I do NOT want kids at my wedding!!! Why isn't that okay?!

mysticl

acove2006 said:

mysticl said:

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

I think it's perfectly okay to have no kids at your wedding. You can't have 'no kids' or 'adults only' on your invites, but if people RSVP their kids, just phone them and explain to them. I'm only having a very small number of kids at my wedding (three, I think) none of which are in the wedding party, but only because two of them are coming from different countries, and I can't ask them to leave their kids at home whilst they fly to a different country, or to bring their kids and leave them with a babysitter who can't speak the kids language. I think that's the only reason you would feel obliged to invite the kids. 

What about a child under the age of 1 who is breastfed?

Why does it have to be a child under 1? My 18 month old still breast feeds. But to answer the original question, IMO exceptions should be made for nursing babies but that doesn't mean it's an etiquette breach to not do so. If you are questioning certain kids I'd ask myself if having the parent not attend is better or worse than if they came with the baby. Comes down to personal preference really.

My 18 month old also still breastfeeds.  However, it is no longer his primary source of nutrition like it was when he was under a year so leaving him for more than a couple of hours was a bigger deal then than it is now.  That's the only reason I said under a year.  I still wouldn't leave him overnight because of breastfeeding but I can leave him during the day for a fair chunk of time.  

My opinion is that children should be included in weddings period so to me it doesn't matter if they are nursing or not.  I was specifically asking the person who said the only time you should feel obligated to invite a child is if they live outside of the country.  

mysticl

cmfarr said:

mysticl said:

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

I think it's perfectly okay to have no kids at your wedding. You can't have 'no kids' or 'adults only' on your invites, but if people RSVP their kids, just phone them and explain to them. I'm only having a very small number of kids at my wedding (three, I think) none of which are in the wedding party, but only because two of them are coming from different countries, and I can't ask them to leave their kids at home whilst they fly to a different country, or to bring their kids and leave them with a babysitter who can't speak the kids language. I think that's the only reason you would feel obliged to invite the kids. 

What about a child under the age of 1 who is breastfed?

I think that situation depends on where the mom is traveling from. I have a friend that will go to local events without her 8 month old breast feed son, but she pumps beforehand and leaves him with her in laws. If you are having an OOT wedding with no kids, some breast feeding moms may decline attending.

That doesn't work for everyone though.  I did not respond well to the pump and would get very little milk out.  My son also refused a bottle when I did try pumping.

pinkshorts27

mysticl said:

acove2006 said:

mysticl said:

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

I think it's perfectly okay to have no kids at your wedding. You can't have 'no kids' or 'adults only' on your invites, but if people RSVP their kids, just phone them and explain to them. I'm only having a very small number of kids at my wedding (three, I think) none of which are in the wedding party, but only because two of them are coming from different countries, and I can't ask them to leave their kids at home whilst they fly to a different country, or to bring their kids and leave them with a babysitter who can't speak the kids language. I think that's the only reason you would feel obliged to invite the kids. 

What about a child under the age of 1 who is breastfed?

Why does it have to be a child under 1? My 18 month old still breast feeds. But to answer the original question, IMO exceptions should be made for nursing babies but that doesn't mean it's an etiquette breach to not do so. If you are questioning certain kids I'd ask myself if having the parent not attend is better or worse than if they came with the baby. Comes down to personal preference really.

My 18 month old also still breastfeeds.  However, it is no longer his primary source of nutrition like it was when he was under a year so leaving him for more than a couple of hours was a bigger deal then than it is now.  That's the only reason I said under a year.  I still wouldn't leave him overnight because of breastfeeding but I can leave him during the day for a fair chunk of time.  

My opinion is that children should be included in weddings period so to me it doesn't matter if they are nursing or not.  I was specifically asking the person who said the only time you should feel obligated to invite a child is if they live outside of the country.  

So do you consider it a slight if someone else doesn't invite your children? Do you decline?  In our family, weddings are family events (children are invited), but I wouldn't force that on anyone. It isn't an etiquette breach to not invite children. I don't see why a couple shouldn't have the choice to not invite children. 

