eventually give it to our firstborn) and move my last name to my middle name. So we'll both be His/Her-first-name My-last-name His-last-name. Only his last name will be our last name legally, but at least instead of my name being lost, it's shared, as a middle name. 

DH is also taking this opportunity to change his first name too (the laws in VA aren't clear if it's possible by marriage alone or not, if not he'll do it legally) because he's the third or fourth of his name in a row and he hates it. He's always gone by his middle name, even as a baby, so he's looking forward to being able to use it as his legal name.

muenginerd

I'm changing my name, but then that's something I've always wanted to do.  Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do.

Just remember to be respectful of others who still accidentally call you by your husband's last name if you keep your maiden name instead.  I had a friend who kept her name strictly because she didn't like the way her first name sat with her husband's last name.  We would watch her from time to time go off on strangers if they referred to her by Mrs. "Husband's Last Name".  Like if a hostess referenced her at a dinner reservation she would make it a point to correct the hostess and not always the most polite manner.  She would also go off on friends if a Christmas card was sent and reference a Mrs. "Her first and last name".  She made sure we knew she was a Ms. not a Mrs.  It got kind of out of control.

It's totally ok to do this, just understand some people will have a harder time undestanding this.  Especially in the older generations.

phira

@RajahBFMD My partner is a junior who goes by a nickname, and he identifies VERY strongly with his mother's side of the family. So he's talked about how if he did change his name, he'd either be Nickname Dadslast (so just changing his first name) or Nickname Momslast. But he actually will not change either name: he feels that his dad would be crushed emotionally, and would perceive the situation as my partner rejecting their shared name.

@muenginerd By the same token, it's important to remind people not to assume that married people share a last name. It goes both ways.

EmilyAnn8973

The only real wedding advice my mom has given me is "whatever you do don't hyphenate your last name!" I was planning on changing it anyway but she was very adamant about it. She didn't really give me details she just said that she hyphenated when she married my Dad and it lead to years of confusion. I have two brothers and it seems like at least one of them will have kids at some point so I'm not concerned about keeping our family name alive. I might feel different if that weren't the case.

mysticl

phira said:

No one is getting mad at you for the choice you made. You admitted not understanding why some women felt like their name change was an identity change, so I elaborated.

The whole "marked" concept is a sociological one. It doesn't mean that there's a coven of card-carrying feminists who judge every woman who marries a guy and changes her last name. It means that women who marry men, as a group, often feel like (as you said!) damned if you do, damned if you don't about the entire decision.

It's one of the reasons why Ms is being pushed as a default title for women--to unmark women (who are usually marked, through titles, with their marital status). One of the problems that's popped up from that is that a lot of women don't WANT to be called Ms, and feel like it marks them as uppity feminists (if they're unmarried) or man-hating feminists (if they're married).

I'm not saying, "Here's how you should feel about changing your last name," or, "I am judging you because you are now marked as a failure to feminism." I'm trying to provide insight into why it's such a minefield for so many women, since you yourself said you didn't understand why so many women felt a particular way about it.

There's a lot of great stuff online about being marked, especially with regards to names, titles, and attire, and it makes for an interesting read.

(I should note--I have a degree in women's studies, so I tend to go waaaay overboard in these discussions because I go, "Hey! I can use my degree! Hooray!")

I've also come across a fair number of people who think "Ms." means you're divorced.  

antoto

missax said:

EmilyAnn8973 said:

The only real wedding advice my mom has given me is "whatever you do don't hyphenate your last name!" I was planning on changing it anyway but she was very adamant about it. She didn't really give me details she just said that she hyphenated when she married my Dad and it lead to years of confusion. I have two brothers and it seems like at least one of them will have kids at some point so I'm not concerned about keeping our family name alive. I might feel different if that weren't the case.

I used to fingerprint people for FBI background checks and a lot of people with hyphenated names would have trouble passing. It almost always was their own fault because they were not consistently using their whole hyphenated last name for important documents.

Alrighty!  I am 98% decided on becoming Ms. Mylastname-Hislastname.

I think as long as I am intelligent and stay consistent with writing it out I will be just fine!

His last name is only 3 letters long so it's very easy to do

Thank you everyone for sharing your personal stories!