Pros and Cons of Name Changing

EmilyAnn8973

Yuup, pretty sure my Mom is 100% guilty of that Her last name is still legally hyphenated but I didn't even know that until she told me.

sarahufl

I am changing mine out of tradition and for ease. But it won't be easy for me to part with! I love my last name, it is very unique. Also, my dad had only sisters and my brother had only girls, so our last name will die out for this branch of the family tree. Makes me a bit sad.

I will use it as my middle name.

MoonlightSilver

My husband and I both changed our last names. We are both now legally Mr and Mrs [MyLast] [HisLast]. Or according to the DMV, [MyLast]-[HisLast]. 

The sometimes hyphened, sometimes not hyphened thing messes us up a bit, but it's not a big enough problem that I regret my decision. 

jdluvr06

sarahufl said:

I am changing mine out of tradition and for ease. But it won't be easy for me to part with! I love my last name, it is very unique. Also, my dad had only sisters and my brother had only girls, so our last name will die out for this branch of the family tree. Makes me a bit sad.

I will use it as my middle name.

The name might not die out. Maybe one of you nieces will keep it going. : )

MandyMost

muenginerd said:

I'm changing my name, but then that's something I've always wanted to do.  Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do.

Just remember to be respectful of others who still accidentally call you by your husband's last name if you keep your maiden name instead.  I had a friend who kept her name strictly because she didn't like the way her first name sat with her husband's last name.  We would watch her from time to time go off on strangers if they referred to her by Mrs. "Husband's Last Name".  Like if a hostess referenced her at a dinner reservation she would make it a point to correct the hostess and not always the most polite manner.  She would also go off on friends if a Christmas card was sent and reference a Mrs. "Her first and last name".  She made sure we knew she was a Ms. not a Mrs.  It got kind of out of control.

It's totally ok to do this, just understand some people will have a harder time undestanding this.  Especially in the older generations.

It's one thing not to correct a hostess or someone who you see once and never again. In fact, I don't correct people now who assume we're married, and call me Mrs. Hislastname, or him Mr. Mylastname, because it doesn't matter. It's a one-time interaction.

But with friends? Family? People we know who are addressing us? Yes, I will correct them if they assume I changed my name. And I will correct them if they say Mrs. instead of Ms. I don't plan to be mean about it, but I will let them know that my name hasn't changed. That I'm still the same person I've always been, and getting married hasn't changed that or changed my name. 

I assume we'll be very clear in our Thank You notes and then our holiday cards next year to use my correct name, and hope that people get the hint. We're also going to make sure the DJ introduces us correctly at the wedding, and we're never referred to as "Mr. and Mrs.", so hopefully people will pick up on that as well. Already on Facebook some friends have said something about "The future Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname" and we've corrected them publicly that there will be no name changes. 

huskypuppy14

MandyMost said:

muenginerd said:

I'm changing my name, but then that's something I've always wanted to do.  Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do.

Just remember to be respectful of others who still accidentally call you by your husband's last name if you keep your maiden name instead.  I had a friend who kept her name strictly because she didn't like the way her first name sat with her husband's last name.  We would watch her from time to time go off on strangers if they referred to her by Mrs. "Husband's Last Name".  Like if a hostess referenced her at a dinner reservation she would make it a point to correct the hostess and not always the most polite manner.  She would also go off on friends if a Christmas card was sent and reference a Mrs. "Her first and last name".  She made sure we knew she was a Ms. not a Mrs.  It got kind of out of control.

It's totally ok to do this, just understand some people will have a harder time undestanding this.  Especially in the older generations.

It's one thing not to correct a hostess or someone who you see once and never again. In fact, I don't correct people now who assume we're married, and call me Mrs. Hislastname, or him Mr. Mylastname, because it doesn't matter. It's a one-time interaction.