Amyzen83

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

I can see where you are coming from with this, and we are personally having kids at our wedding for the reason that we want a family friendly event, and know that not having them would put some of our VIPs in a very difficult position. However to the bolded, that is exactly what I loath about modern parenting is that children should be kept in a situation even if they are acting like little shitheads, because how else will they learn? I think this is where all the speshal snowflakes come from, is that all children should constantly be rewarded, and should never be punished if they are acting out. I think that kind of teaching is poor parenting. Children need to learn discipline

I'm sorry but I think it's rude for parents to let their child continually throw a temper tantrum and disrupt an experience for everyone else around them especially a wedding or an event where quietness is appreciated. How you teach the child that it's not ok to act like that or if they really don't want to be somewhere, you remove them from the situation and punish them when they get home, as in take away certain privileges, toys, early bedtime, time out, that sort of thing, while sparing everyone else someone's kid's bratty behavior. If it's at a restaurant and my kid was acting up, I'd immediately ask for a check and a to-go box and once I've paid I'd take the kid home, or if my partner was with me, I'd have him either take the child outside or I'd take the kid outside and if they were old enough to reason with. My partner or I would have a very stern talk with the kid.

mysticl

blueeyes90 said:

mysticl said:

acove2006 said:

mysticl said:

LadyMorvenMacBeth said:

I think it's perfectly okay to have no kids at your wedding. You can't have 'no kids' or 'adults only' on your invites, but if people RSVP their kids, just phone them and explain to them. I'm only having a very small number of kids at my wedding (three, I think) none of which are in the wedding party, but only because two of them are coming from different countries, and I can't ask them to leave their kids at home whilst they fly to a different country, or to bring their kids and leave them with a babysitter who can't speak the kids language. I think that's the only reason you would feel obliged to invite the kids. 

What about a child under the age of 1 who is breastfed?

Why does it have to be a child under 1? My 18 month old still breast feeds. But to answer the original question, IMO exceptions should be made for nursing babies but that doesn't mean it's an etiquette breach to not do so. If you are questioning certain kids I'd ask myself if having the parent not attend is better or worse than if they came with the baby. Comes down to personal preference really.

My 18 month old also still breastfeeds.  However, it is no longer his primary source of nutrition like it was when he was under a year so leaving him for more than a couple of hours was a bigger deal then than it is now.  That's the only reason I said under a year.  I still wouldn't leave him overnight because of breastfeeding but I can leave him during the day for a fair chunk of time.  

My opinion is that children should be included in weddings period so to me it doesn't matter if they are nursing or not.  I was specifically asking the person who said the only time you should feel obligated to invite a child is if they live outside of the country.  

So do you consider it a slight if someone else doesn't invite your children? Do you decline?  In our family, weddings are family events (children are invited), but I wouldn't force that on anyone. It isn't an etiquette breach to not invite children. I don't see why a couple shouldn't have the choice to not invite children. 

I just said it's my opinion that people should invite kids. I'm not forcing people to do it. I would decline because my child care options are very limited and it would be difficult if not impossible for me to find someone to watch him for a wedding.  As for considering it a slight it would depend on who the invitation was from.  Just like there are only certain people I would feel slighted by if they didn't invite me to their wedding.  

Amyzen83

I get that some people feel very strongly about having children invited to family events, and that's cool, you are entitled to have family friendly events, however that is your opinion and not an etiquette issue. Etiquette doesn't state "You must invite everyone's kid to every single event." If you don't want them there for X,Y or Z reason, that's fine and doesn't need to be justified, not everything is child friendly. If one were to have a black tie wedding in the true sense of black tie, I don't think that would be a very child friendly situation and I don't think the child would necessarily have a good time. On the other hand there are probably children who would do well in those situations may even enjoy it, but it's still up to the host to decide who they want to host.

banana468

I think the largest issue is when people even have the opinions that they do.   To think that your child should be included in all things is an egregious etiquette over-step.   Your spouse should be included but your child does not have to be.   These are facts.

