I think we are postponing the wedding...

mrsbanany

Ladies, I could really use a friend right now.  I am so confused and upset and I don't really know what to think.  This is also probably going to be a long post so I'm sorry in advance.  I have been posting on here a lot so many of you probably already know my back story.  Anyway, I am graduating undergrad in May and my FI is currently in his first year of med school.  We are getting married on April 25, 2015.  

So here is what is going on.  My mom came up to me today and said that she wanted to have a conversation with me tonight about the wedding, when I asked for the condensed version now she said that she thinks we should push the wedding back because it is just not a good time and not at all what I wanted. I think she is right.  I haven't gotten a job yet but I have tons of interviews so I will most likely have a job by graduation which means I will have one year of salary saved before I move out of my parents house.  My FI can't work because of school so I will be the primary financial supporter of the both of us (his parents said they would continue to pay for what they pay for now ex. anything school related, cell phone bill and car insurance until he graduates to help us out).  My mom is concerned that I will be under a lot of stress supporting him because not only will all financial responsibility be on me but he will also not be around much because 3rd year is apparently just insane.  I totally agree with her, I have already felt this stress when it comes to finding a job. I have been more concerned with pay and benefits than I have about what the job actually is and if I will really like it.  I mean we never see each other now (currently going on 3 weeks only seeing his face through a computer screen) so I am not concerned with not seeing him much when we get married because chances are it will be more than we do now.  

The other thing my mom brought up was that this wedding is nothing at all like what I wanted for myself.  I am getting married in a season I never wanted on a day I NEVER would have picked (the day after my birthday).  We did not have much of a choice because with his schedule that is the only weekend that would have worked for 2nd year.  I always pictured a Cape Cod wedding in July but we are doing pretty much the opposite. Part of the reason we want to get married before 3rd year is we want to live together. His mom is VERY religious and is very set against us living together before marriage. She is supporting him completely with tuition for med school and we love her so we want to respect her wishes.  But also, since we don't see each other living together would make things much much easier. Also, I have heard that med school really does just get worse so we wanted to find a time that he wasn't super stressed and busy to plan the wedding.  My mom is suggesting waiting until 4th year or the time after he graduates and before residency.  The only problem with that is we don't know where he will be doing his residency and if it is out of state that would make planning the wedding even harder.  

We already put the deposit down on the reception venue but my mom (who is also paying for the entire wedding) has said she is willing to lose the deposit.  As much as I hate to say it, my mom is probably right.  Postponing the wedding is probably the best idea. She said that she thinks getting married now will be damaging to our relationship because of the financial and emotional stress.  I really don't know what to think and I need advice. If anyone has been with someone through medical school and can give some insight into the 4 years and everything I would be beyond appreciative.  No one in my family has done it and none of my friends so I don't really have anyone to consult on this stuff.  

Senecaf

I don't have much to offer as far as support or experience goes but it sounds as though you know what to do. Postponing a wedding is not the worst thing that could happen. She may be right about the potential damage to the relationship but maybe not.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you do so with a happy heart.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

rajahmd

4th year medical student here.

Honestly, I think you need to stop talking to your mom, and start talking to your FI. Only the two of you can decide what's more important- being together and living together, or having your dream wedding.  Medical school is going to be stressful whether y'all are married or not. And yeah, third year sucks, not gonna lie.  Personally, I'm incredibly grateful my DH and I were living together during 3 year. While we weren't married yet, having him there was a huge support system for me. You need to talk with your FI to find out what he needs and wants from your relationship. I have classmates that married early on, some that are getting married after graduation, and others that lived together (like DH and I) before getting married. The two of you need to figure out what works for you.  If that means sacrificing your dream wedding so that you can support each other emotional and financially during medical school, then your plan is fine as is.  And your FI can always take out student loans if his parents help isn't enough.

As far as your dream wedding goes, what does your FI want? He should have a say in it too.  If you do end up postponing (again, because that's what's best for y'all, not because your mom says so), then it shouldn't automatically become your dream wedding. He deserves to voice his opinion as well. 