But with friends? Family? People we know who are addressing us? Yes, I will correct them if they assume I changed my name. And I will correct them if they say Mrs. instead of Ms. I don't plan to be mean about it, but I will let them know that my name hasn't changed. That I'm still the same person I've always been, and getting married hasn't changed that or changed my name. 

I assume we'll be very clear in our Thank You notes and then our holiday cards next year to use my correct name, and hope that people get the hint. We're also going to make sure the DJ introduces us correctly at the wedding, and we're never referred to as "Mr. and Mrs.", so hopefully people will pick up on that as well. Already on Facebook some friends have said something about "The future Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname" and we've corrected them publicly that there will be no name changes. 

How are you being introduced? I've been thinking about this, since I'm also keeping my name, and I think we are just going to be introduced with our first names. 

phira

@laurynm84 We're going to be introduced with our first and last names. Most of our guests either know or will assume I'm not changing my last name, and this will be a very clear statement for guests who aren't sure.

sarahufl

jdluvr06 said:

sarahufl said:

I am changing mine out of tradition and for ease. But it won't be easy for me to part with! I love my last name, it is very unique. Also, my dad had only sisters and my brother had only girls, so our last name will die out for this branch of the family tree. Makes me a bit sad.

I will use it as my middle name.

The name might not die out. Maybe one of you nieces will keep it going. : )

lol, DUH. Good point

JellyBean52513

I guess I'm a little late to this thread but, if my two cents is worth anything in this recession....

I've always planned on changing my name, when I was with my ex-FI (we were both going to hypenate, MyLast-HisLast), and now with my SO (I will take his last name, and change my maiden name to my middle name. Any and all kids will have my maiden name as their middle name). I have no desire to maintain my identity as an independent person, because I wouldn't be entering into a marriage if I wanted to remain entirely independent. Sure, I'll still make my own money and whatnot but socially, I WANT to be acknowledged as one half of a social unit and I think a big part of that is having the same "team name." Again, these are just my personal feelings.

This is very much a "to each his own" issue. You have to do what feels right to you. I can't wait to be a "Mrs." Also, I think the whole feminist movement is little hypocritical. Feminism is about men and women having equal rights, but sometimes it feels like "feminism" is an excuse to tell women how they should feel, think, and behave, and as long as it suits the "independent woman" cause. I'm not down with that. I can have just as many rights as my husband while bearing his last name and being his Mrs. 

"You don't liberate women by forcing them to choose option B instead of option A."

JellyBean52513

clueclaw said:

phira I understand what you are saying. That makes sense. I guess I just didn't see it that way, because I have not felt pressured. 

I didn't see it as women being pressured. I saw it as everyone is stuck in a rut and doing the same old tradition, because we all got use to it. 

I support any women who bucks the tradition if they are feeling pressured to do it. I think peoples attitudes behind their actions bother me more than the action themselves. My FI wouldn't mind if I kept my name, so I am doing it because I want to. However, if he demanded me to change, I would not do it because of his attitude. Of course, if he was like that, I wouldn't be with him. 

I am all for women's issues, but I think there are feminist who are taking some things too far. I guess my comment was just a knee jerk reaction, because I felt like some women would judge me for "giving up myself" cause I am taking FI's name. 

To the bolded: that's nice of you, but I don't. Not entirely, anyway. Any person who makes a decision simply to spite the masses is making an immature decision. Seriously, you'd decide what your last name is going to be post-marriage based on how pressured you allow other people to make you feel? That's stupid and impersonal to me. Make your decision based on what you WANT, regardless of how society/tradition feels about it. 

phira

@JellyBean52513 Part of feminist inquiry is parsing out the problems with a particular cultural phenomenon/expectation without criticizing women for making a choice that they are and should be free to make. More specifically, as a feminist, I can 100% respect and have no issues with you changing your last name when you get married, while still finding it troubling that the vast majority of women who marry men do change their last names when they get married and the vast majority of men who marry women do not.