If you opt to have that opinion then you need to be fully aware that your opinion isn't supported by others and you need to be OK with that.   If you have an 18 mo and you haven't found a sitter at all yet then that's your own issue and not something that is the hosts' problem.    

By the time DD was 7 weeks old I was back to work full time.   If you're a working mother you're almost always back by 1 year and if you're nursing an 18 mo, s/he doesn't need your breast milk as part of the normal nutrition requirements.   Part of being a parent is making a choice.   You can opt to find a sitter (ever hear of Care.com?) or you can decline.   Unless you know that your child was removed from the guest list because of some personal issue then holding some kind of grudge is not an option that should be on your list. 

Jen4948

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Regardless of what is taught in parenting classes, it is not appropriate for parents to sit there during a wedding while their kids are acting up.  The wedding is a one-time event, so if the people around them are being disturbed, there will not be a replay of the ceremony for those who miss out because they can't hear the vows over the cries or other misbehavior of kids. 

Weddings are not "teachable moments" for small children to learn how to behave-if they don't already know, then they need not to be there.

NYCBruin

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Comments like this make me happy we aren't inviting children.  If we were considering inviting children, this would make me reconsider.  

It's pretty awful that there are parenting classes out there that spout this nonsense.  It's pretty unfair to subject everyone else to your child's temper tantrum so that your child can "learn."  This attitude is the essence of special snowflakes, that your child is more important than everyone else.

Amyzen83

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Regardless of what is taught in parenting classes, it is not appropriate for parents to sit there during a wedding while their kids are acting up.  The wedding is a one-time event, so if the people around them are being disturbed, there will not be a replay of the ceremony for those who miss out because they can't hear the vows over the cries or other misbehavior of kids. 

Weddings are not "teachable moments" for small children to learn how to behave-if they don't already know, then they need not to be there.

I think you phrased it better than I did! Yes! A one time only event such as a wedding ceremony is NOT a teaching opportunity!

banana468

Amyzen83 said:

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Regardless of what is taught in parenting classes, it is not appropriate for parents to sit there during a wedding while their kids are acting up.  The wedding is a one-time event, so if the people around them are being disturbed, there will not be a replay of the ceremony for those who miss out because they can't hear the vows over the cries or other misbehavior of kids. 

Weddings are not "teachable moments" for small children to learn how to behave-if they don't already know, then they need not to be there.

I think you phrased it better than I did! Yes! A one time only event such as a wedding ceremony is NOT a teaching opportunity!

THIS!!   I forced DD to spend 4 minutes with me in CVS while I bought night cream as she had a temper tantrum.   I wasn't about to give into the tantrum and had I needed more stuff, we sure as hell would have been out of there.   I made a selection and got out of the store as fast as I could and she was told in NO uncertain terms that throwing a temper tantrum was not OK.    I don't even let that BS fly when we're in normal Sunday Mass.    If she starts to act up I give her about 10 seconds before we're in the vestibule or outside with my "mom face" on.   No, sometimes you can't leave a place immediately but you certainly don't ruin a public space / venue for others either.

mysticl

banana468 said:

I think the largest issue is when people even have the opinions that they do.   To think that your child should be included in all things is an egregious etiquette over-step.   Your spouse should be included but your child does not have to be.   These are facts.

If you opt to have that opinion then you need to be fully aware that your opinion isn't supported by others and you need to be OK with that.   If you have an 18 mo and you haven't found a sitter at all yet then that's your own issue and not something that is the hosts' problem.    

By the time DD was 7 weeks old I was back to work full time.   If you're a working mother you're almost always back by 1 year and if you're nursing an 18 mo, s/he doesn't need your breast milk as part of the normal nutrition requirements.   Part of being a parent is making a choice.   You can opt to find a sitter (ever hear of Care.com?) or you can decline.   Unless you know that your child was removed from the guest list because of some personal issue then holding some kind of grudge is not an option that should be on your list. 

