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Wedding Etiquette Forum
kitsunegari89
member
ring inheritance squabble
Okay, my grandmother just passed away and before she died, she bequeathed to me her diamond wedding ring since I am the first grandchild to get married (this April) and she thought that a young person should have it. (she did not physically give it to me, though) My aunts (her daughters) are in agreement and have said that if it had fallen to them, they would give it to me because (as my aunt put it) It's silly for a "bunch of old ladies to want a girlish engagement ring". They also have inherited other jewelry pieces over the years and do not feel they were passed over. My grandfather is not sure about giving it to me. He's one of those people that chooses favorites, and I'm not his favorite grandchild. Probably just because my family lived far away for much of my childhood. He is a very demanding person, always wanting you to wait on him and give him your undivided attention. I was more close with my grandmother who was happy for me to just sit and talk with her at length, as opposed to having some unmet expectation of me. I really enjoy talking with the elderly, so that was kindof our thing, I guess. Her mother was the same way, and I had the pleasure of knowing her until she died at 95 when I as 9 or 10.
Anyway... Back to the ring. There was no will, but it was understood by all that she was going to give it to me before the wedding whether she was present for it or not. I am still dealing with the realization of the fact that she has died very suddenly and so close to my wedding, and it's a very sad time for me and the rest of the family. She did not like morbid displays and would not want us to be unhappy, and would hate it if I did some kind of "in memory of" thing on the day of the wedding. She'd probably say I was turning my wedding into a wake... typical Barbara.
Of course my younger female cousins want it. I don't blame them. It's a very extravagant piece. However, if it does not go to the oldest daughter, it makes sense for it to go to the oldest granddaughter (who is also getting married soon? None of the other girls even have boyfriends). If it did not, it would be just to spite me because my second to oldest cousin is grandpa's favorite. There is so much other jewelry they could inherit. This is an engagement ring. I really want to wear it for the wedding because I feel it would connect me to their luck and successful marriage through some kind of superstitious juju something or other. Stupid, I know... I'm a real pushover, so if it does go to someone else, I don't know how I would respond and would likely just be like "oh... okay" and move on. Grandpa might even do something weird and hock it and donate the proceeds to charity or something terrible. It bothers me that what she wanted was never written down. I never thought this would be a problem. All year she has been talking about how I will have the ring and everyone has heard her say it. I didn't think it was up for debate so never worried about it.
Should I just let this go to avoid looking grabby? It's currently in my mother's possession because grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital for safekeeping. She was not coherent at this time due to brain damage following a heart attack and stroke. She died soon after. I'm heartbroken about my grandmother, and I don't want to fight with anyone over a ring. As nice as it is, it's just a thing. Is this the right plan of action or should I be less diplomatic? I'm always Switzerland in family disputes, only this situation places me in a less neutral position.
Anyway... Back to the ring. There was no will, but it was understood by all that she was going to give it to me before the wedding whether she was present for it or not. I am still dealing with the realization of the fact that she has died very suddenly and so close to my wedding, and it's a very sad time for me and the rest of the family. She did not like morbid displays and would not want us to be unhappy, and would hate it if I did some kind of "in memory of" thing on the day of the wedding. She'd probably say I was turning my wedding into a wake... typical Barbara.
Of course my younger female cousins want it. I don't blame them. It's a very extravagant piece. However, if it does not go to the oldest daughter, it makes sense for it to go to the oldest granddaughter (who is also getting married soon? None of the other girls even have boyfriends). If it did not, it would be just to spite me because my second to oldest cousin is grandpa's favorite. There is so much other jewelry they could inherit. This is an engagement ring. I really want to wear it for the wedding because I feel it would connect me to their luck and successful marriage through some kind of superstitious juju something or other. Stupid, I know... I'm a real pushover, so if it does go to someone else, I don't know how I would respond and would likely just be like "oh... okay" and move on. Grandpa might even do something weird and hock it and donate the proceeds to charity or something terrible. It bothers me that what she wanted was never written down. I never thought this would be a problem. All year she has been talking about how I will have the ring and everyone has heard her say it. I didn't think it was up for debate so never worried about it.
Should I just let this go to avoid looking grabby? It's currently in my mother's possession because grandma gave it to her while she was in the hospital for safekeeping. She was not coherent at this time due to brain damage following a heart attack and stroke. She died soon after. I'm heartbroken about my grandmother, and I don't want to fight with anyone over a ring. As nice as it is, it's just a thing. Is this the right plan of action or should I be less diplomatic? I'm always Switzerland in family disputes, only this situation places me in a less neutral position.
My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".
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Re: ring inheritance squabble
What about asking whoever DOES get the ring if you can wear it for your wedding, so your grandmother is with you on that day? I know you want to keep it, but even if you can't keep it, maybe you can wear it that day.
FWIW, I am getting married on my grandparents anniversary. They were married for 54 years when my grandpa passed and six months later my grandma joined him. We looked at dates of my FH's grandparents, however the anniversary of his paternal grandparents fell on the Friday before opening day of deer season and is the date his maternal grandma passed.
