Double standards for wedding party etiquette...

singinchick13

In terms of actual reasoning besides "it's a tradition" or "everyone does it" I can only equate it to something like wearing a favorite sports team's colors. You dress a certain way and in certain colors to support your team and cheer them on. We see this in many other instances also, such as Canada Day (hi, I'm Canadian), or the Fourth of July. People sport these colors to celebrate and show their support. This also happens on St. Patrick's Day, and now during things like LGBT Pride parades.

Therefore to me it seems like the bridal party sports the bride and groom's wedding colors to show their support for the day and for the union that is taking place. Maybe it is not necessary, and to others on the outside they may look like props or like they have been made to wear a uniform, but in their position I would wear my friend's/sister's/fsil's colors in a beaming display of pride that I have been included to stand up and support my dear friend on one of the most important days of her life.

KittyKaty20

@classyduck-

The one thing that I can say about WHY it's seemingly OK to request your BP wear/purchase an outfit is this: it isn't really OK, strictly looking at etiquette.

But, there is only one Miss Manners, and if one truly chooses to live one's life based solely on the rules of etiquette, one would likely find oneself unburdened with concern for one's friends; they will almost surely have fled the confines of such a friendship.

As PPs have said, the BP attire requests are not just a tradition to observe/fight. Unlike the B&G, who will most often be recognized by the guests regardless of attire (ie white dress, tux), there is a very good chance that individuals in the BP will not be so widely recognized. If there is an honor to be proffered to a member of the BP, I would argue that it would surely be a way for others to recognize the honorees. Coordinated attire fits the bill.

Unless someone hands out nametags. 

Viczaesar

Edited b/c I saw that the question was answered.

classyduck

antoto said:

I think perhaps the problem here is that we are arguing about different people.  YOUR bridesmaids may be angry at you for telling them to wear some color, but my bridesmaids are all friends and WANTED to get all matchy dressed up and do that whole thing.

Some people LIKE that. 

 I think it's important for the bride to feel it out.  I've been in several wedding partys and the bride did not pick a color like hot pink or sunset orange because they knew that, as a ginger, I hate wearing colors that make me look like a crazy person.  As a bridesmaid I enjoyed the whole dress process and never thought a single bad thought about it.

If you have a group of girls that HATE that process then go ahead and change it up!  But don't judge people who do enjoy it.

Well if the WP is all for matching, by all means, go for it! A few people in here have mentioned that their WP took it upon themselves to get matchy (I like the sports team analogy!), which of course, I have no problem with. I hope most people understand that this sort of circumstance is exempt from my original question. I'm not questioning the matching, just the bride and grooms imposition of it. And I certainly don't mean to judge people. I think most of the posters here probably show much more courtesy to their wp and guests than the average bride and groom. I really was just curious if there could be an "etiquette" explanation for what otherwise seemed a bit like an imposition. I'm still learning every day -- for example, in this thread, I learned that asking someone to be an usher is an honor, not an imposition. I'm actually puzzled by this one as well, I would have expected this to fall under the faux pas of soliciting help. Anyway, that was my intention in posting--to learn, not to judge, so please accept my apologies if i've came across as judgmental!

KittyKaty20 said:

@classyduck-

The one thing that I can say about WHY it's seemingly OK to request your BP wear/purchase an outfit is this: it isn't really OK, strictly looking at etiquette.

But, there is only one Miss Manners, and if one truly chooses to live one's life based solely on the rules of etiquette, one would likely find oneself unburdened with concern for one's friends; they will almost surely have fled the confines of such a friendship.

As PPs have said, the BP attire requests are not just a tradition to observe/fight. Unlike the B&G, who will most often be recognized by the guests regardless of attire (ie white dress, tux), there is a very good chance that individuals in the BP will not be so widely recognized. If there is an honor to be proffered to a member of the BP, I would argue that it would surely be a way for others to recognize the honorees. Coordinated attire fits the bill.

Unless someone hands out nametags. 

I must beg your pardon, but this sounds like lazy reasoning to me. I agree that there are rules of etiquette that have simply gone out of date, but most of them are there because they make other people MORE comfortable, not less. And I feel the the ones I've questioned in this thread fall into that category.

On the other hand, you bring up a very interesting point about recognition! You are right, "uniforms" have historically been used precisely for that purpose. I actually think this is one of the more valid arguments I've heard.

Still... there are other ways to include recognizable uniformity -- you joked about nametags -- that are more affordable, and that the bride and groom could provide themselves. I wouldn't suggest nametags, but corsages, or other floral adornments, for example. Is it AS recognizable as matching attire? no.

I do think it is really cool how many people have cited that their WP was enthuzed about coordinating all on their own, though.

ashleyep

antoto said:

I think perhaps the problem here is that we are arguing about different people.  YOUR bridesmaids may be angry at you for telling them to wear some color, but my bridesmaids are all friends and WANTED to get all matchy dressed up and do that whole thing.

Some people LIKE that. 

 I think it's important for the bride to feel it out.  I've been in several wedding partys and the bride did not pick a color like hot pink or sunset orange because they knew that, as a ginger, I hate wearing colors that make me look like a crazy person.  As a bridesmaid I enjoyed the whole dress process and never thought a single bad thought about it.

If you have a group of girls that HATE that process then go ahead and change it up!  But don't judge people who do enjoy it.