I've been in your shoes- we were engaged almost exactly 2 years because we didn't want to get married during 3rd year (got engaged during 2nd year, married during 4th year).  If you need someone who's been there to talk to, feel free to PM me. Medical school can be just as rough on the non-medical member of the relationship as it can on the medical student, just in different ways.

mrsbanany

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

This would have been a good point to mention... he has the same feelings as I do. We haven't talked about it in depth yet just like my mom and I haven't. He knows the same things as I posted on here and has the same questions and uncertainty that my mom and I do. 

We also definitely want to be married before residency and that is why we wanted to do it during 2nd year.  I have heard things only get worse in 3rd year and then 4th year is a bit unpredictable when it comes to residency interviews and such.  Since we want to do it before residency, the only July that would work would be this July (the last summer he has off) and that is just too soon.  Since we are doing it in 2nd year, which is when he takes the USMLE we really only have 1 weekend that would work with the test, lectures, and give us a week for a honeymoon before 3rd year starts. 

rajahmd

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

To the bolded, most med schools start third year in July.  Third year is the first clinical year, so it's working in hospitals and clinics. By federal law, medical students can work up to 80 hours a week, 6 days a week.  It makes for a long year, with very little sleep let alone time to do other things. 

Pretty much all my classmates that got married during third year either had parents/spouses who planned the whole thing and they just showed up, or they regretted the decision later. 2nd year was a popular year to get married, though I think more of us have gotten or will get married during 4th year. 

I know how stressful it is to not know where residency will be. I'm currently waiting to find out on March 21st. Going through the process, I'm glad we're already married. It gives me an added layer of security. When I started medical school, I was single and there was no boyfriend on the horizon. I envisioned going through this process alone, but I'm so glad I have DH. I would have been a stressed out mess if not for him.

SBmini

Given the timeline, budgets, etc... maybe you should consider a simple ceremony now and maybe do a big vow renewal a few years down the road. Can you go to Cape Cod this summer with some close friends and family and tie the knot quickly? 

If you really want to be married so you can live together, perhaps that is what you should focus on opposed to all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a big wedding. Especially if your fiance will be super stressed with school and unable to really enjoy it. 

rajahmd

amandaj424 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

This would have been a good point to mention... he has the same feelings as I do. We haven't talked about it in depth yet just like my mom and I haven't. He knows the same things as I posted on here and has the same questions and uncertainty that my mom and I do. 

We also definitely want to be married before residency and that is why we wanted to do it during 2nd year.  I have heard things only get worse in 3rd year and then 4th year is a bit unpredictable when it comes to residency interviews and such.  Since we want to do it before residency, the only July that would work would be this July (the last summer he has off) and that is just too soon.  Since we are doing it in 2nd year, which is when he takes the USMLE we really only have 1 weekend that would work with the test, lectures, and give us a week for a honeymoon before 3rd year starts. 

Have you considered taking a postponed honeymoon? That might give you more flexibility for dates and give you something to look forward to during third year/fourth year.  DH and I got married in November. Between my rotations and interview season, we haven't been able to go yet. We're leaving the day after Match Day for our honeymoon, and I cannot wait. It gives me something to look forward to while the NICU sucks my soul dry, and I still have something positive in the near future if Match Day doesn't go well. Most med schools have a few weeks off around the holidays- you could take a trip during third year over New Year's and spend your first New Year's as a married couple on your honeymoon.

mrsbanany

SBmini said:

Given the timeline, budgets, etc... maybe you should consider a simple ceremony now and maybe do a big vow renewal a few years down the road. Can you go to Cape Cod this summer with some close friends and family and tie the knot quickly? 

If you really want to be married so you can live together, perhaps that is what you should focus on opposed to all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a big wedding. Especially if your fiance will be super stressed with school and unable to really enjoy it. 

It is not so much the wedding that is the concern.  My mom, and myself, are more concerned with the stress of marriage during med school.  The problem with the wedding comes in for scheduling purposes only.  The problem with this summer would be that I will have only been working for a few months after graduation and that would only make the financial stress worse.  

MobKaz

In addition to all that has been said, 4th year can be very expensive. Depending on the programs your FI is interested in, traveling expenses can add up quickly. My son had to travel to the east coast on three separate occasions for varying interviews. The institutions have no obligation or interest in helping anyone consolidate their interview trips.

rajahmd

amandaj424 said:

SBmini said:

Given the timeline, budgets, etc... maybe you should consider a simple ceremony now and maybe do a big vow renewal a few years down the road. Can you go to Cape Cod this summer with some close friends and family and tie the knot quickly? 