I don't think it's fair to say that feminist as a movement has gone to far when what you really mean is that there are people who identify as feminists who behave un-feministly because they don't think women should have the choice to change their last name, etc. I admit to being pretty sensitive about this kind of thing because I get plenty of shit for identifying as a feminist, and for a very long time, my family and some of my friends pretty explicitly told me I would be single forever unless I stopped being a feminist.

Also, the end of that comic, for people who are interested: 

JellyBean52513

phira said:

@JellyBean52513 Part of feminist inquiry is parsing out the problems with a particular cultural phenomenon/expectation without criticizing women for making a choice that they are and should be free to make. More specifically, as a feminist, I can 100% respect and have no issues with you changing your last name when you get married, while still finding it troubling that the vast majority of women who marry men do change their last names when they get married and the vast majority of men who marry women do not.

I don't think it's fair to say that feminist as a movement has gone to far when what you really mean is that there are people who identify as feminists who behave un-feministly because they don't think women should have the choice to change their last name, etc. I admit to being pretty sensitive about this kind of thing because I get plenty of shit for identifying as a feminist, and for a very long time, my family and some of my friends pretty explicitly told me I would be single forever unless I stopped being a feminist.

Also, the end of that comic, for people who are interested: 

This statement is so confusing to me. Why are you cool with the right to choose and yet troubled by the fact that many women's choices align with history? If it's ultimately their right....and it affects you in no way, shape, or form... why are you troubled by it?

And yes I want the whole pie, and the man I love would hand me a fork and a glass of wine to wash it down (which is why I love him)

huskypuppy14

JellyBean52513 said:

phira said:

@JellyBean52513 Part of feminist inquiry is parsing out the problems with a particular cultural phenomenon/expectation without criticizing women for making a choice that they are and should be free to make. More specifically, as a feminist, I can 100% respect and have no issues with you changing your last name when you get married, while still finding it troubling that the vast majority of women who marry men do change their last names when they get married and the vast majority of men who marry women do not.

I don't think it's fair to say that feminist as a movement has gone to far when what you really mean is that there are people who identify as feminists who behave un-feministly because they don't think women should have the choice to change their last name, etc. I admit to being pretty sensitive about this kind of thing because I get plenty of shit for identifying as a feminist, and for a very long time, my family and some of my friends pretty explicitly told me I would be single forever unless I stopped being a feminist.

Also, the end of that comic, for people who are interested: 

This statement is so confusing to me. Why are you cool with the right to choose and yet troubled by the fact that many women's choices align with history? If it's ultimately their right....and it affects you in no way, shape, or form... why are you troubled by it?

And yes I want the whole pie, and the man I love would hand me a fork and a glass of wine to wash it down (which is why I love him)

 Because if it was truly a free choice, it would be closer to a 50/50 split of keeping name and changing name.  And more men would take their wife's last name.  I think @Phira feels that some women would like to keep their name but they feel pressure from their husbands, in laws, society to change it their husband names.  On this thread and on other forums that I've been on, there are woman that say they wanted to keep their last name but their husband really wanted her to change it. 

ETA: Each woman should have the right to do whatever she wants with her name, but it seems that there is something else at work when the vast majority change it to their husband's.

PhoneCardLady

When FI and I got engaged, the first thing I asked is if his ex kept his last name, and he said no, so that she could get welfare and food stamps.  I was worried that if she had a bad credit rating or had debts up the kazoo that it might get tagged to me; something I don't want or need.  I made sure that I had no debt.

And yes, I will take his name.

starbright2013

My only real advice to think long and hard about what YOU want before reaching a final decision.

I never really thought about whether or not I would change my last name after marriage, but soon after we got engaged I realized that it didn't sit well with me. I brought it up to FI and we discussed it and he told me he didn't care one way or the other what I did. 

