I do NOT want kids at my wedding!!! Why isn't that okay?!

PeterPorter

I do NOT want kids at my wedding. I just went to a wedding where I was sitting in the 5th row and there were children being so loud (happy kids/babies and non happy kids/babies) being so loud that I couldn't even hear what the heck was going on! AND THEY WERE SITTING IN THE BACK! How rude. Why didn't the parents get up and leave the room when their kid was being loud!? It was so distracting I couldn't even concentrate. So why the heck would I want that at my wedding!? Yeah, I'll be focused on my groom but I want everyone focused on us and not some baby freaking out or being loud. I told my sister I only want to kids who are IN the wedding to be there and she said no absolutely not. It's rude to invite those kids but not let my guests bring theirs. So she said I could have a "cry room" where the parents can go if their kids are being loud. Okay… but what if they don't go and use the cry room? Then what? Do I have someone in charge of loud kids and tell the parent they need to go to the cry room? I can't say "no kids" on my invite or whatever, I get that. And finding a sitter can be hard, and then they'll had to leave early. But wouldn't you want to leave your kid at home if they're not family? That way you can just enjoy yourself? I'd think so.. So I can't say no kids.. I get that. Even though I don't fully agree with it.. so then what's the alternative??? 

Update:

My wedding shouldn't be a teaching moment for kids to learn how to control themselves and any parents that sees that as such, should probably just wait outside. Why ruin it for everyone else because you're so selfish that you couldn't shut your kid up for 15 minutes for someones most important day?! So annoying. I'm about ready to not let any kid who's not immediate family come. That means no cousins children, no nothing. Unless you're my niece, nephew, or are in the wedding then stay home and figure it out. If you can't find a sitter, don't want to come without your kids, then I guess you don't want to go that bad, and that's fine. If you "can't find a sitter"…. well have fun staying at home for the next 18 years if that's the case. I highly doubt you can't find a sitter especially given 2-3 months notice...

Mitch617

It is perfectly ok not to have kids. You just can't say "no kids" on the invite. List the names of the adults invited. And you don't need a flower girl or ring bearer at all if you want 0 kids there.

AprilH81

laurenlaplante said:

I do NOT want kids at my wedding. I just went to a wedding where I was sitting in the 5th row and there were children being so loud (happy kids/babies and non happy kids/babies) being so loud that I couldn't even hear what the heck was going on! AND THEY WERE SITTING IN THE BACK! How rude. Why didn't the parents get up and leave the room when their kid was being loud!? It was so distracting I couldn't even concentrate. So why the heck would I want that at my wedding!? Yeah, I'll be focused on my groom but I want everyone focused on us and not some baby freaking out or being loud. I told my sister I only want to kids who are IN the wedding to be there and she said no absolutely not. It's rude to invite those kids but not let my guests bring theirs. So she said I could have a "cry room" where the parents can go if their kids are being loud. Okay… but what if they don't go and use the cry room? Then what? Do I have someone in charge of loud kids and tell the parent they need to go to the cry room? I can't say "no kids" on my invite or whatever, I get that. And finding a sitter can be hard, and then they'll had to leave early. But wouldn't you want to leave your kid at home if they're not family? That way you can just enjoy yourself? I'd think so.. So I can't say no kids.. I get that. Even though I don't fully agree with it.. so then what's the alternative??? 

Take a DEEP breath...

Your sister is wrong.  It is perfectly okay to only invite certain kids (bridal party) or limited kids.  You can't put "adults only" on the invites, but having a  kid-free (or nearly so) wedding is okay.