If you really want to be married so you can live together, perhaps that is what you should focus on opposed to all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a big wedding. Especially if your fiance will be super stressed with school and unable to really enjoy it. 

It is not so much the wedding that is the concern.  My mom, and myself, are more concerned with the stress of marriage during med school.  The problem with the wedding comes in for scheduling purposes only.  The problem with this summer would be that I will have only been working for a few months after graduation and that would only make the financial stress worse.  

Why are you assuming your marriage would be stressful? 

Medical school was actually less stressful at times because I had a partner to keep me sane. 

mrsbanany

RajahBMFD said:

amandaj424 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

This would have been a good point to mention... he has the same feelings as I do. We haven't talked about it in depth yet just like my mom and I haven't. He knows the same things as I posted on here and has the same questions and uncertainty that my mom and I do. 

We also definitely want to be married before residency and that is why we wanted to do it during 2nd year.  I have heard things only get worse in 3rd year and then 4th year is a bit unpredictable when it comes to residency interviews and such.  Since we want to do it before residency, the only July that would work would be this July (the last summer he has off) and that is just too soon.  Since we are doing it in 2nd year, which is when he takes the USMLE we really only have 1 weekend that would work with the test, lectures, and give us a week for a honeymoon before 3rd year starts. 

Have you considered taking a postponed honeymoon? That might give you more flexibility for dates and give you something to look forward to during third year/fourth year.  DH and I got married in November. Between my rotations and interview season, we haven't been able to go yet. We're leaving the day after Match Day for our honeymoon, and I cannot wait. It gives me something to look forward to while the NICU sucks my soul dry, and I still have something positive in the near future if Match Day doesn't go well. Most med schools have a few weeks off around the holidays- you could take a trip during third year over New Year's and spend your first New Year's as a married couple on your honeymoon.

Yes, we have considered that but we aren't big fans.  Well really, I am not that big a fan of medical school and the literal soul sucking effect that it has on the both of us but it is life I guess. It seems like our two options are 2nd year with a honeymoon right after or 4th year with a later honeymoon. 

rajahmd

mobkaz said:

In addition to all that has been said, 4th year can be very expensive. Depending on the programs your FI is interested in, traveling expenses can add up quickly. My son had to travel to the east coast on three separate occasions for varying interviews. The institutions have no obligation or interest in helping anyone consolidate their interview trips.

Truth!

I lost count of how much I spent. I had maybe half the programs cover the hotel, but none covered travel. I ended up cancelling two interviews because they weren't worth the 500 dollar airfare.  Luckily, pathology isn't as competitive and doesn't require as many interviews as other specialties.

rajahmd

amandaj424 said:

RajahBMFD said:

amandaj424 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm so sorry. I'm sure this is a very stressful and painful decision.

Something that concerns me, though, is that apparently you and your mother decided to postpone your wedding -- what does your FI think about this? What's his take on it?

I'm not in medical school, and DH isn't a doctor, so I can't answer those questions, but I do know that any kind of schooling is going to be hard on a marriage, whether it's first or second or fourth or residency.

I had a friend whose husband was in med school when they got married, and then started his residency. She said it was hard to plan, but it was more important for them to be married before his residency started than to have the dream wedding or whatever. They did live together before marriage, though. (@RajahBFMD might be able to give better insight into this process than I can.)

I think that you have to make the best decision you can for yourself and your future and your FI, and find out what he wants -- 2015 is still a long ways away, and things could change dramatically between now and then. 

Why is a Cape Cod wedding in July out of the question? Why is that not possible?

This would have been a good point to mention... he has the same feelings as I do. We haven't talked about it in depth yet just like my mom and I haven't. He knows the same things as I posted on here and has the same questions and uncertainty that my mom and I do. 

We also definitely want to be married before residency and that is why we wanted to do it during 2nd year.  I have heard things only get worse in 3rd year and then 4th year is a bit unpredictable when it comes to residency interviews and such.  Since we want to do it before residency, the only July that would work would be this July (the last summer he has off) and that is just too soon.  Since we are doing it in 2nd year, which is when he takes the USMLE we really only have 1 weekend that would work with the test, lectures, and give us a week for a honeymoon before 3rd year starts. 