It took SEVERAL months of me reading and researching and doing some introspection to identify all the reasons why I wanted to keep my name. I won't go into all that now but here are some highlights/things I've noticed:

• When people find out I'm keeping my last name I typically get responses like "well you're trying to make a mark professionally right?" or "oh well you don't have any brothers, so of course you want to keep the name!" um no, neither of those have ANYTHING to do with my decision, and it actually annoys me when people assume that. Can't I just want to keep my name?
• A lot (read: 8,000) of my nicknames involve my last name, and it really would feel like I was losing part of my identity if I changed my name
• I really like that my last name is connected to my heritage, and taking his last name would indicate that I had HIS heritage, which isn't true, and that feels odd to me
• People have asked how I'll feel having a different last name from our kids, or how I'll feel about hyphenating our kids' last names. We won't be hyphenating, they'll probably get his last name, and I'm okay with that (again, see heritage issues). They won't be any more or less my children if they have the same or a different last name. My sister changed her name when she got married but she's still my sister. 
• The origins of the name taking really are from a time when women were more like property than men and I have a hard time reconciling that. Don't get me wrong, I know that's not how most people see it any more, and I'm a firm believer that everyone should make their own choice - NO criticism intended for people who chose to take their husband's last name. That's just my own personal feeling for it's application in my life. 
• Hyphenating wasn't an option for me. Neither was making my family name into my middle name. 
• Here's the BIG thing - FI and I discussed three options: me taking his name, combining our names, or making a whole new one. Eventually we realized that neither of us was completely happy with any of those things (although he's really hoping I'll agree to changing our name to "Lannister") and that we were both happier keeping our own names...FOR NOW. Maybe that will change down the road, or maybe we'll have kids and I'll completely change my mind about the name situation. Who knows? So we agreed that for now, we're keeping our own names and after the wedding, if we want to re-visit the idea, we can. There's no law that says this has to be decided before you get married. 

So, in conclusion, just don't rush your decision. If you have any nagging feelings one way or the other, listen to them, and try to figure out what they really mean. Good luck!!

l9i

I am changing my last name.  As others have said it is one tradition I like and it's always something I've known I was going to do.  I get that the roots behind changing the name is old fashioned, but it doesn't really bother me.  Additionally, my FI is the only male and he doesn't want to lose his name.  Through in a wrench that it's a very unattractive name, but like I said, it really doesn't bother me.  I did think about moving my maiden name to my middle name but our two last names in that order only makes it worse! ha  All in all I think it's up to you as a personal choice.

JellyBean52513

I'd just like to quote Shakespeare in response to this issue: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Keep your name, change your name, it doesn't change the very core of who you are and that should be what matters.

KeptInStitches

@JellyBean52513, I disagree. My name is bound up with my identity, with the core of who I am. If it didn't, I would be more amenable to changing it.

mbross3

@JellyBean52513 I have to agree with @keptInStitches. A name can be a very, very important thing to someone. You can't just assume that people aren't tied to their name just because you, personally, are not. 

I will keep my name because it is meaningful to me and I have strong ties to my family heritage and my own identity through my name. 

Didgeridoo

I'll be changing my last name to his, and changing my middle name to my maiden name. I'm not terribly attached to my middle name, so this seems like a good way to honor both heritages.

My fiance actually brought up the possibility of keeping my maiden name, but I personally prefer to change it. I'd like all our family members to have the same name.

For those of you keeping their names, more power to you! Just please remember that those of us who choose to change it have many reasons for doing so, not just 'bowing to tradition'. I'm not pressured to do it, and it's my free choice.

Sometimes I think the conversation focuses too much on the woman's choice about keeping/changing names, and not enough on the man's choice. There is a lot of pressure for men to keep their names socially, and the laws make it MUCH more difficult for them to change their names.

iloveotters2014

I guess I just dont understand what's the difference between having your father's name or your husband's name. For the most part you still have a man's name. (I realize not everyone has their father's name....but a lot of people do). So to me I don't think it make you less of a feminist either way.

I do hate the term "maiden" name though.