Mitch617

Also I've never heard of a cry room and would not do that. If you do wind up inviting kids, hopefully parents can figure out there own way to duck out and quiet the kids down somewhere like a bathroom or outside,

MobKaz

laurenlaplante said:

I do NOT want kids at my wedding. I just went to a wedding where I was sitting in the 5th row and there were children being so loud (happy kids/babies and non happy kids/babies) being so loud that I couldn't even hear what the heck was going on! AND THEY WERE SITTING IN THE BACK! How rude. Why didn't the parents get up and leave the room when their kid was being loud!? It was so distracting I couldn't even concentrate. So why the heck would I want that at my wedding!? Yeah, I'll be focused on my groom but I want everyone focused on us and not some baby freaking out or being loud. I told my sister I only want to kids who are IN the wedding to be there and she said no absolutely not. It's rude to invite those kids but not let my guests bring theirs. So she said I could have a "cry room" where the parents can go if their kids are being loud. Okay… but what if they don't go and use the cry room? Then what? Do I have someone in charge of loud kids and tell the parent they need to go to the cry room? I can't say "no kids" on my invite or whatever, I get that. And finding a sitter can be hard, and then they'll had to leave early. But wouldn't you want to leave your kid at home if they're not family? That way you can just enjoy yourself? I'd think so.. So I can't say no kids.. I get that. Even though I don't fully agree with it.. so then what's the alternative??? 

Your sister is mistaken.  You can absolutely limit kids to your wedding party.  If you have children in your wedding party, however, they must be included at the reception as well.

Mitch617

Yes totally fine to have wedding party kids only. But it sounds like you are so anti having kids that having 0 might be better. You sound like the way I feel about loud kids on planes when the parents do nothing about it!

mysticl

laurenlaplante said:

I do NOT want kids at my wedding. I just went to a wedding where I was sitting in the 5th row and there were children being so loud (happy kids/babies and non happy kids/babies) being so loud that I couldn't even hear what the heck was going on! AND THEY WERE SITTING IN THE BACK! How rude. Why didn't the parents get up and leave the room when their kid was being loud!? It was so distracting I couldn't even concentrate. So why the heck would I want that at my wedding!? Yeah, I'll be focused on my groom but I want everyone focused on us and not some baby freaking out or being loud. I told my sister I only want to kids who are IN the wedding to be there and she said no absolutely not. It's rude to invite those kids but not let my guests bring theirs. So she said I could have a "cry room" where the parents can go if their kids are being loud. Okay… but what if they don't go and use the cry room? Then what? Do I have someone in charge of loud kids and tell the parent they need to go to the cry room? I can't say "no kids" on my invite or whatever, I get that. And finding a sitter can be hard, and then they'll had to leave early. But wouldn't you want to leave your kid at home if they're not family? That way you can just enjoy yourself? I'd think so.. So I can't say no kids.. I get that. Even though I don't fully agree with it.. so then what's the alternative??? 

No I wouldn't.  I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself with my child present.  Of course you can opt not to invite children just understand that some people may chose not to attend.  In my case if my child is not invited I cannot attend because of child care issues.  

banana468

It's fine to limit kids to those in the WP. BUT, you run the risk of hurt feelings if they have siblings that you exclude. Other than that, just don't invite them. Yes you may have some people upset but they have to understand that their children won't be welcome everywhere they are.

mbross3

You are totally allowed to not have children at your wedding. When sending your invites simply address them with only the adult names. Be prepared to potentially have to gently clarify to people that their children are not invited (some parents may assume that their children are invited just because they were). I tend to agree with you that there are some circumstances where it should just be clear that either children should not be there, or that parents should make an effort to calm/quiet their child or step out. I can definitely relate to that frustration. I suggest taking a day or two to calm down/let go of your annoyance and then make a final decision on children. It may be easier to say no children at all then limit it to the children in the wedding party-but you are in the clear either way. 

mysticl

mbross3 said:

You are totally allowed to not have children at your wedding. When sending your invites simply address them with only the adult names. Be prepared to potentially have to gently clarify to people that their children are not invited (some parents may assume that their children are invited just because they were). I tend to agree with you that there are some circumstances where it should just be clear that either children should not be there, or that parents should make an effort to calm/quiet their child or step out. I can definitely relate to that frustration. I suggest taking a day or two to calm down/let go of your annoyance and then make a final decision on children. It may be easier to say no children at all then limit it to the children in the wedding party-but you are in the clear either way. 