Yes, I have heard of them, nothing good.  We moved shortly before I got pregnant.  So I don't know a lot of people where I live.  I do know one person well enough that I would leave my child with her and I have.  However, we are in the same social circle so if I was invited to a local wedding there is a good chance she would also be invited (and in fact was to the one wedding that has taken place here).  I also know a few people here well enough not leave my child with them.  As for traveling to a wedding I am not comfortable leaving my child overnight at this point and depending on where the wedding was we may not know anyone there who is not attending the wedding.  You are right none of this is the host's problem but it would still lead me to decline an invite.  If asked why I declined I would be honest and say it was because I did not have childcare options.  It would not be in an attempt to wrangle an invite for him and it would not be a "bluff" as I have heard it called on some of these threads in the past.  It would be a simple of statement of fact as to why we weren't attending.  

 I wouldn't "hold a grudge".  Depending on the situation I may feel a little hurt that someone who was family or a close friend didn't want to include my child in something important.  I get that etiquette does not mandate children be invited but I'm allowed to have the opinion that they should be invited just like other people are allowed to have the opinion that they should not be invited (which also is not an etiquette mandate).  

 

mysticl

Amyzen83 said:

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Regardless of what is taught in parenting classes, it is not appropriate for parents to sit there during a wedding while their kids are acting up.  The wedding is a one-time event, so if the people around them are being disturbed, there will not be a replay of the ceremony for those who miss out because they can't hear the vows over the cries or other misbehavior of kids. 

Weddings are not "teachable moments" for small children to learn how to behave-if they don't already know, then they need not to be there.

I think you phrased it better than I did! Yes! A one time only event such as a wedding ceremony is NOT a teaching opportunity!

I did say I don't agree with that parenting approach.  I also wasn't talking specifically about weddings but about children in public in general as that was what the post I was responding to seemed to be focused on.  

Jen4948

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Jen4948 said:

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

Regardless of what is taught in parenting classes, it is not appropriate for parents to sit there during a wedding while their kids are acting up.  The wedding is a one-time event, so if the people around them are being disturbed, there will not be a replay of the ceremony for those who miss out because they can't hear the vows over the cries or other misbehavior of kids. 

Weddings are not "teachable moments" for small children to learn how to behave-if they don't already know, then they need not to be there.

I think you phrased it better than I did! Yes! A one time only event such as a wedding ceremony is NOT a teaching opportunity!

I did say I don't agree with that parenting approach.  I also wasn't talking specifically about weddings but about children in public in general as that was what the post I was responding to seemed to be focused on.  

No criticism of you was intended-just that this parenting approach is not appropriate at a wedding.

lyndausvi

I swear Banana and I are long lost cousins.   Her parenting opinions are pretty damn close to those of my family and extended family.  I don't have kids for various reasons that do not include not liking them, but if I did I sure I would follow her line of thinking.  The rest of my family already does.

banana468

lyndausvi said:

I swear Banana and I are long lost cousins.   Her parenting opinions are pretty damn close to those of my family and extended family.  I don't have kids for various reasons that do not include not liking them, but if I did I sure I would flow her line of thinking.  The rest of my family already does.

Thanks Lynda! You're invited to St. Patrick ' s Day with the family next weekend.

lyndausvi

banana468 said:

I swear Banana and I are long lost cousins.   Her parenting opinions are pretty damn close to those of my family and extended family.  I don't have kids for various reasons that do not include not liking them, but if I did I sure I would flow her line of thinking.  The rest of my family already does.

Thanks Lynda! You're invited to St. Patrick ' s Day with the family next weekend.

Would love to come.  Unfortunately, that is our first weekend at our new place here in CO (move in on Wednesday). Finally will be out of temp housing (not that the housing is bad, just not home).

Being 100% Irish and all, I will have a few drinks on your behalf.  Our new grill arrives on the 17th and the club is closed on Monday's so DH is off.  I foresee at cookout happening.