Have you considered taking a postponed honeymoon? That might give you more flexibility for dates and give you something to look forward to during third year/fourth year.  DH and I got married in November. Between my rotations and interview season, we haven't been able to go yet. We're leaving the day after Match Day for our honeymoon, and I cannot wait. It gives me something to look forward to while the NICU sucks my soul dry, and I still have something positive in the near future if Match Day doesn't go well. Most med schools have a few weeks off around the holidays- you could take a trip during third year over New Year's and spend your first New Year's as a married couple on your honeymoon.

Yes, we have considered that but we aren't big fans.  Well really, I am not that big a fan of medical school and the literal soul sucking effect that it has on the both of us but it is life I guess. It seems like our two options are 2nd year with a honeymoon right after or 4th year with a later honeymoon. 

I know med school is rough, but try to have a more positive outlook on it. The more you focus on the negative feelings, the more overwhelming they become.

Like I said above, feel free to PM me anytime. Vent, advice, whatever. Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone who's been there, done that.

mrsbanany

RajahBMFD said:

amandaj424 said:

SBmini said:

Given the timeline, budgets, etc... maybe you should consider a simple ceremony now and maybe do a big vow renewal a few years down the road. Can you go to Cape Cod this summer with some close friends and family and tie the knot quickly? 

If you really want to be married so you can live together, perhaps that is what you should focus on opposed to all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a big wedding. Especially if your fiance will be super stressed with school and unable to really enjoy it. 

It is not so much the wedding that is the concern.  My mom, and myself, are more concerned with the stress of marriage during med school.  The problem with the wedding comes in for scheduling purposes only.  The problem with this summer would be that I will have only been working for a few months after graduation and that would only make the financial stress worse.  

Why are you assuming your marriage would be stressful? 

Medical school was actually less stressful at times because I had a partner to keep me sane. 

We are assuming financial stress.  We live in Boston which is just laughably expensive and he would have no income.  So it would be just myself supporting him and I mean that is pretty much how it is now, except I live with my parents so I don't pay any bills.  The stress for him probably wouldn't be much more but my fear is that for me it would be just because I am the sole support of the two of us. 

mrsbanany

RajahBMFD said:

mobkaz said:

In addition to all that has been said, 4th year can be very expensive. Depending on the programs your FI is interested in, traveling expenses can add up quickly. My son had to travel to the east coast on three separate occasions for varying interviews. The institutions have no obligation or interest in helping anyone consolidate their interview trips.

Truth!

I lost count of how much I spent. I had maybe half the programs cover the hotel, but none covered travel. I ended up cancelling two interviews because they weren't worth the 500 dollar airfare.  Luckily, pathology isn't as competitive and doesn't require as many interviews as other specialties.

Thankfully, this is one thing that we don't have to worry about.  My FI is looking mainly is Boston and we live here so travel is not bad but his parents have agreed to cover those expenses for the ones outside of Boston since they fall under the "school related" expenses.  

mbross3

Your situation sounds very stressful! I'm sorry you're going through that. 

Do you know what kind of wedding your FI wants? I know you said you think he's on board to postpone, but everything I read in your OP was the kind of wedding that you dreamed about. What about your FI? You're planning a wedding that is for both of you, you may have to compromise on some of what you want. 

I am also a student, although I study law not medicine. BF moved with me when I chose a school, and I can say that having him here with me is incredibly helpful in so many ways. I am concerned when you say that you will cover all the expenses. Does your FI not have any resources of his own? That's a lot to put on you...I would never expect that of BF, although he does tend to pay for dinners out, etc more than I do since I have loans and limited savings and he has a very good job. 

It seems like you'll have to make the decision between two less-than-perfect wedding situations, or moving in together before marriage. I know you said your FI's mom does not approve of living together before marriage, but you are both adults and need to make the decisions that work for your lives, not for your parents. 

rajahmd

amandaj424 said:

RajahBMFD said:

amandaj424 said:

SBmini said:

Given the timeline, budgets, etc... maybe you should consider a simple ceremony now and maybe do a big vow renewal a few years down the road. Can you go to Cape Cod this summer with some close friends and family and tie the knot quickly? 