So you are saying she should kick the kids out of her wedding party?

phira

Calm down. You don't have to invite kids to your wedding. You can also invite just the kids who are in the wedding party. Relax. Use paragraphs. Breathe.

mbross3

mysticl said:

mbross3 said:

You are totally allowed to not have children at your wedding. When sending your invites simply address them with only the adult names. Be prepared to potentially have to gently clarify to people that their children are not invited (some parents may assume that their children are invited just because they were). I tend to agree with you that there are some circumstances where it should just be clear that either children should not be there, or that parents should make an effort to calm/quiet their child or step out. I can definitely relate to that frustration. I suggest taking a day or two to calm down/let go of your annoyance and then make a final decision on children. It may be easier to say no children at all then limit it to the children in the wedding party-but you are in the clear either way. 

So you are saying she should kick the kids out of her wedding party?

No, I am not saying that. I don't know where she is in her wedding planning (other than sometime before sending out invites), sorry if that was mentioned somewhere else. If she hasn't asked the children to be in her wedding, but has simply considered it, then she can still choose whether or not to have children there at all. If she has already asked the children, obviously it would be rude to go back on that now and might hurt feelings/ harm relationships. 

mysticl

Mitch617 said:

Also I've never heard of a cry room and would not do that. If you do wind up inviting kids, hopefully parents can figure out there own way to duck out and quiet the kids down somewhere like a bathroom or outside,

Some churches have them built in.  They are sound proof rooms with audio piped in and a window into the sanctuary.  This way the parent can still see and hear the service but the child does not disrupt the service.  

Blue_Bird

Ignore your sister. She is wrong. I suggest you stop telling her what you aren't going to do if she's going to be difficult. It's fine to only invite the children who are in the wedding Just make sure that those kids are also invited to the reception. It isn't your responsibility to worry about what anyone else decides to do with his or her children for the evening. No sitter necessary, no cry room necessary. Tell your sister that the subject is closed. Just send your invitations to the adults you are inviting and leave it at that.

Mitch617

Mitch617 said:

Also I've never heard of a cry room and would not do that. If you do wind up inviting kids, hopefully parents can figure out there own way to duck out and quiet the kids down somewhere like a bathroom or outside,

Some churches have them built in.  They are sound proof rooms with audio piped in and a window into the sanctuary.  This way the parent can still see and hear the service but the child does not disrupt the service.  

Oh, that's actually pretty cool! They should put those on airplanes haha

Jen4948

Your sister is wrong.  Don't discuss the matter with her anymore.

lyndausvi

You can absolutely only invite WP kids.  HOWEVER, if you plan on your say brother's kids be in the wedding and not your sisters.  Or  your FI nieces/nephews and not yours you may have some hurt feelings.    

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for selective kid invites.  Just be smart about how you go about picking the kids in the wedding.  Even as a pro-no-kids person I would be upset if my sister's kids were invited and my own were not.  IDK - there is something about picking and choosing within the same circle bugs me.

For the record, the only invited kids at my wedding were my nieces and nephews, who were also in the WP.   DH doesn't have any so that was a non-issue.

FiancB

While it's within etiquette to do so, personally if I did the no kids thing I wouldn't have a ring bearer or flower girl either. They aren't necessary and are just as likely to cause a ruckus as any other kid. I just don't like the idea of picking and choosing but that's my personal opinion.

Most people have enough sense to take the hint if you don't list kids' names on the invites. Most people have enough sense to take fussy kids away so they don't disrupt others. There's always that one person though... so i would try my best to avoid having kids there, but realize that people can be dense and you can't control everyone on your wedding day. 