Sugargirl1019

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

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When we were young, we learned super quickly that acting up to get out of a place was not the right thing to do. In church, if we misbehaved, we immediately left with mom to go on a "walk" and this walk included a spanking.
We never ever wanted to hear "do you want to leave and go for a walk?" from mom or dad. Even if it meant getting out of church as a child. Even the "look" inspired fear in our souls from what was to come that instantly got us behaving!

If your children think that acting up is a good way to get out of a place, you're doing something wrong.

I agree with PPs that a wedding is NEVER a time to allow your child to misbehave and wait to see if they calm down because you don't want to encourage their bad behavior. Everyone else around won't be able to enjoy the ceremony because of that decision.

HisGirlFriday13

@banana468, you parent DD the way my nephew is being parented and the way DH and I plan to parent.

I had nephew at Mass one Sunday and he started acting rowdy as we got in line for Communion. He and I marched into the cry room (me holding him against his will) and I said, 'You can sit in here and have a tantrum or you can go up for the blessing, but if you go up, you have to hold Auntie's hand.'

He said, 'Play blocks?'

I said, 'No, we go up for Communion like a big boy or we go home and take a nap like a baby who's throwing a fit. But we don't play blocks when we've been naughty.'

He said, 'OK, go Communion and you carry me?'

So I carried him up to Communion and he got a blessing and he was happy. But he absolutely learned that flinging a fit gets you a time out, not a toy.

lyndausvi

Sugargirl1019 said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

When we were young, we learned super quickly that acting up to get out of a place was not the right thing to do. In church, if we misbehaved, we immediately left with mom to go on a "walk" and this walk included a spanking. We never ever wanted to hear "do you want to leave and go for a walk?" from mom or dad. Even if it meant getting out of church as a child. Even the "look" inspired fear in our souls from what was to come that instantly got us behaving! If your children think that acting up is a good way to get out of a place, you're doing something wrong. I agree with PPs that a wedding is NEVER a time to allow your child to misbehave and wait to see if they calm down because you don't want to encourage their bad behavior. Everyone else around won't be able to enjoy the ceremony because of that decision.

I honestly only remember being spanked once in my life. I can't remember why I was spanked, but I do remember it was not due to something I did publicly.    It might have been more, but I honestly only remember then one time and I was about 6 or 7.    

The LOOK, oh the LOOK.  That instilled so much fear in us. Man, I can still see that LOOK.  None of us disobeyed or we quickly returned to good behavior when given the LOOK in public.   I don't know what would have happened if we didn't obey, all I know is we didn't want to find out.

banana468

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too harsh but I know DD needs these boundaries now or she'll talk out as she gets older. I don't really subscribe to the phrase, "children should be seen and not heard" as a constant but there are plenty of times when I think it does apply.

I also have to remind myself that there will be times that she's going to be tough in public. Ash Wednesday Mass was at 7 PM and we arrived to standing room only. God luck telling a 3 yo to stand still an hour before bedtime. Unfortunately my options were go at 7 or not at all.

lyndausvi

My grandma use to get so mad at parents who got mad at kids in church.   Now we are Catholic.  She use to say "We sing, we speak, we stand, we sing, we talk, we sit, we speak, we kneel, we stand, we speak then sing, then we walk, then we kneel, speak, sing.  How is a 3 year old to keep up with when it's okay to speak, sing, stand or when it's time to be quiet?  Heck, I barely remember"

She has a point.