I will say that when my friend got married, I wanted to be told what dress to wear. At first she said we could wear any dress we want in this particular shade of green. It was too difficult for me to find something, I preferred when she told us to get a dress from David's Bridal in that color. And I wouldn't have minded in the least if she told me which one to buy.

grumbledore

antoto said:

I think perhaps the problem here is that we are arguing about different people.  YOUR bridesmaids may be angry at you for telling them to wear some color, but my bridesmaids are all friends and WANTED to get all matchy dressed up and do that whole thing.

Some people LIKE that. 

 I think it's important for the bride to feel it out.  I've been in several wedding partys and the bride did not pick a color like hot pink or sunset orange because they knew that, as a ginger, I hate wearing colors that make me look like a crazy person.  As a bridesmaid I enjoyed the whole dress process and never thought a single bad thought about it.

If you have a group of girls that HATE that process then go ahead and change it up!  But don't judge people who do enjoy it.

I think this goes without saying - obviously if they want to wear matching dresses, then by all means, they should. But the assumption that grown ass women want to wear matching outfits all day is silly and needs to goooo.

antoto

I don't think it DOES go without saying since this thread was created...

grumbledore

antoto said: I don't think it DOES go without saying since this thread was created...
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The point the OP was making, which seems to have been lost several times along the way, is that it's the expectation that she has an issue with, and I agree with her.  I don't expect or demand that my bridesmaids wear matching outfits.  If they want  to and choose to, then that's just as fine as them choosing not to match.

It's the expectation that I take issue with, and frankly I find it bizarre and a little perplexing that it's such a persistent expectation and frankly one that is almost universally accepted (although as we've discussed throughout this thread, that tide is slowly shifting).

APDSS22

classyduck said:

antoto said:

I think perhaps the problem here is that we are arguing about different people.  YOUR bridesmaids may be angry at you for telling them to wear some color, but my bridesmaids are all friends and WANTED to get all matchy dressed up and do that whole thing.

Some people LIKE that. 

 I think it's important for the bride to feel it out.  I've been in several wedding partys and the bride did not pick a color like hot pink or sunset orange because they knew that, as a ginger, I hate wearing colors that make me look like a crazy person.  As a bridesmaid I enjoyed the whole dress process and never thought a single bad thought about it.

If you have a group of girls that HATE that process then go ahead and change it up!  But don't judge people who do enjoy it.

Well if the WP is all for matching, by all means, go for it! A few people in here have mentioned that their WP took it upon themselves to get matchy (I like the sports team analogy!), which of course, I have no problem with. I hope most people understand that this sort of circumstance is exempt from my original question. I'm not questioning the matching, just the bride and grooms imposition of it. And I certainly don't mean to judge people. I think most of the posters here probably show much more courtesy to their wp and guests than the average bride and groom. I really was just curious if there could be an "etiquette" explanation for what otherwise seemed a bit like an imposition. I'm still learning every day -- for example, in this thread, I learned that asking someone to be an usher is an honor, not an imposition. I'm actually puzzled by this one as well, I would have expected this to fall under the faux pas of soliciting help. Anyway, that was my intention in posting--to learn, not to judge, so please accept my apologies if i've came across as judgmental!

***********Stuck in a box...feel like a mime.**************

Asking someone to be an usher is akin to asking them to perform a reading for the wedding ceremony.  They participate in the ceremony and aren't saddled with onerous "duties" like handing out programs or guarding a guest book.  Like being asked to be a bridal party member, this can be perverted into something awful.  Typically, an usher escorts VIPs down to their seats at the beginning of the wedding and may be on hand before the wedding starts to indicate which side is the groom's and which is the bride's if asked.  They should also indicate if rows are reserved.  Possibly they would also bring down the bread and wine during a religious ceremony.

classyduck

Thank you for that clarification! I've been wondering about that...

Viczaesar

grumbledore said:

antoto said:

I don't think it DOES go without saying since this thread was created...

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The point the OP was making, which seems to have been lost several times along the way, is that it's the expectation that she has an issue with, and I agree with her.  I don't expect or demand that my bridesmaids wear matching outfits.  If they want  to and choose to, then that's just as fine as them choosing not to match.

It's the expectation that I take issue with, and frankly I find it bizarre and a little perplexing that it's such a persistent expectation and frankly one that is almost universally accepted (although as we've discussed throughout this thread, that tide is slowly shifting).

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I agree in the sense that I don't think it should be an expectation.  But I recognize that my opinion is unpopular in the extreme, so I rarely voice it.  I'm not engaged but if I were getting married the only person I would ask to stand at my side is my sister, and I can't even imagine trying to dress her up to match my wedding decor.  Aside from the fact that I think the whole tradition is bizarre, it would also be a false image - that's not how my sister dresses.  If she were dressed in a bridesmaid outfit she wouldn't look like my sister.  Instead, I would tell her to wear whatever she wants, and she would probably show up wearing red and black. 

Having matching bridesmaids is a tradition.  The etiquette that has sprung up around that tradition seeks to make the tradition as easy as possible for the honoree, by saying that the bride needs to consult with the bridesmaids individually about what their budget is, and that the dress needs to be something that the bridesmaid is comfortable wearing, and saying that the bride is responsible for providing any requirements beside the dress.  These are just ways of trying to mitigate the cost of the tradition for the bridesmaid because people aren't yet willing to give up the tradition.


(edited for stupid TK formatting error)