If you are getting married in a church there is indeed a cry room at many. Some people hire babysitters, but then that might send a message that kids are welcome which it sounds like you don't want. 

mrs4everhart

I don't like kids. Didn't invite them to my first wedding, won't be inviting any to my second. Yes, you can limit children to just your BP, but I'm curious, what are you going to do if one of THEM starts crying, having a hissy, shits their pants or gets otherwise tired and out of control? You're better off without having any if you're concerned about children behaving like children. I do think all public places should be mandated a cry room, btw. 

aleighc3

I think they someone should invent a cry room for people who complain about babies who cry in public...IMO....

kmmssg

lyndausvi said:

You can absolutely only invite WP kids.  HOWEVER, if you plan on your say brother's kids be in the wedding and not your sisters.  Or  your FI nieces/nephews and not yours you may have some hurt feelings.    

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for selective kid invites.  Just be smart about how you go about picking the kids in the wedding.  Even as a pro-no-kids person I would be upset if my sister's kids were invited and my own were not.  IDK - there is something about picking and choosing within the same circle bugs me.

For the record, the only invited kids at my wedding were my nieces and nephews, who were also in the WP.   DH doesn't have any so that was a non-issue.

Super double ditto Lynda.  I am all for no kid weddings but if you pick and choose nieces/nephews you get into territory that just isn't right.

SJM7538

I get wanting an elegant, sophisticated wedding and I support your right to not invite children. Does your sister have children that won't be in the wedding party and that is maybe why she reacted that way? 

On a side note, anyone other than me uncomfortable sometimes with the hostility in some of these posts about kids? And the idea that parents should just be overjoyed to leave them at home and get away from them? 

 

Stuck in the box. Yes, I agree. It really bothers me when people without kids (and I don't have kids) automatically assume that people want to leave their children at home or can't go out and have a good time with their children present. Kids are fun, yes they are not welcome everywhere, but they are still fun. And from my experience, most are well behaved.

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum it is also frustrating when parents gets upset that little johnny or suzie aren't invited everywhere or hearing stories like OPs were there is screaming kid throughout an entire wedding ceremony.

 

OP all the ladies have provided great advice and pretty much the same thing I would say. You have every right to limit the kids at the wedding to those in the WP and if people question whether their children aren't invited just say "I'm sorry but the invitation is just for you and your SO."

climbingsingle

It's totally fine to not have kids at your wedding. 

I'm not a fan of kids. The only ones invited to our wedding are older (11,12,13) and we consider them part of our immediate families. I also agree though if you're going the no kids route, you should skip having a ring bearer and a flower girl. 

msuprincess04

You can absolutely have a kid-free wedding. Or, simply invite the kids in the wedding party (to include both the ceremony and reception.) 

It's funny, I went to a wedding a few months ago where a kid screamed through the entire thing. We couldn't hear anything in second row. And since she was a flower girl, she continued to scream in the arms of her mother who was standing at the front as a bridesmaid. Um. No. It kind of cemented our no-kids decision. True, we have quite a few people who aren't going because of the kid thing, but I'm really ok with that. I love them all dearly and wish they could make it, but I respect their decision as I hope they respect ours. 

winnipegwriter

You can definitely have a kid-free wedding. I hate kids, and I've been to too many weddings where they have screamed through the ceremony, been terrors during dinner/reception, etc. I know that a lot of that stems from poor parenting, but it doesn't lessen the impact on the day. Our friends have been awesome with our decision -- they're all excited to have a night out without the kids!

FiancB

I love kids. For a while I was still considering not having them, just because we are probably going to have a pretty raucous party that will go late, have lots of drinking, probably inappropriate music later at night, etc.So even though I REALLY like kids, it doesn't make me uncomfortable when they aren't invited. We have some out of towners though so if I said no kids I would get declines. 