Amyzen83

Your grandma's funny!

lightningsnow

Whenever I would throw a fit in a store growing up, my parents would just walk away and out of the store. Eventually I would have to follow them and realize I wouldn't get my way. I understand that doesn't always apply but I learned that throwing a fit would not get me what I wanted.

kmmssg

kmmssg said:

mysticl said:

Amyzen83 said:

Nothing wrong with OP or any of the posters not liking kids at formal events but 1) I wonder what will happen when/if they become mothers....their children will be excluded from weddings..what kind of reaction these posters will give...and 2) this post belongs in the Snarky Brides Section. HaHa

As someone without children regardless of reason, I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing the phrase "you don't have kids do you" when I express the slightest annoyance of kids kicking fussing, or getting grossed out watching a kid very publicly doing something gross such as picking their nose and wiping their hands somewhere that other people touch or use. No I don't have kids but if/when I do I will teach them how to behave in public or remove them from a situation if they are acting inappropriately. My child will not be a spoiled speshal snowflake and I can certainly leave them with my mom or fmil or flat out miss an event if I need to if my child's not invited somewhere. Ok off my soapbox now.

Some parenting classes teach that you should not remove the child from the situation because that teaches them that if they don't want to be somewhere they can just act up and they will get to leave.  I'm not saying I agree with that statement I'm just explaining why you might not see some parents jumping up to leave when their child is acting out.  Also, you can't always just leave.  For example if you are in a restaurant you have to pay the bill before you can leave so sometimes you have to wait a while.

Honestly, you do the best you can but no child is going to act perfectly every time they are in public, no matter how much you try to teach, reason, or supervise.   But if you don't take them out in public they will never learn.  

We reared 5 kids.  If they were raising a fuss in public and disturbing others, you can bet they were removed from the situation as quickly as possible.  What happened after that depended on the circumstances.  If I had a small child who was tired or not feeling well - that was my bad decision and I should have seen it coming - no consequences for the child  When they are tired or not feeling well you take them home and put them to bed.

When they were raising a fuss and disturbing others because it sounded like a good idea, you can bet the were removed quickly from that situation too.  And consequences followed.  If they were trying to get out of the situation they got a rude surprise - they were punished for their behavior.  There was no payoff for them once they got out of the situation.  They all learned pretty quickly that they needed to behave.

The one that comes to mind is when I went to Ohio to see my Dad (uncle who raised me).  I come from a family where kids were seen and not heard and DS was around 3.  We went to this little restaurant for lunch and DS was being a little poophead and would not listen.  He and I left immediately (minus his chicken nuggets, applesauce, and chocolate milk) and sat in the car til DH and Dad were finished with lunch. He was pretty hungry by dinner time.  I took him out because DH wasn't nearly as stern as me and I wanted DS to know that crap wouldn't fly.  I don't recall ever needing to remove him from that kind of situation again.

Being the dork that I can be, it hit me in the shower, this morning, 3 ridiculous days after I posted this, that it sounded like I reared my kids in the "kids are seen and not heard" mentality.  I know I am being stupid but I just want to clear up that I was raised like that, not my kids.  Does anyone really care?  No, but I would never want anyone to think I treated my children in such a manner.  Maybe a good cup of mocha flavored coffee will take care of this.....

HisGirlFriday13

lightningsnow said:

Whenever I would throw a fit in a store growing up, my parents would just walk away and out of the store. Eventually I would have to follow them and realize I wouldn't get my way. I understand that doesn't always apply but I learned that throwing a fit would not get me what I wanted.

This is what my parents did. My mom said it took one time for me to realise I wasn't going to get my own way and I never did it again.

tesgirl123

There is nothing wrong with not having kids at your wedding or limiting it to immediate family only.   Sometimes they are unavoidable, but these are very rare circumstances.   I had a friend ask me if their three children (under 5 ) could come to our ceremony only because they had never been to a Catholic wedding(they are Greek Orthoodox).   They have sworn they will not bring the kids to the reception, so I said okay but I still think its a weird request.

aloha5736

I think it is fine to say no kids.  I'm having no one under the age of 18.  Its a Saturday night, open bar...either have a nice date night out or don't come LOL has been exactly my response.  The last thing I want to hear walking down the isle is a screaming kid.  Also, I just don't have the space in my venue.  My MOH has three kids up to the age of 6 and they are going with grandma for the night..not one issue, because they can go out for a nice night and be okay with it.  If a parent doesn't want to come, because of a child, I totally understand and no grudges held