If you really want to be married so you can live together, perhaps that is what you should focus on opposed to all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a big wedding. Especially if your fiance will be super stressed with school and unable to really enjoy it. 

It is not so much the wedding that is the concern.  My mom, and myself, are more concerned with the stress of marriage during med school.  The problem with the wedding comes in for scheduling purposes only.  The problem with this summer would be that I will have only been working for a few months after graduation and that would only make the financial stress worse.  

Why are you assuming your marriage would be stressful? 

Medical school was actually less stressful at times because I had a partner to keep me sane. 

We are assuming financial stress.  We live in Boston which is just laughably expensive and he would have no income.  So it would be just myself supporting him and I mean that is pretty much how it is now, except I live with my parents so I don't pay any bills.  The stress for him probably wouldn't be much more but my fear is that for me it would be just because I am the sole support of the two of us. 

As I said before, he can always take out student loans if your job doesn't make enough to help.  Trust me, I understand that financial stress, but is that really worth postponing your wedding if you both want to be married sooner rather than later?  Would it be more stressful to spend 3rd year apart?

Cokezerofreak

I'm so sorry you're going through all this stress on whether to postpone the wedding.

The more you post, I honestly don't see the financial stress as the reason for postponing it.  His parents will still be paying for his schooling. Sure, you're not living on your own now but your income, whatever it is, will just enhance what his parents are already paying for or planning to pay for.   It'll be a sacrifice while he goes through his schooling but RajahBMFD has shared how it's less stressful for her knowing her DH is there to support her.  I know everyone's situation is unique but I don't see a problem with what you've shared other than what you've pictured what you want.  It's all want vs. need, IMHO.  Are you sure you're not having some other doubts over all of this and the financial stress is easier to address then something else?

rajahmd

amandaj424 said:

RajahBMFD said:

mobkaz said:

In addition to all that has been said, 4th year can be very expensive. Depending on the programs your FI is interested in, traveling expenses can add up quickly. My son had to travel to the east coast on three separate occasions for varying interviews. The institutions have no obligation or interest in helping anyone consolidate their interview trips.

Truth!

I lost count of how much I spent. I had maybe half the programs cover the hotel, but none covered travel. I ended up cancelling two interviews because they weren't worth the 500 dollar airfare.  Luckily, pathology isn't as competitive and doesn't require as many interviews as other specialties.

Thankfully, this is one thing that we don't have to worry about.  My FI is looking mainly is Boston and we live here so travel is not bad but his parents have agreed to cover those expenses for the ones outside of Boston since they fall under the "school related" expenses.  

Not to be a Negative Nancy, but don't count your chickens before they hatch.  Depending on what specialty he wants to go into, there may not be enough programs in/around Boston to apply to, so he may end up having to apply to a larger area. Also, there's no guarantee he'll get interview offers to the places in Boston. He needs to make the decision when he gets to 4th year of what's more important: staying in Boston, or finding the best program for what he wants to do.  He doesn't need to know that now, but that's something he'll need to consider in the future. So try not to fixate on Boston just yet. 

Just some insight from someone going through the Match process now.

HisGirlFriday13

Ahhh, I did not know the school year began in July. That makes sense.

rajahmd

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ahhh, I did not know the school year began in July. That makes sense.

Yeah, med school schedules are nuts. This is what mine has looked like:

1st year: August 2010 to May 2011

2nd year: July 2011 to May/June 2012 (I included June because that's when I took Step 1 of boards, which required pretty much full time studying for a month to pass)

3rd year: July 2012 to July 2013

4th year: July 2013 to May 2014

HisGirlFriday13

Suddenly I'm really thankful for my history and political science degrees, the hardest part of which required me to pass oral examinations in foreign languages...

But I'm very thankful for all the training med students (of any kind -- a friend of mine is a nursing student, working FT, with two kids, and she's putting in long hours) do.

phira

Bostonian here! I wish it were less expensive to live here.

A lot is going on in your posts, so I'm just going to spitball some thoughts I had while reading.

- I think a lot of folks around here, myself included, either had or will have a wedding that isn't exactly what they always dreamt of. Part of it is that when you're dreaming of a wedding for a long time, lots of your dreams don't work when you actually start to plan a wedding with a second person. Another part of it is that life circumstances change and make certain wedding dreams impossible.