Now that we are having it closer to home I think a lot more people will leave their kids with grandparents etc. I know my sister is bringing her 5 kids and it's impossible for her not to, but at least I know they're pretty well behaved and sister/BIL isn't a bonehead that's going to let anybody cry through the ceremony. Plus I love those kids and probably most of them will be in the wedding party somehow. But I'm pretty sure they'll be the only ones, which works out great. 

lightningsnow

scribe95 said:

I get wanting an elegant, sophisticated wedding and I support your right to not invite children. Does your sister have children that won't be in the wedding party and that is maybe why she reacted that way? 

On a side note, anyone other than me uncomfortable sometimes with the hostility in some of these posts about kids? And the idea that parents should just be overjoyed to leave them at home and get away from them? 

I don't understand the hostility either. In my family, since there are so many kids, there are fights if kids aren't invited. I know when I get married to my BF in the future, our wedding will be kid friendly. I think they make the party a lot more fun. Granted, majority of the kids in my family are now much older but still. They're invited but we've already discussed what kids are getting invites and what kids might not.

MrsAitch

lightningsnow said:

scribe95 said:

I get wanting an elegant, sophisticated wedding and I support your right to not invite children. Does your sister have children that won't be in the wedding party and that is maybe why she reacted that way? 

On a side note, anyone other than me uncomfortable sometimes with the hostility in some of these posts about kids? And the idea that parents should just be overjoyed to leave them at home and get away from them? 

I don't understand the hostility either. In my family, since there are so many kids, there are fights if kids aren't invited. I know when I get married to my BF in the future, our wedding will be kid friendly. I think they make the party a lot more fun. Granted, majority of the kids in my family are now much older but still. They're invited but we've already discussed what kids are getting invites and what kids might not.

Hahaha this is how I felt too before I started wedding planning and discovered inviting all kids meant adding 50 extra people to the guest list. We invited kids of family members, but that's it. I would love to have all the kids there but we don't have the space or money for that many extra people and I'm not willing to cut a good friend who is an adult off of our guest list just so someone's 15 month old baby can go. Sorry I'm not sorry.

lyndausvi

scribe95 said:

I get wanting an elegant, sophisticated wedding and I support your right to not invite children. Does your sister have children that won't be in the wedding party and that is maybe why she reacted that way? 

On a side note, anyone other than me uncomfortable sometimes with the hostility in some of these posts about kids? And the idea that parents should just be overjoyed to leave them at home and get away from them? 

Meh, kids are like nails on a chalkboard for some people.   I'm kind-of one of those people. Logically speaking I understand kids cry as a form of communication.  I know parents often have no control of when the kid will burst into a crying fit.   I know that having kids = crying.   I don't have kids, nor will I because of biological issues, not because I don't want to deal with crying.

I also don't understand the thought process that parents would be overjoyed with an evening out? It's weird logic to me. 

 I didn't invite kids other than my nieces/nephews (youngest was 6).  They were not invited because of crying.  I didn't invite them because inviting kids of ANY age would have doubled my guest list.   

If a parent could not make it because their kid was not invited, so be it.   That said, my social group rarely invites non-immediate family kids.   My social group often have non-kid nights by going to the movies, dinners out, business events and black-tie charity events.  We have just as many kids-included night.  They do not get all butt-hurt because their Susie or Tommy wasn't invited somewhere.  If childcare falls through at the last minute they just deal with either not attending or more often than not they send the parent who is the closest to the couple while the other stays at home.   It's just what we do.

doeydo

Not everyone likes kids, that doesn't make them bad people.  Sheesh.  

winelover123

Some people just don't like kids - plain and simple. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to invite children just as there is nothing wrong with wanting to invite them. Personally, there are very few children that I actually like. For the most part, I really dislike children. H isn't a fan of them either. We had H's niece and nephew in our WP as the flower girl and usher and my BFF's kid as our ring bearer. They were the only children we invited. 

OP, you don't have to invite kids. You can also invite select kids. If you do invite kids, I would suggest inviting in circles - all your nieces and nephews and all of your FI's nieces and nephews, for example.