My maternal grandmother was a much kinder person, so I have positive associations with her and feel those associations would be passed through to any inherited item. I would feel indignant if I did not get that specific ring since she was very explicit that I should have it. However, I am not the kind of person to fight over objects. I do not place such high value on posessions -- only the sentimental value of things. I might not be able to look my cousin in the eye if I see her wearing it, though. I worry if this is because maybe I'm more materialistic than I think I am...or maybe it's just because she knows the ring was for me and it's a breech of trust. We have always been close. She is also a bridesmaid. If she gets it, I hope she has the good taste not to wear it to my wedding.
Since 1) it sounds like a LOT of important family members are entirely aware that you are supposed to inherit the ring, and 2) your own mother is in possession of the ring, I would honestly talk to your mom about it. There's no reason it has to go back to your grandfather's possession.
Personally I woudln't say anything as long as your mom has the ring and your grandfather isn't pressuring to get it back. Maybe your grandma gave it to your mom as a secret, to avoid your grandfather knowing and to ensure you get it. Honeslty, I agree that if he pushes the issue I would remain firm on the feelings you have attached to the ring but keep favoritism ou of it.
Good luck!
When my grandmother passed, my aunts divvied up the jewelry, when grandpa passed, all hell broke loose in the family. It turned really ugly.
Have you talked to your mom about the ring yet? Since your grandma gave the ring to your mom (to pass to you) it might be her descision if and when it gets passed on.
Edit: there is other, very valuable, very beautiful jewelry that is aplenty in my grandma's trunk. There is enough for all the adult women to have at least one, maybe two pieces. I think the sheer amount of all the rest of the jewelry should be enough to placate everyone and leave me be. So goes mom's theory, anyway. We'll see how it goes in practice.
Second, we had a very similar situation when my grandmother passed away when I was 8. She didn't have a written will or a living will so no one knew who was getting what. To this day, 17 years later, there are still fights about her wedding set. My oldest female cousin was given possession of it and my oldest male cousin and his mother, my aunt, felt it belonged to them. My mother currently has possession of the set as my cousin's ex-husband turned out to be a thief and she wanted it to be in safe hands. My mother has firmly stated to me that she will not return the set to my cousin if and when she asks for it back.
This whole fight was ridiculous back then and still is now. I've never seen grown adults throw such a fit about something.
This is a very difficult and delicate situation. I'm sure you and your cousins all want to hold on to a piece of your Grandma. My personal opinion is that since she specifically told you she wanted you to have it and you're also the oldest one getting married.....you should have it and your cousins should respect that. My cousins and I went through some of my Grandmother's jewlery and I have a few pieces to remember her by. But nothing will replace the incredible memories or pictures I can look back at. Although I'm hoping we can find her actual wedding band somewhere because I would love to wear it.
Maybe discuss with your family how much it would mean for you to have the ring and honor her memory. Unfortunately since its not in the will, it legally does not belong to you and it is not your decision so you're a little limited.
This might be completely unorthodox but......my engagement ring is an heirloom of FI's Grandmother. After she passed away it was in the hands of his Aunt. Many years ago (before I came into the picture) my FI's parents offered to have it appraised and they actually purchased it from her. Not suggesting you do this but that is how my FI's parents got the ring.
I really wish you good luck.
In the purse was a small diamond ring with part of a certificate that it was purchased in 1920 for $75.
At that time, the three daughters did not have daughters. Only brother did not want it, so dad gave it to me.
My mom didn't want me to wear it (I was 14 at the time) and said she would put it up. She also suggested that I take the diamond out and have it redone. Dad said no, it was up to me.
I still have the ring to this day. Since I will not have any children, I will probably give it to my niece should something happen to me.
I really miss her. This is just so terrible. I don't know what to do because normally I'd ask her. She was always very practical and full of advice. Though it was sometimes unorthodox. She really wanted to make it to the wedding and had purchased a beautiful hat for the occasion. She told me she wanted a "big ass corsage".
We just went to the funeral yesterday, and I did not approach the casket because I was afraid. I've never been to an open-casket funeral before and I wanted to remember how she was at my shower: Talking really loudly about how I need to get my braces off before the wedding. I promised her they would be off on the 24th, but she still kept asking.
She sounds like a lovely woman. And i think it would be lovely to find some way to give her her "big ass corsage"
My grandfather passed away years ago, and I still remember the viewing. My younger cousin didnt even go in the room. She sat outside for 2 days. All because she wanted to preserve the memory she had of him. All this to say my condolences. I'm sure your grandmother is watching over you.
As for male heirs, it's irrelevant, since he's not giving it away. He's saying that he wants to be buried with it all like a viking.
The ring is not from her original wedding set. It was purchased at an antique store around their 25th anniversary. It's still very meaningful to me, though. He has the original set also, and I understand him wanting to hold onto it.