For us, that meant getting married in a month NEITHER of us likes (November, around Thanksgiving, my least favorite holiday), on a Sunday (I wanted a Saturday night wedding). We're getting married in the suburbs when we both dreamt of getting married at the Museum of Science in Boston. In fact, we tried to find a Boston location, or even a Cambridge/Somerville location that met our needs, and we couldn't.

There are also plenty of small details that aren't going to happen. Books with personalized bookmarks as favors? Too expensive and his brother already did that. Walking down the aisle together? He doesn't want to. Candy bar? Full open bar? Both too expensive.

The important thing is to focus on your priorities. Sure, you might be getting married in a month and at a location you never dreamt of. Does that mean you have to postpone your wedding? Not unless the month and location are really that important to you, and honestly ... I'd really question postponing a wedding because you didn't like the month.

- Med school is hard. GRAD school is hard. Being married? Doesn't make it harder. If you two get married and you end up being miserable, it's not going to be because you got married.

- It sounds like your hands are tied with regards to living together, since your future mother-in-law is paying for your fiance's medical school tuition. You two can sit down together (in person or through Skype) and talk about how you plan to handle expenses and finances when you're married. My partner and I discussed finances before we moved in together, and what we're doing now is pretty much how we'll handle finances after the wedding as well.

Most of what you sound worried about are things that marriage will not really affect. Med school is stressful? That's going to be about the same if you're engaged or married (maybe even less if you're married--you aren't planning a wedding!). Moving in together isn't always terrifically hard, but it can be a tough adjustment, especially when you're not used to seeing each other every day, and when one person is going to be supporting the other financially. However, I know plenty of people who lived with a partner or got married during medical school; some people get financial aid during med school to help cover cost of living. My friend did that during vet school (both when she was single and when she was engaged).

- Postponing a wedding isn't the end of the world. Like, it really isn't. It's better than divorce. It's better than going broke. It's definitely a decision that you and your fiance have to make together. However, as I mentioned earlier, please postpone for the RIGHT reasons. "I want to get married on the Cape in July" is very nice, but in my opinion, it's a terrible reason to postpone your wedding.

mrsbanany

mbross3 said:

Your situation sounds very stressful! I'm sorry you're going through that. 

Do you know what kind of wedding your FI wants? I know you said you think he's on board to postpone, but everything I read in your OP was the kind of wedding that you dreamed about. What about your FI? You're planning a wedding that is for both of you, you may have to compromise on some of what you want. 

I am also a student, although I study law not medicine. BF moved with me when I chose a school, and I can say that having him here with me is incredibly helpful in so many ways. I am concerned when you say that you will cover all the expenses. Does your FI not have any resources of his own? That's a lot to put on you...I would never expect that of BF, although he does tend to pay for dinners out, etc more than I do since I have loans and limited savings and he has a very good job. 

It seems like you'll have to make the decision between two less-than-perfect wedding situations, or moving in together before marriage. I know you said your FI's mom does not approve of living together before marriage, but you are both adults and need to make the decisions that work for your lives, not for your parents. 

My FI is pretty much on board with anything and everything as far as the wedding goes.  He doesn't care when or where it happens as long as there is food, alcohol, and cake.  He is definitely involved in the planning but he really does not care about most of the logistics. My FI has some savings but the last thing we want to do is start going into there when he won't be adding anything back to it for a while.  I have a trust but I won't have access to it until I am 25 which is after he starts making money as a resident so that kind of adds to the argument of waiting until 4th year.  

mbross3

amandaj424 said:

mbross3 said:

Your situation sounds very stressful! I'm sorry you're going through that. 

Do you know what kind of wedding your FI wants? I know you said you think he's on board to postpone, but everything I read in your OP was the kind of wedding that you dreamed about. What about your FI? You're planning a wedding that is for both of you, you may have to compromise on some of what you want. 

I am also a student, although I study law not medicine. BF moved with me when I chose a school, and I can say that having him here with me is incredibly helpful in so many ways. I am concerned when you say that you will cover all the expenses. Does your FI not have any resources of his own? That's a lot to put on you...I would never expect that of BF, although he does tend to pay for dinners out, etc more than I do since I have loans and limited savings and he has a very good job. 

It seems like you'll have to make the decision between two less-than-perfect wedding situations, or moving in together before marriage. I know you said your FI's mom does not approve of living together before marriage, but you are both adults and need to make the decisions that work for your lives, not for your parents. 

My FI is pretty much on board with anything and everything as far as the wedding goes.  He doesn't care when or where it happens as long as there is food, alcohol, and cake.  He is definitely involved in the planning but he really does not care about most of the logistics. My FI has some savings but the last thing we want to do is start going into there when he won't be adding anything back to it for a while.  I have a trust but I won't have access to it until I am 25 which is after he starts making money as a resident so that kind of adds to the argument of waiting until 4th year.  

In that case, I think you both just have to decide which is more important to you: getting married sooner v. having the wedding you both want. Both of these choices are completely understandable and valid. You should just have an honest conversation together about what your priorities are and what makes the most sense for you as a couple. 

AddieCake

I'm sorry for all the stress you are under. Vibes that what is best for you is how it will all go!

FiancB

I'm not med but I'm nursing. I'm not going to pretend that's anywhere near as hard as med, though it is harder than your average major. I'm getting married this summer.

My thought is this: I am not having my dream wedding, and that's okay. There are things I would add on or do differently if there was time and money on my side, but it is not worth postponing to me. I am more interested in being married to FI than I am in a dream wedding. I wouldn't want to go through nursing school unmarried to him. 

We actually just did a last minute re-plan. We got engaged last August and were going to do it in my hometown but decided to change, so a 10 month engagement was suddenly more like a 4 month one. And we are pulling it off- we went to a bridal show last weekend and managed to find a photographer and DJ there, picked a venue the day before, etc. It's almost easier than having a long engagement and agonizing over a million choices- now we're moving fast and know that when something is available we need to jump on it. 

So if I were you... I'd be tempted to just get married this August. It's doable. I have another friend that had a very short engagement because of work schedules and distance and parents not wanting them to live together. You might have to make a few sacrifices here and there but to me it would be more appealing than postponing, or having a spring wedding somewhere that I'm not excited about. 

BUT that's just me. I'm pretty darn eager to get hitched and would get married in a courthouse if it came to that. Others are more attached to having a wedding a certain way and that's okay too. 

hikebikebemerry

When I was working in health care, a lot of the residents and med students continued on with their lives while in school, and they seemed to be happier for it.

FWIW, a good friend of mine has loved having her H as emotional support during med school.

You're in a really tough position, and my heart goes out to you.  Talk to your FI about what would work best for you both.  Heck- being married while he is going through his 3rd year could strengthen your marriage, so think about how things could go well in addition to how they could be difficult.

jenna8984

I agree with everyone that the "vision" and month of your wedding really shouldn't be that important.

But I can understand your stress about financially supporting him. You & I have chatted before so you know I also live in the area and I agree with you, I could not pay rent and living expenses without a contributing roommate/ partner. It's just not really possible in the Massachusetts area, especially Boston. So I have two suggestions that are a little outside of the box but I have seen them done by friends.

1. You 2 share an apartment with a roommate or another couple. It's not ideal but obviously some sacrifices have to be made just until he's out of school and can help contribute financially.

2. You 2 live together at your parents house or his parents house. Again, not ideal but if it allows you both to focus on your school, career, and marriage then it may be worth it for only 2-3 years. Many couples I know have lived together at their parent's house while saving for a down payment, it's smart really.

If you postone, it really isn't a big deal if you know you're going to be together forever. You are young with a lot on your plates right now and there's nothing wrong with that and doesn't mean you love each other any less.

 

 

JaniV123

I know there is not much time for vacation but a lot of people plan their 4rth year rotation as for to have some time off or to get a small break between 3rd and 4th year. That may be an option for you guys if he is willing top lan his sched accordingly. I also suggest really talking in depth about this and what would be the best choice for the both of you and your marriage/life together. I will be starting medical school in august but feel free to pm me anytime for anything. I will be getting married summer after first year so that it is most comfortable for me. It may not be ideal but if getting married as for to live together is essential why not get married this summer and do a vow renewal next year after you have settled into your job?